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Original poster

AIBU to struggle with my husband’s girlfriend?

85 replies

MoggTheCat · 28/09/2020 18:44

Despite many years of relationship counselling, sex therapy and individual therapy, I have no sex drive and find it impossible to have a physical relationship with my husband. We are very affectionate with each other, good parents to our children and get on very well in all other aspects. A while ago we made the difficult decision that my husband should see other women for sex, as he wants us to stay together but can’t cope with not having a sex life. I wasn’t happy about it but I know I am acting unreasonably by not being able to do physical intimacy and I thought it would be preferable to him leaving me. Now he has started seeing someone else on a regular basis and I am really struggling to cope with it. I wondered if anyone else has been in a similar situation and could give any advice? Thank you.

OP posts:
MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 28/09/2020 19:23

Oh dear. Not having sex is a big one. I'm afraid he may fall in love with her. And unfortunately that's not unfair of him. Can you split amicably at some point and keep a good co parent/friend relationship? It would be a shame to lose him from your life but a husband isnt a platonic live in flatmate unless he's completely ok with that.

It's an awful no win situation really.

WokesFromHome · 28/09/2020 19:24

What do you mean by girlfriend?

Does he get all smartened up and take her out on dates, then stay over. Or is she a regular shag with no strings as she has her own life and his situation suits her?

Tistheseason17 · 28/09/2020 19:27

There is neve an easy solution in these situations.
I doubt you can continue like this and neither can he.

GabsAlot · 28/09/2020 19:33

did you make it clear you meant just sex not a relationship-i think you need to talk if hes got the wrong end of the stick or if not you need to think about what you want

Diverseopinions · 28/09/2020 19:35

You don't know that the other lady would want a full live-in relationship with your husband. It could be that they are being very sensitive about the situation and she wants to be respectful of it. Perhaps he has explained ( if you had told him it was all right to do so) and she has sympathy and is intelligently providing something he needs and which she values, without feeling he is in the right place emotionally from where to initiate and develop a new partnership.

I guess, re your husband and yourself, that keeping things amicable and talking things through will be good. If your marriage were to break down in a friendly and considerate fashion, then you would probably mostly speak together, from then on, about the children you co-parent. I think you might do well to explore your own feeling around whether you would be able to move to a position of friendship with your partner - letting go of possessiveness, co-dependency and the image you have of yourselves as a pair. You clearly have been able to be great human beings and friends to one another , so why not focus on hanging on to that and try to prepare to relinquish romance, in case this cannot be sustained.

Livelovebehappy · 28/09/2020 19:38

Op, you had a sexual relationship with your dh previously, as you have DCs, so maybe you’ve lost that sexual attraction with him, but could have it with someone else? The current situation is definitely going to end in tears at some point. The sex only relationship he is having with someone else could eventually turn into something deeper - it’s a strong possibility. Neither of you are wrong, but maybe misguided into thinking you have a solution which works in your desperation to stay together. Time to talk about the future and make some very hard decisions.

HelloBolloxMyOldFriend · 28/09/2020 19:40

Your marriage needs to end. It's not fair for you and it's not fair for your husband. It's over.

This. You're entitled to be happy, as is your DH.

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 28/09/2020 19:41

Op you've left out the fact you've been living a lie for the entire length of your marriage and are in fact gay as mentioned in many, previous posts.

That's a massive backstory.........this isn't fair on your husband at all. It wasn't fair the day you walked down the aisle with him and it isn't fair now that's he's trying to find some balance of happiness and please everyone .

You need to end the marriage and make it clear you're happy for him to build a new life. It's the least you can do.

Havaiana · 28/09/2020 19:41

This is a hot mess OP. Put yourself out of misery.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 28/09/2020 19:47

What @WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo has just said has completely changed what I was going to say (after reading it I did do an advance search to confirm).

OP, you're gay. This isn't fair on him and it isn't fair on you. I understand why you're trying to hold on but it's not going to work.

LolaSmiles · 28/09/2020 19:49

Op you've left out the fact you've been living a lie for the entire length of your marriage and are in fact gay as mentioned in many, previous posts.
Talk about an OP withholding important information.

Her poor husband.

Onxob · 28/09/2020 19:51

Oh god, I'm trying to put myself in your shoes and I feel ill at the thought of my husband having a "girlfriend". That must be excruciating for you OP Sad when he comes home and you know he's been with her and you're supposed to be okay about it. Ugh no. Stop doing this to yourself, surely this will erode your self-worth to nothing?

Tell him he has to stop or the marriage has to end. Maybe try one more attempt at counseling/sex therapy if you feel it's something worth trying again? Just stop this madness one way or another Flowers

Onxob · 28/09/2020 19:53

Oh okay you're gay. Ah well that's COMPLETELY different then! Either start seeing women yourself or just split then?

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 28/09/2020 19:54

She's in love with her husband on another post.........the only person I have any sympathy for is her poor husband after years of being tricked.

I have some sympathy for the OP too. But that doesn't mean that what she did is ok

Theworldisfullofgs · 28/09/2020 19:54

What whatwouldyoudowhatwouldjesusdo said.

WokesFromHome · 28/09/2020 19:56

Same here, sorry OP.

There is a massive backstory which I've also looked at. You say you are gay and were in love with your female therapist. A weaker man would have walked by now TBH.

I think you need to look at couples counselling again TBH.

Russellbrandshair · 28/09/2020 19:56

@eeyore228

YANBU to feel upset but at the same time you can’t expect him to go the rest of life with no intimacy. It’s a hard one but I guess it comes down to whether he could live without it to stay with you.
I agree with this. I understand why you feel this way but I also think expecting him to never have sex again is unreasonable. The problem with never being able to express your sexuality to the person you love is that of course you will end up becoming attracted to someone else and having sexual urges. Sexuality isn’t purely emotional, it’s physical aswell which means it’s a biological drive and not easy to just switch off. Many people, including myself, find closeness and intimacy in sex, it’s a physical act but also a way of feeling loved and wanted and cherished by a partner. Therefore, sex has many facets and it’s not the same as just “oh just have a wank!” As some people with low sex drives imply.

I think you have both muddied the waters here by bringing someone else into the equation when maybe it would have been less distressing in the long run for you to just split up. Neither of you sound very happy. Maybe it would be kinder to all of you to make a clean break- both seem out partners with compatible views on sex and move on. It’s ok to admit that this isn’t working- you both tried and it’s not working. Although it would cause pain now, in the long run, splitting would probably be the healthiest thing for both of you, then you can both live the way you wish and can move on.

Havaiana · 28/09/2020 19:56

@WhenISnappedAndFarted

What *@WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo* has just said has completely changed what I was going to say (after reading it I did do an advance search to confirm).

OP, you're gay. This isn't fair on him and it isn't fair on you. I understand why you're trying to hold on but it's not going to work.

Arghhhhh what a waste of time
HelloBolloxMyOldFriend · 28/09/2020 19:57

@WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo

Op you've left out the fact you've been living a lie for the entire length of your marriage and are in fact gay as mentioned in many, previous posts.

That's a massive backstory.........this isn't fair on your husband at all. It wasn't fair the day you walked down the aisle with him and it isn't fair now that's he's trying to find some balance of happiness and please everyone .

You need to end the marriage and make it clear you're happy for him to build a new life. It's the least you can do.

Just saw the above revelation.

What are you getting out of this marriage? Why are you hanging onto this man and marriage?

Russellbrandshair · 28/09/2020 20:01

Oh ffs, bit of an important backstory to leave out for goodness sake.

If I was your husband I would leave. Sorry.

WhereamI88 · 28/09/2020 20:01

So you're actually gay? That's a massive thing to leave out...leave, for your sake and your DH's

Lilymossflower · 28/09/2020 20:05

My advice, just end the relationship and co parent, it will be so so much better imo

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/09/2020 20:10

So......

If you are straight and celibate I would say that YANBU because random hook ups to "scratch the itch" is totally different to what is clearly a developing a relationship with this new woman. I think he will end up leaving so a cards-on-the-table conversation is needed, which will probably end up with you going your seperate ways.

However....if you are gay and celibate then I think you need to be honest with him about that and allow him to make his choice in possession of all the facts, which is appears he isnt at the moment.

Sounds to me like you are scared of your gay feelings and want the security of a LTR so you dont have to face that reality, and want him to go along with it. But now it is looking increasingly like that isnt going to happen, this new woman may be the full package he was looking for with you and you couldnt give him. ARe you really going to stop him finding lifelong happiness because of your own issues? Are you really that selfish? If you love him, let him go. If you dont, you should have let him go a long time ago.

Poulter · 28/09/2020 20:11

Your poor husband. I feel for him. Let him go and have an honest relationship with someone you can really be in love with.

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/09/2020 20:13

Does your husband know that you are gay?

I cant help wondering if he doesnt because why go through all that therapy and counselling if you both knew? It would be like trying to teach a fish to walk down the street, and if he knew you were gay surely he would save himself (and you) the pain of trying when you knew it was doomed to failure.

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