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Original poster

AIBU to struggle with my husband’s girlfriend?

85 replies

MoggTheCat · 28/09/2020 18:44

Despite many years of relationship counselling, sex therapy and individual therapy, I have no sex drive and find it impossible to have a physical relationship with my husband. We are very affectionate with each other, good parents to our children and get on very well in all other aspects. A while ago we made the difficult decision that my husband should see other women for sex, as he wants us to stay together but can’t cope with not having a sex life. I wasn’t happy about it but I know I am acting unreasonably by not being able to do physical intimacy and I thought it would be preferable to him leaving me. Now he has started seeing someone else on a regular basis and I am really struggling to cope with it. I wondered if anyone else has been in a similar situation and could give any advice? Thank you.

OP posts:
ShopTattsyrup · 28/09/2020 20:16

I think this is both, YANBU to be unhappy with the reality of the situation.

For what it's worth, if your concern is that there is a regular woman as opposed to one-night stands or casual hook ups. I had a casual relationship with a man for the best part of 18 months. We got on well, and had great sex but romantically weren't interested in each other or right for each other. Both of us preferred having sex with someone we knew and who knew what we liked rather than starting from scratch regualrly with new flings so to speak. Both of us are now happily with other people. Regular sex does not necessarily equate to a romantic entanglement.

ShopTattsyrup · 28/09/2020 20:21

Oh well ... I just read the previous posters FFS.

You two need to split up so that you can both crack on with your lives and sleep with whoever you want and be happy and try and foster a new and supportive friendship with each other for the sake of your kids!

Steviethetv · 28/09/2020 20:22

Op you’ve been here a while, you do know what the AS feature is?

carly2803 · 28/09/2020 20:25

i think the difference here is a relationship and just sex. He is in a relationship, and while i can see he should not be made to go forever without sex (i could not either)!, he has crossed the line into a relationship.

You need to either, get your ducks in a row and talk to him, and be prepared this is a relationship and they might leave you.
or tell him to end it and lay some ground rules down.

Gazelda · 28/09/2020 20:29

Oh. Does your husband know you are gay?
It sounds as though it's time to call an end to your marriage so that you can both move forward comfortably.

Reddog1 · 28/09/2020 20:34

Let him go OP. Stop this fakery.

You can still co-parent and remain on friendly terms.

NoParticularPattern · 28/09/2020 20:36

You say you both agreed that he would have sex with other women but that’s not entirely true is it? You say you weren’t happy about it so you didn’t really agree did you? You just hoped you could put up with it so that you didn’t have to face the likelihood that if you won’t have sex with him for whatever your reasons, then perhaps he would likely no longer wish to be married. Or would just seek sex elsewhere anyway without your “blessing”. Your not being unreasonable to not want to have sex, he’s not being unreasonable to say he won’t live without it. If you’re desperate to stay married to him then I would suggest you bring it up with him and start some new ground rules if you didn’t have any in place initially. You need to make it clear to him that him having a relationship on the side of yours is not ok- and yes you run the risk of him leaving because he won’t give her up but I’m afraid it’s likely the risk you’ll have to take. Or what? Live the whole of the rest of your life miserable because your husband has a girlfriend and you don’t like it. It might work for a great many people OP but it isn’t working for you, and I think you need to tell him that and deal with whatever the consequences of him finding out that you are unhappy are.

NoParticularPattern · 28/09/2020 20:41

Oh wait you’re gay? Does your husband know? I would suggest that perhaps it might be wise to let him know if he doesn’t already. I also suspect that you’d both be far happier and perfectly able to be excellent parents together if you went your separate ways. Neither you nor him deserve to be miserable for the rest of your days just for the sake of coparenting.

Kittykat93 · 28/09/2020 20:48

Jesus op. May want to mention that huge backstory before people take time putting replies that actually are not relevant at all!!

Branleuse · 28/09/2020 20:51

its clearly not working. Hes guilted you into opening up the relationship. Im not surprised you dont want to shag him. I think you should consider leaving before you lose even more of your self esteem and self respect

hardyloveit · 28/09/2020 20:54

@branleuse rtft. Op has missed an important info part.
I wouldn't say he guilted her into it either.

formerbabe · 28/09/2020 20:54

Imagine how hurtful it must be that the person you're in a relationship with finds you sleeping with someone else preferable to sleeping with you. Poor sod

hammeringinmyhead · 28/09/2020 20:55

You can't expect him to stay married to you if you're gay. Why do you even want him to?

1Morewineplease · 28/09/2020 20:57

Let him go.

Inaseagull · 28/09/2020 20:58

Before you all jump on the OP, I think it would be helpful to read her previous post (well, her updates). www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3779825-AIBU-not-to-let-my-husband-have-a-girlfriend

Rigamorph · 28/09/2020 21:06

I recently read a thread on poly relationships that recommend the book 'the ethical slut'.
I read it, it has examples of all types of relationships - including one where a bisexual woman cohabits and co-parents happily with a gay man, because they were compatible living and parenting together. (I assumed in this instance that there was no sexual relationship between the two but they each had other partners).
There are no hard and fast rules, but the essential thing is that all parties learn to communicate well with each other.
There is also a chapter or two on dealing with jealousy.
I hope you find a solution that suits everyone involved.

ItsAlwaysSunnyOnMN · 28/09/2020 21:20

Just because the op feels she maybe gay doesn’t mean she doesn’t love her husband and love what they have together a family life, a friendship, love and a long history

It’s not all so black and white

I feel for you op love isn’t all about who are are sexually attracted to

Mlb123 · 28/09/2020 21:25

The problem here is that with it being a girlfriend and her being aware he has a wife and the situation then it's very likely she would expect in the future that it would become more and it's an undeniable fact that regular sex between two people often creates a close and intimate bond and your husband may well fall inove with her and if he does and she asks him to choose between you both and is firm then he may well leave you because then he would have the sex he craves combined with a relationship. If she does want that then she will no doubt end up saying to him that you don't love him of you cannot bring yourself to have sex with him. This is not necessarily true but men can have their head turned by such talk and especially if they are insecure about it. I think it will come down to a choice in the end and I hope it's a result that you are happy with. Good luck

LEELULUMPKIN · 28/09/2020 21:29

So basically your husband is your beard OP. I think you are very selfish tbh.

Gladysthesphinx · 28/09/2020 21:37

It strikes me this is potentially very cruel to the girlfriend and that you should not have agreed to it. Does she know she’s basically performing the role of a prostitute, without payment? If she is performing this role, what does that say about you and your husband? Are you not exploiting her? And if she’s not performing that role, but is genuinely a girlfriend, with emotional intimacy as well as sexual passion, what does this say about your relationship?

I honestly think that the body doesn’t lie. If you don’t want to have sex, you’re just friends. It’s nothing wrong with you - the relationship has just drawn to a close. Best to end it with dignity, kindness & integrity. Not to keep up a travesty of love & commitment when these have died. It’s cruel and unhealthy and undignified.

In case it helps, OP, I’ve been in a similar situation. This is experience talking. There’s life after divorce!

Gladysthesphinx · 28/09/2020 21:43

What, in fact you’re gay & in love with your therapist? For heavens sake, leave this poor man, establish your own life & relationship (not with your therapist!) and stop causing distress to others through indecision. You need to let go.

hammeringinmyhead · 28/09/2020 21:56

[quote Inaseagull]Before you all jump on the OP, I think it would be helpful to read her previous post (well, her updates). www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3779825-AIBU-not-to-let-my-husband-have-a-girlfriend[/quote]
Doesn't make me feel any less like this romantic relationship as husband and wife is dead in the water and they should split.

taraRoo · 28/09/2020 22:04

Let him go. This isn't working. You clearly love him but it's not fair to ask him to go without sex or force you to have it. I don't know your issues but it sounds like you gave it your best shot.

jrb123 · 28/09/2020 22:08

How many threads do you need to have going at any one time, OP?

AcrossthePond55 · 28/09/2020 22:13

You're gay. He knows you're gay. Neither of you (at this time) want a divorce, for whatever reason. You mutually agreed (even if you weren't happy about it) that he could seek sex elsewhere. Now he's doing exactly what you agreed on and you're complaining about it.

Either be honest and end the marriage or shut up. You have no cause for complaint or 'struggle'.

If I were you I'd end it now, when he may be likely to be cooperative. If you wait until he starts planning a future with this woman he may not be so eager to 'share and share alike' when it comes to divvy'ing up the assets or agreeing to child maintenance (if applicable).