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Relationships

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Original poster

AIBU to struggle with my husband’s girlfriend?

85 replies

MoggTheCat · 28/09/2020 18:44

Despite many years of relationship counselling, sex therapy and individual therapy, I have no sex drive and find it impossible to have a physical relationship with my husband. We are very affectionate with each other, good parents to our children and get on very well in all other aspects. A while ago we made the difficult decision that my husband should see other women for sex, as he wants us to stay together but can’t cope with not having a sex life. I wasn’t happy about it but I know I am acting unreasonably by not being able to do physical intimacy and I thought it would be preferable to him leaving me. Now he has started seeing someone else on a regular basis and I am really struggling to cope with it. I wondered if anyone else has been in a similar situation and could give any advice? Thank you.

OP posts:

Newmumatlast · 28/09/2020 18:46

Yanbu. You are entitled to change your mind. Having sex with other women is different to a regular thing. That is like a relationship and not ok imo. I know you don't want to lose him but maybe you would be better off xx

eeyore228 · 28/09/2020 18:48

YANBU to feel upset but at the same time you can’t expect him to go the rest of life with no intimacy. It’s a hard one but I guess it comes down to whether he could live without it to stay with you.

Ohalrightthen · 28/09/2020 18:49

...what are you struggling with? You're jealous of the fact that he's having sex with someone else, when the only reason he's doing that is because you won't have sex with him? She's doing something you don't want to do, why are you jealous?

As someone who spent years in a polyamorous relationship, i can tell you that your mistake was to agree to this if you weren't happy with it. You should have told your husband you didn't want him having sex with other women, and let him decide if that meant he had to leave. Telling him he could and then getting arsey about it is really unfair imo.

Codexdivinchi · 28/09/2020 18:50

Oh wow. You need to financially protect yourself in case he leaves you for her. I’m sure this other woman doesn’t believe it’s just sex - they are in a relationship.

I’d imagine very few couples can do this and stay together. But for me there are too many what ifs..

This wouldn’t be for me. No man is worth this.

LolaSmiles · 28/09/2020 18:53

It's hard to say. I don't think either of you are being unreasonable.

You don't want to have sexual intimacy. He still wants to have a sex life. Neither of you are right or wrong, but it sounds like you're not compatible and potentially delaying the inevitable split.

It sounds like you're pulling off a plaster slowly and feeling each hair pull out when it might be better to pull the plaster straight off. It will hurt for a moment but moving forward you'll both be free to have romantic relationships that meet your needs.

WellThisWentWell · 28/09/2020 18:54

Yanbu at all.

Op, i’m really sorry for what you are going through.
That really coudn’t be an easy decision.

Did you two talk about first if he was going to have more of one night stands kind of things, or seeing one and same woman?
Him having a regular really can’t be easy to except.

TheFuckingDogs · 28/09/2020 18:56

I think you should ask this to be moved to relationships for more practical advice from others who have maybe been in similar situations.
You’re going to get a million responses on AIBU from people who just don’t “get” your situation and will either be mean to you or tell you to LTB - hope you’re ok and get some practical and useful advice in the relationship thread 😊

S111n20 · 28/09/2020 18:56

100% agree with the above message.

JulesCobb · 28/09/2020 18:57

Tbh i think it is only a matter of time before he leaves. If he has a regular girlfriend, thats not just sex. Thats a relationship.

Scbchl · 28/09/2020 18:58

If I had been in your position then a condition would of been for him not to get in to a regular thing as then it crosses the line of just sex.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/09/2020 18:58

It sounds you like you agreed to extra martial sex and he went and got a relationship. If that isn't what you agreed to, and even if it was, if you're not longer happy, you need to tell him.

You don't have to accept him having sex with other people and he doesn't have to stay in a marriage without sex. But you should both be honest

Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2020 18:59

Your marriage needs to end. It's not fair for you and it's not fair for your husband. It's over.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 28/09/2020 19:02

You cant help your feelings but what was agreed at the beginning? What rules were agreed to? Eg how many times is he allowed to see one other person before it's too much? Is he allowed to socialise with them or just sex? What was he supposed to do if he developed feelings which is often a natural consequence of sex, or if you were struggling? What was he supposed to tell the other women? What was supposed to happen if they got feelings for him? I think you need to talk to him, get advice from other people people who are in this situation and sit down and go through all the possible scenarios and agree what you'll do about them

Figgygal · 28/09/2020 19:03

It seems pretty inevitable this would have happened op. I think if you are to continue together in a sexless marriage he needs to agree not to stray into a “relationship” with any of these women

Brieminewine · 28/09/2020 19:05

A ‘girlfriend’ is a lot different to him just seeing someone for sex. So which is it? If it is a girlfriend type of relationship I would prepare yourself for the end of your marriage, he’s found a woman who can give him everything he wants.

Rewis · 28/09/2020 19:06

When you agreed to this arrangement, did you set some ground rules? This arrangement does not work for you with the current set up. You need to communicate and find a solution that you both can live with. It might be splitting up but remaining good co-parents or it can be an open relationship with solid rules.

formerbabe · 28/09/2020 19:12

Sounds like an absolutely excruciating situation for everyone. I think it's inevitable that they will end up in a relationship if it isn't the case already. I think it's very sad for everyone and neither of you is to blame. I think you need to officially split.

FlitterMouse · 28/09/2020 19:13

Forget his needs for a moment What do you want out of this marriage. He has developed a relationship with someone else, what will he do if she goes off sex or meets a single man and settles down. This doesnt sound fair on anyone. Would you be happier on your own

BessieSurtees · 28/09/2020 19:14

Does the girlfriend know the situation, how much time does he spend with her? I wonder was it working before she came along, and as pp said did you discuss ground rules.

I think it’s difficult and you were uncomfortable to begin with, but if things have changed you need to talk. If you are each other’s priority he should understand and you can change your mind.

Lantern156 · 28/09/2020 19:15

YANBU. You don’t have to be ok with this OP. You can change your mind. These things only work if all parties involved are completely happy with it, and you clearly aren’t.

If your husband isn’t willing to stay in a relationship with no sex (which is understandable) and you don’t want him having sex with someone else (also understandable) then the thing that might actually bring you all peace and happiness is to split up. It might seem like a scary change, but actually be really positive for you.

ItsAlwaysSunnyOnMN · 28/09/2020 19:15

What a difficult and sad situation to be in when you both love each other so much. You can’t help how you feel and neither can he.

I think seeing the same women regularly for sex isn’t going to end well but some people do carry on this way but I think there are broken hearts along the way. Even knowing he is looking forward to seeing her (because they are having sex) must really hurt.

I don’t know what the answer is and I totally understand why so many look the other way and decide that it’s better not knowing

Palavah · 28/09/2020 19:18

@TheFuckingDogs

I think you should ask this to be moved to relationships for more practical advice from others who have maybe been in similar situations. You’re going to get a million responses on AIBU from people who just don’t “get” your situation and will either be mean to you or tell you to LTB - hope you’re ok and get some practical and useful advice in the relationship thread 😊

Thia

SunbathingDragon · 28/09/2020 19:20

Yanbu but possibly he isn’t either. What did you agree? If it was for him to have meaningless sex with a multitude of women and now he has entered a relationship with someone else, then I think you should be looking at it in the same way as you would any extramarital affair. I assume that when you call her his girlfriend, they are also affectionate and enjoy spending time with each other; it’s not just about sex for them which it sounds like is what you agreed.

What do you want long term? What does she want?

year5teacher · 28/09/2020 19:20

This sounds like a situation where the relationship would be better off ending due to irreconcilable differences.
If you are not able for whatever reason to be intimate with him, and this is a dealbreaker for him, then it may be better to walk away. I’m not poly but have many friends who are and have seen the fallout from people in monogamous relationships agreeing to this without being happy with it. You haven’t fixed a problem you’ve just created another one. The solutions seem to be either he lives with no sex, you split, or he has sex with someone else. You have to decide which is best for you.

FTMF30 · 28/09/2020 19:22

I can understand your concern as there's likely to be some growing emotion involved if he is seeing one person regularly.

I'm not sure what to suggest as I fo think it's unfair to him - not being intimate but then setting stipulations for your DH after agreeing he can get it elsewhere. Maybe he wants meaningful sex.

Are you not physically attracted to him anymore or is it much deeper than that? I personally think you're better off going your separate ways as you can't be forced into having sex but your DH can't go on living like this as your bound to put more rules in place as you discover other things you don't like about the set up.

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