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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

how bad is my marriage

100 replies

Teapot89 · 28/09/2020 14:02

I'd really appreciate some impartial advice please, I've no one to talk to about what is going on because I wouldn't know where to begin. I've loving family and friends but at this point it would take a lot for me to confide in anyone (Mad I know)
I'm 31 and we've been married almost 2 years and we have had fierce arguments as long as I can remember. It's always over nothing and just blows up straight away, I end up in tears most of the time. I cried myself to sleep again last night, this is a typical example, so it all started around housework, he's a bit OCD with things. I'm very clean and our house is well kept, but we both work full time (thankfully) so I don't have the time to clean everyday while WFH, I also do 90% of the cooking in the evenings.
Yesterday he passive aggressively just went around the house and pointed out what's not been done, he'll talk out loud to himself so I'll hear something like "oh a mug next to the sink, lovely" or "the bathroom sink needs a clean". There's 2 of us living here so why it's up to me to sort everything I don't know, which is basically what I said. He gets quite mean in arguments and yells at me to shut up sometimes, when I start crying he says I'm trying to make him out to be the bad guy, but I really can't help but burst into tears. I then go quiet because there's nothing I say, and he get's more frustrated that I'm giving him the silent treatment, again not my intent, I just lose the strength to argue. We had a huge fight in January when I said I'm done I just couldn't cope with the constant criticism and he apologised and said he knows he gets worked up.
But sometimes theres just no talking to him (like last night) and I'm left crying in the dark feeling so alone, and I just want to pack my bags and run home. Like I'm a 31 woman and I just wanted my mum. Even now when he's at work I'm already on edge about this evening when he's home and what mood he'll be in, and thinking i should clean the house this afternoon to avoid tension tonight. I know this isn't normal, but I suppose my hope would be someone has been in a similar situation and can offer advice, can it get better??

OP posts:

Hyperfish101 · 28/09/2020 14:05

He’s abusive love. Leave him. Seriously that is controlling behaviour

FlorenceNightshade · 28/09/2020 14:10

It can get better but you need to take action now. You need to prioritise yourself and your mental health because he is not.

You say you want to leave so my advice would be to leave. Pack some stuff and go and stay with someone you trust or even have a few nights in a hotel. You need to let your DH know you are serious about not putting up with this anymore. Get away, get some perspective and take it from there.

Lolapusht · 28/09/2020 14:12

Do you have children? If not, please don’t. You’ll have to do all of the childcare, may not have access to money because you’re “not doing anything”, you’ll still have to deal with all of the comments and he won’t look after his children to give you a break because it’s your job/other people manage/he works all week etc, etc, etc.

You’re still plenty young to have children and I apologise if my comments are insensitive, but thus is no way to be treated. Your OH should make you feel loved and respected. He shouldn’t make you cry and feel like crap. You are worth more than this and does not deserve to be with you.

woofwoof1880 · 28/09/2020 14:14

I think your posting here because you know how bad this situation is. You already know what you want to do and you should follow your instincts. Things are not going to get better if you continue as you are.

pippistrelle · 28/09/2020 14:15

You're not making him out to be the bad guy. In this instance, he is the bad guy. Yelling at you is not on. And walking on egg shells about what sort of mood he might be in? That's no way to live.

That doesn't mean that, ultimately, it can't be resolved. But he needs the ability to have a reasonable conversation and understand that all cleaning does not fall to you,

VickySunshine · 28/09/2020 14:16

Bottom line : do some serious duck sorting.

cakeandchampagne · 28/09/2020 14:17

It’s abusive. It won’t “get better”.

Watch Sleeping With the Enemy- it might help you see your situation more clearly.

PersonaNonGarter · 28/09/2020 14:18

Er, OP. Just no way to this.

You are not his cleaner. Why did you think you were?

Plussizejumpsuit · 28/09/2020 14:18

What do you mean when yiu say he's ocd. Do you mean he has an actual mental health issue or he's just a clean and tidy person they are very different things. His behaviour sounds unpleasant. But knowing more about him would explain more and give more insight. For example I have on and off issues with anxiety. When I feel awful I'm definitely more bothered about mess. That doesn't make his picking at you ok by any means. But it might help to understand this to give you better advice.

Mumofboys85 · 28/09/2020 14:18

What's his reaction when you tell him to clean it himself if he's going to go round moaning about it?
No one (especially a spouse or partner) should make you feel on edge just from the thought of them coming home. Having arguments that blow up straight away on his part doesnt sound right. Hyperfish101 is right, it sounds like controlling behaviour.

Going around the house moodily commenting on the state of things like you are the house servant who hasn't done their job properly isn't right.

He needs to see a cbt therapist if its effecting both his and your life in such a detrimental way.

category12 · 28/09/2020 14:20

Fgs don't have children with him.

Louise000000 · 28/09/2020 14:20

I ended a marriage with a man who would make me cry in arguments and I'm now adamant ill never be with a man who reduces me to tears in a disagreement. Life's too short. Sounds like you are walking on eggshells too, 2 years in should still be a new and lovely marriage, what's it going to be like 15 years down the line?

SecondStageIgnition · 28/09/2020 14:26

Oh love, I wish I could say it will get better but it won't.

This is not a good way to live. You need to get out now if you can. Can you?

Pebblexox · 28/09/2020 14:27

If this is your life two years into a marriage, imagine what it will be like 10 years in. It doesn't sound as if you have children? If you don't. Leave, and don't look back. If you do have children, still leave but there's a lot more to consider getting arranged.
He is abusive, and you shouldn't be living your life like this.

Mix56 · 28/09/2020 14:32

You are correct, its not your responsibility to clean for your Master.
He is not the boss of you? if a mug on the side upsets him, let him wash it up, or put it in the dishwasher.
Same for the bathroom, it's probably half his grot in the sink, why should you clean up his shit?
Yelling at you over his perceived Holier than thou position of Master is not OK. You are not his Mother, you are not his servant nor cleaner.
I have been heard before, to say to all in earshot, if you don't like it it do it yourself, along with, this is not a restaurant, The door is open, & also occasionally "oooo look at you Precious",
In your position I would leave. The eggshells scenario is usually enough to know you are miserable.

Mindcounsellingedinburgh · 28/09/2020 14:34

Thank you for sharing, at least you got out of your chest.
I wonder why don't you have anyone to talk to? Are you isolate from family friends? When are you out with other people, does he control you, even in silence? If the questions above is yes, he is using of coercive abuse,, under UK law is illegal as emotional and physical domestic abuse.
You need to have a voice, not shouting, and gain back compassion to yourself and self-esteem. You are a precious human being.

Atalune · 28/09/2020 14:35

Follow behind him and say

“Well observed, a sink where things are washed”

Anordinarymum · 28/09/2020 14:38

@Hyperfish101

He’s abusive love. Leave him. Seriously that is controlling behaviour

He apologised and says he gets worked up. If it were not the cleaning I wonder what else it would be OP?

I don't think he will change unless he wants to but I also suspect he can't help being like it and you are witnessing what he is really like

I am guessing you have no children. Good job.

Suzi888 · 28/09/2020 14:38

How is the rest of the relationship?
Is it just his OCD? Why can’t he do any chores?

Livandme · 28/09/2020 14:40

This is not OK.
I'm furious on your behalf.

Please speak to soneone irl to help you plan to get away from him.

Graphista · 28/09/2020 14:41

I have diagnosed ocd there's no such thing as "a bit"

But even if he were diagnosed that doesn't excuse his behaviour.

He is equally responsible for any mess, eg even if the mug was "yours" I'm sure there have been plenty of times you've cleaned up "his" mess!

All that aside he is clearly controlling and abusive and if you're this miserable and tense 2 years in you're best off leaving!

Was he like this before marriage?

Original poster

Teapot89 · 28/09/2020 14:43

Thanks everyone, I'm in tears again now.

No we don't have children, and I did think yesterday when this was going on, if we had a baby I would have taken them and left. He told our dog to "piss off" when he was giving out to me (in arguments our dog tried to crawl up me, I think even he senses it!)

Sorry, when I said he had OCD, he doesn't actually have OCD, I just meant as in being overly tidy. He does do lots of housework himself but it's like tit for tat almost. I have a "busier" job which I know doesnt sound great to say, but I do, I earn more too but yet his job and time is always the priority i.e when we both WFH if the doorbell rings, I answer. But all that is besides the point really. It's still his attitude and behaviour regardless of what spurs it on. Anything can start it off.

I did suggest counselling before and he was absolutely against it.

(I do argue back too by the way, please don't think I'm useless, I can certainly stand my ground, it's just exhausting having to do it all the time)

OP posts:

1forAll74 · 28/09/2020 14:43

You need to stand up to him if you can, he has issues,and is making you very unhappy everyday. Do you want to be crying and worried all the time, no you don't, he has to respect you, otherwise he isn't worth living with.

ColleagueFromMars · 28/09/2020 14:48

So he knows he has issues but somehow they're still all your problem not his?

Nope, he'd be out on his sorry ass. He could have gone to counselling, found an anger management program online, read a book, done anything at all to sort his issues out but he hasn't, has he.

SecondStageIgnition · 28/09/2020 14:49

@Teapot89

Thanks everyone, I'm in tears again now.

I did suggest counselling before and he was absolutely against it.

(I do argue back too by the way, please don't think I'm useless, I can certainly stand my ground, it's just exhausting having to do it all the time)

Dogs do absolutely know.

You do not have to put up with this. Normal people have conversations about things such as how tidy they like the house to be.

You don't need counselling. You need to get out of this relationship. Trust me, I've been there.

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