how bad is my marriage

[Teapot89]

I'd really appreciate some impartial advice please, I've no one to talk to about what is going on because I wouldn't know where to begin. I've loving family and friends but at this point it would take a lot for me to confide in anyone (Mad I know)
I'm 31 and we've been married almost 2 years and we have had fierce arguments as long as I can remember. It's always over nothing and just blows up straight away, I end up in tears most of the time. I cried myself to sleep again last night, this is a typical example, so it all started around housework, he's a bit OCD with things. I'm very clean and our house is well kept, but we both work full time (thankfully) so I don't have the time to clean everyday while WFH, I also do 90% of the cooking in the evenings.
Yesterday he passive aggressively just went around the house and pointed out what's not been done, he'll talk out loud to himself so I'll hear something like "oh a mug next to the sink, lovely" or "the bathroom sink needs a clean". There's 2 of us living here so why it's up to me to sort everything I don't know, which is basically what I said. He gets quite mean in arguments and yells at me to shut up sometimes, when I start crying he says I'm trying to make him out to be the bad guy, but I really can't help but burst into tears. I then go quiet because there's nothing I say, and he get's more frustrated that I'm giving him the silent treatment, again not my intent, I just lose the strength to argue. We had a huge fight in January when I said I'm done I just couldn't cope with the constant criticism and he apologised and said he knows he gets worked up.
But sometimes theres just no talking to him (like last night) and I'm left crying in the dark feeling so alone, and I just want to pack my bags and run home. Like I'm a 31 woman and I just wanted my mum. Even now when he's at work I'm already on edge about this evening when he's home and what mood he'll be in, and thinking i should clean the house this afternoon to avoid tension tonight. I know this isn't normal, but I suppose my hope would be someone has been in a similar situation and can offer advice, can it get better??

Leave him and get counselling to find out why you've taken this crap for so long. You say you've had fierce arguments as long as you remember. Yet you went on to marry this abusive man. Imagine getting to old age and finding he's still treating you like this, and any children you might have will be staying away because he's so horrible (they will be terribly damaged too). Imagine looking back on your life and wishing you had left? How awful that would be.

This man has no respect for you. His "love" is conditional on you being perfect. If you're not perfect, your "punishment" is far in excess of what is remotely acceptable. He sees you getting upset and has no empathy. He only apologises if he thinks he's losing you.

Hopefully you'll decide to leave him very soon. You will get great support and advice here. Be prepared, he will not be happy with you leaving and will try a number of ways to stop you, promises to change, being devastated, threatening suicide, then getting angry etc. But you will get through this.

Keep posting here and ask for advice, and above all remember he is responsible for his own behaviour, not you. If he was a kind loving husband you wouldn't be here looking for help.

This guy is mentally ill. I lived with someone like this many years ago and after 4 years I simply upped and left. Started off well but he turned into an ‘everything was about appearances’ mind of person. At one point he insisted on paper plates and cutlery because he didn’t like mess of pots and final straw was insisting Xmas was a ‘ready meal one’ in one of those trays because Xmas dinner makes ‘a lot of mess and stops the perfectly curated lounge looking ‘perfect’ . At that point I realised a nutter had reeked me in. OP, this is part of his personality— move on for your own mental health

No it’s awful and you need to leave then find out why you didn’t leave before. Not to be upset but to make sure you don’t repeat the error. You must not live like this - what a waste of wonderful you.

Dude. Where's the joy? A marriage and a partnership can be full of joy, a sense of team and shared goals.

I'm not getting any of that from your post! Get out while your young and your self esteem is in tact.

Thank you all so so much!! I suppose the most eye opening thing is 99% of you have said to leave, and that's from me giving a small snap shot of things. Wow. I really appreciate all your comments. I never thought I'd be in this situation.

Counselling is NOT advisable here as he's abusive, he'd just use whatever he learned about you in the sessions against you.

You shouldn't have to be worn down by having to continually stand up for yourself either - you're right it's exhausting!

Seriously just leave.

Haven’t RTFT but it’s not at all clear to me why you’re with him. You say you’ve always had fierce arguments and frankly he sounds quite nasty. 2 years into a marriage, you should still be thrilled with each other and your life together. This relationship sounds no good for you. Leave now and find someone else to have children with. This man would be a nightmare.

You can keep the house as perfect as you like, with someone like this there is ALWAYS something else they will find to carp about. It's never ending. It's just an excuse to take out his shit on you and bully you.

Quite frankly, if he told me the sink needed a clean I'd hand him a bottle cleaner and cloth and leave him to it. Permanently.

If this helps...I've been married 4 years, together 10. We probably have a proper argument every 6 months or so, where we might actually shout. Sometimes there is mild swearing, but we wouldn't call each other names or say anything cruel. It's usually about housework, him not pulling his weight etc. We are both normally tired and stressed already and we've been a bit passive aggressive in the build up . I usually end up in tears, he tends to storm off. We might ignore each other all evening. It'll feel shit and I'll end up replaying it in my head. I will probably feel like tiptoeing round him the next day and might go out of my way to do things/not do things (depending on whether I'm still upset or want to make up). He tends to do the same and might stay out of my way or be overly nice. Normally we make up the next day and over the next few days/weeks try harder to look after each other and normal life resumes. And then a few months later, something might build up again (often when something else stressful is happening). I think when you have arguments you both think you are in the right and also it can be hurtful and you still feel on edge a little while after. This is my experience, I can't tell you whether what is happening for you is okay or not.

*Bottle OF cleaner.

He's grinding you down.
Arguments are supposed to help resolve an issue, to come to a compromise that works for you both.
This man sees arguments as a war, with a clear winner and a loser.
You are losing and will eventually get to the point where you lose all confidence and will stop arguing back. Then you will be perfectly submissive and he will have complete control. Been there, worn the t shirt.
Do not let this happen to you, you will end up an exhausted shell of your former self.
Get out.

Teapot89 I don't think anybody does think they will end up in a sad situation if they find themselves in one. You say you have only given a small snap shot of things and yes I should imagine that there are many, many more indeed as somebody doesn't just behave like this in one aspect of their life it's normally across all aspects of their personality.
Take comfort in the fact that everybody is trying to help you see the situation for what it is and it is a BAD situation to be in. There are literally no pluses in this.

You are thirty one years old, your whole life is ahead of you. Please leave this man and start living and enjoying life again. Please don’t have children with him or think he will change. It takes strength to walk away, there is no doubt about it but find that strength and save the next forty years of misery which will almost certainly get worse with time.

I read your OP and I thought this is abusive behavior. He is already starting to ebb your confidence away and minimize your importance in the relationship.

You need to leave, this is not a marriage for you.
You are only 31 your whole life ahead of you and you deserve a whole lot more.

Go be independent and take the dog with you.

A relationship where you're on eggshells is not acceptable. It's no way to live.

You can't build a happy family life with this one. He's defective. Throw him back.

You POOR thing, this is awful and you're right in it. The realisation that you've got the challenge of getting out of the shit situation is really hard.

I was in this situation once, it doesn't get better, I had DC with a critical controlling man who had very high standards for me. He had low standards for himself though. He sucked the life out of me but that was grand, as long as the floors were clean and the fridge was full and the children never made a sound. I left before he tore a hole in their souls as well.

@Teapot89

Thank you all so so much!! I suppose the most eye opening thing is 99% of you have said to leave, and that's from me giving a small snap shot of things. Wow. I really appreciate all your comments. I never thought I'd be in this situation.

It's ok. It can hone your radar for the rest of your long life.

You're so young. Learning a lesson the hard way is not always a bad thing.

You know what you need to do. Starting again is only hard for a little while.

Dog lead in one hand, suitcase in the other, car keys in your teeth, home to mother. Solicitor asap. A better life awaits.

You need to leave. Thank god you don't have children. Choose freedom.

he apologised and said he knows he gets worked up

Yet he carries on doing it. Not that sorry, then.

Op, your post made me feel really sad for you. My DH and I are feeling the strain a bit ATM, and having arguments about cleaning and tidyness, due to him moving his office in to our downstairs mid-March, but even during the worst of times, I still feel a surge of happiness when I hear his key in the door. You should not be walking on eggshells. The fact that you feel on edge when he is due to come home is a massive red flag that something is wrong.

I am not one to say ltb immediately, but how is he otherwise? I would say that you need to be good friends and feel totally "safe" with someone for the relationship to last. As others have said, if you don't have DC already, think extremely carefully before bringing them in to this relationship as it stands currently.

OP, you are me 16 years ago - only difference being I had a baby on the way. As others have said, it will NOT get better. It actually gets much much worse. I found myself constantly cleaning and tidying to minimise the criticism and arguments, and that feeling of walking on eggshells is so awful. Having children makes it all the harder - nothing you do will EVER be good enough for him and you'll end up doing 99% of the childcare and housework. You may end up being financially controlled.

It took me 13 years to be able to get away from my narcissistic abuser. He continues to attempt to control me, but I don't let him. Life is peaceful now, and I'll never let anybody treat me like that ever again. I'd rather be alone.

Seriously, you need to get away. He thinks he's superior to you. I PROMISE you this will not get better.

Oh, and counselling won't help - if he's anything like my ex, he won't even consider it. Read up on narcissism and coercive control. I'm so sorry you're in this position but you can change this! I wish I had walked away after two years...

You are in a bad relationship. Imagine living on your own without anyone nagging at you all the time. Bliss.

Meant to ask op, do you know what is stopping you confiding in your family and friends? If you are close, they will want the best for you, and want to help. I know if my married sister called and needed help extracting from her marriage, I'd be there like a shot.