how bad is my marriage

[Teapot89]

I'd really appreciate some impartial advice please, I've no one to talk to about what is going on because I wouldn't know where to begin. I've loving family and friends but at this point it would take a lot for me to confide in anyone (Mad I know)
I'm 31 and we've been married almost 2 years and we have had fierce arguments as long as I can remember. It's always over nothing and just blows up straight away, I end up in tears most of the time. I cried myself to sleep again last night, this is a typical example, so it all started around housework, he's a bit OCD with things. I'm very clean and our house is well kept, but we both work full time (thankfully) so I don't have the time to clean everyday while WFH, I also do 90% of the cooking in the evenings.
Yesterday he passive aggressively just went around the house and pointed out what's not been done, he'll talk out loud to himself so I'll hear something like "oh a mug next to the sink, lovely" or "the bathroom sink needs a clean". There's 2 of us living here so why it's up to me to sort everything I don't know, which is basically what I said. He gets quite mean in arguments and yells at me to shut up sometimes, when I start crying he says I'm trying to make him out to be the bad guy, but I really can't help but burst into tears. I then go quiet because there's nothing I say, and he get's more frustrated that I'm giving him the silent treatment, again not my intent, I just lose the strength to argue. We had a huge fight in January when I said I'm done I just couldn't cope with the constant criticism and he apologised and said he knows he gets worked up.
But sometimes theres just no talking to him (like last night) and I'm left crying in the dark feeling so alone, and I just want to pack my bags and run home. Like I'm a 31 woman and I just wanted my mum. Even now when he's at work I'm already on edge about this evening when he's home and what mood he'll be in, and thinking i should clean the house this afternoon to avoid tension tonight. I know this isn't normal, but I suppose my hope would be someone has been in a similar situation and can offer advice, can it get better??

Life will only get better if you leave. It will never get better if you stay.

Don't bring a child into this abusive situation. That would be cruel.

If you would have packed up and left to protect a child then that is what you should be doing for yourself.

There is nothing you can do to change him. It is about holding power over you, so no matter what you do it will never be enough to pacify him.

Look up the Freedom Programme.

Don't throw your life away by staying.

Walk away.

Oooh I get the feeling he does not like being the major earner here and the pulling you on cleaning is his pathetic way of putting you down.

Do not allow your dog to be abused as well. I sincerely hope you take your pet with you on your way out.

You've only been married two years and he's already treating you like this? He's horrible, abusive and controlling.

Please don't have counselling with him - it's NOT advisd for abusive relationships. But you might want counselling for yourself.

I'd leave him. He ain't gonna get any better. Why would he? He has you where he wants you now. You've worried all day about the mood he'll be in when he comes home! Ths is meant to be your honeymoon period.

You could have 50 more years of this! It made me feel tense reading your post, so God knows what it's like for you, living like that.

Leave the bastard. You'll be much happier.

Of course he doesn't want to go to counselling. He has no defence.

That's why he tells you to shut up. He has no answer.

Pack your bags and go to your family or to a friend. This sort of marriage is far, far worse than being on your own. And men like this really, really don't change.

My DH is overly tidy like yours. Im a SAHM and he would never treat me like this. He makes a comment here and there when hes in a really bad mood, but usually he just cleans up the stuff that bothers him.
In your mug example i would just tell him to put it away if it bothers him and then he does without further comments. What your DH does is really terrible and i dont think i could put up with that.

Walk away. I was in an abusive (violent this time) relationship. The summer after I finally left I was in my little flat and, to this day (20 years later) I remember lying on the sofa watching a film one Sunday. Patio door was open, my cat was wandering in and out. I suddenly realised that I felt so peaceful, so content because I wasn't listening for his key in the lock. I didn't have to jump up and be 'busy' to save another argument. No walking on egg shells. That made me realise that I'd done the right thing (if there was any doubt at all).

Fast forward 20 years and my now DH, if he came home to find me lying on the sofa one afternoon, watching TV, is most likely to call out 'stay there, I'll make you a cuppa' - because that's what people do.

I just want to pack my bags and run home

Please do that and take the dog. Please don't leave the dog with him.

There's no shame at all in leaving an abuser. It takes strength and courage which you sound like you have, at the moment. Don't leave it too long because he will grind you down and it'll become harder every day.

Please reach out in RL for support, friends & family, Women's Aid will be a great help.

Do not go to joint counselling with him, keep that for yourself if you need it.

Hideous, my DP isn't perfect by any means but he would NEVER go round saying stuff need cleaning. I would literally laugh in his face if he tried that one on me. I must admit I do most of the cleaning but he will always make sure the house is tidy when I come home from work and he does a LOT with our Son, including most mealtimes and the whole bedtime routine and naps (he is still furloughed and I work FT shifts as a nurse). Dont consider kids with this man because you will be completely overwhelmed and unsupported by the sounds of it.

Even now when he's at work I'm already on edge about this evening when he's home and what mood he'll be in, and thinking i should clean the house this afternoon to avoid tension tonight

I'm very sorry , but this red flags for abuse all over it. Honestly, why does he think b it's all up to you.

It's a big fat no to counselling in bc abusive situations, which this is.

That is no way to live. Get rid.

@LondonJax

Walk away. I was in an abusive (violent this time) relationship. The summer after I finally left I was in my little flat and, to this day (20 years later) I remember lying on the sofa watching a film one Sunday. Patio door was open, my cat was wandering in and out. I suddenly realised that I felt so peaceful, so content because I wasn't listening for his key in the lock. I didn't have to jump up and be 'busy' to save another argument. No walking on egg shells. That made me realise that I'd done the right thing (if there was any doubt at all).

Fast forward 20 years and my now DH, if he came home to find me lying on the sofa one afternoon, watching TV, is most likely to call out 'stay there, I'll make you a cuppa' - because that's what people do.

That is such a lovely post @LondonJax. It serves as a valuable wake-up call/reminder for all those people for whom abusive relationships have become normalised.

Dogs can tell which person is the aggressor and which is being attacked. It's us humans that double-think stuff and make it more complicated. It doesn't have to be this complicated at all.

Get out now. Pack your bags. And make sure you leave him a sinkful of greasy dishes as a parting gift.

Don't waste your life on this man. You don't have to stay with him.
You deserve better than this.

If anyone deserved prawns sewn into the curtains, it's this guy.

It's not going to get better. If you stay, you're looking at spending the next few decades living like this and it getting worse. At 31 I'd just packed my bags and run away to my mum from a 2 year marriage that had been going down the pan from pretty much a few weeks after getting married. I spent a lot of the time frustrated and crying like you and leaving was the best decision I made. I only wish I'd left sooner. It wont achieve anything if you stay, he's not going to have a personality transplant. The upheaval can be very upsetting but if you leave, you can be well away from this thinking I never have to deal with it again and it's amazing when you realise you don't cry all the time normally, it was just the situation you were in that made you feel shit so much of the time.

He is mean to you. He is mean to your beautiful dog. He will be mean to his beautiful children. You have the power to put an end to all of it.
Don't put up with this crap OP.

My dad used to reduce my mum to tears all the time in arguments behaving like this. He was a f*ing shit head. I wish to God she'd had the strength to leave. It never gets any better. Eventually my mum stopped crying in arguments as I think she had just shut down. Please don't let that happen to you. We wouldn't put up with a friend or sibling who routinely made us cry. Why do we even doubt that it should never be this way in relationships?

p.s. the dog knows. They always do.

It's also worth remembering that for most people, the tensions really start when the first child comes along. People are tired, turn out to have unexpectedly different ideas about childraising, you see more of the inlaws, you see each other in a new light; no longer as the carefree, fit and sexy man/woman but as the knackered-looking mum or dad.
Can you imagine this guy being a lovely, kind dad? Would you be a SAHM? Would he be more respectful towards you then, or less?

Tbh he sounds a dick. But if it grates on you that it is always you that answers the door when anyone knocks and it warrants mentioning on a forum , your marriage has already been over for awhile.

What @ravenmum said.
100% agree with this. My exDH was always a bit of a knob, but even more so once we’d had DD, and I was on maternity leave,
I remember he was getting ready for work one morning, and I was next to the clothes drying rack where some of his shirts were.
He shouted down to me ‘I’ll have that one (pointing for me to get it and give it to him), like I was some kind of skivvy.
I left him when our DD was a year old, and never regretted it.

Get out now, before children come along.

Oh love, what an awful situation. He seems to think you are his servant, doesn't he?

I agree with you that counselling would be a help, but go on your own and not together. Having individual sessions will help you to clear your mind of indecision and you will be able to focus on the real issues, and what you want to do about them. If I were you, I'd start making plans to leave. Whatever you do, don't tell him anything.

Lovely girl, you are only 31 and really, really should not be living this way in this relationship. This is no way to live and no marriage worth saving either. You say this has been going on for the 2 years of your marriage as well and you are already ground down by it all ... not a wonder as it's just not normal behaviour. It's controlling and abusive.
You've got your whole life ahead of you. Please don't waste any more of it being with somebody who treats you so badly. He's not going to miraculously change.

Take a long hard look at the answers you are being given here and start to plan a future for yourself that just doesn't involve this abusive marriage. You can either find a pathway to a future with happiness or be stuck in this awfulness that is only going to get worse and worse with time. You CAN do this as you are worth so much more.

Please don't have children with this man. I grew up with a Dad who sounds very similar to your DH. It took years of being married to a normal decent human being to stop feeling edgy when the front door went.