Girlfriend is pregnant but she doesn't know if I'm the father

[Scott33]

So, my girlfriend and I last slept together about 4 weeks ago. Shortly after we had an argument and broke up. She slept with someone else two weeks ago and now she's pregnant. She says this other guy pulled out but that he may have been a bit slow to pull out in time if you know what I mean.
We got one of those ClearBlue tests and it showed that she was two weeks pregnant.
Would it be fair to say that it's unlikely to be my baby? I realise these clear blue tests are not a cast iron gurantee.
Is there any way of getting a prenatal dna test?

Also, just to clarify, if it is mine I have told her that I will stand by her and take care of her and the baby, but there is no way I could bring up someone elses baby.

[BitGutted]

@Scott33

So you have a row and she promptly gets into bed with another bloke and has un-protected sex and you are thinking you want her to be the mother of your child??? Wtf

Apart from the STI risk how about bloody covid kissing and breathing on another person and vice versa???

She sounds disgusting

Considering the dates it's unlikely to be yours but sounds like you've had a lucky escape to be frank

[Givemeabreak88]

I’m surprised this woman is getting so much sympathy tbh, well actually I’m not, this is Mumsnet after all. Let’s see, she slept with 2 guys in 2 weeks without any protection and people feel sorry for her, why? Also it’s completely understandable that the op doesn’t want to be stuck raising someone else’s baby, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her, it’s perfectly understandable, there is no way I could be with someone who was having a baby with someone else, it’s funny if the op was a woman and her partner
Got someone pregnant whilst they were on a break no one would be suggesting she sticks by him or she doesn’t love him! Everyone would be telling her to run for the hills.

[rorosemary]

Why don't you move in together first, or maybe get married, before trying for a baby? A baby is the highest commitment you can make. You might want to commit to living together first.

[anorangeaday]

I don’t understand why you’ll leave her throughout the pregnancy but if she had a termination get back with her?. Surely the deed is done, you know she slept with someone else and are prepared to try for a baby if this one isn’t yours, but you aren’t prepared to stay with the woman you love if the baby isn’t yours.

[SandyY2K]

I don’t understand why you’ll leave her throughout the pregnancy but if she had a termination get back with her?

It's obvious. He doesn't want to raise another man's child.

I know someone who got pregnant and had split with her BF (not his baby) ...she wanted to get back with him, but knew if she had the baby it would never happen.

She asked him if she terminated the pregnancy, would he get back with her.

He told her he couldn't promise anything and she should make the decision about the baby without any thought of a reconciliation.

OP... it's a good move to step away from her while she's pregnant.

When I was younger before I had kids, I always said if I ever happened to get pregnant and didn't know who the father was, I would terminate. If no one else knows the paternity of my baby, I should know without any doubt..and wouldn't want it to be a case of either or.

If I was in her shoes and wanted to make a serious go of things, I'd terminate without hesitation. Tbh even if I wasn't hoping for a reconciliation, I'd still terminate, as I personally would not bring a new life into this world, with a man I'd known for a matter of minutes or hours.

[Tattiespuds]

There is a potentially important fact missing.
Ok so we know you had sex with during her period - which we can assume didn't result in this pregnancy.
Other guy then had sex with her 2 weeks later and she finds on Saturday gone she's pregnant.
Before the discover off pregnancy you get back together and full relations resume.

So the question is how long was there between other guy having sex with her and you having sex with her again?

Based on everything you've disclosed so far it's likely other guys, but if you say broke up Monday, she slept with other guy Wednesday, you made up and had sex Friday there is a huge increase in chance of being your child.

If you are strong and want a family together maybe don't do a DNA at all (assuming other guy is totally off the scene).

[user1481840227]

If you are strong and want a family together maybe don't do a DNA at all (assuming other guy is totally off the scene).

That is not fair on the child. They will have a right to know who their father is.

[QueenOfPain]

The OP’s ex is getting a lot of stick here, and some of these attitudes towards women having sex are absolutely horrendous. It’s misogynistic slut shaming.

Yes, she should have used protection, but that ship sailed two weeks ago now.

We’ve no idea why they split up, or what part the OP played in this.

[Sciencebabe]

Once you have a due date for baby, you can go on an online calculator and find out the conception date from that. However, great standing by her and baby if it is yours, but don't make a marriage/life out of the relationship if this specific woman is not the person you want to spend your life with. Separated parents can do a great job of raising children if they are amicable and caring enough.

[Monty27]

Op does the other potential father know of the pregnancy?
Anyway she sounds irresponsible.
Your call.
Will you ever trust her even if it's yours or in fact if she gets rid of it as you so crassly put it?
Neither of you sound like a good catch tbh

[nachthexe]

I used withdrawal with my boyfriend. When I got pregnant (because let’s face it, withdrawal is about as much use as crossing your fingers to prevent pregnancy) he asked me when I was getting rid of it. He followed up with ‘next time we will be married’.
I smiled thinly, got rid of it, and then got rid of him too.
And didn’t sleep with any loser who refused to wear a condom again.
A - it’s not yours.
B - your relationship sounds fucking horrific. How on earth did you get from trying for a baby to her fucking other people within a fortnight? Like, it was never going to work, was it? Relationships take actual work, not oops we had a row and I fell on another penis but now we are back together lalala.
C - Still not yours.

[wombat1a]

It's not yours, neither of you are committed to being in a relationship with each other that will nurture a child together for 18+ yrs. Think about the 18+ yrs not the Friday nights!

Walk away and grow up at the same time. Count this as a lucky escape, for her as well as you.

[PaterPower]

1. Get an STI test
   
2. Don’t be crazy enough to stay with your GF.
   
   If the reason you split up genuinely was “minor” then what the hell’s she doing sleeping with Mr A.N.Other so quickly? As PP have said, this relationship sounds like it’s missing decent foundations.

[tillytown]

monkeymonkey2010 you're gross

[eaglejulesk]

You wouldn't raise 'another mans baby' it's HER baby & you don't love her enough to stick by her through her pregnant & to bring up the baby she's carrying

Children are SO much more than DNA

This.

You claim to love her, yet you couldn't possibly bring up another man's child? That doesn't sound like love to me. She's made a silly mistake, but if she has any sense at all she will run for the hills now.

[MandalaYogaTapestry]

I conceived on the last day of my period. Was shocked to find out it happened but it did.

And since having the children DH and I have always been using the pull out method for years. No pregnancies.

[MandalaYogaTapestry]

As for the GF, come on, this is a forum mostly populated by women! We don't know why they broke up. It could have been the OP's decision for whatever reason. And the GF found herself going from being in a committed relationship and TTC to beingn single. I had some very painful break ups, the ones that rip your heart out. I can totally see myself going to another man for sex in the hope that it numbs the pain. Men do it all the time.

[FourPlasticRings]

@eaglejulesk

You wouldn't raise 'another mans baby' it's HER baby & you don't love her enough to stick by her through her pregnant & to bring up the baby she's carrying

Children are SO much more than DNA

This.

You claim to love her, yet you couldn't possibly bring up another man's child? That doesn't sound like love to me. She's made a silly mistake, but if she has any sense at all she will run for the hills now.

I totally see where he's coming from on not raising another man's kid. He wouldn't have parental responsibility for the child if it's not his and they're not married. In the, let's face it, fairly likely event that they split again, he'd have no right to see the kid he'd been raising as his own and would be dependent entirely on his ex's goodwill to do so. Think of the potential trauma to the child and to OP in this scenario, especially if she decides she'd rather play happy families with another man and not have her ex in the wings.

[MimosaFields]

It's very unlikely that the baby is yours. I think she should decide whether she wants to be a single mum. The likelihood of you staying together, whether you are the father or not, is quite slim.

After the baby is born, if you are the father, you can work at building a relationship with your child.

If you are not the father, you are not going to see her much anyway. She'll be busy looking after her baby.

If she decides to terminate the pregnancy, that's her choice. It's then irrelevant whose child it is.

Your relationship sounds fragile but not unusual. Lots of people go and sleep with someone else quite quickly after a split. The only stupid thing is that she used no protection

[Arrivederla]

[quote BewilderedDoughnut]@Scweltish actively trying for a baby in a relationship about as stable as a house of cards in a tornado. 30s or not, these people are naive![/quote]
Exactly this.

[Arrivederla]

@Scott33

For those that asked, I won't be staying with her during the preganancy. I think if I stayed with her and that found out it wasn't mine it would devastate me. At the moment she's saying she's probably not going to keep it anyway.
Yes I will go back to her if she gets rid of it, and in all likelyhood, we'll try again. We do have a strong relationship but people make mistakes.
Can't help it if I love the woman!

You are calling this a strong relationship?? I'm not trying to be unkind but it looks like a disaster to me, especially her behaviour. Does she really not know better at her age than to rely on the withdrawal method?

I would move on if I were you; don't hang around for more of the same.

[contrary13]

@Notcoolmum

I agree it doesn't sound like you love her. We don't know the circumstances of your break up or why she ended up in bed with another man. But you would
Leave her to face either a pregnancy or termination on her own. But would happily get her pregnant again once she has conveniently 'got rid' of a Foetus that may, or may not, be yours. Having a termination can be a very emotional experience for a woman. And you appear to expect her to be happy to crack on with trying to conceive straight away after terminating her current pregnancy.

Not to mention that she may never forgive him, because it comes across very much as though he is emotionally manipulating her into a situation that she may not want, for his own ends.

I, personally, thinks that the OP is coming across as quite controlling regarding a situation that ultimately, is nothing to do with him. Not only is the decision of whether to terminate or proceed with a pregnancy the woman's choice (her body, her right to decide what she does to/with it, after all), but also - the pregnancy is still in the very early stages. She may miscarry, which in itself, is traumatic. A termination may cause her chances of carrying a successful (ie, wanted by the OP because she's not had unprotected sex with someone else) pregnancy to term afterwards.

The more the OP post(ed)s, the more it comes across as all about him. I appreciate that he made a brave choice to post here, at all, given MN's reputation for blunt, "tell it how it is", responses - but his posts lack compassion for the girlfriend he supposedly loves enough to have taken back after she had a ONS... which she presumably told him about, as he knows about it! She must be in turmoil either way, as another poster said, given that she cannot yet know with any certainty if this relationship of theirs is feasibly going to last, because of the implanting, fertilised egg inside of her uturus. Such a tiny little thing, really, to be causing all of this emotional chaos.

OP, if you truly were trying for a baby (which, I didn't take away from your initial post) then why did you split up with her a month ago? I'm not going to villify her for the ONS, because - to quote the infamous 'Ross Gellar' - "[you] were on a break!". If she told you about it, then she was honest and upfront about what happened. For all we know, you may well have had sex with someone else during those two weeks, and are simply not mentioning it, to clarify the fact that you actually blame your girlfriend for your uncertainty, your refusal to raise a child that's not yours, your inability to understand that if you truly loved her? You wouldn't abandon her for 9 months until a baby is born, demand a DNA test, then, IF the child proves to be yours, expect to pick up where you left off.

You are aware that, if she has any sense, she'll kick you to the curb for treating her so shabbily, right? Regardless of whether a baby - which may, ultimately, not be born - is yours, biologically, or the other man's.

You don't love her. Be honest. Tell her the real reason as to why you're behaving so awfully to her (what sort of decent man would heap such emotional abuse upon a newly pregnant woman, as you admit to doing in your posts?!), and leave her alone to make a choice that is solely hers to make, regardless of whether the baby in her uturus is yours or not.

And I repeat: STI tests all round.

[Porcupineinwaiting]

@eaglejulesk very, very few people would be willing to spend 18+ years playing mum/dad to their partners fling baby. Dont try and paint that as some sort of lack on the OPs part.

[msflibble]

For those saying it can't be yours if you had sex on her period, this isn't actually true. If she happened to ovulate a week early for whatever reason (stress, diet, medication) sperm can survive for 6 days in a woman's uterus so there's every chance a woman can conceive at that point. I've experienced ovulation pains whilst literally on my period - an unusual and freaky occurrence, but it does happen!

[Scweltish]

@QueenOfPain

The OP’s ex is getting a lot of stick here, and some of these attitudes towards women having sex are absolutely horrendous. It’s misogynistic slut shaming.

Yes, she should have used protection, but that ship sailed two weeks ago now.

We’ve no idea why they split up, or what part the OP played in this.

I agree. I came across the ‘how to get over an affair partner’ thread yesterday. Hundreds and hundreds of posts from women whining and wailing about not being able to see the men they’re fucking behind their partners back during lockdown. Nothing but sympathy for them on that thread.
Here we have a lady who’s had sex with another man two weeks after a break up, but apparently that’s horrendous. Yes, she should have used a better method than withdrawal, a lot of us have been there though.