FWB vs "traditional" relationship

[Traveller2020]

My personal view is I don't want a relationship in the traditional sense. I'd much rather have a FWB.

I've had friends tell me I'll change my mind but I've felt like this for a very long time. I was married at a young age (18) and didn't really have time for me.
For me even the best relationship requires some compromise and I don't want to compromise anymore. I'm too set in my ways and couldn't live with someone whose opinions I'd have to consider (selfish I know but it's how I feel)

I'm in my mid 40s and don't see myself changing my mind. Are there any others who think like this or are the majority of people looking for a "traditional" relationship?

There are plenty of people who want both.

As long as you are honest about what you want so any potential partner knows, does it matter what other people want?

I find the issue is that often ppl have different opinions of what a fwb relationship is.

I mean to me (and I think most women), It means friendship with a bit off fun on the side. A respectful relationship, just not one that involves commitment or them living in your pocket 24/7. Sonething light. But still nice and still with genuine good feelings for one another.

But for men who look for these things it often just means they want to fuck you and have an excuse to completely disregard your feelings. They dont want to be your mate. And I don't mean they want just a 'fuck buddy' thing either. I mean they literally don't even have basic respect for you.

Probably because lots of narcissists tend to be very much attracted to these sort of relationships.

And narcissists cannot handle it when you do not fall for them. It hurts their egos. So they may play mind games. Like trying to get you to consider them as something more because they appear to be really into you. And the second you start to consider this - BAM! They u turn and make you out to be the one that got clingy.

I'm 32 and really cba with a partner. I'd happily just see a cutie 2 or 3 times per month if I thought I could find someone like that. But past experience has taught me that the sort of men who look for fwb relationships, unfortunately are usually just not the nicest of people. You cannot have equal give and take with them, because they tend to be takers through and through.

But I wouldn't discourage you from looking. Just have the same approach as you would have to a partner. In establishing whether or not they are decent human beings first. And if they respect your boundaries. Maybe you'll get lucky and find a decent one.

You know what you want, your friends arent you. Go for it.

This was my plan when i split from my husband 2 years ago.

I got married at 19 and we split when i was 37. Prior to him i was with my sons father for 4 years so had never had any time for me. My marriage was emotionally abusive and shit.

My plan was to stay single forever and have a FWB or 2.
It started well and within my first month of looking i found a great FWB who i saw twice a week for 14 months.
During this time i also had casual sex with others, some became FWB but eventually petered out.

Last year i joined FabSwingers as i wanted to go to clubs and stuff.
I met a guy who lives 10mins away and we started a FWB relationship and gradually it has become more.
We are in a proper relationship now, things changed about 4 months in but we didnt have the exclusive chat for a further 6 months.
We've just celebrated our 1 year.

I'm a commitment phobe and scared of getting hurt hence i didnt want a relationship.

I think I've got it pretty perfect, we have no plans to live together, merge finances or families.
My kids are adults and he has met them. His son is primary age and although I've met him a few times he doesnt know I'm his dad's girlfriend.

I love living on my own (with my adult kids), I've got a great life and my boyfriend compliments that.
We see each other about 3 times a week.

No one else who i met over the last 2 years suited me or were what i considered relationship material so maybe it was just a case of meeting the right person and then i changed my mind.

It doesnt matter what anyone else thinks or does, it is up to you what you want.

I read somewhere that there is a relationship type called Living Apart Together - this is basically what i have and it suits me.

I think fwb can mean different things to different people.
Some will be exclusive others not. For me
I have some very close female friends so I don't really need another female friend as such. So an fwb is a casual arrangement where we would see each other as and when and do some fun stuff. if we didn’t see each other for a month then so be it.
I would only expect to be a very superficial part of their lives and a night out with mates or female friends would take priority for example

No surprises then that fwb didnt really work for me as I was a bit to casual about it

But other people’s fwb might resemble a relationship without the label.

Have a read of Relationship Anarchy OP.

@Bunnymumy

I find the issue is that often ppl have different opinions of what a fwb relationship is.

I mean to me (and I think most women), It means friendship with a bit off fun on the side. A respectful relationship, just not one that involves commitment or them living in your pocket 24/7. Sonething light. But still nice and still with genuine good feelings for one another.

But for men who look for these things it often just means they want to fuck you and have an excuse to completely disregard your feelings. They dont want to be your mate. And I don't mean they want just a 'fuck buddy' thing either. I mean they literally don't even have basic respect for you.

Probably because lots of narcissists tend to be very much attracted to these sort of relationships.

And narcissists cannot handle it when you do not fall for them. It hurts their egos. So they may play mind games. Like trying to get you to consider them as something more because they appear to be really into you. And the second you start to consider this - BAM! They u turn and make you out to be the one that got clingy.

I'm 32 and really cba with a partner. I'd happily just see a cutie 2 or 3 times per month if I thought I could find someone like that. But past experience has taught me that the sort of men who look for fwb relationships, unfortunately are usually just not the nicest of people. You cannot have equal give and take with them, because they tend to be takers through and through.

But I wouldn't discourage you from looking. Just have the same approach as you would have to a partner. In establishing whether or not they are decent human beings first. And if they respect your boundaries. Maybe you'll get lucky and find a decent one.

You know what you want, your friends arent you. Go for it.

And narcissists cannot handle it when you do not fall for them. It hurts their egos. So they may play mind games. Like trying to get you to consider them as something more because they appear to be really into you. And the second you start to consider this - BAM! They u turn and make you out to be the one that got clingy

Exactly this !

Yup, its been my exp of fwb relationships anyway. Too many toxic sorts about that claim to want what you want but don't. One rule for you and something totally different for them.

I think I'd rather just have a one night stand and never see them again nowadays tbh (if I could be arsed haha). That or a proper relationship with the right person I suppose. Someone who gives me enough space lol.

"Have a read of Relationship Anarchy OP."

Thanks for the signpost @noego , it's what I was looking for

@Bunnymumy you are right. My first FWB was like that. One rule for him and another for him

@noego I've googled relationship anarchy, it's very interesting. From what I've read that is more what I'm looking for than a FWB. Thank you for that.

I had a FWB relationship that lasted six years. Neither of us wanted a "proper" relationship and we were (are) great friends who had sex. Suited me down to the ground. We acknowledged that one of us might meet someone and we'd be upfront if that happened. He did meet somebody and our sexual relationship stopped. I was utterly gutted if I'm honest but it was always the deal. I think I'd struggle to find that arrangement again unfortunately. I do think it can only work if you're both on the same page.

RA is a lot more common than people realise. Once you change the narrative from FWB to friends and lovers or lets grow old together under separate roofs, it makes more sense.
I knew a couple who had this arrangement for 30 years.

I've never had a fwb or fuck buddy type of relationship as my friend calls them. She said most men loved the fuck and go so she felt cheap. I asked why she did it....she missed sex and couldn't find a more traditional partner she fancied.
I don't think I could do it so haven't.
Other people can dissociate sex and feelings
We are all different

I personally don't understand FWB. Either you are in a committed relationship, or it's just casual sex with no rules, IMO.

And if I were to have casual sex, I would want new people and no keeping in touch and socializig and chats and paraphernalia. It would open up a lot more possibilities with guys who are good in bed, but not much use otherwise.

I'm not going to expose my body to potential pregnancy and disease for the sake of some random bloke. I'll take care of myself, thanks: I'm good when it's just me and my lotion. Most men are crap lovers anyway, especially the 'let's keep it casual' fuckboy types.

Rocaille, that's kind of missing the point of a fwb, it's not for the sake of "some random bloke", it's for your own sake because you want to. You only keep seeing them if the sex is good and they put the effort in.

I’ve always felt it was something invented by men for the benefit of men. It wasn’t for me.

I would be fine for a bit of “fun” on a Tuesday evening but weekend- no chance unless I got the obligatory text at midnight saying shall I come to yours (After 8 pints - erm No thanks)

I do not want a relationship. I like sex, but I don't want all the other stuff that goes with a relationship, so ONS are great. FWB works until they get clingy - I don't do texting or hand holding or cuddles on the sofa and the minute they think that is an option, I'm off. For me it's a combination of "refuse to compromise" and "needy makes me shudder".

I think if you don’t want a relationship but still want sex a friend with benefits can be a great thing. Find someone that you have a laugh with, be honest with and is great in bed but whose character means you wouldn’t want them as a bf. Narcissists are a pretty good bet for this actually!

I either want my the benefits of total freedom or the love and security of an actual relationship. Something which labels itself a FWB seems to offer neither. That's not to say I won't have sex with a friend, I just won't call it anything other than what it is. I don't want to live with anyone nor do I want to invest a lot of my free time and emotional energy (aka friendship) in someone who'll drop me like a stone if he falls in love with someone else.

High five for the relationship anarchy shoutout @noego. I’m framing my life more and more around this concept - nice to see it referenced here :-)

RA is becoming more popular nowadays IME especially for the older age group. After all it is 2020.
I have been a RA for 9 years and would never go back to the conventional ideology of a relationship.

indeed. i discovered it through a poly podcast I listen to, but it isn’t a concept that that could work in lots of different contexts. It gave me a framework for talking about how I’ve always seen (for example) my relationships with my friends.

I think once we stop trying to put labels on ‘what’ our relationships are with rigid expectations of that label, and start deciding what it is we want from them, we really free ourselves.

I decided a few years ago that I don't want a traditional relationship. I'm 40 now and may change my mind when I'm (a lot) older but for now I agree.
I started a FWB with someone I knew 2 years ago and over time it developed into a real relationship. However we are non monogamous and that works well for both of us.
Alternative relationships are just as valid, just as successful and fulfilling as traditional relationships.

@AnaViaSalamanca

I personally don't understand FWB. Either you are in a committed relationship, or it's just casual sex with no rules, IMO.

And if I were to have casual sex, I would want new people and no keeping in touch and socializig and chats and paraphernalia. It would open up a lot more possibilities with guys who are good in bed, but not much use otherwise.

There are alternatives to the first two scenarios you proposed.

I have been reading about RA and think that sums up perfectly what I want.

As @noego said it is friends and lovers. No one person will tick all the boxes in what I'm looking for and that's why it has been difficult to find someone who is looking for the same as me.