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Original poster

FWB vs "traditional" relationship

96 replies

Traveller2020 · 27/09/2020 15:46

My personal view is I don't want a relationship in the traditional sense. I'd much rather have a FWB.

I've had friends tell me I'll change my mind but I've felt like this for a very long time. I was married at a young age (18) and didn't really have time for me.
For me even the best relationship requires some compromise and I don't want to compromise anymore. I'm too set in my ways and couldn't live with someone whose opinions I'd have to consider (selfish I know but it's how I feel)

I'm in my mid 40s and don't see myself changing my mind. Are there any others who think like this or are the majority of people looking for a "traditional" relationship?

OP posts:
Rocaille · 29/09/2020 08:54

category12, OK not some random bloke, but one who has been very clear he will never love, care or commit. What an insult. And the audacity to think he should be allowed inside a woman he thinks so little of!

I'll not be used as a man's wank tissue.

JojoMcghee · 29/09/2020 09:01

@Rocaille

category12, OK not some random bloke, but one who has been very clear he will never love, care or commit. What an insult. And the audacity to think he should be allowed inside a woman he thinks so little of!

I'll not be used as a man's wank tissue.

No woman, in any circumstance, is ever a "man's wank tissue". And to me, indirectly calling another woman by that description is misogynistic.
MorrisZapp · 29/09/2020 09:01

There's a lot to be said for an enthusiastic ex two towns over. Someone you won't see or hear from on the day to day, but who you can have a lovely interlude with if the opportunity should arise.

If they live nearby or are part of your friendship group, surely it's impossible to keep things truly casual.

Rocaille · 29/09/2020 09:13

Of course not, Jojo, being allowed inside a woman is the greatest privilege a man will ever know. So why let these nasty little scrotes treat us as less than?

He stakes nothing, while she has to wound her body with contraceptives, risk disease, pregnancy, abortion... and for what? Usually a lacklustre dick and some below-par fucking.

I'm in favour of a FWB arrangement in which he eats me out for an hour and then fucks off home. That's all.

Otterhound · 29/09/2020 09:39

‘Being allowed inside a woman is the greatest privilege a man will ever know’

It really isn’t.

Sakurami · 29/09/2020 09:54

I tried it this year because I met someone and he was cute and I have never had just sex. It was fun but it got confusing during lockdown as we weren't seeing each other but communicating more and more like friends. Still, when we saw each other after lockdown it felt a bit weird and I no longer wanted just sex.

I'm now dating someone and though i will never live with him or not for many years, it feels amazing compared to just fwb. And sex with someone who is really into you is a lot more freeing . Glad I tried it though , he was a nice guy and it kept us both entertained during lockdown.

DillonPanthersTexas · 29/09/2020 10:04

I think fwb can mean different things to different people.

This is the key thing. You need to manage your expectations and make it very clear what you want from it. I was in a FWB for a few years after I came out of a pretty abusive relationship and was not read to commit to anything too serious. It was not just sex, we met about twice a month, for dinner or drinks, cinema or whatever and just hung out. We did not introduce each other to our respective social circles, it was very much our secret together but it worked. To be honest it was nice to be able to chat to someone utterly removed from your day to day life. We could vent about things we could not perhaps do with more established friends. We were respectful, understood what each other wanted and generally enjoyed a mutually beneficial relationship. She eventually ended things when she met another man she felt able to develop a serious relationship with. We both knew either one of us would eventually meet someone else at some point and I was genuinely happy that she had met someone special. So long as you are honest and upfront they can work.

CodenameVillanelle · 29/09/2020 10:07

@Rocaille

category12, OK not some random bloke, but one who has been very clear he will never love, care or commit. What an insult. And the audacity to think he should be allowed inside a woman he thinks so little of!

I'll not be used as a man's wank tissue.

Yeah I don't see sex as something men have to earn from me so this makes no sense to me Grin
DillonPanthersTexas · 29/09/2020 10:10

being allowed inside a woman is the greatest privilege a man will ever know.

Do you actually believe this Grin

Enchantmentz · 29/09/2020 10:25

Yanbu to feel the way you do, I had a fwb for around 2yrs on and off and off at a point when he was officially seeing someone.
In all honesty it is a minefield and you do need to keep a check on yourself emotionally. The 2yr fwb was great we wouldn't talk a lot in between meets but we would have 'dates' and would talk until the sun came up. I never slept over even if offered as that is where I drew the boundary. We weren't relationship compatible but were personality and sexually matched. I didn't feel devalued, unappreciated or used and we were always communicating if anything changed.

I am not yet 30 and already feel as you do in relation to not wanting to share my personal space and do the emotional labour of relationships. I am open to changing my mind but atm I am all about me and my life.

One thing I would say is if you do find a good fwb and not a fuck buddy don't go into it with your friends too much. They will inevitably talk as if there is something more which can then sway your feelings or mindset.

noego · 29/09/2020 10:32

I'll say it again the narrative needs to change, this is not about FB's or FWB's.
So for example. I'm single, solvent, own home, car, have hobbies, same sex friends, volunteer for charities, and family. Happy as a pig in shit. I do not want to get married, live with anyone or be shackled to them, I have so much going on in my life and require the freedom to do what I do.
However I do like the company and friendship of the opposite sex and so I have friends of the opposite sex that are exactly in the same situation as I am and have the same philosophy. We meet for dinner, lunch, coffees, cinema, we have weekends away. We have intimate times when it happens and we have times when intimacy doesn't happen. It is no big deal. We talk on the phone, share each others lives, support each other when necessary, just like any friend would.

Sometimes I cook dinner for them, sometimes they cook dinner for me, sometimes its a takeaway with a movie.
There is absolutely NO PRESSURE to do anything anyone is uncomfortable with.
It's very simple. Grow old together under separate roofs, live together apart. It's great. It's not all about sex.
I have a few friends and lovers. I'd recommend it to anyone.
And then the question that is always asked is....what happens if they meet someone and want a relationship with them?
The answer is quite simple. Great as a friend you'd want your friend to be happy and if that happens you let them go without animosity. because the greatest love is being able to love someone enough to let them be free to be who they want. It has happened in the past and we're still friends.
It really is no big deal. It's IMO the most mature and adult way to have a relationship.

Rocaille · 29/09/2020 10:39

Yeah I don't see sex as something men have to earn from me

Sex is definitely something a man should work hard to earn.

It's about a cost benefit analysis: I offer the principal share of the benefits and yet also bear most of the costs? No.

You won't be laughing when you're left alone to cope with an Hpv diagnosis, or worse.

Otterhound · 29/09/2020 10:41

Yeah, but its still a label or philosophy no ego.
I currently have a similar lifestyle but i dont call or label it anything, it is what it is.

I am not an anarchist, relationship or otherwise!

ClementineWoolysocks · 29/09/2020 11:23

@Rocaille

category12, OK not some random bloke, but one who has been very clear he will never love, care or commit. What an insult. And the audacity to think he should be allowed inside a woman he thinks so little of!

I'll not be used as a man's wank tissue.

FWB is a mutually agreed-upon arrangement, neither party wants love or commitment from the other. That's the whole point of it. It's not insulting, it's mutually beneficial but you do have to have clear boundaries and be very sure of what you want.
Peace43 · 29/09/2020 11:26

I am in a FWB type relationship. We don’t want to move in together. We are very much good friends. I can rely on him as I would a friend. We have great sex. We started out just sex but that was 18 months ago. Now there is lots of love but still no intention to have a serious blended family relationship. We want the care and fun together in the free time we have away from our respective families. We don’t sleep with other people.

These relationships are out there. However you need to find a guy who will treat you with respect (as you should do him!)

DillonPanthersTexas · 29/09/2020 11:38

noego

What you have described is essentially an emotionally invested relationship without the actual living together bit. Are you honestly saying that in your scenario if one party decided to call it quits and pursue a relationship with someone else you will not be upset?

CodenameVillanelle · 29/09/2020 12:46

@Rocaille

Yeah I don't see sex as something men have to earn from me

Sex is definitely something a man should work hard to earn.

It's about a cost benefit analysis: I offer the principal share of the benefits and yet also bear most of the costs? No.

You won't be laughing when you're left alone to cope with an Hpv diagnosis, or worse.

Grin You absolute muppet
noego · 29/09/2020 12:53

@otterhound
But you did label it you called it a lifestyle. We have to use words to communicate, these words point to something. If you want to use the word label that is your prerogative

@DillonPanthersTexas.

Yes. it is the understand between friend that if that situation arises it is adult and mature to discuss it. How many relationships do you see on here that break up? It is a fact of life no matter how you describbe a relationship.

Rocaille · 29/09/2020 12:55
Wink
JojoMcghee · 29/09/2020 13:01

@Rocaille

Yeah I don't see sex as something men have to earn from me

Sex is definitely something a man should work hard to earn.

It's about a cost benefit analysis: I offer the principal share of the benefits and yet also bear most of the costs? No.

You won't be laughing when you're left alone to cope with an Hpv diagnosis, or worse.

@Rocaille

Well, I agree with you insofar that I have only ever had sex with someone I love. It didn't always start with that intention but it worked out that way.

I also only ever have sex with men who have shown they aren't using me, and are willing to be reciprocal in nature with regards to the relationship. Again, it's naturally my way....

But I understand that other woman like to have no strings sex and that is their right to do that without having to explain themselves. That is their way, and isn't better or worse than any other.

The cost benefit analysis shouldn't be as much as a factor as it was before easily available contraception and condoms. It's about being responsible for your own physical, sexual and emotional health and making your own decisions.

Heffalooomia · 29/09/2020 13:09

@Rocaille

Yeah I don't see sex as something men have to earn from me

Sex is definitely something a man should work hard to earn.

It's about a cost benefit analysis: I offer the principal share of the benefits and yet also bear most of the costs? No.

You won't be laughing when you're left alone to cope with an Hpv diagnosis, or worse.

I agree!
category12 · 29/09/2020 13:39

@Rocaille

category12, OK not some random bloke, but one who has been very clear he will never love, care or commit. What an insult. And the audacity to think he should be allowed inside a woman he thinks so little of!

I'll not be used as a man's wank tissue.

I can only think you can't enjoy sex much?
Rocaille · 29/09/2020 13:55

Why would you assume that, category? That's a non sequitur, isn't it?

Otterhound · 29/09/2020 15:15

I used lifestyle its not even that. It is what is is

You actively label yourself as a relationship anarchist and in-fact this and sex are just about the only thing you ever post about so thats clearly how you define yourself

WellThisWentWell · 29/09/2020 16:23

I like this thread.

I’m the opposite of this.
I would like non traditional relationship too , but in a sense that i would like to live together, hold hand, share a life together and companionship, but i do not want to have sex.