DP's dad upsets me

[jsnsmsms]

I'm currently pregnant so maybe the hormones are making me over emotional but my DP's dad really upsets me. He says lots of things to DP behind my back such as 'all women are the same'. He also pulls his face everytime I'm with DP and he always wants to see DP alone without me there, DP says he doesn't 'talk the same around me'. I have sciatica at the moment and I'm in agony and DP's dad said that I should be helping DP clean up paint. I painted all yesterday even though I was in the worst pain because DP couldn't be arsed. He says that I should leave and go out whilst they're moving furniture in because I'll 'get in the way' (really he just doesn't want me around). DP never sticks up for me and lets him talk to me how he wants even though he said he would never let him disrespect me and that he's horrible to everyone. So just because he's horrible to everyone I'm supposed to put up with it? I don't want him around my baby due to how disrespectful he is to me and how negative he is in general. Everytime DP talks about doing something with his life, his dad says 'well why would you want to do that'. I hate him, he's a massive bully. How could I even begin to deal with this? He's his dad at the end of the day so I feel like I have to put up with it because we're having a baby but I'm honestly really fed up at this point. I've always been respectful towards his dad and really try to get him to like me.

Is your DPs Mum in the picture? I suspect that if you take a closer look at her you will see the disempowered shell of a woman that their misogynistic family dynamic creates.

When is your next maternity appointment?

@jsnsmsms - you have had great advice on here. @SunflowerYellow has summed it all up very well.

I just wanted to add: OP - you sound bloody awesome. You may not feel it right now but it takes a hell of a lot of strength to stand up for yourself the way you have with your partner, particularly when you have not been taught to value yourself the way your mother should have taught you to. You are very clear-sighted about what you want for yourself and your child and that's very impressive.

Some of the best mums I've known have been teenage mums - they've just got on with what needed to be done for their babies; they've got huge amounts of energy and their instincts are often extremely good because they've spent less time in a world which has encouraged them to ignore their instincts. You've demonstrated that your instincts are in great shape.

You are only 18 - you have so much time still ahead of you to learn and grow and you will be sharing this with your baby. You've already learnt what treatment you won't accept and you're already showing that you will make huge difficult changes to carve out the best life for you and your baby. And with the skills you will learn from parenting, any job (and I mean any job) is going to seem like a walk in the park! I can see you having your baby, getting yourself some more qualifications, doing really well and then heading out into the workplace as a young, kickass, hyper-organised and very mature young woman. You're going to totally ace this!!!

Great advice and great insights on this thread ✔️⚡

Are you ok and safe op?

Please tell all this to your midwife

That's a great idea. Talk to your midwife. You will need as much official support as you can get. A 19 year old starting a sexual relationship with a 15 year old is breaking the law. You are a 18 year old about to give birth - there's support out there for you.

It's highly exploitative of him too - and if your mum hadn't been so abusive it wouldn't have happened - but then she knows that. I don't know why she's ostensibly ok with you now - whether she had a drug or alcohol problem or an untreated MH condition but unless the cause of her abuse has gone and she has changed significantly I'd be wary of her. Very very wary.

https://england.shelter.org.uk/housingadvice/housinggforyounggpeople/housingoptionssforyounggparents

Go to the council now. Once you're back with your mum, you are housed. But currently you can't go home because your partner is financially and emotionally abusive.

I forgot to say, OP, whatever you do, do NOT let him know you’re on Mumsnet! This is a space that you can get support. Some abusive men have found their wives/partners on here and tried to gaslight them, pretending to be an ordinary poster or they’ve used the OP’s posts as a way of working out what the abuse victim is planning. No matter how tempted you are to prove that his thinking and behaviour is wrong, don’t show him this thread. He will turn as nice as nine pence for a while until he sucks you back in and once the baby is born, he’ll become more abusive than he ever was.

When you leave and have your baby, and I’m saying WHEN in the hope that you listen to the posters on here, don’t let him know until you’ve registered the baby. Also do not put his name on the birth certificate or use his name as the baby’s surname. This will give you a breather as it means he doesn’t have an automatic right to contact with the baby. He will have to go through court and get a DNA test done. It also means that if you move or go on holiday abroad, you don’t need a letter of permission to take your baby out of the country.

You will get people talking to you about HIS rights, but no one actually has the right to see their baby because it’s about the child’s rights. The two are not always compatible.

Thank you for your amazing advice - I've just admitted to my mum that I'm with DP. I lied to her and said I was with somebody else. I'm just hoping that she doesn't get angry with me.

@jsnsmsms

Thank you for your amazing advice - I've just admitted to my mum that I'm with DP. I lied to her and said I was with somebody else. I'm just hoping that she doesn't get angry with me.

She might get angry, but if she has any insight she should realise that she is responsible for making you too afraid to tell the truth and calm down.

I get really anxious to tell her the truth about anything incase she gets angry at me. When I moved out she threatened to call the police and get them to bring me back even though I was 17.

Thank you @DeliciouslyFemale and everyone else replying and giving me support. You've really made me feel better.

Do contact Women's Aid, you exDP is abusive and your Mum doesn't sound great. Ideally you would be found somewhere to live independently and given help on getting a job when you can, but they can give you advice and guidance on where you can look for help.

I was 16 when I got pregnant to a spineless abusive shit like your exDP. Unfortunately I stayed with him for 13 torturous years. I was scared to be a single mum, how would I cope financially, where would I live, admitting to my parents I fucked up royally.

Looking back I wished so much I walked away while I was still pregnant. It's now one of my biggest regrets, the years I wasted and opportunities lost.

I agree with a pp about studying part time. Make the most of your time while your baby is still little.

Me and my DP decided to start a family recently. I had to quit my job as it wasnt compatible with being pregnant so I signed up to the Open University and I'm now studying to be a primary teacher.

No previous qualifications needed to sign up for your chosen degree (you cant acquire them if needed alongside your degree), there are grants you will be entitled to which will cover the fees if on benefits or have a low income. You study from home, the courses are all online and there is a great online community where students support each other. Many people stydying through the OU work, have DC and study. For me, by the time my DC go to school I will be a fully qualified teacher

@Ispywithmycynicaleye

I was 16 when I got pregnant to a spineless abusive shit like your exDP. Unfortunately I stayed with him for 13 torturous years. I was scared to be a single mum, how would I cope financially, where would I live, admitting to my parents I fucked up royally.

Looking back I wished so much I walked away while I was still pregnant. It's now one of my biggest regrets, the years I wasted and opportunities lost.

I agree with a pp about studying part time. Make the most of your time while your baby is still little.

Me and my DP decided to start a family recently. I had to quit my job as it wasnt compatible with being pregnant so I signed up to the Open University and I'm now studying to be a primary teacher.

No previous qualifications needed to sign up for your chosen degree (you cant acquire them if needed alongside your degree), there are grants you will be entitled to which will cover the fees if on benefits or have a low income. You study from home, the courses are all online and there is a great online community where students support each other. Many people stydying through the OU work, have DC and study. For me, by the time my DC go to school I will be a fully qualified teacher

That's amazing well done for getting out of that dark place. I've heard a lot of people talk about open university it sounds great.

but if she has any insight she should realise that she is responsible for making you too afraid to tell the truth and calm down
going by what OP has said she doesnt sound like a person who 'does' insight.
OP I think be careful with your mother, it's great if she can offer some help but I would be careful not to trust or rely on her, 'any port in a storm'.... but ultimately find yourself safe harbour!

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl

18. Dear god. It's not judgement it's knowledge of how utterly and completely that changes everything. Every 18 year old I know is going off to uni for the first time. Their first time away from home with only basic domestic skills (baking cupcakes, possibly some form of pasta. Pot noodles). Hanging out in 'Spoons. Discovering politics and utterly convinced they they are wise and grown up beyond their years.

You are heavily pregnant with a total arsehole of a bf who says things like 'why would I choose you over my family' and wants you to become his personal domestic slave a SAHM.

Ok so your parents. Do they 'say nasty things about him' because they are nasty unreasonable people who don't love you? Or do they say them because you are 18 and they can see very clearly that he's knocked you up and is now treating you like shit? Because he damn well is.

Are they completely wrong and stupid? Or do they have more experience of little shits like him and know exactly what he is? Are you doing the 18 year old thing of proving a point? Because being an actual adult is about understanding 100% when you have made a mistake or got it wrong and dealing with it.

You crawling back to an abusive bf and his even more abusive father would be the biggest mistake of all.

Getting support from your family and working as soon as you can after having your baby to build an actual career would be a grown up decision. I don't know your family but be careful you are not still stuck in a teenage dynamic with them where you automatically oppose what they say and go against them just to break away.

But then you ARE a teenager and you ARE supposed to be at the point if breaking away which is why those shitty years of you arguing with them all the time exist. The problem is that you have nowhere safe to go and other 18 year olds might be flying the nest but they are not self supporting. Mummy and daddy are still bankrolling most of it and they don't have babies to look after.

So your best bet would be to repair your relationship with them, move nearby hopefully with some kind of housing benefit, and start working hopefully with them providing some free childcare - but you can't expect that full time. Maybe study part time. Maybe if you can find a shared house with another young mum?

Just staying on benefits as a single mum won't be a life lived well. Staying with this prick of a man will be much worse. So you have to choose sonething else.

Late to this thread but what a great post.

You sound very strong OP, I hope you're doing ok

How are you OP?

Hope everything is ok OP