DP's dad upsets me

[jsnsmsms]

I'm currently pregnant so maybe the hormones are making me over emotional but my DP's dad really upsets me. He says lots of things to DP behind my back such as 'all women are the same'. He also pulls his face everytime I'm with DP and he always wants to see DP alone without me there, DP says he doesn't 'talk the same around me'. I have sciatica at the moment and I'm in agony and DP's dad said that I should be helping DP clean up paint. I painted all yesterday even though I was in the worst pain because DP couldn't be arsed. He says that I should leave and go out whilst they're moving furniture in because I'll 'get in the way' (really he just doesn't want me around). DP never sticks up for me and lets him talk to me how he wants even though he said he would never let him disrespect me and that he's horrible to everyone. So just because he's horrible to everyone I'm supposed to put up with it? I don't want him around my baby due to how disrespectful he is to me and how negative he is in general. Everytime DP talks about doing something with his life, his dad says 'well why would you want to do that'. I hate him, he's a massive bully. How could I even begin to deal with this? He's his dad at the end of the day so I feel like I have to put up with it because we're having a baby but I'm honestly really fed up at this point. I've always been respectful towards his dad and really try to get him to like me.

Please go to your mum, I have a DD a little older than you and it makes me feel sick to think that you won't go to her to 'save face'.

Really all she'll be bothered about is that you're safe if you go to her, and won't judge you for going back.

Hope you're ok.

You’re pregnant, cold and have sciatica. And you’re sat on a bench.

Go to your mum’s. It’s the first step - go and have a hug and a cry and tell her everything.

Then ditch this nasty, gaslighting wankstain and concentrate on you and baby.

You need to prioritise - what are your immediate needs. At the moment it’s getting out of the cold. Then it’s food and shelter. The rest will follow, but you need to take that first step

Oh, and about your mum making the 'sly comments' about him, it's because she can see straight through him, and read him like a book.

FWIW my FIL is exactly the same, he'll have a go at anybody for any perceived flaws in either personality or looks, the difference is I've pulled him up on his behaviour, and told him what I think. I don't care if he doesn't like it, and he knows that!

I do feel like I really need her support. She was abusive towards me in the past though. I think that's why I see this behaviour as normal, I've never known any different. Coming on here made me realise how he is treating me and I'm glad I opened up.

Please go to your mum. You need love and support.

Go back to your mum's for now. Doesn't have to be forever but you need to take care of yourself and be warm.

Bloody hell. What an absolute cock he is.

Home to mum. She has got his number and will be so relieved to be able to care for you now.

Honestly, I'd have nothing to do with him now. Do not be persuaded by anything he says - there is no way he'll be a fit father or partner for about 30 years.

Ah have just seen your update about your mum. Fuck. You're in a right pickle. Any other family you could turn to?

@jsnsmsms

I do feel like I really need her support. She was abusive towards me in the past though. I think that's why I see this behaviour as normal, I've never known any different. Coming on here made me realise how he is treating me and I'm glad I opened up.

In what way was she abusive and when did it stop? What’s your father like? You poor love, you’ve had such an awful time. I wish I could give you a big hug.

You're all right - I'm going to speak to her about it all, she will understand. And no my mum and my DP are the only people I talk to, I don't have any friends or close family. Thanks for your kindness and support.

Go to the council offices and present yourself as homeless. Partner is abusive, Mum is abusive you have nowhere to go and are homeless.

Speak to woman's aid too, a place in a refuge or B&B for now is better than being trapped with an abuser.

@RandomMess

Go to the council offices and present yourself as homeless. Partner is abusive, Mum is abusive you have nowhere to go and are homeless.

Speak to woman's aid too, a place in a refuge or B&B for now is better than being trapped with an abuser.

Yes. I agree that this might be your best option.

Your council will have an emergency homeless number on the website - call it... it may just be a bnb at first but it will be the start of somewhere for you.....I would contact them before your mum - only as if you go to your mums it may take a bit longer....

He's already starting, at 22. Why do you think he wants an 18 year old? Because you haven't yet learnt what men like him are. No wonder your mum hates him, if I was her id want to kill him
^this!

There is a way out of this.

You have taken the first step.

You will not be abused and pushed around and your baby will not now grow up in an emotionally unstable environment which will harm their development and cause behaviour problems.

Even in pregnancy stress hormones cortisol and adrenaline will be absorbed by your baby - so your leaving the situation and looking for answers is a brilliant maternal instinct.

So well done to you.

You have time to work it all out. Front and centre is that you as the mother have to be calm, confident and balanced as this gets sensed and absorbed by our DC. You should not be in any environment or in any RS that takes you away from that state.

Your aim is a home for your baby where the aim in peace and calm, where everyone behaves with kindness and respect to each other. If there are people in your life who treat you less than kind and respectfully then you need to detach from them and surround yourself with nicer people.

Working and childcare is v difficult financially. If you could look at a part time online training program this would allow you to qualify in a career in time for once your baby was in nursery / preschool. But for now focus on your most important career of being an emotionally present and attuned mother for your baby. Read up on parenting and attachment (Philipa Perry’s book is brilliant). It’s tough because you may not have had the best parenting role models - so you need to read up about emotional development in babies and keep be aware of any skills that were not modelled to you.

@DeliciouslyFemale She made me and my sister move in with her boyfriend I was 15 at the time and didn't know him. It was a 2 bed house so I slept in the living room, the window was smashed from previous tenants so it was cold in there for months until she got it fixed. She bought her and her boyfriend a new bed as soon as we moved in but I had to sleep on a sofa that was mouldy smelling and she didn't even give me the bed that they had before, they just threw it away. She would come home everyday and shout at me for whatever reasons mostly just because she's had a bad day. My sister was alot older and unemployed but she always favoured her over me. She would threaten to punch me if she was annoyed but she never did. Mostly just emotionally abusive. I was in a relationship with my now DP since being 15 and he was 19. That's why she doesn't like him. She said I was a victim in this situation however when she found me texting him one time she literally picked me up and threw me out of the room, I don't know where that strength came from as she's tiny. She got the police to come round and threaten me saying that not only could he get in trouble but I could as well. Don't know how that's any way to treat a victim but I can also understand she was trying to protect me.

Go to your mum’s, OP. It doesn’t have to be permanent. Stay there while you sort out your plans for the future. Do not go back to your horrible DP - no matter what he says.

You’re not stupid to have been financially abused like this. Abusers are crafty. It builds up slowly and you think it’s normal. Later, you’ll look back on this and see it for what it was.

I echo the advice to not put his name on the birth certificate and to not give baby his surname.

Please look after yourself. XX

I did sense some history with mum. Sadly his abuse is far far worse and has the potential to be incredibly severe and life limiting. So mums help needs to be contained - she helps but you do not depend on her. As long as she is ok she's around but you limit your time and interactions with her so she is never someone you rely on. Not too much time with her either.

If she's not abusive currently and willing to help go to her but then you'll need to start sorting out getting your own place as soon as you can. In the meantime join any groups for single mums or women about to give birth and after the baby join the NCT etc and go to as many mother and baby things as you can (yes I know it's Covid but do what you can).

I wonder why you have no friends? Could it be that he's prevented that as part of his Steps Every Abuser Follows? They have a manual, pretty much. Mother and baby groups followed by work will fix that anyway.

Fortunately being a young mum has its advantages too. There's nothing to stop you being a good mum, you'll do your growing up as you go along and by the time baby is your age you'll still be young. Get into a decent career and by 40 you'll be on top of the world.

You'll probably meet someone too - but maybe just leave that part till you're confident you can tell the difference between a good one and a bad one. Having an abusive childhood tends to really muddle that one up so there may be a few things you need to deal with in therapy of some sort first.

But as a young mum with one young child I can tell you that really you can do anything you want. You can and will meet someone who will happily be a great step dad, and father to more children if you want.

No one starts their forever career at 18 so though it's extra work it's far from over work wise.

The only thing that will ruin your life is you staying with this POS. That will do it. 100%. As will meeting another POS because you were too scared to be alone.

This man will totally fuck you - financially, emotionally, work wise. He will suck every ounce of hope and ambition and joy from you and when you are nothing he will discard you like a used tissue. He will also totally destroy your child.

It sounds like you get that. Go to the least worst option (mum) and make your plan from there. She at least gave birth to you he's made it clear you are nothing to him.

And read up about abusive controlling men - he will suddenly become mr wonderful to suck you back in. That will last approximately days before he's back to normal. Get all benefits sent to YOU. Ring now.

A 19 year old man and a 15 year old child? Ugh. He chose you so he could control you. Revolting.

Your mum is appalling but he's worse.

You need him away from you ASAP and her very very much only on your terms and very limited contact. I'd not want baby unsupervised with her either.

I am so so sorry that your own mother abused and neglected you so badly as a young child.

You are clearly v emotionally intelligent to know that this left you v vulnerable to another abusive RS. You can use that emotional intelligence to survive this. Know that your DP and DM are emotionally ignorant and abusive and you want better for your child.

That’s horrendous. No wonder you ended up with an abusive man. All of this stuff that you have went and are currently going through is not normal. This is not how normal families behave, even if you see friends going through similar, I guarantee it’s not normal or acceptable. The difficulty with being an abused child, is that we tend to make friendships with other abused children as that is what we view the world as.

Where’s your sister? Do you get on and do you think she would help? I think you should present yourself to the council as homeless and I know they may not be able to give you what you want straight away, but persevere with them and some time down the line, you will have your own safe home. You may have to stay in a B&M for a while, but at least you’ll be on their list. Don’t let this history of abusive relationships be passed on to your own child.

What about your dad?

OP please don’t go home to him. He’s abusive. Be strong and show him you do not need him.
My advice would be to go to your mums for the time being. Get straight on with trying to get a council property I’m sure your mum will help you. Claim UC so you have some money coming in.

Once he realises you aren’t going back to him he will get nasty and try every trick in the book to get you to go back including threatening to take your baby.
You need to not listen. Get advice from your midwife there will be loads of real life support out there. I know things seem hard right now but as previous posters have said it will all come together eventually.

Someone who loves you would not try prevent your family from coming round, would not have told you to quit your job and wouldn’t let his dad disrespect you. He wants to control every aspect of your life. Do not let him.