DP's dad upsets me

[jsnsmsms]

I'm currently pregnant so maybe the hormones are making me over emotional but my DP's dad really upsets me. He says lots of things to DP behind my back such as 'all women are the same'. He also pulls his face everytime I'm with DP and he always wants to see DP alone without me there, DP says he doesn't 'talk the same around me'. I have sciatica at the moment and I'm in agony and DP's dad said that I should be helping DP clean up paint. I painted all yesterday even though I was in the worst pain because DP couldn't be arsed. He says that I should leave and go out whilst they're moving furniture in because I'll 'get in the way' (really he just doesn't want me around). DP never sticks up for me and lets him talk to me how he wants even though he said he would never let him disrespect me and that he's horrible to everyone. So just because he's horrible to everyone I'm supposed to put up with it? I don't want him around my baby due to how disrespectful he is to me and how negative he is in general. Everytime DP talks about doing something with his life, his dad says 'well why would you want to do that'. I hate him, he's a massive bully. How could I even begin to deal with this? He's his dad at the end of the day so I feel like I have to put up with it because we're having a baby but I'm honestly really fed up at this point. I've always been respectful towards his dad and really try to get him to like me.

Look at your fil and see your partner in the future.

Like father like son

I'd be concerned that your FIL is not that dissimilar to his son - your DP is letting him say all this crap, not standing up for you, and he isn't pitching in with the painting but is letting you do it all.

Does he do his share of the housework?
Do you have fair arrangements regarding finances and assets?
What's the plan with childcare?

Thanks for all your replies. And I'm currently unemployed, he told me to quit work during coronavirus because he has enough to pay for us. He wants me to be a SAHM but because of just feeling so vulnerable I want to go back to work at some point. I hate relying on people.

Oh dear - you're not married and you've given up your job and financial independence on his say-so? What's the housing situation?

I feel so stupid for doing it. And just renting.

Joint tenants?

No unfortunately

Oh my Christ

This is like watching a car crash in slow motion

@jsnsmsms

Thanks for all your replies. And I'm currently unemployed, he told me to quit work during coronavirus because he has enough to pay for us. He wants me to be a SAHM but because of just feeling so vulnerable I want to go back to work at some point. I hate relying on people.

For goodness sake.

Never hand all your power over to anyone. Never.

Well it's too late to say that, MrsTerryPratchett.

OP, do you have family to go to if things went tits up?

Your FIL is only the tip of the iceberg......!

It's not too late to acknowledge it and make some changes. We all do bloody stupid things. Then we learn.

Are you eligible to claim any benefits or does he earn too much? It's really important to have a bit of your own money. What access to money do you have?

I painted all yesterday even though I was in the worst pain because DP couldn't be arsed

Your partner’s dad is not your biggest problem.

Your partner is walking all over you and you are lying down under his feet with the word doormat emblazoned across your face.

DP says he doesn't want my family round all the time we can go to there house instead so why is it fine for his dad to barge in whenever he wants.

Have you spoken to him about the inequality of this? Have you actually put into words that you hate the way his dad speaks to you and you don’t want him around? Why are you with him if he won’t stick up for you? He wants you to leave the house when his dad comes round? What are you supposed to do?!

@category12

Are you eligible to claim any benefits or does he earn too much? It's really important to have a bit of your own money. What access to money do you have?

I can claim for UC but all of it is going towards the bills and he says that I can have whatever is leftover. I didn't think this was unfair because I'm not working.

So many of these men seem to bully women, thinking they are in charge and its do as they say i.e. this FIL. Ive met a few recently and am sick of their behaviour. OP you have my sympathies and I hope you can find a way through this that suits you.

@Shizzlestix

DP says he doesn't want my family round all the time we can go to there house instead so why is it fine for his dad to barge in whenever he wants.

Have you spoken to him about the inequality of this? Have you actually put into words that you hate the way his dad speaks to you and you don’t want him around? Why are you with him if he won’t stick up for you? He wants you to leave the house when his dad comes round? What are you supposed to do?!

I didn't argue with this because my family have treated him badly in the past. I haven't spoken to him yet about it but I'm going to in the morning.

@tangledhair

So many of these men seem to bully women, thinking they are in charge and its do as they say i.e. this FIL. Ive met a few recently and am sick of their behaviour. OP you have my sympathies and I hope you can find a way through this that suits you.

Thank you that's very kind

Update: DP says that I'm being dramatic and that his dad doesn't talk about me badly. Great.

@jsnsmsms
Your partner is so conditioned to his dads behaviour and words he cant see there is anything wrong with him.

I'm not sure how you make him see differently.

My daughters boyfriends mum is vile and horrible (with occasional extra niceness) and she made a comment about my daughter and so she stopped going round abd eventually told her boyfriend why.

He told her not to be daft and his mum talks to everyone the same and not to take it personally. Honestly he's so conditioned to it he thinks its normal.

Go to your parents. He doesn’t get to dictate what hurts you and what doesn’t. You need to make a stand.

He had already got you to give up your job, your home is in his name only, you have no access to money - this is not how a good man treats his partner let alone letting his dad walk all over you too.

You need to leave now and plan to have the baby elsewhere. Please don’t throw your freedom away like this

Your update was no great surprise. The bigger problem is that you won’t accept that your partner is the problem, by focusing on his Dad you’ve avoided having to make the decision about staying in a relationship with a man who will prioritise a bully of you.

The onus is always on the one who doesn’t like the status quo, to make the changes. This is who you partner is, base any decision on that fact, rather than on version of him that you desperately want him to be.

Yes I totally agree with RinderTinder. Leave now. Go to your parents if you can. Don’t put his name on the birth certificate - let him go to court if he wants parental rights. Don’t give your hideous partner and his foul family the chance to keep you in chains for the next 18 years.

I've walked out couldn't stand being there. I'm so upset. He said his dad is a dick but he's not said anything to upset me. I said it doesn't matter if he was meaning to upset me or not (which he was) but that he did upset me.