DP's dad upsets me

[jsnsmsms]

I'm currently pregnant so maybe the hormones are making me over emotional but my DP's dad really upsets me. He says lots of things to DP behind my back such as 'all women are the same'. He also pulls his face everytime I'm with DP and he always wants to see DP alone without me there, DP says he doesn't 'talk the same around me'. I have sciatica at the moment and I'm in agony and DP's dad said that I should be helping DP clean up paint. I painted all yesterday even though I was in the worst pain because DP couldn't be arsed. He says that I should leave and go out whilst they're moving furniture in because I'll 'get in the way' (really he just doesn't want me around). DP never sticks up for me and lets him talk to me how he wants even though he said he would never let him disrespect me and that he's horrible to everyone. So just because he's horrible to everyone I'm supposed to put up with it? I don't want him around my baby due to how disrespectful he is to me and how negative he is in general. Everytime DP talks about doing something with his life, his dad says 'well why would you want to do that'. I hate him, he's a massive bully. How could I even begin to deal with this? He's his dad at the end of the day so I feel like I have to put up with it because we're having a baby but I'm honestly really fed up at this point. I've always been respectful towards his dad and really try to get him to like me.

OP I hope you are in a safe place and not feeling as upset. I notice you posted at 7.48 am. I know posters were saying to leave but I hope you are not out in the cold.

He texted me calling me selfish and saying I make everything about myself and why would he choose me over his family. I never asked him to choose I just said that I want him to care. I'm too embarrassed to show my face at my mums or dads incase they think I'm pathetic. I'm just lost, I have no money so I can't just leave, there's nothing I can do. I'm just sat on a bench regretting everything.

His dad calls him fat, insults his clothes and anything he wants to do with his life. I said I've always supported him and anything he wants to do such as set up his own business. He just said that I stormed out like a brat and he doesn't care if I'm sat out in the cold.

I feel so stupid that I ever got pregnant - I should have stayed in my job

I just want the best life for my baby and wish it could be just me and the baby but there's no where else I can go.

Don't be embarrassed to leave. If you think living with this shit for the rest of you life is better than being embarrassed for a short time you're wrong. Your family won't judge you sweetheart. They want you to be happy. Your OH sounds spineless and he'll let his Dad walk all over both of you if you hang about.

Please go to a parent or friends house. You have no reason to feel pathetic -youre very brave and strong to walk out.

Thank you for your kindness. I would go to my mums but when could I ever get in work again, I would hate to live off her. I wanted to show everyone that I could be a great mum despite only being 18. I was reluctant to share my age because of judgement in the past.

You really need to go to your parents. It might be awkward, but support like that is invaluable.

Yes you might be hormonal, but have you considered that your senses are more finely tuned now as to what's best for your baby? Your baby's asshole granfather will probably try his best to undermine you and make you look bad.

I would not have wanted you to paint whilst pregnant. The fumes aren't great for anyone.

He says that it's not his fault I have a problem with his dad and why am I treating him like shit. I haven't said one bad word to him, and I said that his dad is the one that has a problem with me.

Hang on, whose house are you painting? If it's yours - kick them both the fuck out. Don't stand for being insulted in your own home.
If it's his, leave and don't bloody help.

I say this as kindly as possible but he won't change - he'll turn into his father - a massive prick. You made decisions, they weren't the best, but you can make right.
Don't depend on him for anything because (by the sounds of it) he'll make out that you are either being 'hysterical' or that it's your own fault. Bollocks to that. Make life better for you and your baby and cut this arse hole out as much as possible. Don't allow your child to grow up and see this as normal. And I wouldn't be allowing contact with someone who sounds as toxic as 'D'P's dad - he doesn't deserve to know your baby

@jsnsmsms

He says that it's not his fault I have a problem with his dad and why am I treating him like shit. I haven't said one bad word to him, and I said that his dad is the one that has a problem with me.

Go to your mums.

You cannot stay with that man. He'll not change

Go to your mums and investigate your options.

OP please go to your mom, there is no judgement from me because you are 18. You have nothing to prove, if you want to show you are able to look after your child, standing up to your DP is right at the top, that is you protecting your baby. Go to your moms, and you can work everything else out (finances, jobs, etc.) later, please go somewhere that is warm and safe.

You will still be entitled to benefits whilst living with your Mum and you can claim maintenance from your current DP/Ex.

Are you claiming maternity allowance?

Sometimes being a true adult and responsible is admitting you were wrong about a relationship and ending it.

@RandomMess

Are you claiming maternity allowance?

Sometimes being a true adult and responsible is admitting you were wrong about a relationship and ending it.

No I'm not. I got a maternity grant and he got it sent to his bank account. I spent my birthday money on a SnuzPod for my baby and my dad bought the pram. He's not had to buy anything.

You should be able to claim maternity allowance or did you quit your job to early?

Whose name is the rental property in?

@RandomMess

You should be able to claim maternity allowance or did you quit your job to early?

Whose name is the rental property in?

I quit my job too early. And his. He said when we move he'll put it in my name and if ever I want him to leave the UC will be enough to pay for it by myself.

The fact he took the maternity grant and persuaded you to quite hurt job indicate that he is being financially abusive and wants you stuck.

Please don't go back to him. Go to your Mums house, claim UC start applying for jobs etc (you won't get one but just need to apply).

Build your life without him. He will never have your back and is just like his Dad unfortunately.

Is he much older than you?

@RandomMess

The fact he took the maternity grant and persuaded you to quite hurt job indicate that he is being financially abusive and wants you stuck.

Please don't go back to him. Go to your Mums house, claim UC start applying for jobs etc (you won't get one but just need to apply).

Build your life without him. He will never have your back and is just like his Dad unfortunately.

Is he much older than you?

I thought the same - why does he get the grant and I don't. But I always just think 'well I don't work so'. And yes he's 22

18. Dear god. It's not judgement it's knowledge of how utterly and completely that changes everything. Every 18 year old I know is going off to uni for the first time. Their first time away from home with only basic domestic skills (baking cupcakes, possibly some form of pasta. Pot noodles). Hanging out in 'Spoons. Discovering politics and utterly convinced they they are wise and grown up beyond their years.

You are heavily pregnant with a total arsehole of a bf who says things like 'why would I choose you over my family' and wants you to become his personal domestic slave a SAHM.

Ok so your parents. Do they 'say nasty things about him' because they are nasty unreasonable people who don't love you? Or do they say them because you are 18 and they can see very clearly that he's knocked you up and is now treating you like shit? Because he damn well is.

Are they completely wrong and stupid? Or do they have more experience of little shits like him and know exactly what he is? Are you doing the 18 year old thing of proving a point? Because being an actual adult is about understanding 100% when you have made a mistake or got it wrong and dealing with it.

You crawling back to an abusive bf and his even more abusive father would be the biggest mistake of all.

Getting support from your family and working as soon as you can after having your baby to build an actual career would be a grown up decision. I don't know your family but be careful you are not still stuck in a teenage dynamic with them where you automatically oppose what they say and go against them just to break away.

But then you ARE a teenager and you ARE supposed to be at the point if breaking away which is why those shitty years of you arguing with them all the time exist. The problem is that you have nowhere safe to go and other 18 year olds might be flying the nest but they are not self supporting. Mummy and daddy are still bankrolling most of it and they don't have babies to look after.

So your best bet would be to repair your relationship with them, move nearby hopefully with some kind of housing benefit, and start working hopefully with them providing some free childcare - but you can't expect that full time. Maybe study part time. Maybe if you can find a shared house with another young mum?

Just staying on benefits as a single mum won't be a life lived well. Staying with this prick of a man will be much worse. So you have to choose sonething else.

Go he to your mum. Do you really want your child growing up with this piece of abusive shit, OP? Do you want to be sitting in that flat with your child listening to her/his grandfather calling her/his mum names or even calling your baby names and mocking it?

You deserve better and so does your child. You have a choice if you want to say with this horrible bully of a partner, but your poor baby will have no choice. That’s not fair on baby. It really isn’t.

Your mum will feel ten times worse, knowing her daughter and grandchild is growing up listening to her/his mother being abused. You’ll get some benefits to help and eventually be able to go back to work, but not if you stay with him. He literally wants you bare foot and pregnant!

Go home to your mum!
Leave your DP and his DD to it.
Stay with your DP if you want your life to continue like this, you are walking into a trap, you will have no money, a baby, a DP who hasn't got your back and a FIL who enjoys making your life a misery, next thing is you will probably get pregnant again then you'll be well and truly stuck.
Do you think their behaviour is going to change, from experience I'd say no, it will get worse.
People only treat you how you allow yourself to be treated.
Go home to your mum, have your baby, claim benefits, give yourself some time then look for work, babies dont stay babies for long.
You're 18, your life could be so much better without these 2 arseholes in it.
You've got your whole life in front of you.
Be brave and go home

So he is financially abusive too, the grant should have paid for the baby's things. Is this how you want your baby to grow up having to go without because he spends it on whatever he wants. Don't worry about the future for now, having that conversation and walking out are massive steps. Go to your parents and explain what has happened, that is next big step to take.

Oh so I see he adds financial abuse to his list. He took YOUR MONEY. This plays out very very badly, I've seen it on here. I've seen women whose husbands take all money and give them nothing or who expect them to use all their money to pay all childcare, buy household food and pay all bills leaving then nothing unable to afford even tampons. I've seen women who haven't eaten for 3 days because they needed to feed their children while he ate takeaways. I've seen women forced to sleep on the floor because he didn't want them in the bedroom, who haven't bought a winter coat for 10 years.

You think you won't be that woman? Think again. He's already starting, at 22. Why do you think he wants an 18 year old? Because you haven't yet learnt what men like him are. No wonder your mum hates him, if I was her id want to kill him.

As well as gaslighting you pretending his father isn't saying things. Plus expecting you to paint etc. When you have the baby he will take all the money, expect you to do 100% of household work and make sure you never have any freedom or money.

You can and will be a good mum. But if you allow your child to be brought up with this you then become a mum who is giving them the worst thing you can - evidence that this is ok.