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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My best friend has declared his feelings and I'm confused

143 replies

wistfulchameleon · 24/09/2020 09:59

Name changed for this.

I left my marriage of 13 years a few years ago now. The very first person I started to date (whom I met online) I fell for quite badly. Unfortunately my head wasn't in the right place to begin another serious relationship so I ended it. I never told him the extent of my feelings for him, I kept them to myself and we began a friendship instead.
Three years later he is my best friend. We have so much in common, talk daily, meet for lunch every week, he makes me laugh and I love every second of his company. I'd genuinely moved on from my romantic feelings towards him in to viewing him in a purely platonic way.

I've just ended a 7 month relationship because it didn't feel right, and about a week later my friend asked to see me urgently. He told me that he's in love with me and always has been. It completely threw me, and almost immediately I could feel my old romantic feelings towards him returning to the surface. We slept together that evening and it was amazing.

The issue is that I'm really not sure if I should proceed with this. I mean, I want to, very much. But I don't know if two friends can move beyond that point and begin a relationship without risking everything they have together. Would you throw caution to the wind and go for it, or would you keep your cool and attempt to salvage the friendship? He means a lot to me, he's probably the only person in the world I really trust and l don't want to lose him.

OP posts:
wishing3 · 24/09/2020 16:04

Go for it. Yes, if it went tits up there’s a chance you’d regret it, but the alternative is regret at never trying it! Don’t do yourself out of the chance for a great relationship.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 24/09/2020 16:21

Hm. Ime he's just thrown a hand grenade into your friendship. There is no way now that you can turn him down for a romantic relationship but keep a friendship - it will be completely coloured by his having romantic feelings and you not.

If you try dating him (again) then I would be very wary whether he has got any vulnerable information out of you that you wouldn't have told a romantic partner.

The reason I bring up vulnerability is that you said he's the ONLY person in your world you can trust. This isn't usual. Do you have people around you who you feel don't have your best interests at heart?

wistfulchameleon · 24/09/2020 17:44

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Hm. Ime he's just thrown a hand grenade into your friendship. There is no way now that you can turn him down for a romantic relationship but keep a friendship - it will be completely coloured by his having romantic feelings and you not.

If you try dating him (again) then I would be very wary whether he has got any vulnerable information out of you that you wouldn't have told a romantic partner.

The reason I bring up vulnerability is that you said he's the ONLY person in your world you can trust. This isn't usual. Do you have people around you who you feel don't have your best interests at heart?

No, I really don't feel that I have people around me who don't have my best interests at heart. If I felt that I wouldn't keep them in my life, I'd get rid of them.

He's not the type of man who would exploit someone. He knows everything about me and I'm comfortable with what he knows anyway. I've nothing to hide from anyone.

OP posts:
wistfulchameleon · 24/09/2020 17:46

@JimmyJabs

You're overthinking it. I wish I had a hot, great-at-sex best male friend who was in love with me! It sounds like he's everything you could want, so just go for it.
Thank you! I've just spoken to him. We both feel exactly the same, so it looks like we're doing this! 😬
OP posts:
Dery · 24/09/2020 19:05

Great news, OP! Have fun!

BG1234 · 24/09/2020 20:03

This is a lovely thread. I agree with a pp there are so many threads that make you feel cynical with life but this has made me smile.

Enjoy all of the excitement!!

Cakeandcustard123 · 24/09/2020 20:13

Ah I love a happy ending!! Come on OP spill the beans, what was said Grin

motherofawhirlwind · 24/09/2020 20:23

I'm still with my best friend after 25 years. Go for it.

bringon2020 · 24/09/2020 21:36

You were never friends. You compared your boyfriend to him (and he fared better!). He flirted with you. You were a couple, just never admitted it! 😉

wistfulchameleon · 24/09/2020 21:58

He's in my kitchen pouring me a G&T. Grin He asked if he could come and spend the night, so I pushed my stupid fretting to the back of my mind and said yes.
When I opened the door and he came inside we just stood there for ages grinning at each other, holding hands. 🙈 It can't be wrong when it feels so right, right?

OP posts:
wishywashywoowoo70 · 24/09/2020 22:04

Aw I love this. Be happy and enjoy life together

Sunny4876 · 24/09/2020 22:10

Aww a happy ending,I wish my best friend loved me like I love him.

PunkStrumpet · 24/09/2020 22:23

GET ON WITH IT! Grin

mena51 · 24/09/2020 22:26

This is so sweet!

Oly4 · 24/09/2020 22:32

Yay you’re doing the right thing. He doesn’t want to be your friend.. he wants this. Enjoy!

BouncyMonk · 24/09/2020 22:39

Eeeeeeeeeeek I’m so jealous! Bloody go for it! It sounds perfect

Hopeisnotastrategy · 25/09/2020 06:54

Lovely!

Dozer · 25/09/2020 07:05

He’s never been a friend/‘best’ friend. You were both interested in a sexual / romantic relationship. It might work out, and if it doesn’t and you no longer spend time with him as ‘friends’ that’s OK too.

Your language about both your past relationship with him and the current situation seems dramatic and fearful. Perhaps you have a ‘script’ about being scared/‘vulnerable’/‘having emotional baggage‘ etc? If so, would work hard to ditch that!

Eekay · 25/09/2020 07:15

Awww such a happy ending. My DH started off as one of my closest mates. Been happily married over 20 years now

Oblomov20 · 25/09/2020 07:50

Sounds fabulous. I don't quite 'get' what the problem ever was?

Opentooffers · 26/09/2020 11:23

If an ex hangs around for 3 years becoming your best friend, and you see each other weekly,. And talk daily, it's a fair bet there's more between you really. With adults, it's rare that platonic friends would have that much contact - work and family get in the way.
He's likely waited 3 years for you, while you've been dating and chasing what you had in front of you all the time. You've had the time to work things out, sounds like perfect timing. That's some devotion from him. There's no point in continuing to look for someone else, it could be a long time if never, for someone else to match up, enjoy Smile

Home42 · 26/09/2020 11:27

Hooray!!! My favourite post of the day! Congratulations 😁

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 26/09/2020 11:33

You're not friends. You're in love with each other - you were just pretending not to be. Flowers

Deux · 26/09/2020 11:45

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl

You're not friends. You're in love with each other - you were just pretending not to be. Flowers
This is my take on it as well. Enjoy!
Dery · 26/09/2020 11:58

@wistfulchameleon - thanks for the heartwarming update! I'm grinning from ear to ear just reading it and I'm sure everyone else is too. Onwards and upwards, OP!

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