My best friend has declared his feelings and I'm confused

[wistfulchameleon]

Name changed for this.

I left my marriage of 13 years a few years ago now. The very first person I started to date (whom I met online) I fell for quite badly. Unfortunately my head wasn't in the right place to begin another serious relationship so I ended it. I never told him the extent of my feelings for him, I kept them to myself and we began a friendship instead.
Three years later he is my best friend. We have so much in common, talk daily, meet for lunch every week, he makes me laugh and I love every second of his company. I'd genuinely moved on from my romantic feelings towards him in to viewing him in a purely platonic way.

I've just ended a 7 month relationship because it didn't feel right, and about a week later my friend asked to see me urgently. He told me that he's in love with me and always has been. It completely threw me, and almost immediately I could feel my old romantic feelings towards him returning to the surface. We slept together that evening and it was amazing.

The issue is that I'm really not sure if I should proceed with this. I mean, I want to, very much. But I don't know if two friends can move beyond that point and begin a relationship without risking everything they have together. Would you throw caution to the wind and go for it, or would you keep your cool and attempt to salvage the friendship? He means a lot to me, he's probably the only person in the world I really trust and l don't want to lose him.

OP, we've adopted a saying at home: "we are alive in a Pandemic!" It's basically about living life to the full and not missing out on opportunities. It's understandable that you don't want things to go wrong and you ruin the friendship but the connection you have with him sounds absolutely perfect- the ideal relationship. I think you could be full of regrets if you didn't give this a go or if you met someone else, would you be comparing them to your friend. Go for it! You only live once and you deserve to be happy!

This sounds like an amazing love story! It's so nice to read something happy on these boards!
Absolutely second what everyone else has said.
Keeping him as a friend in case it all messes up and you lose him seems like the same logic as having a ferrari in the garage and driving an old banger so it doesn't get scratched.
You like him, he's your best friend, you think he's gorgeous, you fancy the pants off him and the sex is amazing.
Drive the bloody ferrari off into the sunset OP, and don't forget to send us a postcard!!

I've known and been friends with my OH for more than 10 years. Had the odd romantic encounter with each other, but was never the right time for either of us. We've now been together 5 years. He's my best friend. We have such a strong wonderful relationship.

Go for it.

I think you'll regret it more if you don't go for it. You'll always wonder "what if".

When I ended my recent relationship, the driving factor was that I compared him to my best friend and preferred BFs company. I knew that if I stayed with this man I was selling myself short because there is so much more to be had.
I never run out of things to say to my friend. I never feel awkward, or like I can't just be myself. I pretty much hang on his every word because I find him fascinating (he's ridiculously smart but unassuming with it) and extremely witty. He's so supportive of me and makes me feel great whenever I'm with him.
Given the unanimous verdict that I should proceed, it seems I'd be foolish not to.
Thank you all for the advice. Let's hope I don't live to regret it. x

@wistfulchameleon

The way things are now, we could go back. We had plenty of sex when we were dating a couple of years ago, and because neither of us wanted to walk away completely that's how we became friends. I like him as a person so much, he's very special to me. Yes, I fancy him...he's gorgeous. I always did fancy him, but I'd shelved my feelings for him and just thought that we'd always be in each other's lives in a totally platonic way. I'm scared to say 'okay, let's do this. Let's fall in love and be together as a couple' and if it doesn't work out I lose the one person on the planet that I actually like and respect!

So you would rather get in to a relationship with/a potential life partner with someone who isn't as great as him? That is madness woman!

Go for it. Why wouldn't you. It sounds like the perfect package. Friendship and great in bed.

🥰👏👏👏
This thread has so made me smile today! Hooray for love! Let us know how it goes OP if you're not too busy having amazing sex

Well, I started a relationship with my best friend and now bitterly regret it. After two years he dumped me hard. And now says he is in love with me again, and threatens to break off our friendship altogether if I don’t get back with him! He’s a twat tho. Hopefully your best friend is better!

"Sometimes OP it's better to regret doing something rather than regret not doing it"

This with bells on. Yes, life is not risk-free and there's a possibility it will all go south and you might lose the friendship forever - though it seems unlikely given the strength of its foundations. But a properly lived life involves taking healthy risks and my goodness - if there were ever a promising start to a relationship - it has to be this surely. The odds appear to be stacked very much in favour of this relationship being a huge success.

And I'm completely with @Itwasntme101 flags: my experience of life so far is that it is the things I haven't done which have caused much greater regret than the things I have (even if the things I have done haven't turned out as I would have wanted). I think that is the case for most people (with perhaps an exception for people who habitually engage in blatantly reckless behaviour...).

Definitely go for it - you will regret it so much if you don't give this a proper try.

"Keeping him as a friend in case it all messes up and you lose him seems like the same logic as having a ferrari in the garage and driving an old banger so it doesn't get scratched."

@Cavagirl - beautifully put and so true!

Don't make this a tragic saga, where you stay friends he meets someone else etc etc.

I'd try not to over think and add complications. Go with the flow

I married my best friend, his proposal was completely out of the blue (yes, we went from best friends to engaged without any official dating in between) and it was kind of terrifying, but saying yes was the best decision I ever made. Go for it!

If he has feelings for you the friendship wont continue the way it is now anyways. If you turn him down he might stay friends and pretend whe hoping something will happen one day. Or he will end the friendship because its too hard.
So you might as well go for it and try a relationship.

I had the same fears. My husband was my best friend and I was so afraid of ruining the friendship we had. I took the plunge and we were engaged within a month and married a year later. 12 years on we are still best friends plus we get to shag. It's the best!

Honestly this seems like the best way to have a relationship- friends first. It’s how I met my first love and it was the best thing ever. I’ve never had that opportunity again unfortunately. Go for it!

Go for it and be happy!

Wow..it sounds amazing! You are so lucky. Grab this with both hands. Good luck

Go for it. You can't go back now you know how he feels.

I understand you concerns though. A few years ago my closest friend declared his feelings for me. I would have described our friendship how you describe yours. I didn't particularly fancy him though, so turned him down and our friendship continued. When he asked me again a year later I went with it, because he was so perfect in every way, I thought I could grow to love him romantically, and didn't think there was anything to lose. Those feelings didn't develop for me, and I hurt him badly when I ended it. We couldn't stay friends after that. I still miss him. I've never had a friendship like it, and I regret losing him. It's very different though. I knew I didn't have those feelings for him and kidded myself that I could have. You feel the same way for this man as he does for you.

@BrieAndChilli

You’ve already lost him as a friend by sleeping with him. If you decide not to have a relationship he will feel embarrassed, not good enough, angry etc etc and your friendship will be over anyway. So what have you got to lose by giving it a go. It might be the best thing you ever did. If you give it a go and it doesn’t work hopefully your existing relationship will mean you will be able to part as friends whereas if you don’t give it a go you will always wonder what if.

This

@wistfulchameleon

The way things are now, we could go back. We had plenty of sex when we were dating a couple of years ago, and because neither of us wanted to walk away completely that's how we became friends. I like him as a person so much, he's very special to me. Yes, I fancy him...he's gorgeous. I always did fancy him, but I'd shelved my feelings for him and just thought that we'd always be in each other's lives in a totally platonic way. I'm scared to say 'okay, let's do this. Let's fall in love and be together as a couple' and if it doesn't work out I lose the one person on the planet that I actually like and respect!

You can't really go back. If you don't want a relationship with him then you need to let him get over you. He said he's in love with you and always has been....so if you two are not going to be together and try to make something of it then the right thing to do is cut contact and let him move on and get over you so he can start to move on with someone else.

It worked out for me
Nicest relationship I've had, and I had all the same worries you had, wasted a girls trip away discussing every possible outcome. Came back, got together and it was just the easiest thing. I love that we were friends first.
Give it a go, it could be the best thing you ever did

relationships rarely work out so i’d keep him as a friend

@wistfulchameleon

When I ended my recent relationship, the driving factor was that I compared him to my best friend and preferred BFs company. I knew that if I stayed with this man I was selling myself short because there is so much more to be had. I never run out of things to say to my friend. I never feel awkward, or like I can't just be myself. I pretty much hang on his every word because I find him fascinating (he's ridiculously smart but unassuming with it) and extremely witty. He's so supportive of me and makes me feel great whenever I'm with him. Given the unanimous verdict that I should proceed, it seems I'd be foolish not to. Thank you all for the advice. Let's hope I don't live to regret it. x

Go for it!!! Honestly you’d be mad not to. Lots of luck. Keep talking, keep communicating if stuff comes up for you both. Sounds like a stroke of luck that he’s decided to tell you how he feels tbh.

You're overthinking it. I wish I had a hot, great-at-sex best male friend who was in love with me! It sounds like he's everything you could want, so just go for it.