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Original poster

OH and lies

80 replies

meatn2vegg · 23/09/2020 11:25

Been with my partner around 5 years now and about 2 and a half years into the relationship I found out that he'd spent the first year of our relationship cheating on me. Not sleeping with her as far as I can tell but definitely dating and kissing etc. He was also messaging several other girls.
I do believe that he stopped of his own accord just before the time we finally said we loved each other. By the time I found out we were serious. We'd got a house together, my kids had grown to know and love him so I made the choice to try and move forward on the basis we got it all out in the open and he told me everything.
We spoke tirelessly about it all at the time. We bought self help books, I said in order to move on I needed to know every detail and for him to answer everything honestly so that I know that even if he was a lying wanker back then that at least I know he's being honest with me now. I made it abundantly clear that I didn't want to carry on the relationship based on a lie so the truth was the only way forward.

He swore he'd only been to X,Y,Z with her. I asked over and over again. He insisted that I had the truth. We've been doing ok. Then last night we had some old bank statements out as we were looking back over some finances and I noticed payments to a certain place around the time of his infidelity. I pushed him and he made up some bullshit but finally admitted it was dates with her to A,B & C so not just the shit he told me when I found out.
I know - he's a cheat, he's going to minimise/ only admit to what he can't get out of but just WHY? Why can't he understand that continuously lying to me is going to lose me?? I've been trying to put it all behind me and move on based on the fact he'd told me everything but now I find out that was all only half truths/ lies.
He keeps saying to me "I thought we were passed this" and "Why do we have to keep dragging it all up?" - I really don't want to keep going over it but I need the truth, how do I get him to see that?!
Am I being crazy insisting on knowing all the details? I just don't see how I can ever trust him again if he's STILL lying to me now but he has the attitude of it doesn't matter what the details were.

I know I should just LTB shouldn't I? Sad

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 23/09/2020 11:30

I found out that he'd spent the first year of our relationship cheating on me. Not sleeping with her as far as I can tell but definitely dating and kissing etc. He was also messaging several other girls

He's a pathological liar and serial cheat. Run as far and as fast as you can.

SecondStageIgnition · 23/09/2020 11:30

Yes. He's an arsehole.

Original poster
meatn2vegg · 23/09/2020 11:32

I think I know that deep down. He's never going to change is he?

OP posts:
workhomesleeprepeat · 23/09/2020 11:32

Yep he will continue to lie. Some people are just like that tbh. Am sorry Op! But you know what you have to do

Original poster
meatn2vegg · 23/09/2020 11:33

Well what a waste of my fucking time he's been 🙄

OP posts:
MrsGrindah · 23/09/2020 11:35

You say you need the truth...why? What will change? He will still be an arsehole. And you will never know if it’s the truth or not. Instead of torturing yourself about what , why , when perhaps focus on working out whether you really want to stay with him.

Purplecatshopaholic · 23/09/2020 11:35

Sorry op, but yes, you have answered your own question.... call it quits now

MrsGrindah · 23/09/2020 11:36

By the way.. he will never give you the complete truth.

LachlanRose · 23/09/2020 11:38

Hi OP,

You have did your work, your reading, you understand why he's minimising.... You even called him "a cheat " in your very first post. I've been cheated in in the first year of a relationship as well and I was fortunate to find out about it at the time so I ended the relationship before wasting any more time. I just think if they can cheat at that stage, they can cheat at any stage.

I'm sorry, life is rotten sometimes.

SecondStageIgnition · 23/09/2020 11:39

@MrsGrindah

By the way.. he will never give you the complete truth.
Such a valuable post @MrsGrindah

It's hard to believe that but it is so true. This has to be accepted by the betrayed partner before they can move on.

Original poster
meatn2vegg · 23/09/2020 11:40

No I know I'll never get the complete truth. I don't even know why I thought I needed it. He's shown me who he is I guess.
I feel a bit numb right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
meatn2vegg · 23/09/2020 11:42

Hi @LachlanRose thanks for your post. I wish I'd found out at the time, it would have been very easy to end it then. He hadn't met my kids or anything then.
Now it just all feels like a big mess

OP posts:
Buggedandconfused · 23/09/2020 11:46

My ex did this. I forgave him& guess what. He’d lied about so much stuff so I contacted the woman. Yup it was much worse than he had said. Cheaters & liars never change. The next thing I know the arsehole was on a sex hook up site and been seeing escorts. Wish I’d dumped him when I first found out he’d double dated me!! He had no respect for women at all. So glad I got ended it, my life was hell with him, anxiety and no trust.

SoulofanAggron · 23/09/2020 11:48

I said in order to move on I needed to know every detail and for him to answer everything honestly so that I know that even if he was a lying wanker back then that at least I know he's being honest with me now.

The problem is, as you've since found, you can never know whether someone's telling you everything.

I know - he's a cheat, he's going to minimise/ only admit to what he can't get out of but just WHY? Why can't he understand that continuously lying to me is going to lose me??

He thinks/knows the truth will mean he risks losing you, that's why he lied all along. I think he has shagged her TBH, as he was seeing her for quite a while. Did he see you for that long without shagging you?

Of course he'll say it doesn't matter, why are you still going on about it etc etc, though to do it when you've just discovered more lies through the bank statements with details he hasn't disclosed is very cheeky!

Definitely separate from him. Flowers And then don't let him win you round again.

Original poster
meatn2vegg · 23/09/2020 11:49

@Buggedandconfused ugh sorry you went through that, how horrid.
Nothing would surprise me now tbh.
I'm going to book myself for an STD test. What a dick.

OP posts:
Original poster
meatn2vegg · 23/09/2020 11:52

@SoulofanAggron thank you. I think you're probably right, I think he's shagged her too. I know he'd never own up to that though.

OP posts:
roarfeckingroarr · 23/09/2020 11:53

Definitely end it OP. He's treated you horribly. He's minimising it now. People like this don't change.

Serendipity79 · 23/09/2020 11:58

Unfortunately most liars will only admit to the bare minimum. I caught my ex out with texts on his work phone to another woman, but it had happened two years prior. Our second baby had just arrived and I had to literally threaten to throw him out in order to make him tell me "the truth". He admitted to a texting relationship with someone at work and I agreed to forgive him based on that being all that had happened. Two years later when he struck up another similar relationship with some one from work, and a lot of other things came to a head in our marriage as well, I did finally throw him out. I then discovered that the first time wasn't a texting friendship at all, he had pursued a woman at work so relentlessly for sex that she'd threatened him with the police, and the "promotion" to another office (all men) that he got during that time was actually the managers attempt to move him away from working with women :(

Nowadays I don't tolerate a single lie from anyone. If people don't value you enough to be honest with you they aren't worth your time x

LachlanRose · 23/09/2020 12:19

Oh yes, they never tell you anything more than you need to know.

For me it went like this....

I noticed he was less available, quite hyper at times as well.... Sometimes quite smug? I knew something was different and asked about it but it was all in my head according to him...

Then he said he was skint because of everything he had been paying out for, I was confused as I knew of no extra expenses. When I asked what they were he said " just bills"... I let it go but it was odd to me. I found out later he spent thousands on her.... ( And she was married as well).

Then I just got so suspicious I wouldn't let it go, I actually ended the relationship because I just knew something was wrong, he contacted me days later and said he had a one night stand that he felt so guilty about ...

And then it turned into someone he saw three times , but slept with once....

And then it turned into a relationship that went on for a few weeks .....

And then it turned out that he was still seeing her after four months!!! On the day he was telling me all this he was seeing her!. (It went from a one night stand to a four month relationship over a couple of conversations, and it was because I have a very good memory and kept asking about things that didn't add up)

And then he asked me for advice on how to stop feeling guilty that she was married. Lol. You couldn't make it up.

When I split with him , I didn't know for a fact he was cheating but I really felt he was... I never got back with him after finding out he did cheat. I was grateful to have the truth, but then I realised truth isn't something I would ever fully have with him. You need to walk away, you deserve so much better.

AryaStarkWolf · 23/09/2020 12:27

I'm not sure a person who is willing to cheat on another person for a whole year could ever be capable of changing

HollowTalk · 23/09/2020 12:30

He cheated on you at what was the happiest time in your relationship. There's no reason to think he's going to change.

Original poster
meatn2vegg · 23/09/2020 12:39

@LachlanRose yes to the smug thing! Looking back there were red flags but I guess I was trying to play it cool and not question him on things. He always had a reasonable reason as to why he was unavailable and he'd not given me any reason (that I knew of!) to not trust him so I brushed everything off as my own insecurities.
I too have a great memory for dates/ times and bullshit which is where his fucktard stories have fallen apart.
Sorry for the language I'm just so utterly pissed off that this creep has wormed his way into mine and my kids life and now I've got to explain to them that he's not going to be around anymore
The most irritating thing is that he puts on the performance of being Mr Nice Guy. My friends/ family/ kids think he's the best thing ever. Uggggh what a pillock.

OP posts:
LachlanRose · 23/09/2020 12:50

I was actually gutted when it happened... It was a 13 month "romantic" relationship in all, but I had known him since I was young, over 20 Years (not really well, just went to school etc) .... I don't know why people do this, but I'm with a man now I trust very much.

You have to move on ....or you might never get to a place where you are in a happy, settled relationship. And the nice man thing he has going, it really is an act. The better it is the worse you feel at the end.

For me though , I eventually started seeing lots of things about the relationship that were wrong and I am actually grateful it ended. I dodged a bullet. I think you have too..... Just keep dodging it.

And he really is a Pillock!

Scweltish · 23/09/2020 12:55

He knows that he’s not going to lose you though, if you were going to break up with him for lying and cheating then you would have done it already. He knows he can do what he likes and you’ll stay with him

billy1966 · 23/09/2020 12:57

OP,

So sorry.
What a mess.
What a nasty piece of shit he is...buying a house with you when he is messing around and there are children involved.

Don't blame yourself, his acts were deliberate and he really is scum.

You deserve so much better.

Make sure you tell everyone exactly who he is.

You will never have a secure relationship with someone so utterly dishonourable.

Move on.Flowers

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