OH and lies

[meatn2vegg]

Been with my partner around 5 years now and about 2 and a half years into the relationship I found out that he'd spent the first year of our relationship cheating on me. Not sleeping with her as far as I can tell but definitely dating and kissing etc. He was also messaging several other girls.
I do believe that he stopped of his own accord just before the time we finally said we loved each other. By the time I found out we were serious. We'd got a house together, my kids had grown to know and love him so I made the choice to try and move forward on the basis we got it all out in the open and he told me everything.
We spoke tirelessly about it all at the time. We bought self help books, I said in order to move on I needed to know every detail and for him to answer everything honestly so that I know that even if he was a lying wanker back then that at least I know he's being honest with me now. I made it abundantly clear that I didn't want to carry on the relationship based on a lie so the truth was the only way forward.

He swore he'd only been to X,Y,Z with her. I asked over and over again. He insisted that I had the truth. We've been doing ok. Then last night we had some old bank statements out as we were looking back over some finances and I noticed payments to a certain place around the time of his infidelity. I pushed him and he made up some bullshit but finally admitted it was dates with her to A,B & C so not just the shit he told me when I found out.
I know - he's a cheat, he's going to minimise/ only admit to what he can't get out of but just WHY? Why can't he understand that continuously lying to me is going to lose me?? I've been trying to put it all behind me and move on based on the fact he'd told me everything but now I find out that was all only half truths/ lies.
He keeps saying to me "I thought we were passed this" and "Why do we have to keep dragging it all up?" - I really don't want to keep going over it but I need the truth, how do I get him to see that?!
Am I being crazy insisting on knowing all the details? I just don't see how I can ever trust him again if he's STILL lying to me now but he has the attitude of it doesn't matter what the details were.

I know I should just LTB shouldn't I?

So sorry OP

Do you really believe that they dated for a year and didn't sleep together? He has tried to get away with telling you what he has to and you wanted to believe that

Now it's up to you to decide whether you can move on or not but it doesn't sound like you can. It's not really about where he went it's her now. You will likely never forgive him and you are perfectly within the right

@jelly79 from what I can tell it wasn't the same person for the whole year. It was one person for about 6-8 weeks and then a string of random meet ups, sexting and chatting with, well, practically anyone 😂
I've just posted an update. It's done, we're over.
Trying to not think about it but it's so hard. He keeps texting me saying how sorry he is. Sorry he got caught more like

Oh god love you! I have just read your update!

Know this, you have just set a great example for your daughter! And this will get better! It will hurt, you will be so angry but you won't be treated like that anymore and he won't break you.

You've got this OP!

@Buggedandconfused wasn't my ex husband was it lol? If it was then he was also on fabguys too....as a lot of men are.

OP I feel for you it's shit but you could never trust a word. I used to think my ex was such a catch. It's been a painful journey, but i am glad I dont have to deal.with his.lies and manipulative behaviour which varied from very petty to ginormous whoppers. I have zero contact except minimum via whatsapp for kids. Glad I dont have to deal with his shit anymore, some other poor sucker, who probably thinks he is fantastic is.

@TheNortherner he was very tall, so if your exH was then it might be the same twat!

@meatn2vegg you’ve done the right thing. I feel keenly for your son, but he will be ok, he’s young and will forget him over time. Just makes it even worse what your (now) ex has done - these men have absolutely no moral compass and don’t care who gets hurt!! They seem to be all cut from the same cloth - just despicable human beings. I don’t know how they sleep.

@Buggedandconfused yes ex is ridiculously tall..how funny would it be if it was the same guy!

@TheNortherner oh god lol. Not with surname beginning with W ?! If so PM me! 😆

@Buggedandconfused haha no...turns out there are two tall twats out there! What a shame.

I hope one day I can laugh about all this and what a lucky escape I've had!
Feeling a little brighter today

You will OP, and you’ll think what a not only stupid, but mentally & emotionally idiot you have escaped. He can have all the sketchy hook up’s he wants now, good luck to the grim bottom feeder!

Oh I’m so sorry OP, but well done for taking control. I’m sure he is genuinely sorry..sorry that his nice little number is up.i know it must break your heart to see your lad so upset but remember this; you are teaching him how to respect women by doing this. And showing your daughter the importance of trust, not letting any man take her for granted etc.

Well done OP.

Well done OP.
Great example to your daughter.

You deserve so much better.

You'll feel better every day OP, you've managed to escape from a turd of a man. Now, focus on yourself and your DC and do some reading to make sure you don't put up with this kind of shit ever again.

Thank you all. You honestly all helped me & gave me the kick up the bum to do it. I came on here before I told anyone IRL! I've told my mum and my best friend what's happened, it felt so much more real saying it all out loud. They were so shocked but have completely agreed that I've done the right thing.
It's just my youngest who keeps asking when he can see him again which is making me sad 😞 but trying to distract him and give him lots of attention

OP,
Unfortunately your DS is making this additionally painful for you.
I can only imagine his upset making things worse.
Your ex behaved really badly.
Do not own that.

IMO....
Tell your son that you are very sad that he is sad, but your ex behaved in a very bad way.....unfortunately some adults do that.....and you are not sure when and if he will see him. That you love him and even though this is very hard, you love him and are there for him.

You need to take time to figure if you want to have contact.

He has behaved so badly.
Don't hesitate to tell him how hurt your son is.

He sounds like such an immature twat.

Perhaps others on here will give you advice on how you go forward with any contact etc.

OP sorry to hear your Sons so very upset but well done you 🌺

@billy1966 thank you for your reply. He has text me and asked if he's able to still maintain contact with the kids. I haven't replied yet as I don't really know the best way forward.
Yes he's behaved terribly, yes he's treat me disgustingly but in all honesty I can't say anything bad about his step-parenting. My kids do see their real dad regularly but I'd say my son is closer to his step dad than his real dad. It's always been him at all his football matches, him taking him out to practise in all weathers - their real dad has a new family and while he commits to EOW and is reliable with that, he never really puts any effort in over and above or makes any one on one time with them, something their step-dad always did.
I'm thinking it's maybe best to just cut all ties. Not because I think he'll worm his way back in or anything - I actually can't even look at him now without feeling the ick but more that I'm sure he'll be back on every app possible within a day or so and don't want to give my son false hope as once he's back out shagging whatever he can o doubt he'll make time to see them

I'm thinking it's maybe best to just cut all ties. Not because I think he'll worm his way back in or anything - I actually can't even look at him now without feeling the ick but more that I'm sure he'll be back on every app possible within a day or so and don't want to give my son false hope as once he's back out shagging whatever he can o doubt he'll make time to see them

100% he doesn’t deserve the pleasure of your lovely DS and it’s not fair on your DS because you KNOW he it’s an if not when he will betray and let him AGAIN.

Keep your family out of punching distance. Don’t expose them to the inevitable hurt. It is also an unsustainable sacrifice for you to endure. No need. Onwards and upwards.

[quote meatn2vegg]@billy1966 thank you for your reply. He has text me and asked if he's able to still maintain contact with the kids. I haven't replied yet as I don't really know the best way forward.
Yes he's behaved terribly, yes he's treat me disgustingly but in all honesty I can't say anything bad about his step-parenting. My kids do see their real dad regularly but I'd say my son is closer to his step dad than his real dad. It's always been him at all his football matches, him taking him out to practise in all weathers - their real dad has a new family and while he commits to EOW and is reliable with that, he never really puts any effort in over and above or makes any one on one time with them, something their step-dad always did.
I'm thinking it's maybe best to just cut all ties. Not because I think he'll worm his way back in or anything - I actually can't even look at him now without feeling the ick but more that I'm sure he'll be back on every app possible within a day or so and don't want to give my son false hope as once he's back out shagging whatever he can o doubt he'll make time to see them
[/quote]
And how long will contact with them last once he meets someone else and they think it's weird OP? You'd be better cutting ties now for your DCs sake. This will inevitably lead to contact ending at some point so now is better than later for all your sakes. X

Unfortunately I think you are probably right.

Is there any way you could ask your son's father to step up a bit and support your son whilst he's feeling so raw.

I this this twat won't stick around for long once he has his next victim in sight.

You are being so strong OP, even though you must be hurting so much.

Thank you all. I just keep saying "I don't know" whenever he asks me but I think I need to sit him down and tell him straight that he probably won't see him again in as gentle a way as possible.
I think you're right he'd keep it up until he had his next victim and then he'd soon get bored so best to just rip the plaster off now so to speak.
I am hurting but also feeling relieved that I've dodged a massive bullet. I mean imagine me finding this out in 5 or 10 years time? All that time wasted on something that was never real.
He continues to text me sorries and excuses. I'm actually getting a slight kick out of reading them but not replying, I think blocking him would indicate to him that somehow he was having an affect on me but tbh the more he tries, the more pathetic he looks and the stronger I feel! Maybe not the best way to handle things but I'm feeling ok at the moment. Been for big walk with the dog and the kids and everyone seems to be feeling happy 😊
I could try speaking to their real dad but tbh, I think he thinks he's father of the year as it is and would probably take offence to me suggesting anything.

You have got your head screwed on and are coping well even though it hurts.

I understand that you are getting a kick out of watching him squirm - BUT this is likely to change and I would have him blocked before he has the opportunity to hurt you (again).

What do you need to wrap things up? Is there stuff to be returned etc?

You get your kick today, you certainly deserve it.
He may well turn nasty though.
You don't know him.
Keep the texts just till you are well clear of him.

However nice he was to your son, he's still a hugely duplicitous man with a whole secret life going on.

Not healthy.
You are your family are well rid.

Remember to speak to friends and get support.

Men like him are only to be laughed at.

Total fxxkwits.

There are a few bits here of his although most of the house stuff is mine as I'd rented on my own prior to meeting him where as he had nothing. The only thing we've bought together is the TV and bed but he isn't having either of those, he can whistle 😂
I'm tempted to just bag it all up and leave it on his mums driveway