OH and lies

[meatn2vegg]

Been with my partner around 5 years now and about 2 and a half years into the relationship I found out that he'd spent the first year of our relationship cheating on me. Not sleeping with her as far as I can tell but definitely dating and kissing etc. He was also messaging several other girls.
I do believe that he stopped of his own accord just before the time we finally said we loved each other. By the time I found out we were serious. We'd got a house together, my kids had grown to know and love him so I made the choice to try and move forward on the basis we got it all out in the open and he told me everything.
We spoke tirelessly about it all at the time. We bought self help books, I said in order to move on I needed to know every detail and for him to answer everything honestly so that I know that even if he was a lying wanker back then that at least I know he's being honest with me now. I made it abundantly clear that I didn't want to carry on the relationship based on a lie so the truth was the only way forward.

He swore he'd only been to X,Y,Z with her. I asked over and over again. He insisted that I had the truth. We've been doing ok. Then last night we had some old bank statements out as we were looking back over some finances and I noticed payments to a certain place around the time of his infidelity. I pushed him and he made up some bullshit but finally admitted it was dates with her to A,B & C so not just the shit he told me when I found out.
I know - he's a cheat, he's going to minimise/ only admit to what he can't get out of but just WHY? Why can't he understand that continuously lying to me is going to lose me?? I've been trying to put it all behind me and move on based on the fact he'd told me everything but now I find out that was all only half truths/ lies.
He keeps saying to me "I thought we were passed this" and "Why do we have to keep dragging it all up?" - I really don't want to keep going over it but I need the truth, how do I get him to see that?!
Am I being crazy insisting on knowing all the details? I just don't see how I can ever trust him again if he's STILL lying to me now but he has the attitude of it doesn't matter what the details were.

I know I should just LTB shouldn't I?

You can't turn the clock back. What you can say "here, but no further".

Now you know you can start to move forward.

He is not only a cheat but he used your joint money for cheating !

Yes you do need to LTB!

My ex did exactly the same thing to me. He only admitted to what I could prove, i decided to give it another go as we had young dc, I was told it wasn't physical etc. 3 years later, completely by accident I found proof he had slept with her. I was devastated, not only had he lied and had sex with her, but he'd spent the last 3 years continuing to lie, we talked and talked about it, I asked and begged him to tell me, but no!

I left after that. I realised just how selfish he was, he'd not given me the opportunity to make my decision based on the truth, it was all about his wants. He didn't respect me. I'd lost all trust and respect, there was no going back for me

Thanks all. It's sad to hear that so many of you have been through the same.
I suppose whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger eh?

I am definitely done with men. Don't think I've ever had a decent one.

WHY?

Because. he. is. not. a. genuine. or. nice. person.

It is as simple as that.

That's why you need to leave.

That's why it's usually not worth the risk to stay with a cheat - they might just have been a poor confused person goin gthrough a bad time who did a bad thing and would never do it again blah... but it's so, so more likely that they are just a bad. dishonest. person.

There are loads of them about!

WHY is kind of irrelevant. Why do people drop litter/steal bikes/troll on the internet/beat their kids/cheat on their partners/etc etc?

Some people just do because they aren't very nice and/or completely out for themselves to the extent that they are ok with fucking people over.

He lied because his aim wasn't to be honest with you, it was to retain the relationship and all its benefits. You didn't really matter to him - he mattered.

I really hope you LTB as the alternative is to know the above, in your heart, and live with it. Just no. It's soul destroying.

Kick him out.

He’s not going to change.

Don’t get sucked into the sunk costs fallacy, don’t view your time as wasted. You’ve learnt and can move on without him.

OP I'm so sorry you've been through this. Most of us have been through something similar at some point. You know what you have to do xxx

There are decent ones out there, don't give up, just believe someone when they show you who they are and walk away if needed xx

@Trixie18

There are decent ones out there, don't give up, just believe someone when they show you who they are and walk away if needed xx

Totally.

I was married to a narcissist turd for 10 years.

I’m now married to the kindest, most generous man I’ve ever met. He makes me thankful I didn’t turn into a nun as I’d have missed out on a wonderful life with him.

*Trixie18
There are decent ones out there, don't give up, just believe someone when they show you who they are and walk away if needed xx
Totally.

I was married to a narcissist turd for 10 years.

I’m now married to the kindest, most generous man I’ve ever met. He makes me thankful I didn’t turn into a nun as I’d have missed out on a wonderful life with him.*

I know. I'm sure there are many decent men out there but I just cannot be arsed with any of them after this. Perhaps my feelings may change over time but for now and the foreseeable it's just me, my kids and the dog - he's the most loyal man in my life right now 😂

Don’t think you’ll ever find a man as loyal as a good dog
I wouldn’t let this put you off. At least you’ve got rid of him and you know you’re worth more. There really are some good guys out there.

Don't know if anyone's still reading this but I feel like total shit today
Went through everything from that time last night and found a hotel booking, multiple visits to cities for lunches/ days out etc with her. Another hotel booking to go meet someone else over 3 hours away.... I mean how desperate was he?! We had a really good sex life, why go chasing after it half way up the country like a desperate little dog??! I feel so sick that I've built a life with this man and it was all based on lies.
I'm going to tell the kids later, I just know it's going to break my youngests heart 😞

How do you tell a 7 year old the guy he looks up to is a total shit head?

For all his twattishness, the one thing he has been is a fantastic step dad to my kids (other than treating their mum like shit I know)

I'm so so sad I have to break this to them, absolutely dreading it.

What a vile wanker! What kind of man starts a relationship and lies and cheats for a year? Should be the nicest and most exciting time in a relationship.

You don't need to go into details with your kids. Just say that sometimes relationships don't work out or something.

Thank you for your reply. Spent most of the day crying but got my game face on for picking the kids up from school now.
Here goes!

I'm so sorry. It will get easier but it's horrible that you have to go through this. But I bet you any money that you're the one your seven year old looks up to more than anyone else. Surround him with people that are worthy of him. That prick is in the rear view mirror.

I hope it goes okay.

Why can't he understand that continuously lying to me is going to lose me??

Because that’s not what has happened time and time and time again.

I am so sorry that you have been lied to and cheated on.

LTB. What an arse. I hope his knob rots off very slowly. .

Go get yourself tested to make sure he's not given you any nasties, get your friends over for a chinwag (socially distanced of course!) and move on.

He will read you The Script, The Script 2, The New Script and every other sodding version of a sequel he can because 'he is so sorry and didn't mean it' etc etc yawn. Jog on mate.

Dump him. Move on. Live life.

Went through everything from that time last night and found a hotel booking, multiple visits to cities for lunches/ days out etc with her. Another hotel booking to go meet someone else over 3 hours away.... I mean how desperate was he?! We had a really good sex life, why go chasing after it half way up the country like a desperate little dog??!

@meatn2vegg Wow. So sorry you discovered all that. Some men are just sleazy and obsessed with sex. They can't get enough, from multiple sources, as many as they can get.

Went through everything from that time last night and found a hotel booking, multiple visits to cities for lunches/ days out etc with her. Another hotel booking to go meet someone else over 3 hours away.... I mean how desperate was he?! We had a really good sex life, why go chasing after it half way up the country like a desperate little dog?

Thirsty as fuck, and about as useful & tasteful as a bag of rotting trash.

You'd be off your trolley to give this waste another chance.

Bin.

Oh you poor woman.
That is just so awful.

Devastating now.
No getting away from it.

Unfortunately it is who he is.
I am so sorry for your pain.

These men are disgusting and have major issues. I found out that my ex had cheated on every woman he’d ever been with since his marriage ended (and he cheated on his wife). He was on Fab Swingers and whilst pretending to be a decent enough boyfriend he was shagging loads of women on the side, along with escorts. I was too clever for him & discovered everything. God knows how many he shagged when he was with me. Our sex life was fantastic too! I feel now it’s just about control and manipulation for some of these guys. Of us and the other women. It’s so fucked up.

He's gone. My eldest (11yo girl) took it ok. She's quite emotionally intelligent and she seemed to understand that how he'd treated me wasn't ok and that's why we can't be together anymore. Didn't go into too much detail but basically said he'd told me lots of lies and it had made me really sad which isn't what a partner should do.
My youngest (7yo boy) is absolutely distraught. They were super close, they football train together nearly every day and he's gone to bed sobbing his heart out about not being able to do that with him this weekend.
Luckily we only rent and I can afford the place on my own so there's no issues there. I'd packed him a bag (well, stuffed some of his shit into a carrier bag) and threw it at his feet when he came back from work tonight.
Found more shit today. He's on all sorts of 3some/ swinging apps. I managed to guess his login details to a couple and he seems to have a fetish for trans and couples which I was completely in the dark about. Loads of matches and likes although nothing recent. Not that it really matters I guess I just wanted to torture myself.
It can only get easier from here right?

You'd have to trust him in order for him 'telling you the truth' to feel like him actually telling the truth. But you don't trust him, so you'll doubt everything he says, even if he's being honest.

That's because your instincts are trying to tell you something. Listen to them.

Yes it can, and it well.

Well done for kicking him out, you KNOW you deserve better and your children deserve a better example of what a relationship should be. I’m sorry your son is sad, it will take time but you’ll all be ok