OH and lies

[meatn2vegg]

Been with my partner around 5 years now and about 2 and a half years into the relationship I found out that he'd spent the first year of our relationship cheating on me. Not sleeping with her as far as I can tell but definitely dating and kissing etc. He was also messaging several other girls.
I do believe that he stopped of his own accord just before the time we finally said we loved each other. By the time I found out we were serious. We'd got a house together, my kids had grown to know and love him so I made the choice to try and move forward on the basis we got it all out in the open and he told me everything.
We spoke tirelessly about it all at the time. We bought self help books, I said in order to move on I needed to know every detail and for him to answer everything honestly so that I know that even if he was a lying wanker back then that at least I know he's being honest with me now. I made it abundantly clear that I didn't want to carry on the relationship based on a lie so the truth was the only way forward.

He swore he'd only been to X,Y,Z with her. I asked over and over again. He insisted that I had the truth. We've been doing ok. Then last night we had some old bank statements out as we were looking back over some finances and I noticed payments to a certain place around the time of his infidelity. I pushed him and he made up some bullshit but finally admitted it was dates with her to A,B & C so not just the shit he told me when I found out.
I know - he's a cheat, he's going to minimise/ only admit to what he can't get out of but just WHY? Why can't he understand that continuously lying to me is going to lose me?? I've been trying to put it all behind me and move on based on the fact he'd told me everything but now I find out that was all only half truths/ lies.
He keeps saying to me "I thought we were passed this" and "Why do we have to keep dragging it all up?" - I really don't want to keep going over it but I need the truth, how do I get him to see that?!
Am I being crazy insisting on knowing all the details? I just don't see how I can ever trust him again if he's STILL lying to me now but he has the attitude of it doesn't matter what the details were.

I know I should just LTB shouldn't I?

Do that. I wouldn't want him coming to the house and upsetting you little boy.
Whistle is right for the bed/tv

Yes do that - your DS doesn’t need to see him. I would tell him to keep away from your DCs - do they have phones? Does he have their number? If so I would block his number on their phones.

Classic response needed here.

He's showed you who he is - believe him.

Why all the 'hope' and 'wishing' and 'second chances' in the face of the evidence? You need to address this. You mat not realise this but it might be about control - you really feel you can control this/him. You can't.

Grow up and let go. Move on, and next time accept the facts from the outset, stop thinking you're different, it's different with you, you understand him. etc etc. It's usually as plain as day. You won't make the slightest bit of difference how ever hard you try, and however much you want it to be different.

He's a shit and you are going to get torched if you can't recognise how your own delusions are driving things.

I'm 59 and have loads of relationships. one key thing (amongst many!) I wished I'd learned when younger? The art of walking away and knowing I would not only be fine, I'd get stronger.

Thanks @rosabug but I think you missed my updates since the original post. He's gone, I know I'd been stupid to believe his excuses in the past but I've done what was needed now

If I’m honest I doubt him and the OW he was seeing was just kissing, also he’s such a liar! Of course he’s minimised this, sorry to be blunt OP but they definitely had sex and had dates etc. You’ve chosen to forgive him knowing he’s cheated and I think deep down you know what that entails. He’s such a bastard, he’s a lying cheating toad and the only way you’ll ever forget about any of this is by leaving him!