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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I don't understand my relationship, he doesn't contriute!

86 replies

AprilMae123 · 22/09/2020 14:09

So this might not be the most direct post but a realisation about my relationship has left me seething and I wondered if anyone has a clue what's going on here or has experienced anything similar.

I've (29F) realised with that after 3 years my bf hasn't contributed anything, he's made no commitment and put basically no effort in to our relationship or building a future. He only moved in with me 6 months ago after me asking him well over a year ago. He moved in to the tiny house which I bought soon after we met and managed to furnish bit by bit, he pays half the bills to me (sometimes late). He's taken over the second bedroom as his office and it's a tip full of boxes because he doesn't have enough storage but he ignored my suggestion to buy new furniture. I don't go in there as it used to be my lovely dressing room and now it's just a mess. The whole house is, there's just not enough space in my small house now two adults are working from home. We were supposed to be ttc now following a conversation 2 years ago. But I've not yet felt secure enough as I've had no proposal or other verification of commitment plus the house is too small. I've brought up us buying a (bigger) house together and showed him mortgage calculations on what we can afford but he won't engage with the conversation.

Final straw: The hoover is broken so I mentioned to him that we need a new one and should go shopping. His response 'you shouldn't get another cordless they aren't as powerful'. That 'you' has left me fuming, does he think I'm responsible for providing our lifestyle and he is doing me a favour by just being here? I felt like telling him he could buy a hoover as I've paid for everything else in the home and I'm not his mother but didn't want an argument. At this point I feel like he's taking the p**s. My family joke and call him my 'lodger' and right now I genuinely feel like that's what he is.

OP posts:
Dollyrocket · 22/09/2020 14:12

His actions tell you everything you need to know OP.

Shape up or ship out time!

Don’t have kids with him!

MikeUniformMike · 22/09/2020 14:16

Cheap lodgings for him, with the added bonus of sex. There's a word for it.

AprilMae123 · 22/09/2020 14:17

@Dollyrocket I won't, a house and proposal are musts for me before having a baby. I just don't understand his attitude, he thinks our situation is FINE Confused

OP posts:
PinkMonkeyBird · 22/09/2020 14:18

Yes, you've got yourself a cocklodger right there. Your family are correct. Whatever you do...do NOT start TTC with this person.

You have 2 choices:

  1. sit him down and explain in a calm way that you need to divide up finances equally and he needs to step up. Open an account whereby you both pay equally into it for bills and another shared account for savings. You will gauge from his reaction whether he is up for this or not. If he starts challenging it or giving excuses, then you know where you are.

  2. Kick him out and reclaim your house and dressing room. Find a person who is not a cocklodging freeloader.

rorosemary · 22/09/2020 14:18

Oh just dump him. This relationship has no future. His actions speak louder than words: he sees you as an easy meal/sex/house ticket, not as an equal partner.

Honeyroar · 22/09/2020 14:20

He hasn’t changed in three years- he’s unlikely to change in the future. Imagine how much better your life would be with someone who was an actual partner, who met you half way, helped you, contributed? You could have all that in the future, but you need to get rid of the deadwood first..

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 22/09/2020 14:20

Don't be a fool. Bin him. He's a cocklodger. You're just a meal ticket with sex added in.

letsmakethishappen · 22/09/2020 14:27

Yes he’s indeed a cocklodger your family are right

Bunnymumy · 22/09/2020 14:31

The fact is you shouldnt have to have a discussion with someone about how not to be a mooching bastard. People respect you or they don't. It's not something you can teach them to do.

AprilMae123 · 22/09/2020 14:41

@Bibbymumy totally, I've felt like this for ages too I like to tell him stories about how friends partners bought them cars or paid a whole house deposit to try and get across that other men contribute 50/50 at least. I feel like he's got no sense of pride it's bloody ridiculous.

OP posts:
JudyGemstone · 22/09/2020 14:42

My boyfriend moved into my house 4/5 years ago. I only charge him half the bills as I don't want him contributing towards my mortgage and having any stake in my property. So I don't think this is that bad on its own.

He does do all the cooking and most of the cleaning though. And he bought a new hoover the other week when it broke!

It doesn't sound as though you're on the same page at all in terms of shared values and future. Did he move straight from his mums into yours?

AprilMae123 · 22/09/2020 14:48

@judgemstone if mine went out and bought a hoover it would be a miracle, he has the cheek to complain about things I'VE PAID FOR not working properly and expects me to replace them. I spent out £ to fix the bathroom last month. I agree on the mortgage as I don't think it's fair when it's in my name but that's why I want us to buy together. He did move from his Mums to mine, he lived with her at 38yo! He previously owned his own home but sold it when he split from his ex and never bought another.

OP posts:
AprilMae123 · 22/09/2020 14:49

@judygemstone if mine went out and bought a hoover it would be a miracle, he has the cheek to complain about things I'VE PAID FOR not working properly and expects me to replace them. I spent out £ to fix the bathroom last month. I agree on the mortgage as I don't think it's fair when it's in my name but that's why I want us to buy together. He did move from his Mums to mine, he lived with her at 38yo! He previously owned his own home but sold it when he split from his ex and never bought another.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 22/09/2020 14:51

" cocklodger wiping his feet on doormat"

Does that help explain your relationship?

AprilMae123 · 22/09/2020 14:54

@Honeyroar honestly I've come to think that partnership isn't out there for me. My ex fiancé cheated and left me (married the mistress) and now I end up 3 years into a relationship with someone who doesn't seem to think I'm worth the price of a hoover [Angry]

OP posts:
NewlyGranny · 22/09/2020 15:00

I'm glad he came straight from his mum's: it will be easy for him to take his clutter and go straight back there!

AprilMae123 · 22/09/2020 15:01

@newlygranny well he still has a bedroom there

OP posts:
JudyGemstone · 22/09/2020 15:08

I knew he'd have moved from his mums. He thinks you're his new mummy now 😬

Buying a house with him would be a huge mistake, he won't change his lazy entitled ways and you'll find it much harder to get rid of him.

He'll make a lazy shit dad and husband too.

JudyGemstone · 22/09/2020 15:08

It's honestly not you love, it's him.

username105 · 22/09/2020 15:19

OP why have you put up with this for three years! Did you move him in on your back because he couldn't be bothered to walk? It's like you're moving a mannequin around just to show you have someone. I'd tell him to go back to his mum.

DishingOutDone · 22/09/2020 15:23

Its sad but good that you have realised now you are only 29, I wish I'd "realised" at 29, now I am 58 and still have mine in situ. He came straight from his mum's too Sad

AprilMae123 · 22/09/2020 15:44

@username105 he's always had a reasonable explanation as to why now wasn't a good time for x and not wanting to do anything 'too soon'. Last Christmas he found me secretly crying and I had to confess it was because I found out my ex had gotten married and had a baby- I wasn't crying over my ex but over my own relationship going nowhere. My bf was angry at me for ruining Christmas!

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 22/09/2020 15:47

Move him out op. Dont bother dropping hints about other people’s boyfriends who care about them. Don’t let being with him ruin another Christmas.

LilyLongJohn · 22/09/2020 16:07

Oh I understand his attitude just fine...

He gets to live rent free and not with his Mum, gets sexually in tap and doesn't have to contribute towards anything.

Life if reily springs to mind.

Get your life and your dressing room op, he doesn't respect you or your house

VettiyaIruken · 22/09/2020 16:10

Well of course he thinks everything is fine. He's got the life of Riley and sod how you feel about it.

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