I don't understand my relationship, he doesn't contriute!

[AprilMae123]

So this might not be the most direct post but a realisation about my relationship has left me seething and I wondered if anyone has a clue what's going on here or has experienced anything similar.

I've (29F) realised with that after 3 years my bf hasn't contributed anything, he's made no commitment and put basically no effort in to our relationship or building a future. He only moved in with me 6 months ago after me asking him well over a year ago. He moved in to the tiny house which I bought soon after we met and managed to furnish bit by bit, he pays half the bills to me (sometimes late). He's taken over the second bedroom as his office and it's a tip full of boxes because he doesn't have enough storage but he ignored my suggestion to buy new furniture. I don't go in there as it used to be my lovely dressing room and now it's just a mess. The whole house is, there's just not enough space in my small house now two adults are working from home. We were supposed to be ttc now following a conversation 2 years ago. But I've not yet felt secure enough as I've had no proposal or other verification of commitment plus the house is too small. I've brought up us buying a (bigger) house together and showed him mortgage calculations on what we can afford but he won't engage with the conversation.

Final straw: The hoover is broken so I mentioned to him that we need a new one and should go shopping. His response 'you shouldn't get another cordless they aren't as powerful'. That 'you' has left me fuming, does he think I'm responsible for providing our lifestyle and he is doing me a favour by just being here? I felt like telling him he could buy a hoover as I've paid for everything else in the home and I'm not his mother but didn't want an argument. At this point I feel like he's taking the p**s. My family joke and call him my 'lodger' and right now I genuinely feel like that's what he is.

Come on OP, he clearly isn’t on the same page as you. The question isn’t why is he like this but rather, why are you wasting your time.

There isn’t a better version of him waiting around the corner. Let him go.

He's 38 and still acting like this? Fuck that. Kick him out, it won't take much.

Then, move on.

I had an ex who lived with his mum. I was 17, he was 24. We split up for one reason and another. Fast forward 5 years. Bumped into each other. He was almost 30 and he was still living with his bloody mother! He had a full time job! As a copper! No excuses.

A*prilMae123

Please Do not TTC even if he proposes !!* A proposal means NOTHING ! It's just words.

The legal contract is marriage.

There is a reason for the old fashioned 'child out of wedlock' in the last 1000 years... it's because YOU will have no rights.

But this is a general warning. This specific boyfriend is a genuine cocklodger .. imagine what he would be like with a kid. ? Marriage or no marriage. You will still be doing everything.!!

Cocklodger.

Find someone your age who shares your hopes and dreams.

Don't waste your life on this waster.

Why should he get to live rent free?

he's a cocklodger alright 🌺

Of course he thinks it's fine because you're putting up with it.

So he's living rent free with minimal bills and never has to buy anything for the house he lives in? What the fuck is he doing with all of his money? Who even does this?

No. It's completely bizarre. You may not be batting an eyelid but to me this is shocking. You are only 29. Move him out or get him to pay rent and bills (but he's not a long term proposition) and use the money you save on working out why you have such a low bar.

Thank god he's such a commitment phobe - it would be a massive nightmare to get financially entangled with him.

Oh and he does half the housework. Starting this second. God what a loser.

it's so unattractive 🌺

You deserve so much better!!

Ditch him and make room for an equal in your life

@BlueThistles

it's so unattractive 🌺

I was thinking this too! I literally could not shag someone like this. It's just a massive ick. 🤮

The dressing room thing would have been too much for me. You pay for the house - how has he got a room to himself?

Oh OP. He is not going to change. It will only get worse and not better. He wants a mum not a partner.

OP,

He couldn't be using you and your home more clearly.

You are spending years on someone who is using you as a mere housing convenience.

Your ONLY bit of luck is that you haven't had a child with him.

This is your life.
It's a desperately sad life being used by a man as a convenience.

It will stay like this and only get worse until you decide you actually deserve a LOT more.

Any man is NOT better than NO man.

Unfortunately it really does read as if this is the case.

You have no room or space in your life for a good man who loves you, because you have ANY man living in your house and using you.

Wishing you the blessing of realising that your deserve better than this waster.

he thinks our situation is FINE

From his perspective it's not just fine it's PERFECT I should say. This man has no long term commitment to this relationship. It's convenient, for the moment, but that's it. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

'does he think I'm responsible for providing our lifestyle and he is doing me a favour by just being here?"
Yes. Yes, he does think that.

This isn't going to get ANY better. Time to pack him off back to his mummy and reclaim your home from his boxes.

My boyfriend is a selfish manchild, I'm planning on finishing with him once he goes back to mummy's sometime this week (LDR). I've had enough of it now and it sounds like you have too, get rid before he drives you insane OP. My father is exactly like this and my mother has a lot of MH issues because of it but she was never strong enough to leave him sadly. You do not want to end up this way. for you.

You've got yourself a cocklodger / man child. He's got it so good, of course he doesn't want a bigger house / child. More responsibility. He wants to keep on only thinking about himself and for someone else to worry about the drudge. You've got to decide whether this is enough for the rest of your life.

So he's a good 10 years older than you and still hasn't grown up.

The sex must be amazing because I can't think what else you're getting out of the relationship.

You aren't even 30,you have plenty of time to meet a fellow grown up

Dont spend another Christmas crying over this relationship that is going nowhere......Give yourself the best present of all -independence and a lovely dressing room
Honestly as someone has said you are only 29 ......be glad you've realised now... you are still young... myself and most of my peers didnt start settling down til 29-35 too busy working/partying/ fucked over by cheating gits prior to that (2 of my friends had exactly your experience )

met dh at 30 kids at 34 .....bff met her 2nd dh at my hen and married at 35 dc at 36 ....not saying you have all teh tome in the world but certainly not the end of teh lone

He isn’t a life partner.

Some clues - your own deadbeat dad and previous toxic RS tell me that your self worth has been set v low due to your childhood.

Therefor you tolerate v low standards because you were not cherished and valued by the most important man in your life. This neglect has set your pattern in the same way that his overbearing mother has set his.

Start looking at your own emotional growth - to fill that void that the deadbeat dad left - because that wound will trip you up and lead you into more unequal, unsatisfying, and dysfunctional RS even if you finish with this guy.

Anyone deserves more than this. This is not kind and respectful. Don’t waste a minute more of your precious finite years on this one. He is not your happy ever after - he will not fix your early childhood wound and provide the dream of home, marriage, baby, happy family.

But if you take some time out to fix yourself you will attract and only accept a genuinely emotionally healthy, positive, motivated and equal partner who will be a wonderful father.

This guy will be a deadbeat dad to your DC, just like he is a deadbeat BF.

Well done to you for being independent with your own home in your 20s - meet someone of equal worth, racing to build a life with you - not some loser in his 40s with nothing dragging his heels.

And his creepy Mum pushing him to TTC and buy a house with you YUCK.

You are a star who has been let down early in life. Fix that bit through therapy, emotional self development and all will be good.

Leave now and in a few years time when you are in your bigger house you will look over to see a great guy pegging out the washing / changing a nappy / bringing you cup of tea etc and know that it Sept 2020 you chose a path that made this happy family happen.

Op, what sssloou said!

Fucking hell. He's 38 and he's clearly a cockloger/hobosexual.

I've had one of these before and wished I'd realized earlier that he had no intention whatsover of progressing the relationship. No intention of buying a larger property together. We were engaged and set a wedding date which I called off - later he claimed he had no recollection of ever being engaged and having a wedding date...

I also had that "you" should buy a xyz from a previous hobosexual I lived with. It's a sign they are not invested in the relationship in anyway at all and are simply using you to have somewhere cheap and convenient to live rather than at their parents'.

Kick him out. It's going nowhere. He's 38 and is never going to change. You obviously want children. Do not have them with him. Find somebody decent who is genuinely keen on building a family life with you.