I don't understand my relationship, he doesn't contriute!

[AprilMae123]

So this might not be the most direct post but a realisation about my relationship has left me seething and I wondered if anyone has a clue what's going on here or has experienced anything similar.

I've (29F) realised with that after 3 years my bf hasn't contributed anything, he's made no commitment and put basically no effort in to our relationship or building a future. He only moved in with me 6 months ago after me asking him well over a year ago. He moved in to the tiny house which I bought soon after we met and managed to furnish bit by bit, he pays half the bills to me (sometimes late). He's taken over the second bedroom as his office and it's a tip full of boxes because he doesn't have enough storage but he ignored my suggestion to buy new furniture. I don't go in there as it used to be my lovely dressing room and now it's just a mess. The whole house is, there's just not enough space in my small house now two adults are working from home. We were supposed to be ttc now following a conversation 2 years ago. But I've not yet felt secure enough as I've had no proposal or other verification of commitment plus the house is too small. I've brought up us buying a (bigger) house together and showed him mortgage calculations on what we can afford but he won't engage with the conversation.

Final straw: The hoover is broken so I mentioned to him that we need a new one and should go shopping. His response 'you shouldn't get another cordless they aren't as powerful'. That 'you' has left me fuming, does he think I'm responsible for providing our lifestyle and he is doing me a favour by just being here? I felt like telling him he could buy a hoover as I've paid for everything else in the home and I'm not his mother but didn't want an argument. At this point I feel like he's taking the p**s. My family joke and call him my 'lodger' and right now I genuinely feel like that's what he is.

Bin him, he'll never change 🤷‍♀️

But you asked him to move in with you ?.

He doesn't want a girlfriend, he wants a mummy. Of course he thinks it's fine, he's got all he. There are much better men out there. Please don't waste your youth (or money) on him as he'll never change

I would see this as a learning curve, you realise now what you want from a relationship and he is never going to provide it. That means from the start of any new relationship you know what you are looking for, what you will and will not accept. I had this when I met Dh. I had been messed around by boyfriends so told him straight I was looking for a serious relationship, I wanted marriage and children in the future. He didn't bolt for the door

a house and proposal are musts for me a proposal is not enough, if you want marriage then you get married first before the baby. I have seen far too many men stick a ring on one of my friend's fingers and then no marriage.

He can move back to his Mum's. It is easy. Then you will get your lovely dressing room back.

Men who have been (inadvertently) ruined by their mothers. So many of them. They don't have to 'try' or 'give' or 'contribute' or 'consider' or 'empathise' or 'understand' or 'listen' because it was simply not they way they were raised. Mum was always there, however they behaved - expecting nothing for herself. The dynamic is powerful. They don't have to change and they won't - why? because there's a million women willing to fall into this role.

I would advise that you stop trying to communicate with him about this. He's not listening. You'll go round and round. He has done the maternal imprint on you, only he doesn't love you no where near as much. Just get out and choose better next time around.

He'll meet someone else pronto, likely anyone will pretty much do. Pity them. Honestly.

a proposal is not enough, if you want marriage then you get married first before the baby. I have seen far too many men stick a ring on one of my friend's fingers and then no marriage.

This is good advice. A proposal is not marriage. If being married is important to you, then being engaged is not enough.

A proposal is not marriage. If being married is important to you, then being engaged is not enough.

Do you even love this man? Do you feel like he loves you? What do you get out of the relationship?

The priority should be happiness and love, not rings or babies.
Doesn’t sound like he brings much to your life.

[quote AprilMae123]@username105 he's always had a reasonable explanation as to why now wasn't a good time for x and not wanting to do anything 'too soon'. Last Christmas he found me secretly crying and I had to confess it was because I found out my ex had gotten married and had a baby- I wasn't crying over my ex but over my own relationship going nowhere. My bf was angry at me for ruining Christmas![/quote]
And yet here you are with another Christmas around the corner, and you’re still in the exact same situation. How many years are you going to give to this waste of space?

Come ON, this is fucking ridiculous. Why are you continuing to waste your time on this loser? At your age you should know better. This is your home and you can make him leave immediately. I really hope you do. Stop hoping for change that will never, ever come. He can fuck off to mummy's house.

@rosabug I agree with your perspective. Last time I spent the afternoon with his Mum she was trying to make plans with me for him and I moving house and having a baby- as if he were a child or a puppet we pass around. I was very confused

He did move from his Mums to mine, he lived with her at 38yo

Oh OP smh, that was a huge red flag right there. Too stingy and selfish to live like a proper adult so instead lives with mummy.

Let me make one thing albsolutely clear to you...

Having a child with this man will be the BIGGEST MISTAKE of your life. I lived with one of these (he also fathered my DC). He was like this while I lived with him, and was still like it after I binned him off.
Would you like to have a wild stab at how much maintenance I've received in 9 years??? For the love of God find a decent man, and let him father your children.

You've been warned!

[quote AprilMae123]@rosabug I agree with your perspective. Last time I spent the afternoon with his Mum she was trying to make plans with me for him and I moving house and having a baby- as if he were a child or a puppet we pass around. I was very confused [/quote]
Don't be confused. It's as plain as day. And after 10 years of doing mostly everything for the man-child he'll probably 'wander' into an affair or disappear into an expensive time consuming hobby - probably when you need him around to help with the kids - but hey, his mum will be there to help you!

Put yourself first and direct YOUR life. Before it's too late. Or just accept it and stop complaining. Big life hack here from a 60 year old: Endless complaining and ruminating actually solves very little, it's a temporary pressure release, which helps keeps you STUCK.

Ask yourself - What is it that you feel? and actually feel it. Act on that. That's all you need to know. It's the only indicator that is REAL. Never listen to what they say - that's just words. Wish I'd done that 10 years into my 23 years relationship.

Do not have a child with this manchild! What was your relationship with your father like? It seems you do not value yourself very highly.

@Geppili I had/ have a deadbeat Dad

Sometimes partners can struggle to see from the other side unless it is literally spelled out to them. I would suggest going out for a meal and stating what you want making it clear these are not pipe dreams these are actual plans with vague timings Eg. Married in two years house together in 3 coupled with baby. And set down ground rules re. Finances now as that needs to be nipped in the bud, tell him you want a standing order set up to your (or a joint) account for half of expenses (plus a bit if you’ve paid off your mortgage).

So basically you’re his mum who he fucks sometimes. grim.

You know what you need to do OP, kick this fucker out of YOUR house.

Swap him for an actual lodger. Then at least you'll hopefully get rent on time and some decent company.

[quote AprilMae123]@newlygranny well he still has a bedroom there[/quote]
Send the little boy home to mummy. Grown ups don’t behave this way in relationships

If you marry him he can also steak a claim to your home. He won't have the desire to buy OP because he is happy to just cocklodge off whoever gives him the less grief.

I would never regret my DC no matter who the father is, and thankfully I never married him but trust me when I tell you the last thing you want is to be chained to a limp prick like this via a child for the rest of your days.

Why are you accepting this? This man won’t ever change, cut your losses now and save yourself even more resentment and heartache in the future. I bet you he will change his tune about marriage and ttc once he realised what a good deal he is going to lose.

Oh just dump him. This relationship has no future. His actions speak louder than words: he sees you as an easy meal/sex/house ticket, not as an equal partner.

This. You're still so young! If you want kids and marriage then don't waste another minute with someone who isn't excited at the prospect of those things too. Dragging someone kicking and screaming down the altar or into fatherhood is like pushing water uphill.

You deserve a better life than this OP! Get him gone and sign up for donor insemination instead rather than have a baby with this guy dragging you down.

Living with his mum at 38 was a bit of a giveaway.

He's very unlikely to change his ways at this age. Give him the boot.

Oh op! You obviously want somone to just have a nice life with perhap a family too. He's not the one. You said your ex cheated so you feel like you have wasted your time with this one. But you aren't going to progress along path to happiness by hanging on to him. He's shown you who he is. Make your decisions based on this.

He's got his mummy to go back to so it's not even like the split would be a logistical and financial nightmare in the way it can be.