I don't understand my relationship, he doesn't contriute!

[AprilMae123]

So this might not be the most direct post but a realisation about my relationship has left me seething and I wondered if anyone has a clue what's going on here or has experienced anything similar.

I've (29F) realised with that after 3 years my bf hasn't contributed anything, he's made no commitment and put basically no effort in to our relationship or building a future. He only moved in with me 6 months ago after me asking him well over a year ago. He moved in to the tiny house which I bought soon after we met and managed to furnish bit by bit, he pays half the bills to me (sometimes late). He's taken over the second bedroom as his office and it's a tip full of boxes because he doesn't have enough storage but he ignored my suggestion to buy new furniture. I don't go in there as it used to be my lovely dressing room and now it's just a mess. The whole house is, there's just not enough space in my small house now two adults are working from home. We were supposed to be ttc now following a conversation 2 years ago. But I've not yet felt secure enough as I've had no proposal or other verification of commitment plus the house is too small. I've brought up us buying a (bigger) house together and showed him mortgage calculations on what we can afford but he won't engage with the conversation.

Final straw: The hoover is broken so I mentioned to him that we need a new one and should go shopping. His response 'you shouldn't get another cordless they aren't as powerful'. That 'you' has left me fuming, does he think I'm responsible for providing our lifestyle and he is doing me a favour by just being here? I felt like telling him he could buy a hoover as I've paid for everything else in the home and I'm not his mother but didn't want an argument. At this point I feel like he's taking the p**s. My family joke and call him my 'lodger' and right now I genuinely feel like that's what he is.

Relationships are supposed to make your life better, not worse. It really is that simple. Breakup with him and keep repeating the above statement to yourself.

@Sssloou

Some clues - your own deadbeat dad and previous toxic RS tell me that your self worth has been set v low due to your childhood.

Therefor you tolerate v low standards because you were not cherished and valued by the most important man in your life. This neglect has set your pattern in the same way that his overbearing mother has set his.

Start looking at your own emotional growth - to fill that void that the deadbeat dad left - because that wound will trip you up and lead you into more unequal, unsatisfying, and dysfunctional RS even if you finish with this guy.

Anyone deserves more than this. This is not kind and respectful. Don’t waste a minute more of your precious finite years on this one. He is not your happy ever after - he will not fix your early childhood wound and provide the dream of home, marriage, baby, happy family.

But if you take some time out to fix yourself you will attract and only accept a genuinely emotionally healthy, positive, motivated and equal partner who will be a wonderful father.

This guy will be a deadbeat dad to your DC, just like he is a deadbeat BF.

Well done to you for being independent with your own home in your 20s - meet someone of equal worth, racing to build a life with you - not some loser in his 40s with nothing dragging his heels.

And his creepy Mum pushing him to TTC and buy a house with you YUCK.

You are a star who has been let down early in life. Fix that bit through therapy, emotional self development and all will be good.

Leave now and in a few years time when you are in your bigger house you will look over to see a great guy pegging out the washing / changing a nappy / bringing you cup of tea etc and know that it Sept 2020 you chose a path that made this happy family happen.

ALL OF THIS!

OP, you are too young to be throwing your life away on this man. Chuck him out and get rid of his clutter, get your dressing room back and buy the vacuum cleaner you want.

Take some time to work on yourself so you change your boundaries. That way, you won’t find yourself in the same position (your ex treated you and how your DP treat you isn’t because there’s something wrong with as a person. Your filters need adjusting so you can spot these muppets before you get involved with them). You don’t need to hint at things in a relationship, you talk about them. If you avoid the conversation to avoid an argument then that is a problem. If he is the one who turns everything into an argument then that is his problem. It isn’t anything you are doing. If he is not mature enough at 38 (or is he 41?!) to have a conversation without fighting then he’s a lost cause. Stop wasting your time.

How is the rest of your relationship? Do you love him?
Sounds like you are at the end of your tether, you either need commitment and equal responsibility for running of house etc or the relationship needs to end, a frank honest conversation is needed.

I felt like telling him he could buy a hoover as I've paid for everything else in the home and I'm not his mother but didn't want an argument.

Op I think you should have gone with your instincts here.

You know what to do.

Have you seen any evidence that he'd be a supportive father & partner when you have tough times?

Is this the role model you want for a child?

He won't change. He doesn't want to.

His mum encouraging you to get a house/have a baby is because a) she probably thinks you are good for her son and b) she knows he’s too useless to proceed with life in this way.

You do not want to be in a situation where you have a baby and no support from a man child.

Get rid, ASAP. Single life is better than this, and if you're single you'll be ready to meet much nicer men. Maybe do some work on building up your self worth first.

If you're nervous about making a perfectly reasonable point about him contributing to housework and buying appliances then that tells you all you need to know.

This man will make your life unbearably miserable if you ever have children, and then you'll be tied to him forever.

Get out now while you can, he doesn't deserve you.

And next time if a man begins to show any of these traits early on, pull him up on them. If he sulks, chuck him out! You may find that you being slightly tougher early on sets the right rules from the word go.

Having children is wonderful but is a real hand grenade into a relationship. Ensure you've got a decent relationship first and it'll withstand that grenade.
Throw kids into a crappy uneven relationship and you'll end up miserable as anything.

Good luck

@Bunnymumy

The fact is you shouldnt have to have a discussion with someone about how not to be a mooching bastard. People respect you or they don't. It's not something you can teach them to do.

Yep my view as well, if you have to tell a person this stuff then they're not the kind of person I'd want to be with.

OP, six years ago, my ex moved into my house, he was 48 years still living with his mother. His previous relationship was dysfunctional, he claimed to have being together for over 10 years, most of it was on/off and he would move right back to his mother's house then back again to her house. They did this for 10 years.

Everything had to be 50/50, but would not do any housework, when I had a talk about doing 50/50 house chores. He packed his bags and moved right back to his mother's house. It was perfect for me, I got myself busy by redecorating my house, he tried to come back. I refused to give him another chance for him to ruin my life.

Get rid of him. It's not like he will ends up in the streets, mummy dearest will have tissues and soup ready for him should he need it.

Please get rid. This afternoon.

Why would you even consider having children with this lout? Why?????