A SIL one

[Iwishiwasawizard]

DH's DB's Wife. She's always been a very difficult person, lives very close but minimum contact to every couple of months (usually a birthday). DH and DS invited there this weekend for and arrived after lunch.
After a few hours SIL proceeded to cook dinner (basic oven food) for her, BIL and their kids and left DH and DS out, even set the table just for them. When DH asked if there was any food for DS she got angry and blamed BIL for not telling her they were staying for tea, wasn't apologetic and didn't see what the problem was. DS is only 2 so doesn't eat much. Whenever we see DN's we are always generous and have never done anything remotely similar.

I'm not quite sure where to go from here and would welcome advice on how to handle it. I want DS to have a relationship with his family as he loves his cousins but it breaks my heart to think he would ever be made to feel left out or not equal to her kids. BIL did apologise to DH and seemed embarrassed but every time he ever speaks up for himself SIL just shouts and screams at him.

I found out this morning that SIL did exactly the same earlier this year when my Mum took DS round there at dinner time, my Mum knew we already had a fractious relationship so never mentioned it until now.

I can't imagine growing up and having an Auntie that made me feel inferior to my cousins, and whilst DS is still young, I feel we need to decide what to do in the future before he starts getting old enough to notice. This is DS's only Auntie and Uncle.

She's not right in the head

Someone need to be having a word with her husband so he can tell her how awkward and horrible she is

She has already come between DH and BIL a lot in the past and they have had a lot of fall outs because of her. At the moment they are getting on really well so I'm nervous of rocking that boat. DH really loves BIL and it affects his mental health whenever they fall out.
I don't know whether to say something or just leave it and continue with the minimal contact but be mindful of it not being at dinner time.
Just feel like she has no self awareness of the impact that could have on a child, but maybe any opinion is wasted on her anyway.

I would arrange out of the house with the DB and the DCousins and not the wife or invite them round. Any invitation to theirs either reject or take food with you or leave before dinner time. She is clearly an arsehole so treat her like one.

I’d keep my child away from that household. He’s only two, it’s not like he’s going to miss them or wonder why he’s not invited.

Your husband is an adult and needs to decide for himself.

Your BIL is also culpable in this - I assume he knows where the fridge is in his house. He should not let his brother and nephew be treated like this . He needs to stop wringing his hands and shrugging his shoulders.

But that’s up to him.

Good advice thanks. Do you think we should communicate anything to them about how we are feeling or just leave it and hope they figure it out themselves?

The only half way positive spin is that she has very, very poor social skills/awareness or manners. As you said, even if you weren’t expecting guests for dinner, you’d at least offer to feed a child with your children. I think if I were you I’d encourage your DH to try and build an independent relationship with his brother and leave SIL on the sidelines.

I wouldn't see BIL and his family unless it's at your home or DH parents house. And if they do come to yours stop doing meals for them.

Your BIL is an adult and therefore can sort out his own mental health issues, but don't put your child in the firing range between him and his wife.

Your sil is a cow.
No other logical explanation... Your dh can see his db and his dc out of the house. And without sil.
She can stew in her own packet juices.

I would avoid being over there at meal time. Your DS can’t feel left out if you don’t take him at meal times.

I was chatting to DH about this earlier, and she has done so much over the years to upset us, but the children have never been involved before. I really do think this is the straw on the camel's back for me and wouldn't be upset at all if I was to never see her again. She is the only toxic person in my life and I just think why should being married to someone automatically give her the privilege of being someone's Auntie.
I am thinking of just going as NC as I can, and being civil when I need to be.
I don't think there is any point in bringing this up at the moment with her as she is just retracting the blame onto BIL. I think BIL assumed that there was food in the oven for everyone so really not his fault at all, as by the time he realised, the food was cooked and ready to be served.

What @NataliaOsipova said.
I can’t imagine not offering food to visitors when we’re about to eat,aspecially child.

My StepMil could though,she took “her” family to the table leaving us behind.

BIL needs to grow a backbone, that’s for sure, but your SIL is clearly trying to drive a wedge between the brothers (and possibly between BIL and his DM by the sound of it).

In the most recent situation, if I’d been BIL, I’d have given your son my portion and put something in the oven for myself to eat 20-25 mins later.

But he arrived after lunch, stayed a few hours, surely if someone starts getting tea ready you take that as your queue to leave? He'd been there all afternoon maybe she'd had enough and was making a point..?

@jerrywesterby My thoughts exactly.

They were invited there for DN's birthday so I think DH just assumed our DS would be fed.

You are right, they were clearly very unwelcome and SIL obviously did want them to leave. Just doesn't sit well with me that she would let a 2 year old go hungry to prove a point.

He actually didn't arrive until 3pm and she put the food in the oven at 5pm

Don't understand the op

DH and DS invited there this weekend for and arrived after lunch
After a few hours SIL proceeded to cook

Did she invite them for dinner, lunch, no food just visit?

Did he outstay his welcome and she cooked thinking he'd get the message and leave? I've a sil who sits here for up to 10 hours with her kids, I'll have invited them for a couple of hours. Although I usually do feed them as I'm a feeder.

Surely she could have managed to sneak a few bits together from their plates to fill a 2 yo??

Ah crossed post, they were invited for a birthday and there was no food. Weird.

Erm. Bit of a different spin, and I realise that all of this will be coloured by her being difficult in the past but...

It sounds like your BIL didn't tell his wife ahead of time that your DH and DS were staying for dinner, giving her no time to get food in or prepared or set her expectations of the visit. If so, that's his fault.

It sounds like your BIL let his wife sort out dinner (and general hosting duties?) for his guests, and just assumed she would mind read and put herself out to sort everything for him. If so, that's his fault.

It sounds possible that there wasn't any pre-arrangement at all for your DH and DS to stay for dinner. If so, it's quite cheeky of your DH to just assume food will be prepared and served for him (at all, let alone with no advanced warning) and that's his fault (and bad manners).

Your DH didn't make a graceful exit when he realised the situation and by the sounds of it your BIL didn't lift a finger to try to resolve the situation himself. There was just embarrassment that his wife wouldn't meekly do all the wifework uncomplainingly like a good little woman.

I'm not sure why your sister in law is getting all the flak for this particular scenario except that she has upset you in the past and possibly overreacted to a very annoying situation (which is unlikely to be the first of its kind if your BIL can't organise himself).

Sorry.

Maybe she's sick of people turning up expecting to be fed? Maybe she wanted your DH to go... sounds like he'd been there for hours and she wanted to put her feet up with her family....
BIL may have said they were just popping in......to me someone popping in is then not staying for dinner on a Saturday evening...
Can't believe your blaming her.......

When BIL realised that SIL hadn't cooked enough food he said to her that he had bought enough for everyone so questioned why she didn't include them, so that wasn't the case m. DH wasn't expecting to be fed, but all parents know that a 2 year old eats early and by 5 it was past her dinner time anyway. DH said he smelt the food in the oven and assumed there was enough for DS so stayed. DS requires the tiniest of portions so hardly an issue to cook for.

I think it's really mean of anyone to put food in an oven for your own kids but exclude the other child in the house without even asking the parent what their plans were or telling them they wanted to eat alone and as it's nearly dinner time they should go home. They had only been there for 2 hours at that point. And SIL didn't have to lift a finger as DH and DS brought their own drinks round.

Averythinline

They were invited there for DN's birthday. DH definitely didn't invite himself.
Obviously bad communication from everyone but I can't see how anyone else is in the wrong here apart from SIL. They were eating oven food, why would you not just put a few extra bits in to accommodate a 2 year old? Could have even offered to take it home as it was too late for DH to make anything for DS by then

Do you think we should communicate anything to them about how we are feeling or just leave it and hope they figure it out themselves?

Don't say anything to them. She clearly has issues, as no sane person behaves like that.

Even if she felt she should have been told your DH was coming her reaction isn't normal...so saying anything is pointless.

Your poor BIL was clearly embarrassed by her..so say no more.

Let the brothers have their relationship and forget about your SIL. It's best to only communicate with her when absolutely necessary.

If their child is a similar age to your DS, could you have the DC round for a play date and develop the cousin relationship.