A SIL one

[Iwishiwasawizard]

DH's DB's Wife. She's always been a very difficult person, lives very close but minimum contact to every couple of months (usually a birthday). DH and DS invited there this weekend for and arrived after lunch.
After a few hours SIL proceeded to cook dinner (basic oven food) for her, BIL and their kids and left DH and DS out, even set the table just for them. When DH asked if there was any food for DS she got angry and blamed BIL for not telling her they were staying for tea, wasn't apologetic and didn't see what the problem was. DS is only 2 so doesn't eat much. Whenever we see DN's we are always generous and have never done anything remotely similar.

I'm not quite sure where to go from here and would welcome advice on how to handle it. I want DS to have a relationship with his family as he loves his cousins but it breaks my heart to think he would ever be made to feel left out or not equal to her kids. BIL did apologise to DH and seemed embarrassed but every time he ever speaks up for himself SIL just shouts and screams at him.

I found out this morning that SIL did exactly the same earlier this year when my Mum took DS round there at dinner time, my Mum knew we already had a fractious relationship so never mentioned it until now.

I can't imagine growing up and having an Auntie that made me feel inferior to my cousins, and whilst DS is still young, I feel we need to decide what to do in the future before he starts getting old enough to notice. This is DS's only Auntie and Uncle.

So your BIL said he’d bought enough food for everyone AFTER she started cooking? He sounds like a terrific communicator.

The answer is for your DS to see his uncle and cousins at your place where you can organise the day/meals to suit you.

Mmm, she doesn't sound very gracious and I agree, that feeding a 2 year old is not a big deal.

However, I agree with a PP who wondered if basically she felt that Dh had outstayed his welcome and it was time for him to leave? I mean, was she just doing food for the kids or for her, BIL and the kids? In which case, of course she can't just feed DS and not your DH as well? And perhaps this isn't the first time that she's been dumped with the hosting/cooking efforts by her DH and frankly she's tired of it? Either in the context of your DH or perhaps it's a regular thing with others? What time was your Dh invited for? Because your post was unclear if he was supposed to be there at lunch and then stayed on into dinner time?

As someone who has spent a LOT of time (and money) feeding SIL, BIL and various nieces and nephews when they turn up and then don't leave at dinner time so that I am obliged to offer food. Which normally I wouldn't mind but it has NEVER happened the other way, I find myself with some sympathy for your SIL.

SIL had known for over a week that DH and DS were coming, it wasn't a last minute decision.
Whether BIL had communicated wrongly or not, surely a normal person would just speak to the parent of the other child in the house and explain they are putting some food in the oven for their own children, and at that point they could have discussed whether that child would be staying for dinner or not. It's just very strange behaviour in my opinion.

SpaceOP

SIL has never cooked for DS before. Maybe once actually, but that's all. I couldn't count on all my fingers and toes how many times we have cooked for DN's, a lot!

@Iwishiwasawizard

Averythinline

They were invited there for DN's birthday. DH definitely didn't invite himself.
Obviously bad communication from everyone but I can't see how anyone else is in the wrong here apart from SIL. They were eating oven food, why would you not just put a few extra bits in to accommodate a 2 year old? Could have even offered to take it home as it was too late for DH to make anything for DS by then

Maybe she's making a point to her DH about being expected to cater for people where he's made the arrangements and not told her that she's feeding x number of people rather than just the family?

I don't think you can automatically assume she was in the wrong if I'm honest, though that said if DH invites people over I always ensure I'm crystal clear about expectations for catering (though to be fair DH always asks me if I don't mind feeding XYZ etc).

In the circumstances even if I was blindsided I'd have done my best to rustle something up for even unexpected guests but that's in a background that it's likely to have been a very unusual/rare miscommunication.

I can see a scenario where someone's at the end of their tether and making a point if I'm honest but there is no way of knowing if this is the case here or whether she simply pretty rude/doesn't like hosting etc

Moving forward I'd make sure that arrangements around food/visit duration were clear or alternatively agree to meet on neutral ground where everyone is responsible for their own families food.

Well then, she sounds rude and really, your BIL should be trying to mitigate this.

She’s a witch. I’d never do that to anyone in my house. Especially if there are kids. Who doesn’t offer to feed at least the kids???? Visits with BIL but not her. Don’t bad mouth her to BIL though, cos that will backfire enormously.

DH wasn't expecting to be fed, but all parents know that a 2 year old eats early and by 5 it was past her dinner time anyway.

If you're not invited for dinner (and a birthday doesn't necessarily mean dinner) then it's the responsibility of the parents of said 2-year old to go home in time for their dinner.

She could have been nicer about it but I don't see where she's wtong. They weren't invited for dinner, she wasn't told about any extra food that was bought and her husband didn't cook the dinner so how is this her fault?

I've just read back through the messages and SIL personally sent the text "we will put on a bbq if the weather is sunny"
That was the last message sent from her then it was just BIL and DH discussing the time
I think from that message you just assume there will be some form of food.
Sorry for the drip feeding!

That is dripfeeding but obviously changes the picture 😊 Was there at least birthday cake at 3 pm?

AspiringAmazon

Literally nothing, no cake, not even a crisp!

@Iwishiwasawizard Now that’s just downright bizarre! 😬 Still say your BIL also has hosting responsibilities though.

AspiringAmazon

Agreed, but at least he apologised. At the time and then also text DH later saying sorry.

If SIL had acknowledged any blame at all then I wouldn't really care as mistakes happen, I think it was her reaction to it that has riled me up. That she just started shouting and got angry.
At the end of the day, the only thing that should have mattered, was that the 2 year old was fed or not but she seemed more focused on shouting at BIL than caring about her Nephew's wellbeing.

I can't quite keep up with this. A few posts ago you said your DH wasn't expecting to be fed (but did expect your DS to be fed at 5 as 'everyone knows' small children eat then but DH didn't bother bringing any food with him); now you say there was talk of a BBQ.

OP, by any chance was your DH supposed to turn up for lunch and just arrived late at 3pm?!

I would take a step back if I was you. Let your DH maintain the relationship with his brother and kids. He can arrange to meet up with them, perhaps separately from your SIL.

I also ask because it seems fairly unusual that a child had no birthday cake - was it eaten earlier?

Surely BIL is just as responsible as his wife for feeding guests.

She sounds stressed and put upon. If someone is invited at 3pm, I think it's clear that they shouldn't be expected to be fed. And the putting on of dinner is a clear sign that it's time for guests to leave. It's so rude to actually stick around someone's home when the table is being set for the family dinner!

You guys really need to communicate more. "Oh, we're invited? How nice, from what time till what time? Just to be clear, that doesn't include dinner, right? Just in case you guys are early eaters." Copy in both adults so they both know what the deal is. And don't overstay your welcome.

Also, if you have a small child and you go out of the door for more than 30 minutes to anywhere, bring a snack and a drink (and a nappy).

it's so hard when family members marry difficult people isn't it, or, rather, marry people who WE find difficult as they don't hold the same povs to us. i think best to be light about it and try not to dwell on it. some people are just rubbish hosts hopefully she didn't deliberately set out to hurt your feelings just literally has no idea or has issues around this. her issues are not yours once you realise she probably wont change, you can let it go. I have a similar situation in my family and I do know how hard it is.

If she didn't want to feed your DS and/or your DH she would have waited until they left before cooking. Surely? She's just rude. I'd go NC.

Were you invited OP? Did you go? Can't work out if you went. Very strange and rude on BIL and SILs behalf if you weren't invited.

SIL laying the table was rude but was obviously her way of saying that she was getting ready for their dinner. Your DH should have used this as his que to leave. 'Oh, we won't stay long, we'll let you have your dinner'.

She only set the table once the food was easy to be served, otherwise I'm sure DH would have taken DS home or asked what the plan was.

Presuming there was a birthday cake yes but it was never discussed.

3pm was suggested by DH as DS still naps. The DN's are of a similar age so you would just assume they would eat together, we obviously assumed wrong. We are the ones to usually host and they have never brought their own food round and we would always feed them, even if not discussed beforehand. It's very easy to feed young children.

Georgia

I didn't go because of the covid restrictions on numbers, I was originally invited but we changed the plans after Boris's announcement

i think you are over-loading this by talking about a 2 yer old being left out/going hungry.
that is your husband's doing. he is responsible for his child's welfare.
you say you live very near. when SIL started preparing dinner why didn't he scoop up 2 year old saying, well it's time for this one's supper and bed soon, nice to see you all, ta-ta.