A SIL one

[Iwishiwasawizard]

DH's DB's Wife. She's always been a very difficult person, lives very close but minimum contact to every couple of months (usually a birthday). DH and DS invited there this weekend for and arrived after lunch.
After a few hours SIL proceeded to cook dinner (basic oven food) for her, BIL and their kids and left DH and DS out, even set the table just for them. When DH asked if there was any food for DS she got angry and blamed BIL for not telling her they were staying for tea, wasn't apologetic and didn't see what the problem was. DS is only 2 so doesn't eat much. Whenever we see DN's we are always generous and have never done anything remotely similar.

I'm not quite sure where to go from here and would welcome advice on how to handle it. I want DS to have a relationship with his family as he loves his cousins but it breaks my heart to think he would ever be made to feel left out or not equal to her kids. BIL did apologise to DH and seemed embarrassed but every time he ever speaks up for himself SIL just shouts and screams at him.

I found out this morning that SIL did exactly the same earlier this year when my Mum took DS round there at dinner time, my Mum knew we already had a fractious relationship so never mentioned it until now.

I can't imagine growing up and having an Auntie that made me feel inferior to my cousins, and whilst DS is still young, I feel we need to decide what to do in the future before he starts getting old enough to notice. This is DS's only Auntie and Uncle.

Georgia

The problem was it already really close to DS's bedtime by then and he hadn't been fed, DS was already acting really hangry and by the time DH would have got home it would have been DS's bedtime so too late for him to feed him. As a Mum herself I just thought she would have of course realised that and spoken to DH.
With a small child with an early bedtime, she would have known they wouldn't be staying much longer anyway so there was never a chance of them overstaying their welcome and not leaving.

Hmm, I don’t know, if I was really desperate to get someone to leave, tired & wanting to get on with my evening, and they just weren’t going, I might cook for my children & hope they would take the very strong hint that it’s time to go.....
I would keep in touch by inviting them to yours, and if there is any suggestion of you going to their’s, clarify whether this is an invitation to share food & how long you’re expected to stay for.
Bottom line is as a SIL you only have to have very minimal contact. I’d probably avoid her for a while: easier for everyone.

Alex

It's a 30 min walk from theirs to ours and I had the car and wasn't in the vicinity, SIL knew that.
We have learnt our lesson and will always have a backup meal with us from now on, but in this occasion just didnt think we would need to bring one.

She does not sound kind at all and it seems clear she's got some sort of problem with you all but your brother in law has blame also. He should have got off his arse and made the child toast, or shared his meal.
Did he sit there and eat his dinner while apologising for his wife not doing meal service?

This is so depressingly sexist. Every issue with the hosting is the female hosts fault. All the anger is directed at her. None at the male host, who is also the one with the primary relationship with the guests.

You say she has form for being weird about feeding guests? Then why the fricking hell did BIL not preempt this issue?! Why did he wait until she had done the thing she apparently always does and then bitch about it? Why aren't you raging at him for putting you in this awkward position!!!!

Thanks everyone for the advice. It has been good to see things from both sides.
I can see it from her perspective, but it still doesn't paint her in a good light, and I would rather still NC as much as I can to be honest as just don't think she's a very nice person to treat DS like that, or any child like that to be fair! I can't think of anyone else I know who would do that.

TorkTork

It's not sexist at all, this is about SIL's personality. BIL is usually the one who hosts and makes the food. In this instance SIL was the one who put the food in the oven and BIL didn't open the oven to check how much food was in there. Maybe it was wrong of him to assume, but he was busy playing with the kids whilst she was just sat on her phone. She was hardly knackered or a tired housewife. She literally opened an oven and put some food in it. This has nothing to do with gender.

I think anyone seeing that the SIL behaved appropriately clearly has poor hosting skills and bad manners themselves.

SIL was the one in charge of giving out the food, so I also think trying to blame the BIL in this situation is unfair.

I simply cannot imagine guests being in my house, invited or not and I proceed to dish up dinner for just my nuclear family.

It's bad enough she did that, but then proceeding to shout at your BIL in front of the kids as well, was uncalled for, however, it goes to show people like her exist...as you can see on this thread.

A birthday bbq means a cake and food. SIL sounds like she's missed a distemper shot

@NataliaOsipova

The only half way positive spin is that she has very, very poor social skills/awareness or manners. As you said, even if you weren’t expecting guests for dinner, you’d at least offer to feed a child with your children. I think if I were you I’d encourage your DH to try and build an independent relationship with his brother and leave SIL on the sidelines.

I agree. In my house now and my house growing up we always offer refreshments or someone a plate if we're sitting down to dinner but in my in-laws it just wouldn't occur to them to offer.

Even if I brought a cake round they'd just make themselves a cup of tea and have a slice without even offering. It isn't a matter of help yourself as the one time I tried they asked me what I thought I was doing 😂 it's one of many reasons why we don't visit.

It was your dh job to make sure your ds didn't get hungry not hers...

It is a sexist thing...why are you blaming the woman ? I would never have stayed at someone's house once they started putting food in the oven if they didn't ask if I wanted some....
I would have read it as a blatant hint that it was time to leave...

If you want to go NC and have lots of drama fair enough but this is not the occasion for it imo.. i would be cross at my dh and just accept she didn't want them there in her house...for whatever reason... you have no idea what BIL is like behind close doors...maybe they can't afford guests and he's always being the big i am.....

There's obviously something going on with SIL either mental health related or difficulty with social skills.

It is also very probable that bil is in a psychologically abusive relationship and it probable that the kids are also effected.

I would say plan very meticulously if visiting.

Time , what will happen etc. Ask beforehand if your son is eating there. Be very clear.

I'd say your husband needs to keep a decent relationship with his brother so he can be there for him.

She's an arse but to be honest your BIL could have then offered his food up to your DS

Fuzzymoon

You've hit the nail on the head perfectly. SIL is incredibly controlling and if BIL even so much as banters about her she starts shouting and screaming. She is very abusive to him.

That's a whole other thread though and nothing to do with me. I just didn't like the way she treated my DS, her only nephew, and don't think it bodes well for a future relationship with him. I don't think I would be comfortable leaving him alone with her now to be honest as it's very obvious she would treat him differently to his cousins, and make him feel inferior.

Avery

I have no reason to be cross at DH. He was invited to his brothers house for a bday party where they had mentioned putting on a BBQ! He was only there for 2 hours when the food was put in the oven. The cousins hadn't seen each other for months and were really happy playing. I don't blame him for assuming DS was being fed, I think most people would assume the same too to be honest. Feeding a 2 year old is no feat at all.

She sounds vile, and it's almost like she did it on purpose so she could kick off.

I'd never go there again, I certainly wouldn't be cooking for her either.
I'd an aunt who made it clear I wasn't welcome, it's not a nice feeling.

I dont understand why BIL didnt just take a few spoons of his own food and put it on a plate for your child?
I mean, its definitely not very nice of SIL that she didnt cook for everyone or at least ask if your DH would be staying, but if I was BIL i would have shared my portion with a 2 year old. Like you said, they barely eat at that age.

I'm sorry but your sil is horrible. I could never leave out a child at a meal time. I think I'd go no contact because I couldn't allow her to treat my child that way. Your child will grow up and notice that hes being treated badly by her, that's hurtful for him.

I cannot believe pps are justifying her behaviour. In a million years I wouldn't serve up food and leave out guests (even if they arrived unexpectedly! - I know that isn't the case here) and most especially not a child.

Rude in the extreme.

In fact I dropped into see my friends sick mum a while ago. When I arrived my friend was there too. She put on a breakfast for herself, sat down and ate it without offering me anything. I had brought some bakery items. She ate them. I was disgusted.

When your DH noticed there was no BBQ, why didn't he ask? That should have been his first clue. I agree that all the blame seems to be falling on the woman. I'd expect my partner to cater to his family. Sounds like BIL fucked up and SIL was made the scapegoat.

In terms of the overall relationship, raise your concerns to your husband and let him decide. Sounds like they aren't in your lives much anyway.

some people find having outsiders in their house very stressful.
not everyone is the same.
i don't see it as she being horrible to a child.
she obviously expected the visitors to have left and wasn't going to give mixed signals to encourage them staying longer.
it does sound sexist to blame her for the whole thing.

I don't think it's sexist. She put the food on for her own kids and served it up leaving her guests out.

I had an old friend like this. They would often turn up with the children at lunchtime. I would always make lunch, often something simple like fishfingers and chips. I would also offer it to my friend and her DH naturally. Her DH was often scathing, but certainly tucked in and ate everything on offer. What a cheeky pig he was.

I realise this is the other way round op, but I always remember my dd who was only about 7 at the time making the point that Auntie always turned up expecting to be fed but had never once bought my two girls so much as a bag of sweets, ever.

It sounds as though she does not want your DH and child there op. She is certainly very unwelcoming and I would not be going again. Pretty clear to me.

Look, I personally wouldn't behave like this either - I'm a big feeder and I would indeed be embarrassed not to make people feel welcome in my home (whether they were or not), within reason. I do agree that it's bad manners to behave in the way your SIL and BIL did unless faced with really cfs who need a big hint that they've massively overstayed their welcome.

But. It's equally bad manners to just assume that you and your child will be fed by someone when nothing explicit had been agreed. It's short sighted not to pack additional snacks for a small child in any case because the host may not provide did your child likes or at the time your child is hungry, or as much as your child wants to eat, and it is ultimately your responsibility to provide for your child and prevent the "hanger".

And I do agree with everyone here who has said there is more than a whiff of internalised sexism about this. "As a mother" she didn't feed your child or host correctly - outrage! Possibly you just don't like her and you're using sexist social norms as a convenient stick to beat her with; possibly you actually do think (subconsciously or not) that women should always be the real hosts and are responsible for anything that goes wrong (in your eyes) while men get a pass. I don't know.

I'm not saying she's a nice person, or that you should leave your child with her, or ever speak to her again if you don't want to. That's fine. But it does seem like you are determined not to see that your DH and BIL contributed at all to this situation with poor communication, assumptions, failure to act when the situation was not as expected or show any hint of practical problem solving or selflessness themselves in addressing the issue. Just be aware that, if so, that attitude may come back and bite you one day when the boot is on the other foot!

Came on to say exactly this. The issue here is between BIL and his wife.

It sounds as if they were invited without her agreement, she wasn't then expecting to feed anyone. Maybe she was feeling like the maid, as I often do with my husband's family. I wouldn't have let a child go unfed, but it sounds like DH had unwittingly outstayed his welcome.

She's set her boundaries now so you know now to make arrangements for your DS's food in the future.