A SIL one

[Iwishiwasawizard]

DH's DB's Wife. She's always been a very difficult person, lives very close but minimum contact to every couple of months (usually a birthday). DH and DS invited there this weekend for and arrived after lunch.
After a few hours SIL proceeded to cook dinner (basic oven food) for her, BIL and their kids and left DH and DS out, even set the table just for them. When DH asked if there was any food for DS she got angry and blamed BIL for not telling her they were staying for tea, wasn't apologetic and didn't see what the problem was. DS is only 2 so doesn't eat much. Whenever we see DN's we are always generous and have never done anything remotely similar.

I'm not quite sure where to go from here and would welcome advice on how to handle it. I want DS to have a relationship with his family as he loves his cousins but it breaks my heart to think he would ever be made to feel left out or not equal to her kids. BIL did apologise to DH and seemed embarrassed but every time he ever speaks up for himself SIL just shouts and screams at him.

I found out this morning that SIL did exactly the same earlier this year when my Mum took DS round there at dinner time, my Mum knew we already had a fractious relationship so never mentioned it until now.

I can't imagine growing up and having an Auntie that made me feel inferior to my cousins, and whilst DS is still young, I feel we need to decide what to do in the future before he starts getting old enough to notice. This is DS's only Auntie and Uncle.

Oh come on. They’d offered a BBQ and it was a Birthday celebration. Who the hell doesn’t at least lay out nibbles for that sort of occasion, not to mention a cake? Especially if it had been a long time between visits, as in this case.

And if BIL often does the food and was entertaining the three kids then it’s not at all sexist to see the SIL as being wrong here.

I literally couldn’t imagine a scenario where I would eat, whilst guests were in the house, and not at least offer them something. It wouldn’t matter if they’d just dropped in or if they’d “outstayed their welcome.” It’s just bloody rude.

by the time DH would have got home it would have been DS's bedtime so too late for him to feed him.

So if your DS isn't fed in time for bedtime he goes hungry until breakfast

Honestly, it was 5pm. Why couldn't your DH text/ phone you to put dinner on for DH, then by the time he walked the 30 minutes back to your house his dinner wouldve been ready at 5.30pm. Or if you weren't home, he could've made your DS something really quick like weetabix, banana and cinnamon for example. OR bought him a snack from a shop on the way home??

I do agree what your SIL did was deliberate and not nice at all, my DSGM was like that. I also think it's normal to expect some type of food when invited to a birthday party where food was mentioned by one of the hosts.

I also dont think the comments are sexist. She is getting the blame because it was HER who tipped the bag of chips (or whatever) onto the oven tray and put it in the oven. I'm sure if it was DBIL instead she would be saying he is the arse.

I'm at the tail end of 25 years of toxic SIL although she lives abroad but she's treated our DCs differently. Now that MIL has died we soon will have no need ever to see or speak to her again and won't. Such relief. Our DCs keep in touch with cousins via social media but won't really have a relationship, which is a shame.

I want to know about the cake. It's very weird to be celebrating a DCs birthday and have no cake.

If I were you, don't ever send your DS there. If DH wants to go let him but don't send your son. If you want contact with the cousins, invite them over to yours or arrange a activity outside the household. She is not normal and don't feel offended by it. No sane person would do this.

Geppilli Yes, I asked about this earlier in the thread but no response.

I did wonder whether this suggested that the OP's DH and DS were actually invited for lunch but arrived much later than SIL expected (hence the irritation).

OP I find people like her only get away with things like this because everyone is so scared of rocking the boat. Why should she be allowed to do this though? There is no situation EVER to leave a 2yo out of a meal. Ever.
I wouldnt leave this. If your dh doesnt want to address it then you do it- it's your ds too.
I would call her up and tell her what she did was awful and you will not allow your ds to be treated this way.

The thing is now that she has done this , and If you or dh let's it go then the next time it gets more cruel towards your ds. Why should he be treated this way all for the sake of the adults wanting to appease one toxic person.

Lots of divided opinions on this. I have been a terrible drip feeder so just to confirm:
SIL was the original one to invite us and the plan was always to arrive at 3pm
SIL was the one who sent a text to say the week before to say they would do a bbq if the weather was nic
Due to covid DN had a number of birthday celebrations, I'm presuming the cake had run out by the time DH and DS arrived
DH did make DS a sandwich once the family were sat down and eating and used their bread to make it, so DS did not go hungry. BIL did offer his food but DH said no and a sandwich would be fine.

I don't think 2 hours is overstaying your welcome when you are at a families house that you haven't seen in months and likely won't see now until Xmas. The DN was having a lot of fun playing with DS.

In hindsight, maybe SIL just wanted DH to drop the present off and leave, but that was never communicated from her.

I do agree that the communication between BIL and DH was dreadful, but they didn't do anything nasty. SIL putting food in the oven for only her own kids and nothing for her 2 year old nephew, is downright nasty in my opinion.

Agreed it does sound like poor communication all round. I couldn't get as exercised about the lack of dinner for DS, though, and would more likely be embarrassed that my DH had received such a massive hint that it was time to leave and instead gone and made a sandwich to eat while the family were having dinner!

But I appreciate that there's a lot of background bad feeling here and I'm sure you're right that SIL is not very kind. I expect you can come up with better examples than this as a reason for cutting contact, though, and I'd stick with those! Good luck and sorry you're in a stressful family situation. It's not fun.