Almost nobody believes me about ExHs abuse

[AztekFan]

I’ve name-changed for this as it’s probably pretty outing to the people I’ve told IRL.

I finally left exH recently after a 10 year marriage. On the outside, he seemed like the perfect husband and everyone he meets loves him. He’s respected in our religious community, he helps the wider community and he just paints this picture that he’s a really nice guy. But our marriage was awful. Everything had to be exactly how he wanted it, or he’d berate me for hours. He’d play tricks on me to make me think I was going crazy, and twist my words. If he wanted sex, I had to say yes or he’d just hold me down and force me. He rarely actually hit me, but it was always where nobody would see. He never lost his temper with me in public, but I’d often get it for things that had annoyed him when we got home.

He always told me that nobody would ever believe me if I told them about him, and he was right. Now I’ve left him, he’s still the well-respected man he always was. Most of the few people I’ve tried to tell clearly don’t believe me and I feel so alone.

We have two children so I still have to see him and I know what he’s telling other people about me. I feel like I’m still trapped even though I’ve left him and I don’t know how I can deal with the judgement, even from my family.

Have you told your mother he has raped you, berated you for hours etc? Surely no mother would expect you to put up with that. Huge sympathy and hugs op, he goes low, you go high. You know the truth whatever other people may think. Wishing you strength and good luck, you’ll get through this. 💐

My mum doesn't believe he raped me. When I first told her I hated it before I'd realised fully what it was, she told me I shouldn't say things like that and then she told him what I'd told her. He made such a show of being really upset, that I'd hurt him so terribly saying such things and she believed him.

You really need to get away from them all for your own sanity. Start afresh where people will respect you for who you are. Where he can’t spread rumours or have an affect on your neighbours.

Is he abusive when you are in contact now? Can you record it? Not to release to the public but in case you do need evidence for custody.

Aztec this is like leaving a cult. They are brainwashed. I can't see you being able to reason ties to the community and being able to live in peace. I don't think you'll get any closure or justice from in it - to go against him means they lose so much.

Outside of that world he's a nobody and you are believed. Do think of it like this.., you and your children have a big wide world to live in. He has that tiny little one. You're out and you're free. Enjoy it.

She TOLD HIM what you’d told her???? I’m so sorry your mother didn’t support you when you needed her. Sincerely hope you can find caring support offnet, you deserve it.

I believe you. My partner is a bit like this - not physically abusive, but verbally nasty to me repeatedly. But to the outside world - he is Mr Nice Guy, and no-one I’ve told about him who knows him believes that he’s that nasty to me. People have trouble accepting that some people have very different personas and can be manipulative. It hurts though when people closest to you don’t believe you. But just know you’re not alone and anyone who has been through it WILL believe you.

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl

Aztec this is like leaving a cult. They are brainwashed. I can't see you being able to reason ties to the community and being able to live in peace. I don't think you'll get any closure or justice from in it - to go against him means they lose so much.

Outside of that world he's a nobody and you are believed. Do think of it like this.., you and your children have a big wide world to live in. He has that tiny little one. You're out and you're free. Enjoy it.

I think you're right. I'm not observing the festival today, and it feels so freeing. I need to just get away from it all.

Yes, she told him Goody. I think she thought she was helping, getting me to communicate with him not her. He was so convincing to her that he was heartbroken, he would never hurt me, how could I say that. She probably still thinks she helped, she has no idea what he did to me after she left for having told her. It was years ago, while I was still with him and it took me years to get up the courage to tell anyone else after that.

I’m so sorry you don’t have the support of you parents, and that they don’t know the depths of fear and horror you’ve gone through. Hope you have some friends who can support you and that the specific helplines suggested before, or Women’s Aid or Rights of Women will be useful for you too.

I believe you! I'm sorry you have been through this. It sounds like you may need to reduce contact with your parents. I would set some boundaries with them, they're not allowed to mention ExH as you're not going back. They either support you or walk away. I'm sorry I know it's awful. Please contact support, at least have something documented with woman's aid/doctor etc that he's abusive.

I believe you, and I'm so sorry to read about what you have been going through. With regards to being believed, I found the Believed podcast (made by NPR) incredibly illuminating. It is not easy to listen to, but illustrates how someone can hide behind a cloak of respectability and authority to committ abuse (in this case, the abuser was the doctor for the US gymnastics Olympics team). And the importance of being believed.

www.npr.org/podcasts/510326/believed?t=1601284067024

I believe you. I'm in a similar situation. Everybody thinks my husband is great and I'm the bitch. He is a terrible husband.

You sound incredible OP. I'm full of admiration for you. I can't imagine how tough this is, and you are doing absolutely the right thing for yourself and your children. Stay strong.

I believe you! You should be proud you found the strength to free yourself and your children. My ex is similar but it took him having an affair to set me free. He’s a ‘nice guy’ to the wider community too-although interestingly, people are starting to comment that they are seeing a different side to him as he’s unravelling slightly now I’m not conforming so much to his demands. He can’t cope with the loss of control and every now and then his nice guy masks slips in public.

You know the truth. And so does he! And that’s why he says these vile things to you, it’s to try and keep you quiet and passive. Don’t let him have any control by giving him too much head space. He doesn’t deserve that space. Nothing he says will change the reality of the situation. You know the truth and for me, there’s a sense of power in that.

I have to see my ex because of the children but I found a way to minimise it. He’s not allowed to my house, I either meet him in a car park or on the street-he’s less likely to act out when he might be witnessed! Is this something you could try? Lessen the opportunity for him to say anything to you.

I believe you . I think in the long run truth does emerge, but it is sometimes a very long run indeed. Well done on getting away

I believe you OP and I’m so sorry you’re going through this

I believe you OP. Sorry if I speak out of line but if you are part of the community I think you are then you are not alone in wanting to leave.

What others believe has no power over you.
In any case, other people are usually wrapped up in their own lives and don't give much (if any) thought to other marriages.

Your ex clearly is a horrible person.
You know how horrible he is, that's enough. What people think is of no importance, people think a lot of things without knowing what went on behind closed doors.
You escaped him, you did well, good for you, you are a strong woman.
From what you write, he sounds like a "covert narcissist". Look up some You-Tube video's on the subject (dr Ramani, ...). You will find there are many of these horrible people around and get some tips on how to handle them.
Good luck !
Be strong, good luck to you