Almost nobody believes me about ExHs abuse

[AztekFan]

I’ve name-changed for this as it’s probably pretty outing to the people I’ve told IRL.

I finally left exH recently after a 10 year marriage. On the outside, he seemed like the perfect husband and everyone he meets loves him. He’s respected in our religious community, he helps the wider community and he just paints this picture that he’s a really nice guy. But our marriage was awful. Everything had to be exactly how he wanted it, or he’d berate me for hours. He’d play tricks on me to make me think I was going crazy, and twist my words. If he wanted sex, I had to say yes or he’d just hold me down and force me. He rarely actually hit me, but it was always where nobody would see. He never lost his temper with me in public, but I’d often get it for things that had annoyed him when we got home.

He always told me that nobody would ever believe me if I told them about him, and he was right. Now I’ve left him, he’s still the well-respected man he always was. Most of the few people I’ve tried to tell clearly don’t believe me and I feel so alone.

We have two children so I still have to see him and I know what he’s telling other people about me. I feel like I’m still trapped even though I’ve left him and I don’t know how I can deal with the judgement, even from my family.

ex told them I left him, so he got the sympathy. didn't tell them what he had done to make me leave, oh no.

so , yeah, I believe you too. (sorry fat fingers posted too soon)

well done for leaving. keep up the hard work, it will be so much better without him.

I believe you. Your story is one of many women across the country (and indeed world). Sadly there are loads like him.

I hope you manage to get out of this situation

There is definitely an us vs outsiders in at least my branch of my religion. I thought about that when I left. A work friend helped me find a place to rent outside of the main area that people who attend my shul live. I thought if I was there and exH came after me, everyone would turn a blind eye and then he'd be able to spin it somehow so I was the bad person, but here people would call the police.

I have a lot to think about now I have some space. It got so unbearable during the lockdown that I had to go, even if I felt like I hadn't planned enough.

I believe you

I believe you.

And I'm proud you put your child first and left.

Sounds like it might be JW or similar? You can build a new life, always. A new support system, friends etc. Don't ever think that you can't

I believe you.

I believe you OP

II believe you too

He sounds awful.

Well done for getting out. People must be suspicious. They might not say but nobody leaves a “fantastic guy” for no reason. The seed of suspicion will be sown. We’ve all been around the block. If a woman leaves here husband and worsens her life, I’m always thinking “hmmm” regardless of how amicable and lovely he is. Every single woman I know with kids who has left her relationship, has done it for a very good reason. Often it’s taken years to get to that point. If that woman hasn’t moved in with another guy then there’s always more to the story. In my experience, the guy has anger issues or has some other hidden defect that only the wife sees (like gambling/porn addiction). One woman left her “amazing” husband because he was addicted to cocaine. Nobody else would know that though and the cocaine made him “hilarious and brilliant”. Forget his admirers. What you need to do now is make friends who don’t know him. Live in a different area and make a fresh start. Block everyone who knows him. They are no longer of interest to you. Focus energy on yourself. You are strong and you can do this.

He can’t take your children. We have laws in this country. He’s not the King and he doesn’t get to decide. Fuck him. Don’t go to services where he’s preaching. You’re separated. You no longer have to set eyes on that arsehole. If he wants the kids to be religious then he takes them to services when he has his access days. I suggest strongly that you go see a solicitor who is experienced in domestic abuse to get proper advice that is grounded and based in fact. Find out your rights. Write them down and put them on the fridge. He doesn’t get to control you anymore. If this helps, a friend of mine had a complete psychotic breakdown after her awful ex tried to destroy her and take the kids. Despite needing hospital treatment she STILL didn’t lose her kids. She got help and got well and is primary carer. Social services aren’t stupid. They see these men all the time.

Look up ‘Street angel - house devil’ - it’s a common pattern of behaviour in certain men who abuse.

You have done the right thing and for your kids as eventually as they got older and more independent, if it hasn’t already, it will involve them. They will beyond his control.

OP, it’s because of people like him that religions like the one he’s a part of have the reputation they do.

You’re no longer part of the religion. Stop going to his preachings. Stop taking your children to his preachings, in fact I would urge you to keep your children as far away from the religion as possible to protect them from being indoctrinated any further.

He can’t take your children. The courts don’t give a shit what kind of religion he’s a part of, in fact his religion is likely to go against him if he’s using it to threaten you with.

As for the community, you’re better off without them, and may of them will in time realise just what they’re a part of when they too run into difficulties and nobody will support them.

You’re free now. Move away from this lot and rebuild your life, without him or his cronies in it.

Me too
I believe you .
They are insidious
Keep strong xxx

I'd be so tempted to ask to do a reading myself and read out a passage about how to spot evil or how a man should treat his wife with respect. Whilst looking directly at him. Then just leave and never go back.

I believe you 💐

You can find a way through this by only having a small trusted social circle. Live a peaceful life. Anyone who doesn’t believe you -cut them off. (Carefully by lessening contact rather than telling them exactly why)

It’s likely he’ll enter into a new relationship soon, and that will be fantastic because your split will be old news and you’ll be “history” so people won’t be so interested.

Focus on yourself and your kids.

It doesn’t matter what he says about you. Just keep a tiny circle.

I never really trust overly charming individuals who court ‘followers’. I watched a series of documentaries on narcissistic personality disorder. I’ll never forget one doctor said these people are frequently to be found in positions such as pastor or church elder and seen as “pillars of the community”.

OP, I absolutely believe you.

Yes, I would believe you, as I have known many people over the years, who act, and behave like this. The old saying, you never know what goes on behind closed doors is true.

It is the best , that you have left him now,why should you live with someone who is a total sham Husband who didn't respect you, despite his so called highly respectable outside life.

Try not to dwell what others may think of this man and his so called upstanding ways, only you know the truth,and all the others have thick blinkers on and no nothing, or choose to know anything.

I believe you.

Your reference to a shul leads me to believe you are talking about the ultra-Orthodox Jewish community - women don't hold a very strong position in that branch of the Jewish faith. It's tragic and well done you for getting out. You're better off without that in your life, as are your DC.

@AztekFan have you been in contact with Jewish Women’s Aid? They will be able to help you.

Yes, I'm Jewish pointythings, and I think that's why everything is heightened for me emotionally at the moment with it being the high holiday period where I'm expected to be part of the family, part of the community and the celebration yet I feel like such an outsider. It was that that pushed me into posting I think, just the absolute judgement at the service from people telling me I should make better choices (ie take him back) this year. I thought about not going but my children would stand out even more amongst their friends and I wanted them to have something normal at least after leaving and moving so suddenly (to them).

But I know I'm telling the truth, and I'm doing the best thing for my children. I need to cling to that when I'm moving forward, you're all right and I appreciate all the advice, I'm trying to process it all.

I believe you, Aztek .

Organised religion - pretty much any of them - is the pits for this sort of thing. The religious elders in my DSis' religious community (not saying precisely which one as fairly niche and therefore potentially outing) knew her husband beat her, but still told her marriage was sacred and she had to give them another chance

I don't know what women can do if they still have religious leanings - form break-away female centred worship groups? (I lost my own faith a long time back).