Almost nobody believes me about ExHs abuse

[AztekFan]

I’ve name-changed for this as it’s probably pretty outing to the people I’ve told IRL.

I finally left exH recently after a 10 year marriage. On the outside, he seemed like the perfect husband and everyone he meets loves him. He’s respected in our religious community, he helps the wider community and he just paints this picture that he’s a really nice guy. But our marriage was awful. Everything had to be exactly how he wanted it, or he’d berate me for hours. He’d play tricks on me to make me think I was going crazy, and twist my words. If he wanted sex, I had to say yes or he’d just hold me down and force me. He rarely actually hit me, but it was always where nobody would see. He never lost his temper with me in public, but I’d often get it for things that had annoyed him when we got home.

He always told me that nobody would ever believe me if I told them about him, and he was right. Now I’ve left him, he’s still the well-respected man he always was. Most of the few people I’ve tried to tell clearly don’t believe me and I feel so alone.

We have two children so I still have to see him and I know what he’s telling other people about me. I feel like I’m still trapped even though I’ve left him and I don’t know how I can deal with the judgement, even from my family.

AztekFan it must be so hard to feel so much like an outsider for doing the right thing. Please allow yourself to grieve for all your losses, you have every right to that sadness.

But long term you will find another community, one where you belong, one where women have rights and are treated as equals, ones where your DC will learn how to be decent human beings, not bigoted hidebound asshats.

I believe you You're a strong woman.

I believe you OP.

It really helps if you can drag yourself to a mental place of not giving a fuck what anyone thinks. As in, "thickies, fuck em".

He may or may not reveal himself in time, but the best revenge is moving forward and no longer giving a shit if he gets what coming to him.

The abused women community is statistically huge - we know all about these guys, OP, we believe you.

Aztekfan there are many many Jewish people who live perfectly lovely non violent lives who don't ever think it's ok. As a religion (I am not terribly pro most religions) it's a perfectly fine one. It's only when you start to get into the ultra orthodox it gets cult like.

I worry about the brainwashing of any of those. The LDS, the other one (a bit tired - the one with watchtower mag), the extreme Muslim ones. The weird new agey Christian ones (ive got s a friend in another country that belongs to one - or should I say I had). Some men love the owner and control so much they can't let go of it and they just love telling women what to do and how to think.

But the world doesn't bow down to these men. They have no real power and no one cares - including and especially the courts of this country.

If you are leaving an extreme religion I think you might need extra support from women who have been there. So many women have left this world and you don't have to be alone. Get a really good solicitor and take half of the joint assets you can get your hands on (it's legal).

As for him? The courts have heard it all before 🙄 especially from so called important men 🙄

I believe you OP. Now you are outside that marriage and looking critically at the religion, spend some time finding your people, those who will believe you. Spend less of your energy on those who don't. Learn how to get distance and independence. Over time you will heal.

Bear in mind that some just don't want to believe you. They won't listen. There is nothing you can do to convince them. There is no point in trying.

I hope he will show his colours to everyone around him in future. It doesn't matter though if he is always thought of as a saint - you know who he is and you have done the right thing by getting away.

I believe you.

There is a website I've just found called jwa.org.uk that specifically helps Jewish women who have suffered domestic abuse. I know that a Jewish community can be very closed, and protective of its members, but there are people who will believe you, and support you, and help you to completely break away from him.

Rosh Hashana is about family, but it is also about new beginnings. You can do this. Sending you love and strength.

Here's a two things I found.

newhumanist.org.uk/articles/5195/leaving-the-hasidic-community

mavar.org.uk/

I believe you too.

I'm so pleased he's an exH.

I believe you

I believe you! I also believe that the truth always comes out eventually. If people want to believe that you gave up a marriage and security over nothing let them

I have been talking to someone who has also left the community, and it seems like a complete break is really the only way.

I met my parents so they could give a birthday present to my eldest today, and it’s just so tough having my mum in particular try to convince me to go back. “It can’t be so bad, you have the two children, everyone has rough patches but you give up so easily.” I wanted to scream at her that I put up with it for 10 years, and it was only getting worse but I know there is no point. Tomorrow I have to see him, for the birthday, so I’m steeling myself for that instead.

I would just tell your Mum that being raped and verbally terrorised for 10 years isn't a rough patch.

Say it every time.

We believe you. xxx

You could join some support groups etc for women who've been through abuse.

www.facebook.com/groups/narcissisticpartners is good.

You could also chat to your local Freedom Programme facilitator, some are running online groups.
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/search.php

Many abusers are charismatic charmers who are powerful in their community/impress people so their victims are believed less.

I know it's even harder if you've been part of a strict religious group.

I want to recommend the following website - Betrayal Trauma Recovery www.btr.org

The woman who runs it has a podcast as well and she has a similar story regarding faith, her husband and his abuse.

It is really helpful and you will find out that you are not alone and the profile of your husband unfortunately is not unique.

Lots of love to you and I believe you x

A mask of gold hides all deformities. He is crafting an image which is hard for anyone to see. You saw beneath the mask. It makes people uncomfortable when confronted with an ugly truth and they don't want to believe it.

I believe you.

A leapoard doesn't change its spots and eventually his mask will slip with someone else. They will join up the dots op. Rest assured

I believe you.

I believe you

I believe you. It is going to be hard because there is the risk that those you knew will desert you, but you can and will make a new community, a new family - as it turned out you never knew them and they never knew you.
It might sound hopeless but think about it more that you are giving birth to yourself. And you will nurture yourself and love yourself better than faking it and hurting.

ExH is telling people I have a drinking problem now. I used to have to drink to be able to cope with having sex with him, I haven't drunk any alcohol since I left him, not even after he attacked me again. I didn't go to the service yesterday and I know he's really angry now so I think I have to accept he will try to tell more lies about me.

I spoke to one of the helplines shared, thank you, and I have a little bit of a plan to get further away. It will take time, but its worth it.

I believe you op.
And I bet others do as well.
He seems to have a lot of “social currency” so they’ll be too scared to say anything.
Well done for leaving.
And if anyone mentions the “drinking problem” say yes I had to drink to cope with being raped and beaten. Make it clear and make it uncomfortable.

I believe you x

He has deliberately engineered things such that you won't be believed, it's all part of his strategy and you have been his victim
I believe you 🦋

He has so much control over the whole community, its easier for them to condemn me along with him than risk him turning on them. And nobody wants to think that someone they trusted, that is in such a position could be doing these things so they blame me. And because I've taken it outside of the community, everything is supposed to be kept so quiet and inside the community.

I struggle with the word rape. I know it was, but it's hard to say. But I think you're right, if they want to make me uncomfortable I can do it also.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Your ex sounds like a classic narcissist and this is what narcissists do.They create a fake image of being the perfect partner/parent etc and everything is perfect whilst secretly abusing their victims.

Psychological and emotional abuse is the norm with narcissists as well as verbal/financial/physical/sexual abuse (delete as appropriate).

Narcissists are extremely charming and are experts at minimising their behaviour/lying/deception and manipulation.They have no empathy or remorse for others and genuinely think their behaviour is justified.I bet you very seldom ever heard an apology or ever admitted he was wrong about anything?

Please consider speaking to your GP about getting some counselling and joining some online support groups for victims of domestic abuse.On Facebook their also a support group for victims of narcissistic abuse.