Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Almost nobody believes me about ExHs abuse

119 replies

AztekFan · 20/09/2020 20:46

I’ve name-changed for this as it’s probably pretty outing to the people I’ve told IRL.

I finally left exH recently after a 10 year marriage. On the outside, he seemed like the perfect husband and everyone he meets loves him. He’s respected in our religious community, he helps the wider community and he just paints this picture that he’s a really nice guy. But our marriage was awful. Everything had to be exactly how he wanted it, or he’d berate me for hours. He’d play tricks on me to make me think I was going crazy, and twist my words. If he wanted sex, I had to say yes or he’d just hold me down and force me. He rarely actually hit me, but it was always where nobody would see. He never lost his temper with me in public, but I’d often get it for things that had annoyed him when we got home.

He always told me that nobody would ever believe me if I told them about him, and he was right. Now I’ve left him, he’s still the well-respected man he always was. Most of the few people I’ve tried to tell clearly don’t believe me and I feel so alone.

We have two children so I still have to see him and I know what he’s telling other people about me. I feel like I’m still trapped even though I’ve left him and I don’t know how I can deal with the judgement, even from my family.

OP posts:
feelingfree17 · 20/09/2020 21:34

I believe you
Try not to waste your energy on getting caught up with those that don’t believe you. They are not important. Concentrate on looking forward to a better life with you and your children, and people who will love and support you.
Truth always comes out in the end

Original poster
AztekFan · 20/09/2020 21:34

Thank you, even seeing words on a screen that people believe me really means a lot. That he wasn’t completely right, after all.

My eldest DC is 7, and it was him starting to be afraid of his dad that made me get the strength to leave. The younger one is too young to have realised really. I am really glad to be as free as I am, I didn’t realise until I left that I hadn’t slept properly in years.

I’m ‘lucky’ I suppose that he’s not ostracised us completely from the community, I have no doubt he could, but it wouldn’t fit the picture he’s painting to everyone. I almost think it would be easier if he had then I could make a complete break to move on, I think if I left it myself he’d use it as a reason to try to take the children.

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 20/09/2020 21:42

The thing is op, he cant just take the children. It doesn't work like that. Also, even of he could, do you really think he would want the work of taking care if 2 kids 24/7? No chance!

If he has committed any crimes against you, make sure you report them to the police. It's good to have that sort of thing on record.

As for the community...maybe it would be best to let him have them? Unless you feel they are a genuine support to you. Rather than just people he manipulates against you.

lemmeavabru · 20/09/2020 21:46

I believe you.

Advice; ditto what everyone said especially bunnymumy.

EmmelineP · 20/09/2020 21:47

I believe you too.
Can I suggest contacting your local women’s refuge, not necessarily to use them for accommodation, but that they will have loads of great advice for you on how to get things done, and counsellors and support for you and your children if you need it.
Stay strong x

AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 20/09/2020 21:53

I believe you.

My aunt went through this with her ex husband. They were members of a religious community where he was an elder. He was an evil bastard but never showed that side of himself outside the house... in fact to everyone else he was charm itself.

I’m sorry that you have been through this. You’ve done the right thing in leaving him.

Dillo10 · 20/09/2020 22:00

I believe you Flowers

In my experience the truth always reveals itself

His day will come

cheapskatemum · 20/09/2020 22:07

If your 7 year old DS is scared of him, he won’t be able to take the children away from you.

I believe you. I agree that a fresh start elsewhere may be just what you need. Start making your own truths.

DM0uze · 20/09/2020 22:12

Nobody knows what happens behind closed doors is true...

Lysianthus · 20/09/2020 22:26

I believe you too 💐

Geppili · 20/09/2020 22:30

I beleive you. Cake

willowmelangell · 20/09/2020 22:42

I believe youFlowers
My ex ordered me with threats not to talk about him to my friends or family. I did as I was told.
I know the truth of those 18 years.

It has really helped me to have MN to confide in.
It might help you too.

Hunted1000 · 20/09/2020 22:42

I believe you.

Those who don't are not worth any more of your time or respect.

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 20/09/2020 22:57

Community? No. Just no. Get out, away from that religion, away from him, away from them. You need a whole new world and you need to take your children to a whole new world. You need complete control over your immediate environment. You need a ruthless cutthroat solicitor and new friends. You need a new life.

You have been raped and beaten and abused. So getting as far away from him as you can is your most important task right now. Flowers

LunaTheCat · 20/09/2020 23:00

Well done in leaving - you are beyond brave.
Your children are lucky to have you.
In the end the truth will emerge.

Newernewist · 20/09/2020 23:02

I believe you too.
And he has no interest in taking the kids.
It's a last desperate abusive tactic.
He cant control or abuse you anymore so he is trying the abuse you as a mum technique. Make you doubt you are a good mum.
Its textbook, my ex followed the same pattern and I would predict lots of women have heard the same shitty script.
They always get bored.
Stay strong, who cares what he thinks, you know the truth, and in time your children will see it for themselves.
Dont barmouth him to them, dont lower yourself to his level, but they will work it out.

Swooningmonkey · 20/09/2020 23:05

I believe you op. Flowers

@BuggerBognor You shouldn’t have to put up with that.

Original poster
AztekFan · 20/09/2020 23:33

I don’t think he’d want them full time, you’re right Bunnymumy, but he tells me if I leave the religion, he’ll take the children. Whether he would, I’m not as sure but I know if he wanted to he would have the support of the whole community, including my parents. It’s a pretty scary thought, that he’d have an army of people behind him saying he’s a great dad and I’m a terrible mum.

Though one of the few people in my community who believes me is DSs teacher from last year after he wrote in his journal that ExH had ranted at me for hours and he’d been scared.

I don’t believe any of the religion any more, I attend the services to try not to make ExH angry but they make me feel sick, especially when he’s preaching in them. I don’t know why I’m still afraid to make him angrier, it’s so stupid. It does help to be able to type it, to get it out somewhere.

OP posts:
JontyDoggle37 · 20/09/2020 23:36

I believe you.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 20/09/2020 23:41

I believe you OP.

Is your religion/community quite marginalised? Abuse can thrive in situations like this because abusers will ramp up the "us v them" picture and say that any report of crime within the community will bring shame on the community, not just from within, but it will give outsiders ammunition to denounce us with.

That's how reporting a criminal to the police suddenly becomes a dilemma. But that's only to his benefit. Not yours.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 20/09/2020 23:44

Google "[your religion] domestic abuse" and you'll probably find a good few organisations that will help.

Thelnebriati · 20/09/2020 23:46

As far as your religious community goes he's painted himself into a corner; he can't make good on his threats without outing himself as an abusive liar.

Bunnymumy · 20/09/2020 23:49

Not believing the same thing as him is not reason for the law to give him your kids. Luckily we live in a country where law and religion are separate entities.

Army my ass. None of them will actually want to get involved in legal matters if push comes to shove (let alone lie!). Even if they did, a judge would take one look at them and go 'it's funny how all you people belong to the same religious establishment that the mother has chosen to leave... yeah there's totally not a conspiracy going on here...right xD'.

If you leave then theres less reason to see him. Do you have a friend or any family member you can trust who can do drop offs and pick ups of the kids? Then you'll never have to see the bastard again.

dublingirl66 · 20/09/2020 23:50

This is awful

Been there
My awful ex has a very public job
Saint to the public villain at home

Can you a) move well away from it all and
B) press charges?

If he looks for 50/50 custody it will be harder if there is a record of abuse

Love to you and your kids and well done

A happy peaceful life is starting for you now
And it is the best feeling ever despite all the bumpy parts that may be ahead

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 20/09/2020 23:50

He may have an army but not one the courts will believe. It's the oldest trick in the book to make someone feel like there's a whole ton of people who will stand up and say x and y and be believed. They won't. Your child's teacher will. Your GP will. His mum? No. Not in a million years.

His so called position of power means nothing. Preachers are the first to abuse their position of power. In the real world men like him are nothing. Get some help from a DV charity and think long and hard about what evidence you have of his abuse. The courts don't care about his abuse of you per se - bit it could stop his nasty little full custody game.

They all say that though. The reality is that they usually just fade away. Get away from that whole nasty scene as soon as you can.