Have I compromised too much - opinions please

[Willowygirl]

So to the scene, sorry this is long, we are not married but have a baby together. We live in an area he grew up a long way from where I grew up. Now to the several separate issues.
We have an adorable easy going baby but I am never away from them. I can count on one hand how many hours I have been without them since they were born. He goes out to work, to see his friends, do his hobby etc. My going out is taking the baby to a baby class. I suggested we maybe ask his family to look after the baby so we could go out for a couple of hours since that is one of the reasons he suggested we need to live so close to them. Anyway we aren’t going out as they are unable to but if we lived near my hometown we would have several babysitters and it would not be an issue. Moving onto my next issue....

I hate the fact that I no longer have a reason to look nice, I have all these lovely clothes that now never get worn, I’m no longer going to work or going out friends as they all live in my home town. I was thinking of doing an exercise class locally with the baby but am wondering what the point is, if I have no reason to look nice. It has been a year since I put a nice dress and heels on and went out completely care free. I don’t hate my figure but just miss dressing up whether that be for work, dinner, drinks. I don’t really suit casual clothes and I don’t like myself in them. A jumper and jeans are fine but the idea of only wearing those for the near future is just depressing. I know things are different now but the idea of just going out and being myself for a few hours now seems like something impossible. Next issue....

We have a baby together but he has said that we are not even close to becoming engaged. A baby is a bigger commitment apparently and yes it is but we had talked about it pre baby and he said he would get married again. We had another chat about engagement rings and any of them I liked he hated. Likes a simple standard ring, not my taste at all. There is nothing wrong with simple diamond and I’m not considering anything outrageous but I like ones that are slightly different, a twist in the band or the stone at an angle. His said he took his ex to several jewellers and she could choose whichever one she wanted. If we even get engaged then he will only get me a ring he likes and since I’m wearing it all the time it would be nice to have one I like. He has also said he would want a very small wedding. That is fine as I see it being about the marriage but again it would all be in his terms with what he likes and wants. I would like to get married before we have any more children and feel that will be on hold and I don’t have much time left, I want a large family but he doesn’t and feel this will be his way around it as I want marriage before anymore. Now for the next problem....,,

I live in his house that he owns, before I moved in his family wanted me to sign something to say that even though I’m paying towards the mortgage I’m not entitled to anything if we were to split. I didn’t sign anything but am not named on the mortgage despite still paying towards it and being on maternity leave. I also asked to have a small space in the spare room that would be for my hobby and got told no, so to sum up I live in this house he bought with his ex wife and I have no space to call my own. I spend so much time in the house that I didn’t choose in an area I didn’t choose with no plans to move and I didn’t think asking for this was unreasonable.

He has lots of lovely qualities, very loving towards me, listens when I have a problem or am upset with him and changes what he says or does if it has upset me. He adjusts his work to fit around us and has let me decorate the house, add things and we do go out a lot as a family but I just can’t help but feel I’m giving so much more, making more compromises, adjusting to fit into his lifestyle and his family and for what? No commitment to me, just the baby. I’m giving up ever moving back home to be near my friends and family and a career to raise children. Am I being unreasonable and are my expectations to high? When I try and talk to him about it he says I already lived in this part of the country which is true I did but it’s different when I had a career and could go out, see friends, travel back home and abroad whenever. I really love him and love how he as a person does do things to make happy, buys little things for me, cooks whatever I suggest, generous with his time and his affection, is honest and trustworthy, always keeps his word so I guess what I’m asking is should I overlook these things and focus on his actions which show how much he loves me as I know he really does.

It does sound like you've compromised a lot and he has compromised nothing at all. If he's not prepared to put you on the mortgage you shouldn't pay towards it. He should want you to have some security surely. Is there any way you can go stay with your family? I don't mean split up (only as I know it's not that simple) but just a few weeks somewhere with people who will look after baby & allow you time to see friends dress up again etc.

He’s actually got you over a barrel. All the nice trappings but with absolutely no security. Dressing up is the least of your problems.

Thank you for your reply. I can’t really go stay with my family just yet but it is a possibility in the future. I’m just feeling very uncertain about everything. I don’t want to split up but I know a relationship whereby I compromise on everything or just agree with things isn’t going to work out. I have talked to him about it, I don’t not tell him what I’m feeling and I don’t want to push him into anything. I’m not sure I would want a proposal and marriage if he felt like he was forced into it. I’m not sure we are ready for marriage if there are more compromises on my behalf.

When do you go back to work? And who will look after the baby then?

Having been through a horrible divorce myself, I can understand his family's desire to protect his assets but that's not very fair on the mother of his child!

I think you need to have a conversation with him about how you feel. He sounds a bit like my exh and is probably clueless about how something like denying you a small space in the house has made you feel.

You have done all the compromising here!

The baby will be going to nursery when I go back to work, I’m hoping to go back part time but my work is a little up in the air due to Covid.

Look go stay with your family for a month to work out what you want to do next - stay or go. Tell DH you feel unhappy as you don’t feel fully apart of things for different reasons and feel isolated from a career family security social life independent of baby

@RadioActiveBrain

Having been through a horrible divorce myself, I can understand his family's desire to protect his assets but that's not very fair on the mother of his child!

I think you need to have a conversation with him about how you feel. He sounds a bit like my exh and is probably clueless about how something like denying you a small space in the house has made you feel.

You have done all the compromising here!

The thing is I’m not after his assets, I have my own although not to his level but they are now limited with no possible level of becoming increased. Can I ask, how he did he react when you told him how you felt, you say he was clueless but did he listen after you told him and help make the changes?

I know you say work is 'up in the air due to Covid' but what does this mean & why are you only thinking of going back p/t?

As you are on maternity leave at present, your job is protected.

When should you go back?

This is where I'd start. Address the work situation and plan for a full-time role.

I find it worrying that you're thinking of going p/t with only one child. Regarding marriage, I wouldn't be rushing into this at all, at the moment, sort out your own personal security first.

While ypu are on maternity leave is the time to go and visit your family.

I would have a long chat about your vulnerable situation and, as the mother of his child, you are hurt by his lack of support. Je has no reason to change as, currently, everything is to his advantage and tjat does not a successful team make.

For ref, i once ledt my ex husband early in my marriage due to lack of support and feeling vulnerable. He immiadtely rejigged our finances to show his commitment to is and our baby. And we married with a full joint account. But i was a trailing spouse and he acknowledged that my career was suffering and my financial independence was suffering

No and that's why we are divorced :) but I would do things differently if I had a second chance because I also think I didn't communicate particularly well how badly I was feeling. I felt a bit like you and felt I had made all the compromises whereby he had got everything he wanted. But in hindsight, I do genuinely believe he did not realise how bad I was feeling and when I said I wanted to get divorced and couldn't see a way back he was truly shocked. I had left it too long by then and the relationship was definitely over.

You need to start doing things for yourself and you definitely need to start doing things as a couple. The way you feel is not unusual - I felt a lot better when I went back to work as I started feeling like 'me' again and that may work a bit for you but you do really need to get him to understand how you feel.

Stop paying towards the mortgage.

You should both have equal time away from the baby to do things you enjoy.

If he can’t see that these things are reasonable then I would move home.

The reason I am going back part time is one due to Covid, the work so far isn’t there, it doesn’t make financial sense for me to work full time, nursery is expensive and time wise the commute is long plus my job has unpredictable hours, could often over run. I would also like to see my baby and being out of the house 3 days a week for 14 hours is enough.

He sounds like my xh. Reasonable. Mr Reasonable. Look it up.

You are not just incurring nursery costs for now, it is an investment to your future working life. Why isn't he going part time to save nursery costs for example? Your career will suffer, his will not. That makes you even more financially vulnerable down the line

You're in a very bad position - you're paying for the mortgage but you're not named on it? WTF? You are compromising way too much, yes.

@Porridgeoat

Look go stay with your family for a month to work out what you want to do next - stay or go. Tell DH you feel unhappy as you don’t feel fully apart of things for different reasons and feel isolated from a career family security social life independent of baby

I agree with this.

I think it's a red flag that he is being so controlling about your ring and so you can't move forwards with your engagement. It's your ring, you're the one who's going to wear it! Rather than choosing his battles he sounds like an egotistical man child who needs to have everything his way, no matter how insignificant.

I think there a few issues here. You sound like wonderful mother but are being subtly controlled by him and his family. You are being treated like an outsider. Also, if his parents aren’t prepared to babysit, ,you need to make friends of your own and join things. Develop a social life. It’s not healthy being chained to your(his!) house. It is not Victorian times. I think you need to think about what your really want. Not being awful if you don’t get this right and end up with a large family you are really going to be trapped and even more isolated. This man doesn’t seem to be into compromise. Speak to your family and friends as this is not a great relationship x

Why doesn’t he look after the baby so that you can go out?

Yes it sounds like you are compromising a lot and the relationship is all about him being happy and having freedom and being secure.

You list all his good points and say he is generous. Is he generous enough to put you on the mortgage since you are paying for it? If he won’t that would honestly be a deal-breaker for me.

What would happen if you asked him to have the baby so you could go out? To an exercise class alone or a hobby to meet new people? It doesn't sound like he's had the baby alone for any length if time.

Go back to work full time. It’s your only sensible option.
Tell him you are saving for a deposit, since you aren’t getting married, and have no stake or rights in a house you are paying for

You really have no rights, and if he was run over tomorrow, his family would throw you out of this house your paying some of the mortgage for.

No matter how nice he is, he’s only thinking about himself, not you or your future.

Get full time work if you can and plan

You’re not your*

Your circumstances give me the jitters. Financially you have no security at all, and you are taking a hit in your career. Even if you continue to work full time, just the fact that you even have a child makes you a liability to an employer. For men the opposite is true: a man who has a baby has “responsibilities” and can be depended upon.

Without being married, you have zero claim on anything. You are literally pissing away money paying his mortgage. The whole nonsense of his family wanting you to sign something is just that; nonsense.

Focusing on rings and weddings at this stage is, I’m sorry, but it’s silly. You need to focus on the legal implications of your situation. I suspect he knows what he’s doing. “A baby is a bigger commitment” . It is, from you. But it’s not from him.

So at this point, my advice is to play hardball. Stop paying his mortgage and put that money into your pension. Arrange to see a solicitor with him to draw up the legal protections that your child will need in the event that he gets tired of playing happy families and moves on to partner number three, or dies. A solicitor can help you sort through the possibilities and options.

The reason he will not marry you is because he is not committed to you. You’re in the “for now” category. Don’t have more children with this man unless you’re prepared to support them on benefits and whatever badly paid work you can scrape up. A man who won’t let you have a spare room or your choice of ring isn’t going to a paragon when it cones to child maintenance payments.

Sorry to be harsh op. It’s genuinely meant more kindly.

Sorry but it doesn't sound like he is committed to you at all. Sounds like you live in his house only because you have a child together. The ring issue is him stalling.

You're good enough to have his baby and help pay his mortgage but not to have a toom in said house to do your hobby?
The word he 'allowed' you to decorate says it all really.