Have I compromised too much - opinions please

[Willowygirl]

So to the scene, sorry this is long, we are not married but have a baby together. We live in an area he grew up a long way from where I grew up. Now to the several separate issues.
We have an adorable easy going baby but I am never away from them. I can count on one hand how many hours I have been without them since they were born. He goes out to work, to see his friends, do his hobby etc. My going out is taking the baby to a baby class. I suggested we maybe ask his family to look after the baby so we could go out for a couple of hours since that is one of the reasons he suggested we need to live so close to them. Anyway we aren’t going out as they are unable to but if we lived near my hometown we would have several babysitters and it would not be an issue. Moving onto my next issue....

I hate the fact that I no longer have a reason to look nice, I have all these lovely clothes that now never get worn, I’m no longer going to work or going out friends as they all live in my home town. I was thinking of doing an exercise class locally with the baby but am wondering what the point is, if I have no reason to look nice. It has been a year since I put a nice dress and heels on and went out completely care free. I don’t hate my figure but just miss dressing up whether that be for work, dinner, drinks. I don’t really suit casual clothes and I don’t like myself in them. A jumper and jeans are fine but the idea of only wearing those for the near future is just depressing. I know things are different now but the idea of just going out and being myself for a few hours now seems like something impossible. Next issue....

We have a baby together but he has said that we are not even close to becoming engaged. A baby is a bigger commitment apparently and yes it is but we had talked about it pre baby and he said he would get married again. We had another chat about engagement rings and any of them I liked he hated. Likes a simple standard ring, not my taste at all. There is nothing wrong with simple diamond and I’m not considering anything outrageous but I like ones that are slightly different, a twist in the band or the stone at an angle. His said he took his ex to several jewellers and she could choose whichever one she wanted. If we even get engaged then he will only get me a ring he likes and since I’m wearing it all the time it would be nice to have one I like. He has also said he would want a very small wedding. That is fine as I see it being about the marriage but again it would all be in his terms with what he likes and wants. I would like to get married before we have any more children and feel that will be on hold and I don’t have much time left, I want a large family but he doesn’t and feel this will be his way around it as I want marriage before anymore. Now for the next problem....,,

I live in his house that he owns, before I moved in his family wanted me to sign something to say that even though I’m paying towards the mortgage I’m not entitled to anything if we were to split. I didn’t sign anything but am not named on the mortgage despite still paying towards it and being on maternity leave. I also asked to have a small space in the spare room that would be for my hobby and got told no, so to sum up I live in this house he bought with his ex wife and I have no space to call my own. I spend so much time in the house that I didn’t choose in an area I didn’t choose with no plans to move and I didn’t think asking for this was unreasonable.

He has lots of lovely qualities, very loving towards me, listens when I have a problem or am upset with him and changes what he says or does if it has upset me. He adjusts his work to fit around us and has let me decorate the house, add things and we do go out a lot as a family but I just can’t help but feel I’m giving so much more, making more compromises, adjusting to fit into his lifestyle and his family and for what? No commitment to me, just the baby. I’m giving up ever moving back home to be near my friends and family and a career to raise children. Am I being unreasonable and are my expectations to high? When I try and talk to him about it he says I already lived in this part of the country which is true I did but it’s different when I had a career and could go out, see friends, travel back home and abroad whenever. I really love him and love how he as a person does do things to make happy, buys little things for me, cooks whatever I suggest, generous with his time and his affection, is honest and trustworthy, always keeps his word so I guess what I’m asking is should I overlook these things and focus on his actions which show how much he loves me as I know he really does.

Please stop paying his mortgage. There’s nothing in it for you.

If you moved back home and rented, he would have to pay maintenance and you’d likely get some help towards rent from UC.

3 x 14hr days is full time.

He wants his cake and to eat it while you get a few crumbs. It’s not the actions of a loving man that’s for sure.

Take your baby and go home to your family.

@Willowygirl are you still paying half of his mortgage?

If you are, then this tells you all you need to know.

You share a DC, have moved to be with him and yet he goes out all the time and essentially leaves you holding the baby.

You’ve spoken to him and yet he dismisses your feelings.

You may love him, but he is selfish and you are there only to facilitate his life.

Sorry, but I’d go back to your family....it may just give him a wake up call to sort his shit out.

This is all kinds of wrong. But you’ve got a very weak hand, having already had a baby with him.

I’d lay out how you’re feeling. Lay out the financial facts of your situation. Give him a couple of workable options - you go to work full time, DC goes to nursery full time, you go on mortgage and share all bills OR go PT and you share all bills 70:30 or whatever the pro rata is for your respective salaries. I’d forgo the ring, wedding etc and say that you need the legal protection and book the registry office for sometime between now and Christmas and sort out all the other jazz later.

At the moment you have no secure home, no job security, less cash, no babyfree time and no hobby space. He’s aced this one. He sounds horrendous.

I’ve just re-read your OP @Willowygirl

My god, it’s actually worse than l thought.

He won’t let you choose ring as He will decide what style it is

He only wants a small wedding and hasn’t really taken on board any of your ideas about it

He wouldn’t let you have a small space in the house, even though you are living in a house he shared with his ex.....

You know resentment breeds contempt right? You are rightly resenting all the compromises you have had to make, which you’ll continue to do if you stay.

He may make nice meals and be generous with his time.

BUT! Everything (and l mean everything) is about what he wants.

I hate to say it but, he’s very controlling.

You need to leave.

How did the conversation go when he told you to pay half the mortgage? You didn't just volunteer that, did you?
Forget the rings, ring design and an engagement. The horse is out of the stable. It's set the date and plan a wedding time - but he isn't looking good as a husband.
Tell him today that you aren't contributing to his mortgage any more as you need to build a deposit for your own property.
Go back to your old job full time. Make him do the wrap around nursery care. You need the security. By all means, apply for better jobs but maintain your old one. It won't be easy to find another job in Covid times with so many unemployed candidates in the jobs pool. I think you are sleep-walking into a life of insecurity and if you aren't careful, you will be stuck there with no power. Consider applying for jobs near your family and getting a place there. You don't want to break up your family, but he had his chance to create a family, and instead he wanted a flatmate who would pay half the mortgage, have sex with him and take care of his child for free. Whilst hurting her career and being away from her friends and family.
You can say to him - it isn't splitting up, we're just doing long distance as this isn't working for me.

Stop paying the mortgage, why are you doing this when your name is not on the title and he refuses to even allow you to have some space in the house as your own?

Time to think about yourself and your child, be a strong woman.

He sounds like an monumental shithead with no redeeming qualities?

Quite apart from anything else, there are two of you, he goes out while you look after the baby — why doesn’t he look after the baby while you go out?

As PP have said, everything about this is wrong. You are in such a vulnerable position financially. You are a lodger in his house. If this were your home, you would have space for your hobby. Without question. He gives you polished up crumbs to keep you sweet but nothing major that you actually need. He’s so controlling he won’t let you have the engagement ring you want. He takes time for work AND hobbies while you’re constantly at home with your shared child. He needs to ditch his hobbies for now. That’s the reality of having a very small child at home. Time not spent working is spent with your child and partner with maybe the odd night out once a month or something. These fathers (and it is ALWAYS fathers but not ALL fathers - good ones don’t do this) who insist on taking lots of hobby time when they have tiny children at home really piss me off.

His family interfere to ‘protect’ him from you but won’t help with their grandchild. They all sound very materialistic and deeply lacking in humanity.

Do NOT go part-time. You cannot take the risk because you don’t have the protection. Marriage would protect you in these circumstances.

As PP have said, you are sleep-walking into a very vulnerable situation. How much planning went into having a baby? Because at the moment you have been left high and dry on the security front.

OP - you are going to have to get tough. He has found it all too easy to shut you down. You’re on mat leave. Take your baby. Go and stay with your family for a couple of weeks or a month. Tell him you need way more support than you’re getting. You need to be on the mortgage that you’re contributing to. You need to be married. You need help with your shared child. Stop accepting pretty but useless crumbs. You’re supposed to be a team now. His behaviour tells you otherwise.

Your post gave me the sad jitters.

My ex displayed EXACTLY some of the controlling behaviours you describe here, OP. Didn’t want a big wedding, didn’t like my taste in decor/rings. Didn’t want to spend too much money on an engagement ring or mark the occasion in any significant way etc. I also moved to be near to him and felt my quality of life diminish as he dismissed my concerns about being lonely and having to shoulder the rough end of the bargain (I had a huge commute).

There was always a reason or a logical explanation for his behaviour. But it left me seething with resentment as he casually trampled over my boundaries in his bid to be in control.

I’m not trying to hijack your thread, but I want you to understand that this man is subtly trying to control you to his own ends. Paying his mortgage when you’re not named on it? Ridiculous and insulting. And something that stood out to me was this phrase:

(He) ‘let me decorate the house, add things‘

OP, this is not your partner or friend, he’s your dictator. You’re raising his child and paying his mortgage and I feel you owe it to yours and your LO’s future happiness to lay down an ultimatum and/or seek legal advice to protect you and your child.

People who don’t and won’t compromise make terrible life partners and I have a funny feeling that, like me, you will find your sparkle when you’re no longer under his control.

Wishing you well.

Sorry just to clear some things up, he does look after the baby when I go out. The difficulty is it being Covid times and my hobbies have still not been allowed to start up. I also do not pay for half of the mortgage but pay about a third which includes the bills. He is very generous with money and understands I had higher travel costs and this arrangement was made a long time pre baby.
He has also actively encouraged time away from the baby and he is such a good dad.

I don't like the sound of this relationship at all. He is not committed and is giving you nothing. I would definitely go and stay with your family for an extended period and rethink your future and this relationship.

If he was committed to you and the baby he would be looking after the baby when you go out to do hobbies or activities. You would also expect that when you return to work that he can also pick up the baby from the nursery when you work late. But you seem to be implying that only you have an obligation to care for the baby. If he wanted to marry you you would choose your engagement ring, The fact he won't allow you to or you to have a little space in the house is designed deliberately to show that he controls the relationship and that you are not equal to him in the relationship. The fact that you have allowed yourself to accept this inherent inequality is seriously bad for you OP. I'm worried for you. You are literally bring left to hold the baby.

You have no power or equality in the relationship except that you are holding the baby. So go home and get your strength together to lay down some rules. If he wants to be in a relationship with you and the baby he needs to give you equal choice about how and where you live. He needs to commit equally to childcare and to allowing you to have friendships, hobbies and to go out whilst he cares for the baby.
He will pay his share of the childcare (and it may be a larger portion if he earns more) to enable you to maintain your career and independence. He needs to give you a stake in the house if you contribute to the mortgage - you should seek legal advice on this. And you should not return with the baby until he affords you these conditions. If he doesn't stay put and sort out somewhere to live, get the support you need from family and move on. Make sure too that you get him to pay you child support.

The fact that he has treated you so unfairly means I'm afraid, he is unlikely to suddenly change and treat you equally. But if he wants to be a father he needs to step up and change his approach. His casual misogyny and assumption of power over you is nasty and disgusts me. It should disgust you too.

He is not a good dad if he treats the mother this way.

I am going to ask to be put on the mortgage, I moved in before he was divorced but he had been separated and living alone for quite some time. It took a long time for it to go through.

Okay - things sound a bit less dire based on your update. But frankly not by much. You still don’t have financial security and he’s not “allowed” you space for your hobby in your own home. I mean - WTF? Can you not see how wrong that is?

His parents are apparently uninterested in their GC. I find that chilling, btw: we had 5 GPs in the picture when ours were tinies and they loved looking after them.

It’s still the case that you have compromised way too much even if he is a more hands-on dad than it first sounded.

He has everything his way and fobs you off by "compromising" on the small and irrelevant things.
Eg: you cant use a room for your hobby...but you can decorate the house.
You cant have a say in where you live...but he will listen to you talk about your problems.

Its imbalanced and I dont think you're compatible.
He wants to live somewhere, you want to live somewhere different.
You want a large family, he doesnt.
You want to get married, he doesnt.

Pack up tour shit and move home. He doesn’t deserve you. He’s controlling and abusive as are his family.

Oh there are some very helpful opinions, just to clarify, our relationship isn’t awful, we do lots together as a family, we do lots with both sets of families and friends and we both do things individually with friends. I was asking opinions on how we can make the relationship better, what works for other people etc. Definitely going on the mortgage is the way forward and now non-negotiable. It happens or we buy somewhere together will be my compromise.

You have compromised too much and sacrificed a lot for someone who has failed on his promises. Accept that he doesn’t want to get married and he doesn’t want you claiming ownership of his house. It wasn’t his family who came up with that ploy it was him. Arguing over the ring is a distraction to the fact he doesn’t want to marry you.
See this man for who he is and what he wants.

When in a hole stop digging. No more compromises and no more sacrifices.

Get your FT career back. Let him worry about childcare costs. You need to assume that you are going to be on your own financially. Even if he is in your life. If you want more children with him you need to be their breadwinner. You can’t afford PT and you should get on the property ladder.

Put boundaries in place. Make them non negotiable and stick to them. Make them about important things not trivia, wedding party size, ring shape and colour are inconsequential at this point in your relationship.
Simply state that per your previous agreement (having a baby), that you expect to be Married by xx date. That is non negotiable, failure to do that and you will be leaving.

Oh my OP...I really hope you do succeed in being firm with your partner. You are in an extremely vulnerable position at the moment.

Willowygirl

re your comment:-
"I also do not pay for half of the mortgage but pay about a third which includes the bills".

Why are you doing that?. Even paying a third is a third too much; you are not named on it!. He won't add you to his mortgage, agree to buy another property in joint names (I am certain his family will object given their behaviours) nor marry you; you are his "good enough for now" woman until you are not. Of course he will let you decorate his house (saves him having to pay out as well) so how nice of him NOT.

Stop growing flowers in the hole he has partially dug for you. Your own naivety and poor choice of man has also cost you very dearly and he has played you like a violin here. He certainly saw you coming and he has well and truly exploited you here. I assume too this child bears his surname; yet another bad move if so. You have handed over all your power and control to him far too willingly. He is not worthy of you sacrificing your life and future career over and you are in no financial position either to go part time. I would move out and return to live with your family. This relationship is over bar the shouting.

Women in poor relationships also write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man too. he is not a good dad to your child if he treats you like this.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Is this what you envisaged for yourself?. You are going to now have to dig your way out of this hole, this man won't be there for you.

Willowygirl
re your comment too:-

"He goes out to work, to see his friends, do his hobby etc. My going out is taking the baby to a baby class".

When do the two of you ever spend any time together?. His life has carried on regardless whilst yours has fundamentally altered. When do you ever go out yourself and or other than taking baby to a baby class?. You do not do you?.

Please take care of your financial security. I'd go back to work full time, save into a pension and if you are going to stay together, ensure you buy a house together. No more paying off HIS house.

Ask yourself, where will you be if he leaves you? Part time work, nowhere to live and whatever statutory child maintenance he deigns to give you. What does your budget look like then?

@Willowygirl

I think you have to hope for the best, but plan for the worst.

At the moment you are in a financially insecure position, especially with having a baby, which will very much affect your work options. At the moment you are paying off the mortgage on his property but have very little actual input on how you can use what is your home, if not hour house. Decorating really is a sop to you as that's all very surface level and easily and quickly reversed if he wishes. I'm glad you are going to have a serious conversation with him - I hope it goes well, but I also agree with PPs who say to stop paying his mortgage until you are in the mortgage/deeds. You can still contribute towards bills and I'm sure you do at least your fair share of the house management. Put the rest away in a separate account for when you need it.

You mentioned you have your own assets. Are they easily released if needed, eg: to provide a cash cushion if you needed to move out and get your own property?

Good luck for the future whatever you decide. 🌹