Have I compromised too much - opinions please

[Willowygirl]

So to the scene, sorry this is long, we are not married but have a baby together. We live in an area he grew up a long way from where I grew up. Now to the several separate issues.
We have an adorable easy going baby but I am never away from them. I can count on one hand how many hours I have been without them since they were born. He goes out to work, to see his friends, do his hobby etc. My going out is taking the baby to a baby class. I suggested we maybe ask his family to look after the baby so we could go out for a couple of hours since that is one of the reasons he suggested we need to live so close to them. Anyway we aren’t going out as they are unable to but if we lived near my hometown we would have several babysitters and it would not be an issue. Moving onto my next issue....

I hate the fact that I no longer have a reason to look nice, I have all these lovely clothes that now never get worn, I’m no longer going to work or going out friends as they all live in my home town. I was thinking of doing an exercise class locally with the baby but am wondering what the point is, if I have no reason to look nice. It has been a year since I put a nice dress and heels on and went out completely care free. I don’t hate my figure but just miss dressing up whether that be for work, dinner, drinks. I don’t really suit casual clothes and I don’t like myself in them. A jumper and jeans are fine but the idea of only wearing those for the near future is just depressing. I know things are different now but the idea of just going out and being myself for a few hours now seems like something impossible. Next issue....

We have a baby together but he has said that we are not even close to becoming engaged. A baby is a bigger commitment apparently and yes it is but we had talked about it pre baby and he said he would get married again. We had another chat about engagement rings and any of them I liked he hated. Likes a simple standard ring, not my taste at all. There is nothing wrong with simple diamond and I’m not considering anything outrageous but I like ones that are slightly different, a twist in the band or the stone at an angle. His said he took his ex to several jewellers and she could choose whichever one she wanted. If we even get engaged then he will only get me a ring he likes and since I’m wearing it all the time it would be nice to have one I like. He has also said he would want a very small wedding. That is fine as I see it being about the marriage but again it would all be in his terms with what he likes and wants. I would like to get married before we have any more children and feel that will be on hold and I don’t have much time left, I want a large family but he doesn’t and feel this will be his way around it as I want marriage before anymore. Now for the next problem....,,

I live in his house that he owns, before I moved in his family wanted me to sign something to say that even though I’m paying towards the mortgage I’m not entitled to anything if we were to split. I didn’t sign anything but am not named on the mortgage despite still paying towards it and being on maternity leave. I also asked to have a small space in the spare room that would be for my hobby and got told no, so to sum up I live in this house he bought with his ex wife and I have no space to call my own. I spend so much time in the house that I didn’t choose in an area I didn’t choose with no plans to move and I didn’t think asking for this was unreasonable.

He has lots of lovely qualities, very loving towards me, listens when I have a problem or am upset with him and changes what he says or does if it has upset me. He adjusts his work to fit around us and has let me decorate the house, add things and we do go out a lot as a family but I just can’t help but feel I’m giving so much more, making more compromises, adjusting to fit into his lifestyle and his family and for what? No commitment to me, just the baby. I’m giving up ever moving back home to be near my friends and family and a career to raise children. Am I being unreasonable and are my expectations to high? When I try and talk to him about it he says I already lived in this part of the country which is true I did but it’s different when I had a career and could go out, see friends, travel back home and abroad whenever. I really love him and love how he as a person does do things to make happy, buys little things for me, cooks whatever I suggest, generous with his time and his affection, is honest and trustworthy, always keeps his word so I guess what I’m asking is should I overlook these things and focus on his actions which show how much he loves me as I know he really does.

I don't think being on the mortgage should be your only goal because it's not that important. He also doesnt want to get married so you have to accept that. You have rightly picked up that his ex got the full treatment and you aren't. He doesn't see you as high enough value to want all that with you.

If it's all so lovely you need to work out what you DO want and then start telling not asking. You need to be more assertive and firm. I know men like this - they are lovely but will push and take as much as they can. To the point where huge resentment builds up but they don't see it. I think men are hardwired (or brought up) to believe that what they want is the most important thing. And to make sure they win by getting it.

When his winning is damaging your relationship then it's not a win after all. Start with the spare room. You are home all the time so tell him and do it one day when he's out. Don't spend money on the house either. You need to insist on one night a week out together too. And make some new friends.

I know he's nice - but he's not making you happy. Or else you wouldn't be here. So very nicely you need to start telling and stop asking. To start taking what you need instead of waiting to be given it. And to ensure you have enough money to start saving again.

focus on his actions which show how much he loves me as I know he really does.

You can't go out alone
You can't go out with him
You don't have your name on your home, despite paying towards it
You don't have a claim on the space in your home
You don't get a ring (even IF you ever get a ring) that you like

He wanted you to sign a waiver when you moved in
He won't marry you

I'm sorry op... what actions are telling you he loves you?

Gosh you're so so vulnerable.

He could chuck you out any day and you'd have nothing.
He could die unexpectedly, and you'd have nothing.

Get back to work full-time. He needs to pay half the childcare and take responsibility for half the pick ups and drop offs.

Otherwise you're shooting yourself in the foot for your career prospects, lifelong earning power and pension, while he feathers his nest off your unpaid labour.

All while treating you like a potential gold-digger and burden, the hypocritical tight-arsed shite!

yip agree with everyone on here, you are being quietly controlled and manipulated. I mean the engagement ring issue WTF, it's your Ring your choice. The mind boggles. 🌺

MN threads on relationships are generally peppered with LTB posts for good reasons but if you’re looking for relationship advice mine is that, ime, good relationships improve when you have high self worth and good boundaries.
Dh and I had to work through financial issues, figure out how to split family labour, balance paid and unpaid contributions. In the beginning I had absorbed a lot of, frankly dangerous, cultural notions about being easy going, cool, in love, supporting him, being a devoted mother, etc. And he came from a family, with a family business, all financially enmeshed with each other, and a deep suspicion of outsiders.
We all bring weird baggage to relationships and it’s only by being exposed to new ideas that we learn. I had a lot of ideas about men and relationships that I learned growing up with an emotional abusive, financially controlling df. The brilliant women of MN opened my eyes and made me realise that it wasn’t normal, and certainly not acceptable. And as I started to take my contribution to our family more seriously, dh did too. He had to learn that his first responsibility as a father is providing financial safeguards for his dc, for all eventualities including his own future actions.
You won’t damage a fundamentally good relationship by sound financial planning. You may help him see his blind spots. If he genuinely is a decent and generous man, then prioritising your pension, increasing your security by putting you on the mortgage and supporting you fully in building your career will be the evidence of this.

Agree that you’re very vulnerable. You need to be thinking about what would happen if you split up. Right now you’d have no claim on anything, despite having paid into the house.

Going back to work is a good move though.

Just a guess, and may not be relevant, but is he much older than you? I feel like there’s an odd dynamic and I wonder if that’s why.

If it helps OP, maybe try framing it to him in terms of what if he tragically died in an accident? The way things are, you and DC would be utterly screwed. He should be shocked into making major changes to protect you both...and if he's not, I think that tells you everything you need to know.

He's screwing over your financial security while dangling an ever-distant wedding to keep you hoping. Are you still paying into his mortgage when you currently have no income because you're doing childcare? Who pays for the baby's things?

Why have you allowed yourself to be so vulnerable? Ultimatum time - marriage and mortgage or you walk.

@Willowygirl

Oh there are some very helpful opinions, just to clarify, our relationship isn’t awful, we do lots together as a family, we do lots with both sets of families and friends and we both do things individually with friends. I was asking opinions on how we can make the relationship better, what works for other people etc. Definitely going on the mortgage is the way forward and now non-negotiable. It happens or we buy somewhere together will be my compromise.

Good for you willowy girl. Please do not budge on this.

I also think you should let him know that marriage is a non-negotiable and be prepared to walk away if he doesn't want it.

I’m torn op. It could be that you’re in a potentially very controlling relationship; it could be that you need to just be more forthcoming about standing up for what you want.

What happens if you say you want to be on the mortgage? If he says you can’t how about suggesting putting that money in a savings account for you? If you stay together or get married you can share the money, if not you have a nest egg.

You talk about rings a lot which really isn’t important, unless it’s very symptomatic of him being a controlling arse but it doesn’t really seem that’s what you think?

In terms of marriage I think it’s good to set your expectations up front. Lots of people don’t believe in marriage which is fair enough. And I do agree in many ways having a baby is a bigger commitment.

I also think you should be firmer in going out and in making sure you keep up with friends and family. That’s on you if he’s not stopping you from doing it.

I feel like Mumsnet automatically goes for the ‘controlling arse’ perspective when it’s not necessarily the truth. You do sound like a bit of a martyr in some parts of your post so I would say to be more upfront and to stick up for yourself more. If it makes him defensive and angry and he won’t budge then consider ltb.

@differentnameforthis

focus on his actions which show how much he loves me as I know he really does.

You can't go out alone
You can't go out with him
You don't have your name on your home, despite paying towards it
You don't have a claim on the space in your home
You don't get a ring (even IF you ever get a ring) that you like

He wanted you to sign a waiver when you moved in
He won't marry you

I'm sorry op... what actions are telling you he loves you?

OP,

You sound very young and naive.

You had a child with a man who doesn't think you are anywhere near the engagement stage...WTF.

Your relationship bar and self respect must be on the floor to not get how disrespectful of you this is.

You are in a very vulnerable situation with a man who has HIS best interests at heart.

You are determined to convince yourself that this is a good relationship.

You moved far away to have a baby with someone who doesn't believe you are good enough for an engagement ring.

Just WOW!

Keep insisting he's wonderful until the penny drops.

In the meantime, how about saving money so when you eventually want to get away you have funds.

For goodness sake will you sort your contraception so that you don't have another baby, miles from your support with a man who is obviously extremely controlling.

Protect yourself.
You are naive and vulnerable.
Both awful positions for your poor baby.

@billy1966 she says she’s not doing her hobbies because of covid but that he is more than happy to look after the baby when she does go out.

She says she hasn’t asked to be put on the mortgage yet

Also plenty of people have kids and don’t get married

I think you’re over egging it tbh

(I do think you should work after mat leave though op, just in case he is controlling and it does all go down the loo. But I think that it’s good for all women to have some sort of independent revenue personally just in case)

Don't be so available to him. Get yourself to a fitness class - you will smile again, feel better, have more energy, and it will be great for you mental, physical and social health.
You don't need a babysitter - baby's father can do some parenting.

To put it bluntly

You are both single

You are both parents

He has a mortgage, you pay towards rent & bills

You are financially vulnerable by not working full time

Does he see you as an equal ?

Protect your own future

OP, you talks about compromise, but actually all you've done is sacrifice.

Compromise is meeting someone half-way and each of you making concessions.

Where has he made a single one?!

• You moved to be with him, away from family and friends support.
• You've been paying into his mortgage, with no claim on the property.
• You're intending to work part-time to take care of your joint child, who you both wanted and planned, which is sacrificing your long-term earning power, career trajectory and pension provision, while his career remains completely on track and unaffected.
• You will almost certainly facilitate his career with your unpaid labour of childcare. Because his is the Big Job now, he'll take this for granted, and any childcare he does will be a big deal.

All this and you have zero security.

you talk, not talks oh dear.

But isn’t the ring thing a total deal breaker for the whole relationship? Just having a conversation with a guy who says that marriage is dependent on your wearing, on your finger, a ring he likes, which you won’t like. Isn’t that an instant well I’d be wearing it, so that’s absolutely ridiculous. I’m worth more than that, that isn’t even treating me like a person, I’m moving back home where at least my family will help with baby unlike yours despite all your promises.
I mean how do you get past being treated like that? In my world if the guy has carefully chosen a ring and the woman doesn’t love it, back they go and change it for one she does.

It is not so much the mortgage as the assets and rights.

What percentage of the property will be yours?

Should this vary with earnings? Why are you going part time and him not?

The key thing to remember is that legally you are a lodger and at best you can become part owner of a shared property. You are housemates. If a housemate suggested you reduce your career options to cook their dinner more often and they promise ever so nicely to always support you, would you do it? Of course you wouldn't.

Stop making decisions like you are married. Make decisions like you are living with a flatmate who may or may not stick around.

Well yeah, it is quite indicative of his attitude, isn't it?

She's the one who is going to be wearing it, and surely when you're buying a ring for someone for them to wear longterm, you would want them to absolutely love it?

Why would he make the ring about a performance of his taste over hers?

He said you're ages away from.being engaged?

And he will only buy you an engagement ring that HE likes?
Why? That is so strange.

Why won't he ' let' you have space for your hobby?

Both those things are quite mean. He knows you've been cut off socially, knows that you can't do your hobby, but isn't kind enough to ' give' you space?

That all seems really awful

Definitely going on the mortgage is the way forward and now non-negotiable. It happens or we buy somewhere together will be my compromise.

Unlikely to be his compromise. There is a third option he'll choose.

Without marriage you have zero legal protection or property rights regardless of what you pay. Either stop bickering about the engagement ring and get married for financial security or cut your losses and leave. Your partner sounds very controlling and unwilling to parent or support you. Why did you choose to have a baby with him?