Love late in life

[MrsChristmas123]

Hi there

I have been lurking here a while and read so many stories just like mine just feel the need to talk to someone.

I'm in my 60s and have just moved a new area having bought a cottage here that I am intending to renovate. I have no friends or family (they all live a long way away) but intend to join in the community and find friends that way. I am very sociable!

It is very much a new start for me, having left my previous place after 34 years.

My problem is a man friend that I met several months ago who has been very supportive, kind and helpful. He shares a house with several other people and has a pension from previous work but now medically retired.

He helped me negotiate the price that I should offer on my house (his family live nearby so he knows the area well) and offered to carry out the renovations (about 2 months work I would guess). I offered many times to pay for his time (he has renovated many houses in the past) but all he says is that I should feed him every night. I am paying for all the materials.

I have met his Mum and I voiced my concerns to her saying that I was not comfortable just accepting free labour and had always paid in the past. She said the same that I should just cook for him every night whilst he is working in my house.

We are fond of each other but there has not been a full sexual relationship because I am not sure that this is what I want now. I have lived on my own for so long and have got used to my own company.

My male friend is now starting to pressure me to sleep with him now as well wanting to think about living together in a couple of years. When I say I'm not ready for any sort of commitment he says that he is joking. He says that he not bothered about sex but would like to stay over.

I have only known him a few months and he is not talking about wanting to marry me one day! It is very flattering but quite frankly I just want a companion now. I know this sounds boring but that's me.

We've never discussed finances and I have no idea about his financial situation although he tells that he has restored many houses and sold them at a profit. He says that he never pays tax, 'has a lot of fingers in a lot of pies'...think Rodney out 'fools and horses'!

I just feel that things are just moving far to fast for me although he is good company and wants to see me every day.

He fantasises what it would be like when we live together one day, all the renovations that he is going to do my house. I think he is reasonably happy living in a bedsit (he was travelling around Europe for a while) and has no problems with paying his bills. He is going to be 60 next year.

I guess I've just got carried away with it all and now I'm not sure how I can slow things down! He says that he loves me and wants to be with me all of the time but I just find it so claustrophobic because I'm an introvert and desperately need my own space.

This sounds very moany I know because I'm lucky that I've moved to lovely area and was able to buy my little cottage outright. I guess I had this idea of spending the rest of my life pottering about, meeting people and learning new hobbies.

I hadn't planned on such a relationship but he is planning on living with me full time one day and possibly marriage. He has been married three times before..first wife died, second wife went of with another man and the third assaulted him.

When I say to him that I feel pressured, that we've only know each months, can we slow things down and live for the moment, that I just want to move into my cottage and enjoy it he gets tetchy.

I'm living in rented accommodation with my stuff in store and a few bags in his bedsit which he says that he perfectly happy to look after for me.

I have offered many times to pay for his work but he is now getting very short with me because he is looking forward to making my cottage lovely for me. All he wants is to be fed because he hates cooking and the occasional overnight stay...(whatever that means).

I guess I'm just very wary (having read all of the posts on here about cocklodgers) and just so worried that once he starts staying over night I would find it hard to get him to leave. This sounds so cynical I know.

We get on well together, he's good fun but says that he cannot afford to go out much so we mostly do things that are free.

Recently I decided to have a day to myself and he just kept saying how much he missed me. The next day he was very bossy with me telling me that if he is going to work on my house he doesn't want to be paid but wants food, drinks and to sleep in my bed.

There is only about three weeks until I move in and I am seriously thinking of finishing the relationship when I've moved.

What should I do?

Don't be surprised if he contacts you again like nothing happened. Blokes like this tend to either "decide to give you another chance" and expect you to be overjoyed and very very grateful, or just reappear and act as if nothing was said.

Well done. I wouldn't contact him and I would block him now. I doubt he's ready to give up, that " I love you" is a blatant attempt to reel you back in. He's manipulative and has very likely done this before

Well done OP :-) I think it's okay to make the police aware if you feel it would help you - given the background, it's enough that he has been aggressive towards you and you feel threatened. It's up to you, but don't hesitate to seek support if you need it.

@category12

Don't be surprised if he contacts you again like nothing happened. Blokes like this tend to either "decide to give you another chance" and expect you to be overjoyed and very very grateful, or just reappear and act as if nothing was said.

I was thinking the same thing - they "dump" you so that you will feel devastated and try harder to get you back.

Security camera or one of those Ring doorbells would be good.

@MrsChristmas123 Well done. Please don't be alone with him again- he's creepy in every way; trying to say he has a right to sleep in your bed etc (!) and everything else.

I don't believe his ex assaulted him, more likely he assaulted her, especially as he has a previous history of assault.

I also think the medical grounds on which he retired may be partly mental.

If he calls round, don't let him in.

Well done again and enjoy your new life. xxx

I'm just reading this now and so glad to hear you've finished with him.

The cheek of him laying down conditions like that. I think a sleepover would have been a traumatic experience given he has no respect for your boundaries.

If (when!) he contacts you again I would send one message saying you don't want to stay in touch, best of luck and please do not contact me again. Then if (when!) he continues, do not answer and ask the police for advice.

Good luck with the new home.

I have no doubt he "loves" you.
Some men consider a proprietory feeling over a woman to be "love" - which of course is utter shite for the poor woman he thinks he now owns.

How did you get on?

I get why you keep him around even though you're not keen. I'm 39 and i've been on my own for 6 years and I can see how i'll reach the "any man is better than no man" stage pretty soon. I never meet any men anyway but the ones i do meet are either married or there's no interest on either side.

I'm not saying you''ll be alone if you get rid, but it's a possibility. I think if i was facing thirty odd years with this chancer vs being alone i'd take the latter.

I've read all sorts of posts here, but never have I seen so many red flags. This post should be used a textbook example of what to avoid -

Recently I decided to have a day to myself and he just kept saying how much he missed me. The next day he was very bossy with me telling me that if he is going to work on my house he doesn't want to be paid but wants food, drinks and to sleep in my bed.

Errr......sorry.......WHAT???????

What he's telling you is that he wants you to pay him through sex. 'Sharing a bed'........for fuck's sake. Can't imagine what he was like with this ex wives, but more on that later......

He is NOT your friend. I don't think he cares about you, even if he's doing things for you. He is doing things for you in a very transactional way. He's even laid it out - I do xyz for you, and you do xyz (oh yes, and sex) for me. There's not much room for genuine love or care in that.

I have only known him a few months and he is not talking about wanting to marry me one day!

I hadn't planned on such a relationship but he is planning on living with me full time one day and possibly marriage.

Yes - it sounds like you don't have much choice in the matter. This is all to do with him and what his dreams are. He is simply not listening to you because your wishes simply don't count when they are at odds with his.

Are you a person who has difficulties asserting themsleves? Would describe yourself as empathic, kind, and very conflict averse? There's something about the tone and content of your email that makes me think he'll become abusive if he moves in and he'll end up trampling all over you. If he knows the area better than you, I can see him right now trying to control access to you from others.

He says that he never pays tax, 'has a lot of fingers in a lot of pies'.......think Rodney out 'fools and horses'!

Avoid avoid avoid. Don't get married, don't let him move in, don't tie your finances together.

I have no idea about his financial situation although he tells that he has restored many houses and sold them at a profit

I think he is reasonably happy living in a bedsit (he was travelling around Europe for a while) and has no problems with paying his bills

Oh really? People who make money out of restoring houses and who make good profit generally don't, if hardly ever, live in bedsits. They are wealthy enough to afford their own houses.

How long was he travelling Europe for? Does he have any photos that can verify this or tell you how long this was for? As in months rather than singular short holidays in various places over the years?

He has been married three times before..first wife died, second wife went off with another man and the third assaulted him.

Right......he might be just really unlucky then.......or all of his wives were the ones who were unlucky and he is lining you up to be the fourth!

@RuffleCrow

I get why you keep him around even though you're not keen. I'm 39 and i've been on my own for 6 years and I can see how i'll reach the "any man is better than no man" stage pretty soon. I never meet any men anyway but the ones i do meet are either married or there's no interest on either side.

I'm not saying you''ll be alone if you get rid, but it's a possibility. I think if i was facing thirty odd years with this chancer vs being alone i'd take the latter.

I'd rather be alone, and she sounds like she would be happier being alone too. She already copes well and has the benefit of being an introvert.

See my above post.