Love late in life

[MrsChristmas123]

Hi there

I have been lurking here a while and read so many stories just like mine just feel the need to talk to someone.

I'm in my 60s and have just moved a new area having bought a cottage here that I am intending to renovate. I have no friends or family (they all live a long way away) but intend to join in the community and find friends that way. I am very sociable!

It is very much a new start for me, having left my previous place after 34 years.

My problem is a man friend that I met several months ago who has been very supportive, kind and helpful. He shares a house with several other people and has a pension from previous work but now medically retired.

He helped me negotiate the price that I should offer on my house (his family live nearby so he knows the area well) and offered to carry out the renovations (about 2 months work I would guess). I offered many times to pay for his time (he has renovated many houses in the past) but all he says is that I should feed him every night. I am paying for all the materials.

I have met his Mum and I voiced my concerns to her saying that I was not comfortable just accepting free labour and had always paid in the past. She said the same that I should just cook for him every night whilst he is working in my house.

We are fond of each other but there has not been a full sexual relationship because I am not sure that this is what I want now. I have lived on my own for so long and have got used to my own company.

My male friend is now starting to pressure me to sleep with him now as well wanting to think about living together in a couple of years. When I say I'm not ready for any sort of commitment he says that he is joking. He says that he not bothered about sex but would like to stay over.

I have only known him a few months and he is not talking about wanting to marry me one day! It is very flattering but quite frankly I just want a companion now. I know this sounds boring but that's me.

We've never discussed finances and I have no idea about his financial situation although he tells that he has restored many houses and sold them at a profit. He says that he never pays tax, 'has a lot of fingers in a lot of pies'...think Rodney out 'fools and horses'!

I just feel that things are just moving far to fast for me although he is good company and wants to see me every day.

He fantasises what it would be like when we live together one day, all the renovations that he is going to do my house. I think he is reasonably happy living in a bedsit (he was travelling around Europe for a while) and has no problems with paying his bills. He is going to be 60 next year.

I guess I've just got carried away with it all and now I'm not sure how I can slow things down! He says that he loves me and wants to be with me all of the time but I just find it so claustrophobic because I'm an introvert and desperately need my own space.

This sounds very moany I know because I'm lucky that I've moved to lovely area and was able to buy my little cottage outright. I guess I had this idea of spending the rest of my life pottering about, meeting people and learning new hobbies.

I hadn't planned on such a relationship but he is planning on living with me full time one day and possibly marriage. He has been married three times before..first wife died, second wife went of with another man and the third assaulted him.

When I say to him that I feel pressured, that we've only know each months, can we slow things down and live for the moment, that I just want to move into my cottage and enjoy it he gets tetchy.

I'm living in rented accommodation with my stuff in store and a few bags in his bedsit which he says that he perfectly happy to look after for me.

I have offered many times to pay for his work but he is now getting very short with me because he is looking forward to making my cottage lovely for me. All he wants is to be fed because he hates cooking and the occasional overnight stay...(whatever that means).

I guess I'm just very wary (having read all of the posts on here about cocklodgers) and just so worried that once he starts staying over night I would find it hard to get him to leave. This sounds so cynical I know.

We get on well together, he's good fun but says that he cannot afford to go out much so we mostly do things that are free.

Recently I decided to have a day to myself and he just kept saying how much he missed me. The next day he was very bossy with me telling me that if he is going to work on my house he doesn't want to be paid but wants food, drinks and to sleep in my bed.

There is only about three weeks until I move in and I am seriously thinking of finishing the relationship when I've moved.

What should I do?

The phone sounds the best option, even if you end up without your things. Or collect them before.

How important is the stuff in the bags? It might be a good idea to pick up the stuff before you end it. You don’t want him to have an excuse to call round.

This reminds me very much of a situation I was in with the unwanted favours etc. I told him I didn’t want to see him any more and he arranged to call to collect a bag of his stuff at a certain time. I thought I would go out a couple of hours earlier so I wouldn’t have to see him. I opened my front door, put the bag on the doorstep, turned round to get my coat and he was in my hallway. He had turned up early even though he lived 30 miles away.

A lot more to the story after that but he did not go quietly.

I wouldn’t give him any long explanation. Say that you don’t want a relationship & don’t want to remain friends. Be pleasant but firm. Get your stuff & make sure he doesn’t have a key.

Do you have any friends that could stay with you?

Collect your bags - think of a plausible excuse ( you need some paperwork that’s in them for the solicitor / your kettle is broken and your spare is in a box / anything ).

Then meet him in a a public place and say what PP suggested.

Can I just add that you have good instincts, which is hard after an abusive marriage . You knew something was wrong and you trusted your own feelings.

And you were smart enough to come on here to ask for advice and you are listening.

I know you are scared of him but you are doing really well.

Have you looked at local Meet Up groups? You might quickly find some local allies who can support you. It's not a dating agency but for shared interests and friendship.

I found it invaluable when I moved areas.

He sounds very difficult and potentially dangerous. Of course his mum thinks it's a great idea - she'd be feeding him every night if you weren't.

I'd get the bags first - I'm sure you can think of some excuse as to why you need them now. And maybe get someone to go with you to help carry them (ie. to keep an eye on him).
Then go home and end it with this guy once and for all. Block on everything.
I was very relieved to see that the house renovations have not begun yet. He could have held this against you etcetc.

The "love late in life" title was a bit of a red herring. The same rules apply at any stage in life - if you feel uncomfortable with something, if you see red flags, if someone does not accept your boundaries - you end the relationship.
There are plenty of cocklodgers of all ages around. Single women owning or about to buy their own property are targets for these types. I have survived two cocklodgers. I will never let this happen again.You have to be very very careful as an independent woman that you don't get someone taking advantage of you financially like that. Steer clear of older people living in houses of multiple occupation - I'm sorry that I sound prejudiced etc. - but it's just asking for trouble if someone is 60 and in that position. You really have to ask why and ask what they are looking for in a relationship. Is it really love? Or is it a convenient way to ensure they have a home to live in in their later years.

He sounds like a hobosexual - a person who has/tries to have a sexual relationship with someone just to live in their home.

thank you every one for your kind words and advice.

Wish me luck.

xx

Good luck, OP. This man is very, very bad news.

Oh OP, can't you leave the bags? He sounds unhinged.

I had a run in with a late in life cocklodger. I was 56 - I met him when he came round to buy an old table. He was very charming, ex musician turned junk/antique dealer, no money, lodging with his son in a tiny council flat. We had a lot in common and a lot of fun.

He did move in. I was paying for everything, in return he did stuff (badly) about the house and bought a lot of antiques and interesting things for me. I think I was so amazed at this experience that I let it happen. Great sex to begin with, but then that started to slip.

I won't go into detail, but one holiday I just had enough and ended it. It was very difficult because I did love him. But 2 years on, looking back - I did the right thing, he was a cock lodger. The house, my money etc, was a way out for him, His previous partner had clearly been devalued to 'host' status, he said he "didn't love her and they hadn't had sex in 3 years" - but yet she had the house and money etc, which didn't seem to count for anything - and I realised that was where we were heading.

I made sure I paid my ex for a sale of some stuff, even though I could have argued he owed me a hell of a lot more financially. But to be honest I just wanted to end it respectfully. However, he never got nasty - as I knew he wouldn't. He wasn't a bad guy and he did love me as much as he could ("I love you more than all of 'them'! " he said once) - that's just how he had lived. Women were to some extent 'resources' to him.

I don't like the sound of your guy. He sounds quite powerful. And you sound like me, generous and trusting mostly. You need to extricate yourself very very firmly from this - don't go into detail, don't explain. I have absolutely no doubt there will be a history of this type of pattern with him. He thinks he's landed on his feet and is pushing for a resolution. This makes me think he's not a very conscious premeditated User. More just the way he is - pushy, exploitative. If he was really really clever he would hold back and not show his hand.

He isn't entitled to a damned thing OP. You don't start giving him sex in exchange for work done on the house.
You asked him if he wanted payment and he said no just food and if he starts badgering you for "sleepovers" or sex I'd quite frankly tell him that I am not a prostitute and sex has never been on the cards.
Quite honestly this is why I don't let men do anything for me anymore without monetary payment - we are in the same boat.
I have a similar friend and I don't allow any favours because I don't fancy myself in this situation.
Mind you I can be very blunt, I'd just say no.
You owe him nothing and you need to put the breaks on this situation right now.
When he offers to do more work, say you've got someone over to do this, tell him outright you are not looking for a relationship right now and you think you should both have a cool off period.
This "relationship" which you don't want sounds like it's rapidly becoming toxic, abusive and manipulative and it needs to end.
If you give an inch he will take a mile and you will end up with a situation that you definitely don't want.

Why is he living in a bed sit if he has renovated and sold houses?

Oh and

"He has been married three times before..first wife died, second wife went of with another man and the third assaulted him."

That's his narrative. All conveniently different. However I also can't help feeling anyone married more than twice is careless, reckless or thoughtless or all three.

Do you have a son or son in law or other friend who can come with you when you meet him? This guy is clearly abusive and unfortunately knows exactly where you live. I would buy yourself a big dog and once someone accompanies you to get the stuff that belongs to you, I would pay him cash (include an invoice for all work/materials done so far) and make it clear that any connection you had is now over. I would actually see if family or friends can stay with you for a while until he totally gets the message. After you get your stuff from him you can even give the money & invoice to his mum if he refuses it. If anyone can stay with you for a while (male or female) I would recommend it. You don't have to explain yourself or give any reasons to him why you are choosing to take these steps, don't let him create a FOG (Fear, Obligation & Guilt) of manipulation around this connection with him. You owe him NOTHING.

The practical tips in @Wishingstarr’s post sound very sensible. You might find it helpful to take as many of those steps as possible.

Run away!!
He's no good. He's manipulative and well dodgy.

Get rid of him, get a proper builder who you pay and have a clear, professional relationship with and one day if you want to, look for a relationship elsewhere.

But not with him.

Christ Almighty! Get rid of him right now! How dare he trample your boundaries and inveigle his way into your life. Please don’t feel obliged to be nice to him, he’s seen you coming and is planning a comfortable cocklodger life.

Please read 'Falling' by Elizabeth Jane Howard; what you describe is the exact same story, except it gets a lot worse... it's also a great read and will help you get more determined.

This reminds me of the novelist Elizabeth Jane Howard’s experience which she wrote a novel about.
When this man says his third wife ‘assaulted’ him I wonder if the roles were reversed.
He sounds seriously creepy.

I guess I'm just very wary (having read all of the posts on here about cocklodgers) and just so worried that once he starts staying over night I would find it hard to get him to leave. This sounds so cynical I know.

Listen to your gut. He isn't respecting what you are saying to him and you barely know him.

Can you not tell him that you’ve met someone? Perhaps a Police Officer or body builder type? Therefore you think it’s best to cut all contact?

He sounds dreadful. You really must be strong about having nothing further to do with him for your own safety and sanity.

Good luck with your house move and new life.

Good luck OP. He sounds like a very manipulative man and you will be best off far away from him. I agree with pp that you might even be wise to pull out of the house if you don't have any local support. Take care

This sounds dreadful OP. You need to say something that will properly get rid of him, as he knows where you live. He's scary.

It sounds like sex is important to him so perhaps that's an in. Could you tell him you are unable to have sex...because of an operation you've had or something? Or that you are currently having treatment for something and have been told to shield. See no one.
Or you're a Born Again Christian? Celibate?

If there's nothing pressing in those bags, leave that for now and if needs be, the police can go and get them later.

I've known him around 3 months met through online dating (I know-what an idiot -there is no fool like old fool!).
You're not a fool; you realised something was weird and you're sorting it out. Neither is online dating foolish, or hoping to have a relationship in your 60s. But you may be at a disadvantage if your past relationships have been poor, so you don't trust your gut feeling.

You've only known him a few months. It is totally normal to date someone briefly then call it off. You haven't led him on, you don't owe him anything. If he suggests anything of the kind, he's trying it on.
Given that he seems aggressive, personally I would go in the direction of "I've decided I'm not ready for a relationship with anyone, it's too soon", "I need to work on my independence", "You're a great guy and I don't want to waste your time", and make it quite light and breezy as if you think he wasn't that keen on you anyway, was joking about living together etc. and won't be bothered, so he can save face.

I wouldn't claim to have met someone, in fact I'd make sure not to meet anyone soon, and be very obviously single in the community, or he could claim you were two-timing him.

I wonder if he was really travelling around Europe, or if that is the story used to cover up e.g. time in prison, with all this "finger in pies" business. I'd be careful.