Love late in life

[MrsChristmas123]

Hi there

I have been lurking here a while and read so many stories just like mine just feel the need to talk to someone.

I'm in my 60s and have just moved a new area having bought a cottage here that I am intending to renovate. I have no friends or family (they all live a long way away) but intend to join in the community and find friends that way. I am very sociable!

It is very much a new start for me, having left my previous place after 34 years.

My problem is a man friend that I met several months ago who has been very supportive, kind and helpful. He shares a house with several other people and has a pension from previous work but now medically retired.

He helped me negotiate the price that I should offer on my house (his family live nearby so he knows the area well) and offered to carry out the renovations (about 2 months work I would guess). I offered many times to pay for his time (he has renovated many houses in the past) but all he says is that I should feed him every night. I am paying for all the materials.

I have met his Mum and I voiced my concerns to her saying that I was not comfortable just accepting free labour and had always paid in the past. She said the same that I should just cook for him every night whilst he is working in my house.

We are fond of each other but there has not been a full sexual relationship because I am not sure that this is what I want now. I have lived on my own for so long and have got used to my own company.

My male friend is now starting to pressure me to sleep with him now as well wanting to think about living together in a couple of years. When I say I'm not ready for any sort of commitment he says that he is joking. He says that he not bothered about sex but would like to stay over.

I have only known him a few months and he is not talking about wanting to marry me one day! It is very flattering but quite frankly I just want a companion now. I know this sounds boring but that's me.

We've never discussed finances and I have no idea about his financial situation although he tells that he has restored many houses and sold them at a profit. He says that he never pays tax, 'has a lot of fingers in a lot of pies'...think Rodney out 'fools and horses'!

I just feel that things are just moving far to fast for me although he is good company and wants to see me every day.

He fantasises what it would be like when we live together one day, all the renovations that he is going to do my house. I think he is reasonably happy living in a bedsit (he was travelling around Europe for a while) and has no problems with paying his bills. He is going to be 60 next year.

I guess I've just got carried away with it all and now I'm not sure how I can slow things down! He says that he loves me and wants to be with me all of the time but I just find it so claustrophobic because I'm an introvert and desperately need my own space.

This sounds very moany I know because I'm lucky that I've moved to lovely area and was able to buy my little cottage outright. I guess I had this idea of spending the rest of my life pottering about, meeting people and learning new hobbies.

I hadn't planned on such a relationship but he is planning on living with me full time one day and possibly marriage. He has been married three times before..first wife died, second wife went of with another man and the third assaulted him.

When I say to him that I feel pressured, that we've only know each months, can we slow things down and live for the moment, that I just want to move into my cottage and enjoy it he gets tetchy.

I'm living in rented accommodation with my stuff in store and a few bags in his bedsit which he says that he perfectly happy to look after for me.

I have offered many times to pay for his work but he is now getting very short with me because he is looking forward to making my cottage lovely for me. All he wants is to be fed because he hates cooking and the occasional overnight stay...(whatever that means).

I guess I'm just very wary (having read all of the posts on here about cocklodgers) and just so worried that once he starts staying over night I would find it hard to get him to leave. This sounds so cynical I know.

We get on well together, he's good fun but says that he cannot afford to go out much so we mostly do things that are free.

Recently I decided to have a day to myself and he just kept saying how much he missed me. The next day he was very bossy with me telling me that if he is going to work on my house he doesn't want to be paid but wants food, drinks and to sleep in my bed.

There is only about three weeks until I move in and I am seriously thinking of finishing the relationship when I've moved.

What should I do?

He sounds like a nightmare 😬. Too much far too soon. I would try to distance yourself as much as possible even if it means hurting his feelings. (And the previously married three times thing and looking forward to you being wife number 4 is a bit 🙈 if I'm honest).

Hello

Thank you all for your advice.

I knew something was wrong when I saw that he was in digs. He is good company but I just don't trust him.

How is the best way to do this? I am due to see him tomorrow morning should I choose a crowded area to tell him? - in case he kicks off?

How shall I get my property back that's at his digs? It's only a few three bags. I hope he brings them to my rented accommodation.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Sounds like a right chancer, and vile with it.

Get rid of him. Tell him to bill you for the work, pay him, then cut him off.

Say "I've had a bit of a think, I decided I do not want to spend any more time with you nor have you working on my house. I've sorted out a new builder. Please bill me for your hours so far and I'll pay you for them. Thanks fur the stuff you've done, please bring my bags back to my rented house "

Or, find a ruse to get the bags back over the next few days, then do it.

I had a guy who did lots of stuff on my house, I kept saying no, I'll get someone in, or that I'd pay him but no. Eventually, he literally attacked me in my bedroom, lunged at me, groping me and trying to kiss me. It made me feel really ill. He went on about how he was in love with me blah blah. I carefully exited him from the house and then just blocked him and didn't respond to any contact. Worse still - he's thirty years older than me, my dad's age!

Ask his to bring the bags with him tomorrow...say you want the stuff

Honestly you are doing the right thing. It is creepy how he is trying to slide into your new house and basically he doesn't want paying so you feel beholden to hi ...which you are already starting to feel

Get rid of him completely and enjoy your new life without him around your neck as the resident cock lodger!

Yes, I'd tell him publicly. Have a mental script of what you want to say planned out, and make sure you don't get diverted from your point or guilted into continuing.

Do you have a ball-park idea of how much the work he's done would have cost to have done by someone else? I'd be prepared to offer him that amount on the spot. Have a cheque ready, ideally, and have him sign a receipt if he'takes it.

What is it that you have at his place? Unless it's really important, I'd be prepared to forget getting it back and just write it off. It's not really worth dragging this thing out.

So one wife died, the second cheated and the third assaulted him ... do you have proof of any of that, and as PPs have said, why's he stuck in a bedsit if he's a property developer?

A MN-er once said there's no man keener than the man who needs somewhere to live, and it seems that's what you've got - but hopefully not for much longer

Has he got keys to your property? If so get the locks changed, it's often cheaper to just get a new barrel than replacing the complete lock. The locksmith will advise you.

I'd also say, you don't have to meet him if you don't want to. It's ok to text something along the lines of you've had a think, you're not comfortable with the relationship and how it is progressing, you really want to concentrate on settling in to your new life on your own, thanks very much, send me the bill for what you think I owe you etc etc.
It's a short term relationship/friendship. You sound very nice. You don't need to give him the respect you would a proper partner. A text is fine and might be easier for you.

Good decision OP. He sounds utterly weird. You can't just keep pushing favours on someone and then decide they owe you a relationship. He is manipulative and I'm not surprised you're feeling uncomfortable.

Get rid and enjoy your freedom.

He is not likely to take no for an answer so be prepared for that.

The property is not in my hands yet as still conveyed. I'm in rented accommodation waiting for sale to go through. He has his own bedsit but has come with me several times to look at it.
I've known him around 3 months met through online dating (I know-what an idiot -there is no fool like old fool!).
He has not done any work than arranging to pick up some flooring which I've paid for.
I've just few things that he is holding for me.
There is absolutely no commitment between us he has just helped as a friend would.
I don't feel a text is right because I have a feeling that he would come to my rented property to plead his case.
I grew up in an abusive environment and was in an abusive marriage so I'm probably a bit vulnerable.
I can ask him to bring the bags which I have asked for before but he just gets angry with me.
Not sure what to do and I'm quite frightened of him. He shouts at other drivers and has been charged for assault on another man.
He is aggressive and shouts at his mum.

I feel slightly sick thinking about you meeting him and how it might kick off as you are vulnerable.

Have you got an adult child who could be there with you ?

He does not get to "sleep in your bed" ! (For goodness sake)

I agree with what @Catsarelush has just said.

Oh gosh op, the more you write the more he sounds like an abuser. You need to get away from him, and protect yourself in case he turns nasty. Is there anyone you know locally who could support you? Given that he has a record of assaulting people, a domestic violence charity or the police non emergency number might be able to help.

Oh he hasn't done any work yet? That's brilliant.

If he has that history and behaviour, then forget the bags, just let it go.

Be careful OP. You definitely definitely must end it if he's like that, he's not a nice man, he's a potential abuser.

If he harasses you or comes round after you've told him, call the police straightaway.

Do the bags contain valuable, important or irreplaceable things ?

I might be tempted to write them off, if not, to avoid the hassle or recovering them.

Your update is worrying.

I don’t know what ‘still conveyed’ means. Do you own the property but just not moved in? Can you stop the sale?

Is it too late to pull out of the house-buy?

Don't feel like an idiot! Abusers deliberately target people who don't have a strong local or family support system. Your instincts have kicked in brilliantly to tell you this is all wrong, and Mumsnet is the perfect place to seek support with this kind of issue.

“I'm quite frightened of him. He shouts at other drivers and has been charged for assault on another man.
He is aggressive and shouts at his mum.”

This is awful. Do you have any large male relatives or friends who could come with you to get your bags?

If he starts asking why you are finishing it , it’s quite simple . He is not listening to you. He is not respecting you because you have made it clear what you want at the moment and if he can’t do that after 3 months you have no confidence in him at all . It’s not working for you .

End of .

Don’t let him talk you out of it .

OP this sounds a bit dramatic but I wouldn't go with the house. I would honestly leave it and find somewhere else, well away from this man. I'm not sure what you're going to do, isolated, away from family and friends with someone potentially abusive down the road.

It sounds like he advised you to go for the house with an eye to moving in there once you'd bought it. In that case, he'll have you where he wants you. Alarm bells rang when I saw his last wife had assaulted him.

The more you're saying, he's aggressive, has a temper, is telling you that he will sleep in your bed etc etc all sound as though he's manipulative and like I said before, his story didn't add up. Now you're saying you're frightened off him.

I would keep him sweet, collect your bags, act like everything is fine then I would run. Run OP.

Ask a friend to accompany you when you next meet him. The support could be invaluable

Gosh op.

Tell him you are happy to collect your things to get them out of his way.
Collect, then
Leave.

The next day tell him that you would prefer to hire a builder.
You honestly don't need to mollify him, or make excuses.

You have been incredibly brave to move areas and to embark on this new life.
You've done the hard bit, this next thing is easy.

Good luck with your new life
🙂🙂

PS

He WILL get nasty with you.
Don't tell him in person- you don't owe him anything. Call him, say thank you for the help he's given already, but you have made your mind up, and feel it would be best to get a builder