Love late in life

[MrsChristmas123]

Hi there

I have been lurking here a while and read so many stories just like mine just feel the need to talk to someone.

I'm in my 60s and have just moved a new area having bought a cottage here that I am intending to renovate. I have no friends or family (they all live a long way away) but intend to join in the community and find friends that way. I am very sociable!

It is very much a new start for me, having left my previous place after 34 years.

My problem is a man friend that I met several months ago who has been very supportive, kind and helpful. He shares a house with several other people and has a pension from previous work but now medically retired.

He helped me negotiate the price that I should offer on my house (his family live nearby so he knows the area well) and offered to carry out the renovations (about 2 months work I would guess). I offered many times to pay for his time (he has renovated many houses in the past) but all he says is that I should feed him every night. I am paying for all the materials.

I have met his Mum and I voiced my concerns to her saying that I was not comfortable just accepting free labour and had always paid in the past. She said the same that I should just cook for him every night whilst he is working in my house.

We are fond of each other but there has not been a full sexual relationship because I am not sure that this is what I want now. I have lived on my own for so long and have got used to my own company.

My male friend is now starting to pressure me to sleep with him now as well wanting to think about living together in a couple of years. When I say I'm not ready for any sort of commitment he says that he is joking. He says that he not bothered about sex but would like to stay over.

I have only known him a few months and he is not talking about wanting to marry me one day! It is very flattering but quite frankly I just want a companion now. I know this sounds boring but that's me.

We've never discussed finances and I have no idea about his financial situation although he tells that he has restored many houses and sold them at a profit. He says that he never pays tax, 'has a lot of fingers in a lot of pies'...think Rodney out 'fools and horses'!

I just feel that things are just moving far to fast for me although he is good company and wants to see me every day.

He fantasises what it would be like when we live together one day, all the renovations that he is going to do my house. I think he is reasonably happy living in a bedsit (he was travelling around Europe for a while) and has no problems with paying his bills. He is going to be 60 next year.

I guess I've just got carried away with it all and now I'm not sure how I can slow things down! He says that he loves me and wants to be with me all of the time but I just find it so claustrophobic because I'm an introvert and desperately need my own space.

This sounds very moany I know because I'm lucky that I've moved to lovely area and was able to buy my little cottage outright. I guess I had this idea of spending the rest of my life pottering about, meeting people and learning new hobbies.

I hadn't planned on such a relationship but he is planning on living with me full time one day and possibly marriage. He has been married three times before..first wife died, second wife went of with another man and the third assaulted him.

When I say to him that I feel pressured, that we've only know each months, can we slow things down and live for the moment, that I just want to move into my cottage and enjoy it he gets tetchy.

I'm living in rented accommodation with my stuff in store and a few bags in his bedsit which he says that he perfectly happy to look after for me.

I have offered many times to pay for his work but he is now getting very short with me because he is looking forward to making my cottage lovely for me. All he wants is to be fed because he hates cooking and the occasional overnight stay...(whatever that means).

I guess I'm just very wary (having read all of the posts on here about cocklodgers) and just so worried that once he starts staying over night I would find it hard to get him to leave. This sounds so cynical I know.

We get on well together, he's good fun but says that he cannot afford to go out much so we mostly do things that are free.

Recently I decided to have a day to myself and he just kept saying how much he missed me. The next day he was very bossy with me telling me that if he is going to work on my house he doesn't want to be paid but wants food, drinks and to sleep in my bed.

There is only about three weeks until I move in and I am seriously thinking of finishing the relationship when I've moved.

What should I do?

Given that he seems aggressive, personally I would go in the direction of "I've decided I'm not ready for a relationship with anyone, it's too soon", "I need to work on my independence", "You're a great guy and I don't want to waste your time", and make it quite light and breezy as if you think he wasn't that keen on you anyway, was joking about living together etc. and won't be bothered, so he can save face

I agree, This is good advice.

Get rid op.
Dont wait for 3 weeks though. And I'd give him some money so he cant pull the 'you used me' line.
Massive red flags all over this one. Not sure I'd necessarily believe the story about the third wife either.

Listen to your inner voice op! You are being too polite! He has infiltrated your life without your permission. It's quite possible he started mentally "putting his feet under your table" when he negotiated the price of the house down for you? Were you open about having no friends or family in your new location?
If so, he may have pegged you as vulnerable and you (and your money) could be being targeted. This could be potentially very damaging to you unless you take control of the situation now.

Change the locks. Meet him in a mutual place and give him some cash for the work he has done so far (if you have a contact you could take along while doing this then all the better). Tell him that your plans have changed but don't go in to specifics. Cease all contact with him.

And in your shoes I might go so far as to make enquiries about him at your local police station and at least put your concerns about him on record.

Hmm the stories about his ex-wives are setting off alarm bells, especially the one who is dead. That bloke who killed the author is also under suspicion for having killed his first wife who mysteriously disappeared.

You're not a fool.Youve only known him 3 months and you know there's something about him that isn't right.Id say you're very switched on!

I'm going to be honest here, I don't think OLD is for you as you are coming across as vulnerable and it looks like you have been well and truly manipulated. In 3 months he's encouraged you to buy a house of his choosing near where he lives, has got you to buy flooring for it when you've not even bought it yet ( thus trying to tie you in) and in return, although you say you don't trust him, you have left your property at his 'bedsit' - which if he was capable of doing up houses for profit, he would not be living in.
Now he's aggressive when you ask for your property back. If you know any adult men that are willing to come with you to his bedsit and collect the property, do that, if he won't comply get the police to obtain it with you. Hopefully he's stalling giving you it back as it keeps the hold over you, but I suspect you may find he's already sold your property. He really has seen you coming and taken full advantage I'm afraid.

Join the local area Facebook site where you should see local people advertising their trades

Ask at local pub & shops for local trades people

Join some community groups & volunteer groups

Maybe not so easy during the virus, but they should still have an online presence

Pay for trades people to do the work

Good luck

I agree with @Opentooffers - having seen your updates, I think you are too trusting to be on OLD. You need to have much firmer boundaries and become much more cynical. Your post was entitled "Love later in life" but this isn't about a love affair at all; it's about a man who's bulldozed all your boundaries because of his own selfish agenda and, as your update has mentioned, a man you're actually scared of.

You have taken at face value stories from this man which are almost certainly lies and which should have rung alarm bells - he claims to have made a profit from doing up houses but is living in a bedsit, he doesn't mind living in a bedsit because he's been travelling in Europe, has 3 marriages behind him - the second two of which apparently ended through his wives' fault.

At best, he has lied because he's got very little to show for someone reaching 60. At worst, these could veil things which are far more sinister (a prison sentence; violence in the marriages etc).

The fact that you are scared of this man tells you everything you need to know about how wrong he is for you.

If you are buying this cottage because it is in his area and if it is not too late to withdraw from the purchase, you might want to seriously consider doing so. If you have other reasons to buy this cottage, that's a different matter, but make sure you pay local workmen to do the work and have some family or trusted friends move in with you for a while so that you're not alone there.

This is a man who thinks nothing of blasting through your boundaries and trying to put obligations on you so he can manipulate himself into your bed and into your home. That's how devious and entitled he is.
You've only known this guy for months. You owe him nothing. Cut him loose and pull up the drawbridge.

PS - I'm a big fan of love affairs "later in life" (not late - you're only in your 60s, not your 90s!). My mum met the love of her life at 55. A friend of mine is very happily settled down with a partner she met in her 60s. I know of other stories too. It can definitely happen. But not with this man.

Hello there

I saw the guy today and he has brought most of my property back, bar one bag which I'm not bothered about.

I asked him why he has never brought a property of his own and he says that he doesn't like living on his own. I explained that I like living on my own and that I am really not ready for any relationship with him or anyone.

I did as you all advised and predictably it created an argument with me trying to get him to listen to me. He kept interrupting and shouting at me. This man has decided to finish it between us because he thinks I'm unhinged! So he has, in effect dumped me.

He has driven off in a huff not before telling me he loves me which worried me a bit.

It's not over yet because I still need to tell him that i don't want him to work on my house and that I will employ a professional. I think he will contact me again and then I will finish it for good.

There are great security lights where I'm staying but I will be informing the Police today for my own safety.

I will keep you all posted and thank you once again for your support.

He 'never pays tax'
He's been charged with assault
He's an aggressive driver
He's been married three times
He shouts at an elderly woman
He's effectively unemployed

And this is the stuff he's told you about.

How much is your heart set on this house? Because I would genuinely be considering pulling out and finding somewhere else.

OP, great that you have told him however you MUST block him now and have no further interactions with him.

He has ‘finished it’ so nothing further is required. Any messages from you will simply give a man like this another in and mixed messages. You need to now block and ignore him.

Run. Fast.

Ok. So he didn’t listen to you, kept interrupting and shouting at you. Then dumped you and drove off in a huff.

From this you conclude that you should meet him again to tell him that you don’t want him to work on the house. Because by that time he will have had a complete personality transplant and will not get angry or interrupt you but will listen respectfully .

Until then you can be on edge, worrying about when and how he will contact you.

Or you could text him and be done with it. Tell him not to contact you again ( if that’s what you want).

So far he’s been rude and agressive but he’s done nothing remotely illegal and I can’t see what you are going to tell the police ? He’s not threatened you or intimidated you in any way.

However if you have a text saying “ don’t contact me “ and he does, then you have something to tell the police.

I agree that you should block him as far as you are able, and should he manage to contact you in some way, you must ignore him. On no account should you get into any explanatory conversation with him.

If you do, he will use this opening to attempt to regain control over you. You, like so many women, have been conditioned to be kind and gentle, and not upset the man, but it puts you at a real disadvantage in situations like yours.

TBH, it was a mistake for you to discuss his life choices, you should have concentrated on what you wanted, you don't want to give him the impression that you are interested in him in any way.

His going off in anger, is a classic control technique, he will be expecting you to beg him to return and for you to apologise for upsetting him, thus giving him renewed control over you.

This is why it is so important that you do not contact him.

Stay strong!

Well done Lol that he dumped you - in his dreams!

Stay strong.

If the police have any records on him, they might be very interested anyway, but it does sound as if he intimidated you and acted aggressively. I'd be tempted to go along to the police and ask what to do.

If he's dumped you and really feels like he has the upper hand, that sounds quite promising. Did you have any actual times arranged for the work, or was he planning on buying equipment in or anything? I'd send an email confirming his services are not wanted so he can't claim you made promises.

I would confirm that you do not want him doing any more work on your house as he might turn up otherwise.

How did you get on this morning OP? I hope you are ok.

Sorry, cross posted.

I will message him this evening to say that I don't want any work done on my house and him not to buy any materials on my behalf.

Then I will block him.

ALLISON is right he has not done anything wrong other than upset me greatly so I'll leave it at that. I guess I was just thinking of my safety. Too early for Police.

Let him think HE dumped you- he is not emotionally stable and sounds like the kind of man who acts aggressively and impulsively if he feels disrespected/ scorned by a woman etc. As others have advised, avoid confrontation, avoid contact if at all possible and if you do come across him stay bland and neutral. And it probably wouldn’t hurt to have male relatives/ friends/ tradesmen around if he is in the vicinity .
@Dery’s post is excellent.

Well done OP! I am sure this is a really close escape. Yes he sounds like he may well have been after the house but also he sounds like a classic love-bomber.... search for threads on that - there will be loads and there is one live now under relationship.....

• pushing for too much intimacy, too soon, not respecting boundaries, and kicking off and insulting you when you resist. You can get caught for a long time and it can wreck people. So you have done great to recognize it early and get it under control. Probably next thing is he will come back apologizing, begging, promising to go slow... but I think you know this person won't make you happy so please don't relent!

Share your stories of love bombing and discovering the dark side www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4024795-share-your-stories-of-love-bombing-and-discovering-the-dark-side

For starters. 🙂

Well done, you have made progress

Hope you find somewhere nice to live & meet some new people

So glad to hear he "dumped" you .

You have done so well OP, just stay away, I would let close friends and family know about him and his behavior, just in case there is escalation in the future. Security cameras and a big dog are always a good idea as a single woman.