Found tinder on OHs fone!😥

[Mushyheadmuddythoughts]

Not really sure what im looking for here a hand hold advice or just venting before i lose it..so backstory OH has been acting weird for a few months now we ve been together nearly 20years and ive NEVER suspected him of cheating. Recently hes been gettin up during the night(insomnia he says) and sitting in the lounge. When i waken up and check on him hes on his phone and quickly closes his phone and looks guilty. I let it go the first few times then i confront him after ALOT of talking he admits to watching porn i personally dnt have a problem with this. But this week i borrowed his phone when i type into the google search bar the 2nd thing that pops up is tinder! I was soo shocked but i didnt say anything i thought anyone can click on an ad by accident. So the nxt day i use his phone again and check through his apps hes got the app last used in july! He cant have been meeting people we ve been together 24/7 almost because of lockdown and us both sheilding what would you do? Confront him? Or accept its probably been a bit of dirty talk and not taken any further?!

Oh yes let's put it on thebwomans fault for communicating with her partner properly.

Cos he's not able to communicate himself as a grown man is he??? Or take responsibility?

Yes let's victim blame the OP. She must try harder

@MMmomDD

During lockdown a few of my friends downloaded Tinder our of total boredom. And we just looked and swiped. Without any intentions. Just because there wasn’t much to do. We chatted among each other about the guys there. Totally harmless, as there never was an actual intention to do anything.

All I am saying - OP doesn’t seem to want to engage in communication to at least try to understand what her H is doing.
My guess is that the OP is herself suffering a lot of the effects of the lockdown, and with a new baby her hormones must be all over the place.
Her posts seem to oscillate quite a bit.
From early posts of being scared of losing him, and saying she is Ok with porn, and in general being a bit thoughtful. To today’s posts that read like a different person.
I do hope she finds some way to communicate with her H and feels better in general.

Did you all act shifty and suspicious around your partners, fake insomnia and sneak downstairs in the middle of the night to do it?

No? Funny that.

OP my head would be all over the place in your position too, so don’t take offence from previous comments suggesting this is in some way abnormal. I’m sorry you’re in this situation and I hope you get to the bottom of it one way or another. Whatever this is, it’s not your fault.

Op I’ve just read the thread. I hope you are ok. I’d be feeling sick in your position. I hope you are managing to get some answers

@Thisisnotnormal69

I don’t know if i acted suspiciously. But I did stay up late into the night after kids and H went to sleep. Was the only way to get some me time really. I am particularly an introvert and need time by myself, and it was impossible to get while in lockdown.

Not all ‘suspicious’ behaviour is actually anything. It all can be harmless or a coping mechanism.

And in no way am I saying OP is somehow to blame. However, she sounds all over the place. But it can all be for something or nothing.

However, she sounds all over the place

@MMmomDD It's completely normal for someone to be all over the place, or have all sorts of different responses if they find out their partner has been considering shagging other people etc.

All over the place??? I couldn’t think straight for months when I had something similar. Of course she is all over the place. I think it’s way worse when you have been with someone a long time and have what you think is a very close, good relationship. You almost can’t believe it, it’s like everything you have known was not what it seemed— maybe others are more matter of fact, but it totally floored me

[quote MMmomDD]@Thisisnotnormal69

I don’t know if i acted suspiciously. But I did stay up late into the night after kids and H went to sleep. Was the only way to get some me time really. I am particularly an introvert and need time by myself, and it was impossible to get while in lockdown.

Not all ‘suspicious’ behaviour is actually anything. It all can be harmless or a coping mechanism.

And in no way am I saying OP is somehow to blame. However, she sounds all over the place. But it can all be for something or nothing.[/quote]
But his suspicious behaviour is something. Going on tinder is a big deal.

It is upsetting the Op and your post does sound victim blaming.

@Aerial2020

What basis do you have for saying his suspicious behaviour is something? How do you know he didn’t just feel bored/cabin fever and downloaded it just for entertainment sake.
I did it in lock down. So did a few of my friends and we chatted about it and men’s profile we found especially funny. And as I said - no intention to act on anything.

There is no victim blaming. I just said she should consider not jumping to conclusions and actually talk to him. Given that as she said - they have been together 24/7 for months of shielding. And that she doesn’t actually think he did anything.

When I said her posts are all over - it’s true. If you read earlier posts vs later it’s as if a different person wrote them.

It doesn’t really matter anymore as she seems gone.

Yeah you're not listening.
It doesn't matter what you did or why you did it. That's your life. The OP is upset her partner did (which is a natural reaction) and she is expressing that upset for some advice

Saying she is all over the place and jumping to conclusions is crap and not helpful. Of course you would jump to that conclusion he is cheating. Tinder is a dating and hook up site.

Having tinder may be just a small part of other behaviour contributing to problems in their relationship for the OP.

Your post is minimising her reaction and how she is feeling.

But yeah, she's prob gone now.

@MMmomDD if you have a dp and downloaded tinder then how disrespectful to your DP!
If my DP downloaded tinder and I found out and he used the excuse "oh me and my friends downloaded it for a laugh and to see funny women's profiles", I would not be happy and think he had a crappy excuse fo cheating.

So OP even if your dp has downloaded tinder "for a laugh" he has still disrespected you by going on a dating app!

MMmomDD
Let me get this straight. You downloaded Tinder and got up in the night leaving your DH and children upstairs so you could look at men and swipe left & right for a laugh? Yeah course you did, course you did. You are either one sad motherfucker or the OPs DH

Interesting assumptions...
I don’t know how your lockdown went - but during the day I seemed to have been in a non-stop mode of homeschooling, making food, tidying, more schooling and cooking, and tidying. It seemed endless and constant.
I only ever had time to myself after they all went to bed.
And yes - this is when I caught up on stuff, read and chatted with friends. Some in different parts of the world in the same predicament.

Tinder - in reality I downloaded and looked at it a few times - after a friend sent me some profile saying ‘how can this guy think any woman would swipe on him’....
It was so macho and woman hating it was weird.

Nothing I did had any disrespect to my partner. If he was up and nearby - and asked what I was doing - I’d have showed him.
But we don’t have a relationship that is based on control.

If he decides to cheat - or falls for someone else - our relationship would end. Same if it happens on my side.
Policing phone use won’t do anything. Won’t prevent anything.

MMmom hmmmm - we always said exactly the same too , but didn’t quite work that way— turns out some men actually want to go nowhere, but quite like the ego boosts and secrecy of the odd flirtation

Tinder - in reality I downloaded and looked at it a few times - after a friend sent me some profile saying ‘how can this guy think any woman would swipe on him’....
It was so macho and woman hating it was weird.

Yet, you are using your experience of this to excuse the OP's partner's behaviour...

Do you really think he was on there for similar reasons? Honestly?

@MMmomDD It's really unlikely a bloke went on there because his friend linked him to a profile to laugh at, if that's what you did.

Most people go on there to try and find someone to date/shag.

@MMmomDD He spoke to women about meeting up for sex and sent them explicit videos/pics proof enough for you! I did not jump to conclusions or police his phone i have only looked on his phone recently as he was acting suspicious

What has he said?

Well in that case he has only been having sex with you OP because all that dirty talking has been making him randy. Chances are, he's been imagining those women whilst he's been shagging you.

Absolutely no need for that Monday55. Talk about kicking someone when they're down.

Hope you're ok OP

OP you must be so shocked and do ignore Monday above. Most of us are here to support not make you feel worse

I’m so sorry OP. Have you got some good friends you can confide in?