Found tinder on OHs fone!😥

[Mushyheadmuddythoughts]

Not really sure what im looking for here a hand hold advice or just venting before i lose it..so backstory OH has been acting weird for a few months now we ve been together nearly 20years and ive NEVER suspected him of cheating. Recently hes been gettin up during the night(insomnia he says) and sitting in the lounge. When i waken up and check on him hes on his phone and quickly closes his phone and looks guilty. I let it go the first few times then i confront him after ALOT of talking he admits to watching porn i personally dnt have a problem with this. But this week i borrowed his phone when i type into the google search bar the 2nd thing that pops up is tinder! I was soo shocked but i didnt say anything i thought anyone can click on an ad by accident. So the nxt day i use his phone again and check through his apps hes got the app last used in july! He cant have been meeting people we ve been together 24/7 almost because of lockdown and us both sheilding what would you do? Confront him? Or accept its probably been a bit of dirty talk and not taken any further?!

@SoulofanAggron
Possibly but would of been all the way through 20 years I would imagine.

OP - if you have been shielding since the spring - it’s half year+ that you have been mostly stuck together, just the two of you.
And it must be incredibly hard for anybody, even with the best of relationships.
People are not meant to be this isolated and only interact with one other person.
So - I’d say different rules of survival apply in extreme circumstances, and boundaries may need to be adjusted a bit.

If it were me in your place - I’d assume he was just extremely bored and wanted a little bit of human interactions. And solitude, by the sound of it - if he was waking up at night to just get a bit of alone time. (As a person who needs my alone time to recharge I can get that).
Since he hasn’t used the app since July - my guess is that he got it, had a bit of a look around for entertainment purposes and that was that.
Usually MNtters would tell you how this is a deal breaker, and how they won’t stand for it, etc.
But again - none of us has been locked in with just one person for half a year. None of us know what it feels like.

If I were you - I’d not worry about any emotional affairs and him leaving you. People don’t go on tinder to have that - so no one on there is really interested in chatting for months and months and get nowhere. Unless it’s another bored locked in soul who is also seeking just a bit of human contact.
So if he actually went on it and chatted, I’d just think of it as a bit of interactive porn. And maybe in normal times that can be judged more harshly - but at this time - I’d not. He is just trying to survive this crazy time.

Op, you sound like you are quite concerned about your relationship and him leaving because of developing emotional attachment to someone. I don’t think it’s a risk here. However, rather than obsessing and fearing it - why don’t you actually talk to him. Not accuse or confront, but talk like adults. About how hard it is uk this situation, and it what you or him are struggling with, about boundaries and how they can be adjusted in these times.
So that he (Or your) don’t feel the need to hide, and get though these times as a stronger couple.

If he’s been acting odd for a few months and getting up in the middle of night etc, and he hasn’t used tinder since July..it could well be that he met someone on there and then deleted tinder because didn’t need it to talk to them as talks to them on WhatsApp/something else.

I would wait and see if you can get hold of his phone. Don’t let him know that you’re suspicious as he’ll delete everything.

Insomnia can play havoc with your mental health.
I suffered from it extremely badly last year and the nights felt like I was in prison, I don't smoke weed but a couple of times I took an edible because I NEEDED an escape from the thoughts that accompany insomnia. I genuinely needed it because if not I was feeling suicidal.....insomnia can lead to a certain type of hopelessness that increases the suicide risk massively....when you feel like you'll never get a good nights sleep again it impacts your functioning so much, it's bad enough being extremely exhausted and drained and so on during the day but you don't even get a break from it at night, it's genuinely horrific for some people!!

Just something to consider.

Thanks for everyones opinions but hes far from being a sleazy wanker i think some people on here arent being very constructive on this thread and might have a hatred for men..its not black and white sadly or itd make all this easier @MMmomDD your right these are extreme times but i dont know if its all caused by the pandemic tbh just my gut feeling i dont know if familiarity is breeding boredom and thats my worry. Im trying to be as balanced as i can b here but its the trust thats been broken that gets me

🙄

So, you’ve been together for 20 years, he’s been getting up and being sneaky in another room with his phone in the middle of the night, he’s got/had Tinder on his phone (and no you can’t click on an app by mistake if it hasn’t already been downloaded in the first place), you can accept it might be a bit of dirty talk, and you don’t think he’s a sleazy wanker?!

If my partner was doing this behind my back I’d be the first one to admit he was a sleazy wanker! We’re just trying to help you see it for what it is, if not cheating he’s doing something that’s unaceptable in a relationship, and he knows it or he wouldn’t be sneaking out of bed in the middle of the night. Sorry to sound harsh ☹

@Mushyheadmuddythoughts

Thanks for everyones opinions but hes far from being a sleazy wanker i think some people on here arent being very constructive on this thread and might have a hatred for men..its not black and white sadly or itd make all this easier *@MMmomDD* your right these are extreme times but i dont know if its all caused by the pandemic tbh just my gut feeling i dont know if familiarity is breeding boredom and thats my worry. Im trying to be as balanced as i can b here but its the trust thats been broken that gets me

Eh, who has a hatred of men? I think there’s lots of people here with experience of this kind of thing and to be honest given the v suspicious behaviour it’s fairly possible he’s cheating in some way(could be cam girls, emotional affair, sexting, anything). Personally I’d find any of that “sleazy wanker” behaviour but if you don’t then I guess that’s your boundaries to decide. I would watch and wait as I’d need to know for sure either way, personally

Camgirls and sexting is also sleazy wanker behaviour to me, porn is fine.

I can also categorically say I don't hate men.

These are extreme times but i dont know if its all caused by the pandemic

To be honest you just sound desperate to find an excuse for the behaviour so the relationship doesn't have to end.

I smell co-dependance tbh.

How old is he, OP? This sounds like it could be his mid-life crisis. If that's the case, it's extremely unlikely he's gone off you.

Are there any other behaviours you've noticed?

@Closetbeanmuncher no co dependance here i just said its NOT all caused by the pandemic i see this exactly for what it is this is not acceptable behaviour in a relationship..i guess my question is do we try to work through this all marriages have ups n downs. 20 years ffs! We ve had soo many happy times countless times hes been my rock through deaths illness trauma births and celebrations ive never had reason to doubt him until now..hes my best friend uuughh this is too much

You need to tell him you've found it and see what he says for himself. I am on team sleazy wanker but maybe he can talk you round

A best friend wouldn't treat you like this.

What if is was the other way around, would be be ok with this? Tinder is not for chatting and not for emotional affairs.
I think there is a lot of denial going on.

A lot of Ops have been through this and trying to give you some advice
Might come across as harsh but only because there seems to be a lot of excuses coming up. He's a grown man who is responsible for his own behaviour.

I know your right a best friend wouldnt do this im just in alot of shock atm the more this is all sinking in the more sick i feel..how do i bring all of this up?!

Why would you accept a so called "partner" having dirty talk with other women

To be honest looks suspicious. With what you've found I would definitely think he's cheating in some way.

@Thewiseoneincognito

I’ll say two things:

1. consider letting him live in his fantasy land. If it’s all tinder and porn then it’s not really different to me looking on rightmove at the million pound houses.

2. take a good look at yourself. Not for his sake but for yours, have a back up plan as @PremierInn says, get in great shape and then you will have the confidence to let him carry on his dreams if he wishes but you have yours too. If he wants spark then it’s only natural, if he isn’t sparking for you though then plan to move on in time but on your terms.

That is the most ridiculous advice I’ve ever heard. Let him carry on using tinder and “living his dreams” at a detriment to your own mental health whilst getting in great shape so he’ll fancy you again? Do you need help, are you stuck in the 50’s?

@Prettybubblesintheair i hear what your saying i think the other posters mean concentrate on myself which i appreciate it but i agree it somehow suggests that im out of shape n thats why this has happened

Ffs. He has really done a number on you, hasn't he? Porn, Tinder, Camgirls, possible clandestine midnight chats? And all of this you accept? 20 years together and this is the respect he shows you? You sound like a nice person OP but you are being treated like shit.

Open your eyes, look out of the nearest window until you spot a hill and run like the wind towards it.

You need to talk to him. He needs to be honest with you about what’s going on and why he has felt the need to do these things. From there you can work out if you still want to be with him but he needs to be honest or you can’t put things right It’s really horrible I know

it somehow suggests that im out of shape n thats why this has happened

It wouldn't matter if you were Giselle's better looking twin. People who are that way inclined fuck around no matter what their partner looks like OP. That's a fact!

What shocks me as there's so many of these trash rat types posing as wonderful, loyal family men. Jesus if that's what they want to do why don't they give us all a break, fuck off and crack on with it?

Any apps like KIK on his phone ?

Whats KIK?

Sorry op you need to get into the app and see what has been said before confronting. Save the screenshots etc etc. Do you know his Facebook password or anything or his go-to password so you can log in from your phone?

If I had trouble sleeping on a night and I had a partner of over 20 years I wouldn’t find myself on tinder. Sounds like he is looking for a thrill and to do it behind your back without being caught, but of course he has been caught.

Where would it of ended for him if you had not looked?

Look at the messages, then decide the future but for me - I wouldn’t be able to trust him again and it’s no life to live constantly wondering if he’s back on tinder.

[quote Mushyheadmuddythoughts]@Prettybubblesintheair i hear what your saying i think the other posters mean concentrate on myself which i appreciate it but i agree it somehow suggests that im out of shape n thats why this has happened[/quote]
Nah it's nothing to do with that
I honestly think when men/women go like this after 20 years married, there's no reason other than they wanted to and thought they could get away with it, and there's no dissuading them either. It's nothing to do with you, in a way, it's their mid life crisis not yours.

All you can do is work on keeping your own spirits up so you are in the best possible place if/when it all turns to shit and you throw him out or he leaves. Exercise is great for reducing stress. Self care is great for improving well-being. Making sure you have a good support network in place just makes sense. Prepping for a life without him gives you confidence. You might have all those things already but strengthening all of them to the max is a good focus right now. Focussing on trying to stop him shagging around is a pointless waste of time, on the other hand

@Thewiseoneincognito

I’ll say two things:

1. consider letting him live in his fantasy land. If it’s all tinder and porn then it’s not really different to me looking on rightmove at the million pound houses.

2. take a good look at yourself. Not for his sake but for yours, have a back up plan as @PremierInn says, get in great shape and then you will have the confidence to let him carry on his dreams if he wishes but you have yours too. If he wants spark then it’s only natural, if he isn’t sparking for you though then plan to move on in time but on your terms.

With women like this, who needs male misogynists?! Jesus wept.