Found tinder on OHs fone!😥

[Mushyheadmuddythoughts]

Not really sure what im looking for here a hand hold advice or just venting before i lose it..so backstory OH has been acting weird for a few months now we ve been together nearly 20years and ive NEVER suspected him of cheating. Recently hes been gettin up during the night(insomnia he says) and sitting in the lounge. When i waken up and check on him hes on his phone and quickly closes his phone and looks guilty. I let it go the first few times then i confront him after ALOT of talking he admits to watching porn i personally dnt have a problem with this. But this week i borrowed his phone when i type into the google search bar the 2nd thing that pops up is tinder! I was soo shocked but i didnt say anything i thought anyone can click on an ad by accident. So the nxt day i use his phone again and check through his apps hes got the app last used in july! He cant have been meeting people we ve been together 24/7 almost because of lockdown and us both sheilding what would you do? Confront him? Or accept its probably been a bit of dirty talk and not taken any further?!

i think some people on here arent being very constructive on this thread and might have a hatred for men

Not hatred, but a healthy cynicism towards men’s proclivities perhaps.

I mean let’s face it your idealism towards him has you somewhat buggered. You’re dependent on him. You said there’s nowhere you can go. You’re gonna have to suck it up, let him know you’re not happy, then try to spice up your sex life a bit. At least he’s not hitting you

@PremierInn we re sheilding due to rising levels of corona in our area thats why theres nowhere i can go just now

@RomeoLikedCapuletGirls thats the thing we have amazing sex all the time!

thats the thing we have amazing sex all the time!

Then it must be the thrill of chasing new women. Look, it depends what you’re prepared to put up with. You’re clearly unhappy with it. Why not use that as your guide?

He obviously knows you wouldn’t like it else why is he so secretive about it? So the question is why would he risk 20 years of a good marriage for this?

It’s not you chucking it away. It’s him!

thats the thing we have amazing sex all the time!

OP you don't get it. It doesn't matter how you look or how great your sex life is. Someone who's that way inclined (i.e dog with ten dicks), no matter what they have in a partner will still cheat. It's just how those types of people are. Pretty pathetic really. Don't you dare go blaming yourself and any shortcomings you think you might have, this is all on him.

How soon can you go back to work and gain financial independence again because if you're not willing to out up with this shit you're going to need it.

You are probably better not of confronting him yet and deciding what you want to do and sort things out regarding divorcing etc. If you confront he will likely just cover his tracks better.

@RandomMess ive seen enough and i have all the proof i need in my head hes not going to make me doubt myself

@Mushyheadmuddythoughts

Well ive done it ive looked on his fone and he was on tinder last nite! Bastard!!! I need to confront him today how do i do this?!

It sounds like an addiction.

You should just say exactly what you've posted here. That you've looked on his phone and you've seen that he was on tinder. Then remain silent so he will probably fill the silence with an explanation or an excuse. If he tries to turn it around on you by complaining that you've snooped, you explain calmly that you have been feeling traumatised/upset by recent events and that you need an explanation from him.
Try to avoid getting into an argument, say as little as possible, don't be sidetracked by his deflections, remain calm.

[quote Mushyheadmuddythoughts]@SoulofanAggron thank you for being kind i know deep down i dont deserve any of this but i cant help thinking why hes done this to me..to us. Im sitting here alone crying its all sinking in now i need to get myself together before my kids waken up[/quote]
They do it, @Mushyheadmuddythoughts for various different reasons - mainly because they're arseholes - but what you must never do is wonder if you are somehow to blame. Even if you were the most hellish shrew on earth (you're not, you sound lovely) there is never any excuse to sneak around behind someone's back. Arsehole-men are emotionally-retarded and are incapable of acting like responsible adults. Acting with integrity is simply something they cannot do. That is why you must step up to the plate and show him - via your behaviour - that what he has done is wrong.

Hopefully - eventually - the realisation will sink in and he will feel the most profound guilt and might therefore become a better man. However, this is not something you need to concern yourself with right now as you must put yourself and your children first.

I meant more getting your ducks in a row in preparation for divorce.

His payslips, bank statements, evidence of his pensions, mortgage statement etc

[quote Mushyheadmuddythoughts]@RandomMess ive seen enough and i have all the proof i need in my head hes not going to make me doubt myself[/quote]
So is he going on webcam sites cause that’s very very intimate and he’s effectively having relationships with these women on some level even though they are being paid . Are you cool with hi. Paying some twenty year old to strip and master age for him and him doing his thing for her if that’s what he’s been doing . I’ve been i. A relationship for twenty years also and there’s no way in hell I could deal with this. I guess it’s up to you to decide what you want to live with

Sorry I hit send too soon . The whole tinder thing , I mean to me that’s and webcams are the same ... both intimate and one on one sexual interaction more than likely . Although tinder may be aiming at something more long term .

[quote Mushyheadmuddythoughts]@BritInAus this is exactly my dilema what do i do next? Ive worked full time all of my life but now ive got 2small children i cant i have no one to look after them thats what i mean by him having control over all the finances hes the bread winner i dont mean he doesnt allow me to have money[/quote]
If your in Aus you have rights , he can’t just ‘ not allow ‘ you to have money . Take the keycard and withdraw the money you need then go to legal aid . Do you have family or friends who you can stay with . You would be entitled to parenting payment of you decide to leave and also the law here says you are entitled to at least 50 percent ( mode of yoh are caring for young children )

I’m really sorry he’s done this to you and what msonamission says is true. This is absolutely one hundred percent about a deficiency in him and not about you . You sound great , you deserve so much better

Sorry op. Dont doubt that this is all about him, not you.
Sadly thousands of women have been through this. You can and will get over this and will be happier without him, in time.
What a dumb shit splitting up his family for this.
Get evidence, store it where he csnt see it or delete it.
Take as much money as you can and move it into an account in your name.
Get passports and other bits, bank statements etc. And then tell him what you know. He will probably lie, minimise and make out that you're crazy/over reacting.
Good luck.

OP - now that you mentioned that you have two small children as well - one a baby; and have been together 24/7 shielding for six months - I’ll say it again.
Even the most strong relationships would be strained and seeking some escape and privacy.

So - he has looked at tinder in July and now in mid Sept... To me it strongly indicates that it’s just a little window shopping, more like porn then anything.
I am sure if most of people were locked up with one person and babies for months on end we’d be going all kinds of crazy too.

Before you act emotionally and blow up your life - talk to him? What do you have to lose.
Talk - not explode or confront. Hard as it is.
Talk, ask him what is going on.

So sorry you are going through this. I am also in a relationship where my partner had innapropriate conversations on his phone but I believe him when he says he never would have physically cheated "in real life", as he put it. Still hurt me very badly though and caused problems with the relationship because of how disrespectful it was. I think it was just an ego boost for mine, he never downloaded tinder but got carried away when someone else came onto him. There is a difference between a phone screen and being with someone in real life.

You need to find out the full extent of what he has done and why he downloaded tinder in the first place, what his intentions were. I would come clean, tell him you've been looking at his phone and that you need an explanation from him because you're hurt. It's not as if he hid it very well if you could just see from looking through his apps that tinder was on there.

The only way your relationship can recover from this is if you are both completely honest with each other now. For me, the trust hasn't been completely broken because I still believe he would never cheat or even text another woman again after seeing how much it upset me but forgiveness and trust are two separate things and I'm still working on forgiveness.

Nobody knows what they would do unless in the situation themselves. Hope you make the right decision for you xx

@MMmomDD

OP - now that you mentioned that you have two small children as well - one a baby; and have been together 24/7 shielding for six months - I’ll say it again. Even the most strong relationships would be strained and seeking some escape and privacy.

So - he has looked at tinder in July and now in mid Sept... To me it strongly indicates that it’s just a little window shopping, more like porn then anything.
I am sure if most of people were locked up with one person and babies for months on end we’d be going all kinds of crazy too.

Before you act emotionally and blow up your life - talk to him? What do you have to lose.
Talk - not explode or confront. Hard as it is.
Talk, ask him what is going on.

Wtf???? Seriously???? That's what you would say to a woman?

Arsehole-men are emotionally-retarded and are incapable of acting like responsible adults. Acting with integrity is simply something they cannot do

Unfortunately for womankind these tossers still haven't been bred out by natural selection. 💩

@Aerial2020

Yes. Woman or man - doesn’t really matter. Humans aren’t meant to be locked in for months with just one other adult and two little kids.
If the worst he has done in those months is to download Tinder - and looked at it - it’s not that big of a deal.
Point is - OP has no idea what her H did on it - did he just look and swipe? Did he chat to anyone? Etc.
And she seems to be jumping to conclusions without talking to him. While ignoring that these are not normal circumstances. IF what she says is true that they have been isolated for months.

It's no big deal??

It obviously is a big deal to the OP.

Infact, that would be a big deal in most relationships.

I am sure if most of people were locked up with one person and babies for months on end we’d be going all kinds of crazy too.

@MMmomDD We might feel a bit 'pot bound' and irritable but we wouldn't be looking at Tinder.

She can't trust him. At the very least it means he's fantasising about shagging/being with someone else; a real woman, not one that's acting in porn etc at the time and he knows it's just an idle fantasy. This isn't as idle, it could be acted on, it's more real/concrete. These are women he could meet this week.

@Mushyheadmuddythoughts Can you somehow get in the Tinder and see if he's messaged anyone? IDK if that makes a difference?

[quote MMmomDD]@Aerial2020

Yes. Woman or man - doesn’t really matter. Humans aren’t meant to be locked in for months with just one other adult and two little kids.
If the worst he has done in those months is to download Tinder - and looked at it - it’s not that big of a deal.
Point is - OP has no idea what her H did on it - did he just look and swipe? Did he chat to anyone? Etc.
And she seems to be jumping to conclusions without talking to him. While ignoring that these are not normal circumstances. IF what she says is true that they have been isolated for months.[/quote]
It really is a big deal for most people. The vast majority. Being dismissive of how upsetting lots of people have said they would find this doesn't make that any less the case. Most people would see this as a very big deal.

During lockdown a few of my friends downloaded Tinder our of total boredom. And we just looked and swiped. Without any intentions. Just because there wasn’t much to do.
We chatted among each other about the guys there. Totally harmless, as there never was an actual intention to do anything.

All I am saying - OP doesn’t seem to want to engage in communication to at least try to understand what her H is doing.
My guess is that the OP is herself suffering a lot of the effects of the lockdown, and with a new baby her hormones must be all over the place.
Her posts seem to oscillate quite a bit.
From early posts of being scared of losing him, and saying she is Ok with porn, and in general being a bit thoughtful. To today’s posts that read like a different person.
I do hope she finds some way to communicate with her H and feels better in general.