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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Found tinder on OHs fone!😥

122 replies

Mushyheadmuddythoughts · 16/09/2020 10:47

Not really sure what im looking for here a hand hold advice or just venting before i lose it..so backstory OH has been acting weird for a few months now we ve been together nearly 20years and ive NEVER suspected him of cheating. Recently hes been gettin up during the night(insomnia he says) and sitting in the lounge. When i waken up and check on him hes on his phone and quickly closes his phone and looks guilty. I let it go the first few times then i confront him after ALOT of talking he admits to watching porn i personally dnt have a problem with this. But this week i borrowed his phone when i type into the google search bar the 2nd thing that pops up is tinder! I was soo shocked but i didnt say anything i thought anyone can click on an ad by accident. So the nxt day i use his phone again and check through his apps hes got the app last used in july! He cant have been meeting people we ve been together 24/7 almost because of lockdown and us both sheilding what would you do? Confront him? Or accept its probably been a bit of dirty talk and not taken any further?!

OP posts:
SoulofanAggron · 16/09/2020 23:41

Thanks for everyones opinions but hes far from being a sleazy wanker i think some people on here arent being very constructive on this thread and might have a hatred for men

@Mushyheadmuddythoughts To an extent, but mainly I don't want you to blame yourself because it's not your fault, he didn't have to do this. I don't have any sympathy for him or care about whatever feelings supposedly led him to be a sleazeball, don't care what his excuse may be. What matters is what he chose to do, to you who were innocent. You didn't deserve it, no-one does. I'm not saying you're perfect, you're human, but nothing you did caused this.

newnameforthis123 · 16/09/2020 23:51
  • Webcam user
  • On a dating app while in a decades long relationship

More than enough to label him a sleazy wanker. Seriously. Grim.

SoulofanAggron · 16/09/2020 23:59

It might be worth looking at his WhatsApp too if he has one and you can- a lot of men message with women they've met on dating sites using that.

Mushyheadmuddythoughts · 17/09/2020 05:43

Well ive done it ive looked on his fone and he was on tinder last nite! Bastard!!! I need to confront him today how do i do this?!

OP posts:
Lex345 · 17/09/2020 05:47

Utter bastard! Take screenshots as proof OP, dont let him gaslight you. You are worth so much more than this. He doesnt deserve you. Keep hold of that when you confront him. Stay strong, you have got this

PremierInn · 17/09/2020 05:57

What are you willing to accept in terms of his lies about how he wasn't going to meet anyone, it's just fantasy, he is depressed, he needs counselling, cry cry, it's your fault etc. There's a script that he will follow of lie/minimise/deflect. It's up to you but it's worth being prepared by thinking where your lines are. I hope you can work it out between you. I doubt he will change though so it's more about what you can accept or turn a blind eye to, or make your own plans to suit you

Mushyheadmuddythoughts · 17/09/2020 06:06

@SoulofanAggron thank you for being kind i know deep down i dont deserve any of this but i cant help thinking why hes done this to me..to us. Im sitting here alone crying its all sinking in now i need to get myself together before my kids waken up

OP posts:
Mushyheadmuddythoughts · 17/09/2020 06:08

@Lex345 thanks i need to remember that when i confront him i feel sick to my stomach we have a baby a 4month old baby ffs!

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 17/09/2020 06:15

Webcams aren’t free, are they? (I have no idea) Do you have a joint account? check your statements and bring it up that way?
Is he using WiFi to access them? me & my hubby’s ads seem to morph together, e.g if he looks at trainers, I start getting ads for trainers/sportswear. Could you say, erm I keep getting ads adult content on my phone...Hmm any idea why that would be????????
If it’s an app, can’t you see the icon anyway?

Lex345 · 17/09/2020 06:15

Disgusting. He is disgusting. Stay calm, stick to the facts do not let him minimise it, excuse it, or try and somehow blame you for it. Wait until you can discuss properly. You can do this OP x

Mushyheadmuddythoughts · 17/09/2020 06:25

@Lex345 thanks for listening i just dont understand why now? I just dont know how to confront him does anyone know what KIK is?

OP posts:
Lex345 · 17/09/2020 06:28

KIK is a messaging service. Highly suspect as anonymous and you can uninstall/reinstall at will.

Because he can. Its shit, but often thats the only reason. Stay strong x

Potterpotterpotter · 17/09/2020 06:41

Kik is a messaging app. So he can make up a username and give that to women and speak on it instead of giving his number.

You can delete the app and reinstall it and log back in and all of your ‘contacts’ stay on it.

A lot of men use it while trying to be sly (and women)).

Mushyheadmuddythoughts · 17/09/2020 06:46

Hes done this to the kids aswell breaking up a family for this?!

OP posts:
Mushyheadmuddythoughts · 17/09/2020 06:47

I dont have anywhere i can go he controls all the finances

OP posts:
popcornlover · 17/09/2020 06:52

He’s never cheated before, or you have never caught him before and therefore oblivious to past indiscretions?

So many women on here live sheltered lives and don’t understand the extent to which men get obsessed with other women. It’s all “my husband would never do that”, but then two weeks later it’s “my husband is acting weird”.

popcornlover · 17/09/2020 06:56

And KIK is very dodgy! That’s your very proof he’s up to no good right there!

See, how can women ever know their husbands are up to no good if they don’t even know what KIK is? This is what I mean about the delusional, sheltered women on here. Your men will have done a lot of browsing on dating sites and hook up sites to get to know about KIK. Whilst you were all washing his socks....

Lex345 · 17/09/2020 06:58

Mushy, it is so selfish of him and the trouble is these things tend to snowball and escalate. Just the Tinder profile would be enough for me. Is KIK actively on his phone?

popcornlover · 17/09/2020 07:00

This reply has been deleted

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QuietSunday · 17/09/2020 07:02

So sorry to hear this.

He will tell you that it installed without his knowledge and he just had a look. Or he saw an ad and looked because he was bored curious. Or it popped up and he was curious.

When you challenge that nonsense, he will tell you that a friend/colleague is on it and he did download it because he was curious. But he never messaged anyone and doesn't have an account.

When you challenge that, he will tell you that he only made an account because he needed to to have a look but didn't intend on using it.

When you challenge that, he will tell you that someone messaged him and he only replied to tell them he wasn't interested.

When you challenge that (because swiping), he will tell you that he did message but only to ask what it was all about and nothing was said or that he was looking for a harmless ego boost or that he was bored in lockdown and wanted some excitement. He will also tell you he had no intention of doing anything about it or leaving you.

Then, he may, or may not, finally admit to chatting/sexting/arranging to meet someone.

The script is well thumbed.

As for this... consider letting him live in his fantasy land. If it’s all tinder and porn then it’s not really different to me looking on rightmove at the million pound houses. it's very different.

Houses aren't people. I'd suggest this poster has either no experience of the current situation or is living it and this is how they rationalise it to themselves.

QuietSunday · 17/09/2020 07:04

And KIK is very dodgy! That’s your very proof he’s up to no good right there!

Has she said she has found this? I can only see that others have asked about it and she has asked what it is.

beenwhereyouare · 17/09/2020 07:05

How has he had time with a newborn in the house? For some reason that makes it so much worse. Men seem to save their worst behavior until you're in a situation where you feel trapped.

There is help for you out there. I'm not from the UK, so I can't assist you with resources, but someone else here will have some suggestions.
You deserve so much more than being cheated on. 💜

BritInAus · 17/09/2020 07:06

How to bring it up? I would take his phone (perhaps when he's asleep, lock yourself in a bathroom) with your phone too. Log into tinder - the actual app. Screenshot conversations in the inbox and text them to your own phone.

I would then show him the screenshots and ask 'care to explain?' Of course, he will have a million excuses. None of them really matter - it's more what do you do next? I feel for you, OP.

Mushyheadmuddythoughts · 17/09/2020 07:13

@BritInAus this is exactly my dilema what do i do next? Ive worked full time all of my life but now ive got 2small children i cant i have no one to look after them thats what i mean by him having control over all the finances hes the bread winner i dont mean he doesnt allow me to have money

OP posts:
PremierInn · 17/09/2020 07:19

Just take your time. He has taken his, now the ball is in your court. You can decide what you want to do when it suits you. For example, you could confront him now and tell him to stop but not throw him out, then change your mind and throw him out in a year's time, or two, when you feel stronger. That would probably involve believing the lies he will tell you, until you feel stronger. Or throw him out as a 'short sharp shock' then take him back and pretend to believe he has changed. Or turn a blind eye - some people do - either short or long term

Do you have a trusted friend you can talk to? Family who can help with childcare?