Concerns about DW and therapist - am I paranoid?

[StonedRoses]

I’ve posted before about my concerns about the Male therapist has been seeing for the last three years. Let’s call him John. He’s a little unorthodox and the process has lead to my DW going nc with her entire family. I’ve really no idea about whether the memories they have unearthed are correct or not. But that’s a side issue to today

One of my concerns has been the frequency of contact. Often 2-3 times a week. Text and email between and often arranged at short notice. There have been emergency they sit sessions, sometimes meeting at a local park or in the car

This week she told me on Friday at 5pm she had a phone call with John at 6. Then she left the house to make the call from the car, for privacy of course. However she then drove off and come back a couple of hours later.
Again yesterday her scheduled session is Thursday. Mid afternoon she text me to say she has another session straight after work

A friend of mine who can be a bit cynical has said to me ‘are you sure there’s nothing else going on’. And it’s got me thinking. I’m sure there isn’t and I hate feeling paranoid. But even so it does feel like current contact is OTT and rather eating into family time.

Just read thread - well, your messages at least. You clearly care a lot and I disagree with any posters saying you don't.

But I do think she's at the very least having an emotional affair with John. Or someone else.

But you won't track or follow her. She won't admit anything. And you won't leave her. Nor can you make a complaint as you aren't the client. So all that remains would be to try to live your lives as best you can. I think it'll make you ill eventually or, it'll all implode when she either leaves you for him, or for someone else, or joins a cult or wherever this is leading. I admire your resolve to stand by your wife but I worry for you.

It looks to me as though you are burying your head in the sand re: the state of your marriage I'm afraid to say. Easier to think she is being manipulated than she's having an affair perhaps.

@StonedRoses

No one in person at all believed it except my wife and her therapist. But there are plenty of articles out there saying that SRA does exist and describes exactly what she believes. Including abusers going to great lengths to cover it up. Dissociation and repression of memory and recovered memory are very controversial debates in psychology, with strong views on both sides

When you say SRA, do you mean satanic ritual abuse? If so, then you are completely wrong that there is any sort of controversy about its existence. There is absolutely no evidence that satanic ritual abuse is or ever was a genuine phenomenon. The widely publicized cases from the 1980s and '90s were part of a moral panic, not an actual epidemic of satanism. Unfortunately, as we all know, sexual abuse of children does happen in families. But the wild claims of SRA really should not be taken seriously.

It is very significant that the original idea about abuse came from your wife's therapist ("John thinks I was a victim"). If you read any of the literature about the fragility and malleability of memory, you will see that it is frighteningly easy to create false memories. These recollections then become "real" for the person, but that doesn't make them accurate representations of the past. Rejecting any evidence to the contrary (the photos, etc.) shows how deep your wife's delusions have become.

I struggle with why she would cut all of her family and friends out of her life and concoct a story of SRA as a cover for an affair ..... a bit of an over engineered smoke screen don’t you think?

I would drop the affair thinking - I think it’s a red herring. Even if she is sexually involved with him it is likely because she has been coerced and manipulated. There is certainly an emotional dependency and if this constitutes an emotional affair who knows - again I would err on the side that she is being manipulated.

I think it’s important to accept that she believes the SRA herself right now - no matter how much proof you have otherwise and that is why the direction of professionals expert in this this area is critical. She is mentally v fragile and an informed strategic approach is required.

The question is do you believe in the SRA?

If you do believe her - then these crimes need reporting to the police (by you) and your DW needs the appropriate and specific care, support and treatment of experts in the field of CSA PTSD - and it is negligent of you not to encourage this.

If you don’t believe her then you have another set of actions to take.

Currently while you sit on the fence for years - your wife, DC, extended family, marriage etc is falling apart.

If you need emotional support to soothe your fear, jolt you out of your paralysis and support your actions then see your own therapist. Have you had any support for the anxiety that brought you to “John” in the first place? Looks like this is fogging your brain.

I'm a therapist and I can say I would never behave as this "John" is. I have weekly set times for my sessions, I would never arrange a short notice type session and there is limited communication in between sessions. This guy seems very unethical in my opinion, you could get him investigated if your concerned. Trust me it's not a normal therapeutic relationship they have x

"Currently while you sit on the fence for years - your wife, DC, extended family, marriage etc is falling apart.

If you need emotional support to soothe your fear, jolt you out of your paralysis and support your actions then see your own therapist. Have you had any support for the anxiety that brought you to “John” in the first place? Looks like this is fogging your brain."

This. Dear OP - I'm sorry if it seems like some of us are being very hard on you. But it is out of concern for you, your wife, your son and your extended family, all of whose lives are being torn apart by this situation; some of whom are very elderly such that they may die with this dreadful shadow hanging over the family (indeed, anyone may die at any time), which I think would itself have appalling emotional consequences for your wife, and indeed also your son, if your wife were ever to accept that she had got this wrong.

This situation has now gone on for 3 years. It's clear positive action is required.

No one I know who has counselling kept up face to face during lockdown. Even a child I know with severe MH issues, self harm, suicide attempts etc. Moved to virtual

Please forgive the derail but Sss and Dolphin are there any books about the SRA you can recommend please? Searching just brings up memoirs and treatment type things rather than from the false memory side. I only ever briefly learned about false memory stuff (Loftus?) in college and avoided the idea at the time as an abuse survivor who had repressed it until 13ish. But I’m quite interested in this subject.

Sorry again OP

My sessions are virtual too belle which has been difficult TBH, I even asked about outdoors etc but she is very strict on boundaries and privacy and said that the issued guidance still means she’s sticking to online

I too am worried you aren’t getting support for your own anxiety OP, it seems like what’s happened with John has taken priority and taken over your relationship :(

I agree with other recent posts - you really to take some action, and soon. Avoiding it is only prolonging the agony.

There is no question that her story and actions do not add up in any way - there is some level of falsehood or deception or irregularity here, regardless of the cause or instigator.

Your wife is either lying to you, or being horribly exploited by another. You have to stop this now.

Please stop worrying about protecting this 'therapist' and start focusing on protecting yourself and your immediate and wider family.

You clearly have plenty of support on here - but you also need support in real life.

For your own mental health - you sound like you are in agony, unsurprisingly; and also to get to the bottom of what is going on with your wife.

If she won't let you in to what is really going on, then it is time to ask for help from others to start unraveling the situation. I wish you all luck.

You won't need to "protect" the therapist if he's doing anything wrong.

Exactly @PegLegAntoine and from what OP says, they were still meeting during the proper lockdown. The only way someone would be receiving face to face care during lockdown would be if they were sectioned, hospitalised or in some other kind of emergency situation. Or if their therapist was a totally unprofessional loon

There’s a podcast series called The Shrink Next Door which is about an extremely manipulative therapist in the US. It’s fascinating. People are capable of all sorts and I think John is a predatory therapist. Wishing you luck with it

Actually PPs make a good point.

Go get yourself a therapist, a properly registered, non kooky, well reviewed one.

Let’s see what they have to say, and if they can clear the fog...

This sounds dodgy as hell. Have you done a thorough excavation into this therapist on the internet? Not just google, other browsers that don’t block some of the links google does.

@DolphinsAndNemesis I'm afraid you are mistaken in your idea that SRA does not exist, it is horrific to contemplate but it most definitely happens and is happening.

That is not to say that this is definitely what is happening here, the therapist sounds dodgy af. But either way true or untrue what you know is that the therapist has developed an unhealthy unethical relationship with your wife which crosses all professional boundaries. This is the place from which you need to act to protect your family. Do you think your wife would consent to seeing a clinical psychologist qualified in the area of childhood trauma? I the context of getting more support? I echo others in saying please seek some professional support for yourself, whatever happens you are going to need it.

PegLegAntoine, there is a book called Satanic Panic that dissects the phenomenon of the moral panic around so-called SRA in the U.S. Really interesting stuff from the psychological and sociological perspective.

Queenelsarules, there is no evidence whatsoever that satanic cults have ever organised the ritual abuse of children.

@DolphinsAndNemesis having come across SRA in a therapeutic context I beg to differ. I have heard things I wish I had never heard. It does a great disservice to all survivors of abuse to dismiss SRA.

I don't wish to derail the OP's thread further, but once again there is simply no evidence that such a phenomenon as SRA has ever existed. We all know the sad truth that sexual abuse of children does happen. But I would say it does a huge disservice to survivors of abuse to believe in SRA when it has been so thoroughly discredited. I do think that many of the therapists who promoted the idea were well-intentioned. But like others they were caught up in a moral panic.

@DolphinsAndNemesis and all the others stating SRA doesn’t happen. There are even posters on this thread who have said they were part of SRA! I find it highly disrespectful and invalidating that you claim otherwise because “you’ve read a book” or an online article. Imagine being told your childhood sexual abuse for example didn’t exist because it was stated in a book that it’s a myth. 🙄 I find it hard to comprehend how some people’s narrow minds work.

SRA does happen, I have a couple of friends who have been involved in supporting victims of it. I have no personal experience of it, my own SA involved Christians sadly, including my F.

But it's clear that there were therapists who used SRA to manipulate vulnerable victims into believing it had happened to them, so I understand the scepticism. However, the fact that there were unscrupulous therapists who jumped on the bandwagon for their own personal gain, doesn't mean there aren't any genuine victims of SRA.

Okay, people - why not take your arguments about that detail off this thread and go and argue somewhere else?

This thread was started by someone who is clearly in pain and asking for help; maybe that should be the focus here?

Thank you for the book dolphins

Sorry again for derail Stoned

Anything further happen op?