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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

backed into a corner

99 replies

Going4gold · 13/09/2020 21:05

A few years ago I slept with a married man and became pregnant with my daughter. We both agreed not to see each other again and I would bring up the baby. Only a few people know , He agreed to financially support but was not in our lives. He saw the baby a few times and that was it. Our arrangement worked as we both carried on with our lives. I have not had meaningful contact with this man for years. I met a new partner when daughter was 2 and he is the only father she knows. We are happy.

Out of the blue this man has made contact asking to see her, he says he told his parents about her and they want to meet her. He also says as she has just started school he should be involved. Obviously I did not expect this and im reluctant. My daughter is too young to understand and I was hoping to tell her when she is older. I feel this will disrupt our family life. Also his wife will definitely not be happy.

OP posts:

FudgeBrownie2019 · 13/09/2020 21:11

What's the AIBU - do you want answers about his right to access or do you want to know if you have the right to turn him away? (Not being facetious, just want to know what you're hoping for).

Has he explained why he's had this sudden change of heart? For your DD to be in school that means he's been absent from her life for at least 4 years - can he guarantee he won't have another change of heart and walk away? I'd be very reluctant to open her up to getting hurt by someone she has no current bond with, so if you do progress and allow some access, do it in minuscule steps and only go with what your DD is comfortable with.

PurpleFlower1983 · 13/09/2020 21:13

Does he still financially support her?

SillyCow6 · 13/09/2020 21:18

The first thing that jumps out at me is - do you mean your dd thinks your dp is her dad?

Im.not sure about the right to access, esp if he is financially supporting her, sorry

Crazycrazylady · 13/09/2020 21:19

I think your daughter deserves a chance to have her biological father in her life. She may never forgive you if she found out that you had denied him access .

DarkDarkNight · 13/09/2020 21:19

I wonder what has prompted him to tell his parents about your child now? Is he still together with his wife?

I think if he wants contact, then it is best for your daughter if she can have contact with both parents. Obviously you will need to handle it sensitively, but this man is her dad. If she has just started school she is young enough to adapt.

Original poster

Going4gold · 13/09/2020 22:57

sorry i think I was just looking for advice. Yes he is still supporting her, I never really asked for support as i have a good job but he insisted that was the least he could do. Yes he has not had contact in 4yrs.He saw her a few times but that's it. My DP is good and loves my daughter. It would break his heart if this man started taking his place (i know he is not her father but he has been there) Also my daughter would be confused at this age if I introduced her to this man. Also he has children with his wife. I don't know if they are still together. I just want him to leave us.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 13/09/2020 22:59

I think your daughter deserves a chance to have her biological father in her life. She may never forgive you if she found out that you had denied him access .

I agree.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 13/09/2020 23:30

I think the thing that everyone needs to think about is what's in the best interests of your daughter.

Is that springing a stranger on her and expecting them to spend time together? No

Equally is it keeping her in the dark and denying her the chance to know about and have a relationship with her biological father if she wants to? No.

There is surely a middle ground. I think for most people this would be introducing the idea of a biological father gradually, showing her pictures, him writing her letters and then if he is still intent on a relationship, then building up to some low key meetings (eg at the park where it's less intense and she can go and play) and then gradually spending short amounts of time together before building up to more contact.
Your disrupted family life and the wife's feelings are not as important as your daughters.

ToastyCrumpet · 13/09/2020 23:33

Is his name on her birth certificate?

purpleme12 · 13/09/2020 23:35

Yes the right thing here however hard it is, is to allow them chance to know each other
Because if your daughter ever found out you didn't facilitate it there is a good chance she wouldn't forgive you
This just be a shock for you though
Take some time to process it and think about how to do it

BrummyMum1 · 13/09/2020 23:38

If he’s waited 4 years he can wait a bit longer until she’s settled into school and you’ve had lots of time to discuss this with her in advance.

BackforGood · 13/09/2020 23:43

What @OoohTheStatsDontLie said.

Original poster

Going4gold · 14/09/2020 13:30

Thanks everyone, I do like a slow introduction. I know i have to do it sometime but she is just so young. Stats i think the letter thing might be helpful.
Brummymum that is my thought, he has not played a part since she was born, why now why not wait until she can understand.

Toasty his name is not on the birth certificate as at that time he did not want to make it official in case his wife found out. The financial support is not through official means, just a deposit in daughter's account. He did not want a trail that could lead to his wife knowing. I don't understand what has changed but I wish he would leave us.
The 2 purples you are right she will eventually want to know her real father but I just think not now.

Also my daughter has 2 sets of grandparents who are very involved. DP parents treat her like all their grandchildren. To introduce a 3rd set would be too confusing.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 14/09/2020 13:38

Also my daughter has 2 sets of grandparents who are very involved. DP parents treat her like all their grandchildren. To introduce a 3rd set would be too confusing.

Why should it be too confusing? Children grow up in complicated households and they adapt.

I’m not sure this is about her. I think it’s about you.

TheDuchessofMalfy · 14/09/2020 13:46

I agree with those who say introduce the idea slowly. Maybe introduce him in the way you would a family friend to start with?

He can’t just start taking her for days out without you straight off the bat.

forrestgreen · 14/09/2020 13:50

I think it'd actually be easier to explain now, rather than to a ten year old who will be very upset and angry with you. As it's you who've lied to her.
You evaded the question over whether she thinks dp is her dad.

You need to start talking about different family set ups.
She needs to understand dp isn't her dad but loves her
She needs to know who her dad is, a photo card, a present, trip to the park with you too etc

AryaStarkWolf · 14/09/2020 13:51

I see why you wish he would have stayed away so YANBU for that however I think it would be selfish and unfair to stop your daughter knowing her biological father. I would definitely want to sit down with him first though and find out why he's suddenly interested now

Florencex · 14/09/2020 14:12

I can also understand why you wish he had stayed away, but that really is more for your convenience and your DPs. For her, it is better that she has the opportunity to know her biological father. I don’t know what is the best way to go about that, but I do think it is better whilst she is younger.

Beautiful3 · 14/09/2020 14:14

I think I would feel the same as you. I wouldn't want to do it. But children do adapt, perhaps it would be even better with a third set of grand parents to spoil her? Have you asked him, why this sudden change of heart?

BarbedBloom · 14/09/2020 14:16

Don't lie to her about who her father is, no good will come from it. A friend of mine found out as an adult due to a test she had to have done and doesn't speak to her mother anymore.

If he wants contact he could go through the courts. Best to do it on your terms

RunningFromInsanity · 14/09/2020 14:17

A younger child is much more open to change than a hormone ridden teenager.

I’m afraid your reluctance to introduce them is more to do with not wanting to accept your mistake and ruin your perfect family life.

They have a right to get to know each other.

heymacaroner · 14/09/2020 14:50

You need to have a proper discussion with him, face to face, to discuss what role he is looking to play in your DCs life.
I don't think it's fair to introduce him and then have him disappear off again, and if he's looking to suddenly be quite prominent in her life then I would want to see evidence of that commitment being long term before I allowed him to take that role. If he's serious about being involved he will be happy to show his commitment up front.
Your DC will be much less confused now than in a few more years. I don't think you can just refuse to allow him in at all as then your DC will never have the opportunity to know their father which doesn't seem fair.
I understand your concerns about your DP and his family but unfortunately this is always a complication where there are step parents involved and your DP should understand and respect that he isn't the biological dad and there was always a chance the ex would appear again on the scene. He might need some comfort and support from you that you won't expect his relationship with your DC to change.
I would also want a clear understanding of the ex's situation with his wife and evidence of the same before I would allow him to play a big role. It wouldn't be good for you, your DP or your DC if it turned out the wife was still around and still didn't know and then that all imploded on you all one day.

oreshina · 14/09/2020 14:52

What AryaStarkWolf said.

Disfordarkchocolate · 14/09/2020 14:56

I think now is a good age, she will be much more accepting now than in a few years when the feeling of being lied too will be stronger.

I'd look for a book to help explain this to her, there is bound to be one. If not tell it to her as as part of her story and take things very slowly.

She'll be fine if you don't make a big deal of it. Extra people to love a child is a much better way to think about it.

Have you thought about having some counselling sessions to talk this out with someone neutral? I think it would help.

Barryisland · 14/09/2020 15:04

How sad that your and the birth fathers selfishness in having an affair will cause this little girl grief. Shame on you both.

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