backed into a corner

[Going4gold]

A few years ago I slept with a married man and became pregnant with my daughter. We both agreed not to see each other again and I would bring up the baby. Only a few people know , He agreed to financially support but was not in our lives. He saw the baby a few times and that was it. Our arrangement worked as we both carried on with our lives. I have not had meaningful contact with this man for years. I met a new partner when daughter was 2 and he is the only father she knows. We are happy.

Out of the blue this man has made contact asking to see her, he says he told his parents about her and they want to meet her. He also says as she has just started school he should be involved. Obviously I did not expect this and im reluctant. My daughter is too young to understand and I was hoping to tell her when she is older. I feel this will disrupt our family life. Also his wife will definitely not be happy.

Of course she isn't far too young to 'know her back story' she's old enough to understand that she has a biological dad. And of course it won't be ten years until she starts asking questions, how ridiculous

I understand the heartache, but to be fair, if you fall pregnant with a married man's child then you can't really expect it all to run smoothly. This sounds like it's a pretty good set-up on balance. You and DP have a settled home, she has two sets of grandparents. All that is happening, all being well, is that you're adding more people who will care for her into the mix. She deserves to know who her biological father and family are. Now is a good age to do that and she'll adapt to it much faster than you. It sounds like you're most concerned about the effect on your DP, which doesn't sound quite right, given that he's only been there for two years and you're not married. He will have known that this day would come and if he truly has your DD's best interests at heart, he'll facilitate the relationship with her father. Your DP always was a step-dad and it's not a relegation or a denigration. Step-dad's can be better than real dads. And again he's only your DP of two years so there's a long way to go yet.

Talk to your ex, find out what he has in mind and take it from there. But as you've described it, you're not backed into a corner. You've been in a bubble and now you're back in reality and you just have to deal with it. Hopefully things will be better for it.

Just a suggestion- build on the distinction between a biological father and a ‘Dad’.
If she understands dp is her Dad and will always love her and be her Dad, but this other ‘Name’ is her biological father, that’s as much as this guy deserves and honours the relationship that has grown between her and your dp.
He has to understand that he won’t be her Dad if he comes into her life now, he abdicated that responsibility.
He could be a family friend, who happens to be her biological father and can also be there for her.
The grandparents likewise can be ‘Bob and Sue’, just extra nice people who she can have in her life.

I'd be checking that your daughter will not be a secret, will get to know any half siblings if relevant, etc etc, before going any further.

As as separate issue, she needs to know that her Dad is not her biological father, and thats fine, he is still 'Dad'.

It might actually be a good thing that this has come up now if your dd currently believes that your DP is her biological parent.
It is much easier to get younger dc to accept different set ups.
I agree with doing it slowly and at your dd's pace.
It is usually considered in the best interests of dc that they have contact with their parents and as a pp said getting a paternity test and PR isn't that difficult.
So working with dad is probably going to be to your advantage.
It is very normal to have extended families nowadays so your dd won't stand out.

There are likely to be issues with the other family, judgement and inheritance etc further down the line but I don't see they could really be avoided in this set up.

Before doing anything I would want him to explain why now, what about his wife, any other siblings, how he envisages being in her life, what role he wants to play now etc. I wouldn't want my DD to be meeting him and the GP on the sly and I would want to make it very clear that all contact would be on my terms at a pace which my DD is confirmable with.

It would be better now than later. She is still young and there is more chance that she will forget finding this out and it will just be normal to her. later you are risking lots of feelings of betrayal about being lied to.

Gradual introduction. I direct contact first. She will benefit from having more people to love her and help her.

Yep it's shit for you but parenting brings these difficult moments

Going4gold - what does your daughter call your DP?

Thanks everyone, all your suggestions are welcome.
Computer i agree ,why does he think he can just swoop in. Its so unfair. I kept my end of the bargain by never contacting him again or disrupting his life.
Kaiserin i agree he wanted this and I went along. He only saw her a few times during
our discussions, only because he wanted to make sure i was not going to turn up at his home. DP stepped in and we have been happy.
Felicity I am afraid if I don't agree he could take me to court.

Those asking if daughter thinks DP is biological father, no but i doubt she understands. We tried to explain to her but she just looked at us and continued playing. All she knows is she lives with mum and dad. Its not a secret as DP only came into our lives when she was almost 2. The family knows.
Another thing that worries me is having to explain to family who this man is?
Frumpety I am also wondering what has changed, might be his parents pushing or maybe he told his wife.

Sleeping,I have no wish to ever meet him again, see his photos or read his letters. I know its not about me.
I will have to sit down with him and ask questions, let him explain why now.
Sunny thank you for your messages

@Going4gold
I would want to know what his plan was.

Has he told his wife and kids? I wouldn't let him meet dd unless it was all out in the open. I wouldn't let him sneak around and meet her. She deserves better.

If he wants dd in his life then she needs to be on the same level as his other dc. She's not a dirty secret.

I would check how serious he is first.

I would do that by saying it is important to make sure all the adults in DDs life are aligned on how to handle this.

Suggest he sets up a meeting with the four key people who would have most influence: you and your DP who are DDs world now, meeting up with him and his DW who will be coming into DDs world.

This way if he wants to see DD but expects her to be part of lying to his wife as she gets older, that's a total non-starter.

I think it's in her best interest to know her dad and grandparents. She will grow up and she may resent you for refusing her contact. Start slow but I'd say shes at a good age for it.
How it makes your partner feel isn't really relevant, it's about her.

Felicity I am afraid if I don't agree he could take me to court.

You might not agree, but he absolutely can.

Your daughter does have a right to know her father, and potentially have a relationship with him. At least if you do it this way you have more control than if he went to court and was awarded access to her. Stay with her to begin with while she gets to know him.

I know it must feel catastrophic but you don’t have to explain yourself to other people. Or you could just say you were in a short relationship that didn’t work out. It’s actually better for your daughter to have more people who love her in her life, so getting to know her grandparents could be a blessing.

I’d start by getting some books on blended families for her.

Whether he is on the birth certificate or not, your daughter has the right to have a relationship with both parents (unless a court decides otherwise).

If pressed to go down that route things could get very acrimonious and very expensive. Very quickly. I think you need to have a sensible, mature adult conversation about what his long-term aims are, and how you want to support your daughter.

If it goes to court he is likely to eventually be awarded contact. Best to do this on good amicable terms that you can timetable rather than the alternative.

Yes he could take you to court. If he did that would show he was serious about being an active open part of her life. Which would then make things relatively easy. You probably wouldn't get as far as court, given that.

I am a right cynical old duffer. I don't think his wife knows. I think his parents somehow found out and have given him hell. Like most of us would if we found out our married son has a secret baby with OW. That's why I have suggested the two couples meeting up. I reckon he will vanish faster than teenager when the hoovering needs doing.

If you put this off you risk your daughter being upset and angry with you. He’s clearly been invested in some way if he’s been financially supporting her. I would imagine his personal circumstances have changed which has given him the ability to come forward. If you put this off, two years will turn into five years and in the blink of an eye your daughter will be a teenager. The advice you’ve already been given on here is spot on. Do it now whilst your daughter is young enough to not be extremely hurt. You have to think of her and not your own reticence.

My parents told me my mother wasn't my biological mother, when I was 10. Please don't wait - I found it incredibly traumatic. Much better to be honest with her, and for her to grow up knowing the truth.

Another thing that worries me is having to explain to family who this man is?

Which family? Who do your family think the father is?

am afraid if I don't agree he could take me to court

He could go to court, it wouldn't be taking you to court, it would be going to court to seek parental responsibility and then contact with this dd.

The UK is set up to meet what it considers to be the best interests of the child and rightly or wrongly that usually means PR and contact.

Your secrets in relation to who this man is are not your dd's to keep, that shouldn't form part of your calculations.

There is no need to set up joint meetings with partners, most families don't work like this when split. It would be sensible to establish who knows what before going forward.

Ultimately though it is probably not going to be in your control to prevent contact so it might be better to focus on setting up consistent and at first low key communications that are child led.

Felicity I am afraid if I don't agree he could take me to court.

Refusing to agree that he could do it doesn't make that possibility go away.

Madeforthis I don't know if the wife knows, I suspect its only his parents and maybe siblings but I could be wrong.
Tork not sure how serious he is , i have no desire to meet up but that might be my only choice.
Felicity i was agreeing with you, im hoping he doesn't resort to that
Nancy she calls DP dad.She has known him since she started talking properly so we eventually agreed she could call him dad.
Widdlin I am going to ask him about the wife, I don't know if he wants everything out
Causingchaos I absolutely feel pushed into a corner.

Thanks everyone who has suggested books about mixed families. I will order some. Unfortunately I don't think he is going to give me time , he is very forceful and will push to get his way.

He doesn't have to get his way, it's about what's best for your daughter. And that's a gradual approach. I'd ask him to make up a photo book, him, wife, children, house, his family etc. So you can talk about him. So he's not a stranger.

But the conversations are better now than in the future. You just don't want change