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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

backed into a corner

99 replies

Going4gold · 13/09/2020 21:05

A few years ago I slept with a married man and became pregnant with my daughter. We both agreed not to see each other again and I would bring up the baby. Only a few people know , He agreed to financially support but was not in our lives. He saw the baby a few times and that was it. Our arrangement worked as we both carried on with our lives. I have not had meaningful contact with this man for years. I met a new partner when daughter was 2 and he is the only father she knows. We are happy.

Out of the blue this man has made contact asking to see her, he says he told his parents about her and they want to meet her. He also says as she has just started school he should be involved. Obviously I did not expect this and im reluctant. My daughter is too young to understand and I was hoping to tell her when she is older. I feel this will disrupt our family life. Also his wife will definitely not be happy.

OP posts:
MrsPnut · 14/09/2020 17:24

I'd want to meet him first and find out exactly what he is expecting and what his wife knows.
The last thing your daughter needs is him sweeping in, making grand gestures and taking her to meet lots of strangers and then disappearing again.
Children need consistency and your daughter currently has that - He has no parental responsibility by not being named on the birth certificate and him making payments has no basis for parental responsibility.
He would have to apply to the court for PR and they would certainly ask why he wasn't recorded on the birth certificate. Paying maintenance and having contact are not linked in any way.

Porcupineinwaiting · 14/09/2020 17:25

The younger your daughter is when you introduce the idea that she has a biological dad the better. Frankly she should have heard this from you years ago, before she could really understand it. FGS tell her.

Going forward, it would be good if he had at least some minimal contact with her. But he needs to prove himself. Talk to him. Is he after a 1 off meeting (say no) or wanting some sort of reliable relationship (doesnt have to be seeing her reg but could be v occasional meet ups and birthday and Christmas cards).

He is no position to insist in being involved in decisions in her care btw, he doesn't even know her. Nor is she a toy to be paraded for her grandparents (although they may be lovely caring people).

YANBU to be wary but you are BU to want to keep her in the dark about who she is. That can bring her nothing but harm.

PlateTectonics · 14/09/2020 17:25

OP, a close friend of mine has been in a similar position.

It is much, much better to do it now when she will just accept this kind of thing, than in a few years time when she will feel like she has been lied to or had things hidden from her. I can completely understand why you are feeling disconcerted and upset, but I honestly believe it is in your daughter's best interests to do this at her age (in a sensitive, gradual way).

MomToTwoBabas · 14/09/2020 17:26

YABU

MorganKitten · 14/09/2020 17:31

Im sad for my DP who has done nothing wrong other than bring up a daughter as his but will now be delegated to step parent.

But he is her step parent, and there is nothing wrong with that my dad is my step dad. Bio dad I call by his name. Nothing will change the relationship we have, but the longer you leave it she’ll feel lied to and that’s when it’ll change the relationship.

TorkTorkBam · 14/09/2020 17:35

You are jumping about fifteen steps ahead!

The first few steps don't even involve DD knowing.

Even if everything went as well as it could then it would be months before DD would be spending any significant time with her biological father and her paternal grandparents. Even then why would she reject her stepdad and grandparents?

Something in your ex's life has triggered this. It might disappear as suddenly as it arrived.

I would suggest you arrange for you, him, his wife and your husband to all meet up for coffee to discuss what is best way to proceed for DD's sake. You will learn a lot from his reaction.

SpaceOP · 14/09/2020 17:38

I think if she is going to have a relationship with this man, introducing it now will be infinitely easier than doing so in 10 years time. So that's actually the plus side and I think it would be relatively simple to drop into conversation that her biological daddy is around with a little thought and preparation.

To that end...

You do need to make sure that both you and him understand what the plan is and to protect her you need to understand what he wants. Does he genuinely want a relationship and does he have her best interests at heart? if he does, he will be understanding of wanting to handle this sensitively.

At the very least, I'd be meeting up with him to discuss it and understand what he's expecting and what he wants to happen. Depending on how that goes, you can then decide on next steps. Ideally together.

alfagirl73 · 14/09/2020 17:45

Just to say that, speaking as an adoptee, the younger the child learns about these things the better. It's not complicated or confusing to them - when they are very young they just accept things they are told - they don't over-think it. It's only a big deal if you make it one.

Explain it to her in a simple, age-appropriate but factual way, let her ask questions if and when she wants - and that's it. Children don't see something as "unusual" or "complicated" unless you present it to them that way.

My adoptive parents were reading bedtime stories to me about adoption from day one... I grew up knowing no different and it was MY "normal". I'm a firm believer in telling children about these sorts of things as young as possible - it's easier and fairer on the child. Leave it later and they WILL over-think it - as well as have to deal with learning that they were lied to.

lipstickonapig · 14/09/2020 17:48

I wouldn't, it sounds like it is being driven by his parents not him. He could just decide to disengage again and you will have to deal with the fallout. It could get even more complicated if he doesn't want to be involved (maybe because of issues with his wife and family) but his parents do. Introduce the idea to her gradually as she gets older, so she understands that your partner is not her father and it's not a shock, and she can decide for herself if she wants to make contact. I think the risk is too great that it will go sideways and potentially damage your daughter. He made it very clear he didn't want to be involved, it seems very presumptuous of him to think he (and his parents) can change the terms of your agreement and reappear when he wants, not when you think it's best for her.

SideAfries · 14/09/2020 17:58

I get you not wanting it, you’ve done the hard work for 4 years, your life is settled & now he chooses to waltz back in.

It’s unfair on you OP, but saying no to this would be unfair on your DD. If you love her as much as I’m sure you do, you have to try to facilitate this. Extended family will not be confusing for her in the long run, more people who love & care for your DD can only be a good thing.

Buttercupsandroses · 14/09/2020 17:59

Op it would be better to do it now rather than shock her When she's older

Bubbaella · 14/09/2020 18:06

Op several people have asked you this and you’ve ignored it. Does your dd think your dp is her biological father?

TheTrollFairy · 14/09/2020 18:14

You can put him off for as long as you like, legally, he has nothing (at the moment) that would give him access to your daughter.
Have you asked him if his wife knows? Is he even still with her? That’s the only reason why I can see he’s now come out of the woodwork, you have the right to know why after 4 years he has decided now is the time.

Your daughter is the innocent one in this and although I am of the opinion that parents should have equal access, this is a man who decided not to see his child so therefore your daughter is a stranger to him (and visa versa).
I think your daughter is at the age now that you can explain about families and it won’t really change her mind.
Her dad is the man she currently calls dad. If the biological dad does come into the picture then I wouldn’t stress about him being called dad, she can call him by his name or daddy name.
The name dad is reserved for the parent who in this case has been a willing parent in her life and comforted her when she’s sad and plastered up hurt knees

Kaiserin · 14/09/2020 18:19

Lots of people around here sounding very stuck up around the bizarre idea that the bio dad is somehow "the real dad". Bio dad essentially abandoned his daughter. He's not on the birth certificate. He's not her dad. At best a dodgy financial sponsor and accidental sperm donor.

Real dad is the dad who is actually raising her along with her mother, and who she calls dad. Love and stability is in the DD's best interest. Not some entitled stranger coming back from nowhere for no obvious reason to suddenly lay a claim on her.

FelicityPike · 14/09/2020 18:20

If he takes you to court, it’s a simple DNA test then he’ll be added to her birth certificate and have equal parental responsibility as you and he will be granted supervised contact swiftly followed by unsupervised leading to overnights (if he wants that).
It’s better to do it on your terms. Also your daughter is definitely not too young to find out the truth about her origins.

MissMudskipper · 14/09/2020 18:28

I also think now is a much better age to introduce this man rather than at a later date. Surely your daughter will feel you mislead her as she grows older and understands more. I'd also want to know why now. I think you need to allow him to get to know his daughter....as much as she deserves to get to know him. You worrying that he will replace your current partner is more about you than what's best for your daughter I'm afraid.

WildAboutMyPlanet · 14/09/2020 18:33

@forrestgreen

I think it'd actually be easier to explain now, rather than to a ten year old who will be very upset and angry with you. As it's you who've lied to her. You evaded the question over whether she thinks dp is her dad.

You need to start talking about different family set ups.
She needs to understand dp isn't her dad but loves her
She needs to know who her dad is, a photo card, a present, trip to the park with you too etc

This. Keep lying to her and you will risk more hurt feelings. Start explaining now and she will grow up with a better understanding and you can make it work.
rayoflightboy · 14/09/2020 18:41

@forrestgreen thats absolutley spot on.

As the 13 year old in question,it really blew a huge hole in my world.

You need to tell your dd @Going4gold and the sooner the better.
The younger they are the easier it is to explain and they will be more accepting.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/09/2020 18:50

You really need to talk to him and ascertain what he wants. Could you meet him without DD?

Does he just want to lay eyes on her or does he now want to be Daddy, have her wow so she can meet grandparents and siblings? Is he single and is not what does she think? Do the kids know? How old are they?

I'd just refuse contact until he answers you properly

ComputersaysRAVE · 14/09/2020 18:56

Why should he have any right to see his daughter ?

Hes the one who chose to not be there physically or emotionally. Thats on him and has nothing to do with you.

He made his bed.

Why disrupt your own life for a man who can't be fucked until its convenient?

SleepingStandingUp · 14/09/2020 18:59

@ComputersaysRAVE

Why should he have any right to see his daughter ?

Hes the one who chose to not be there physically or emotionally. Thats on him and has nothing to do with you.

He made his bed.

Why disrupt your own life for a man who can't be fucked until its convenient?

The daughter has a right tho
Smallsteps88 · 14/09/2020 19:04

Why should he have any right to see his daughter ?

He doesn’t. The OP doesn’t have a right to see her either. The daughter has a right to see them both.

conduitoffortune · 14/09/2020 19:10

There is lots of evidence which shows that it is in children's best interests for the adults in their lives to be transparent with them about their identity as they grow up. Imagine how devastating it would be for your daughter, as a teenager or young adult, to have a grenade thrown into her life and discover that her entire identity was a lie?

I also think that you need to be mindful of the fact that your partner has only been in your daughter's life for a couple of years. Yes, hopefully the two of you will stay together and never split up, but what if you do? What if you then go on to meet somebody else who lives with you and your daughter? I have raised my DS without his father's input and when I had a DP I did not encourage my DS to refer to him as 'dad'. He understood that he has a dad, albeit an absent one. I am glad that I didn't promote now ex partner as 'dad' because we have since split up and I wonder what impact it would have had on DS to have had two absent dads.

frumpety · 14/09/2020 19:21

I am intrigued as to why he came clean to his parents all of a sudden ? Something has changed that made him admit your daughters existence to them. Its not the sort of thing you just pop into polite conversation when visiting your parents.

2bazookas · 14/09/2020 19:25

I think he had a right to know his child.

I think she has a right to know her biological father, and in 10 years time (or less) when she knows the facts of life she is going to ask about him.

However, I think the needs of the child must come first. At the moment, she is far too young to be told her back story (or understand it) and for her sake he must agree to whatever timetable you think best.

So. I would let him have photos of her. Initially would consider letting him meet her very occasionally, not in your home, always in your presence (and DP if he's willing) for an hour or so, in quite casual social ways, perhaps at the play park or out for a walk; and just introduce him as Jim, an old friend of Mums. That's all he gets, for several years. So he is a figure in her life, just someone she knows. By then he might come to your home for a meal or spend an afternoon. If it doesn't work out, he can just fade back out of contact.

Then when she's known him casually for several years and is old enough to start wondering about her origin, you , DP and him, can decide when and how to tell her, Jim was your father. By then, she'll be old enough to have a voice in how much contact she wants. Might be more, might be less.

   But  meanwhile, he is  just  an old family  friend.  He never has sole charge of her, she doesn't meet or hear from  his wife, parents, children.