backed into a corner

[Going4gold]

A few years ago I slept with a married man and became pregnant with my daughter. We both agreed not to see each other again and I would bring up the baby. Only a few people know , He agreed to financially support but was not in our lives. He saw the baby a few times and that was it. Our arrangement worked as we both carried on with our lives. I have not had meaningful contact with this man for years. I met a new partner when daughter was 2 and he is the only father she knows. We are happy.

Out of the blue this man has made contact asking to see her, he says he told his parents about her and they want to meet her. He also says as she has just started school he should be involved. Obviously I did not expect this and im reluctant. My daughter is too young to understand and I was hoping to tell her when she is older. I feel this will disrupt our family life. Also his wife will definitely not be happy.

Imo unless his dw is on board with this he is still keeping your dd as a dirty secret....

Much easier to explain it now than when she’s older, IMO.

I would ask him what has changed, and will she still be a secret from his wife and your daughter's half-siblings?
Yes to slowly introducing the idea of daddy to her, but I would be wary of an in-person meeting with this man.
What does she call your partner? Is it by his name?
This is tricky.
The identity of my real father was concealed from me by everyone, mother, half-siblings who lived in the house, family - I didn't find out until I was in my late 20s and the effect was devastating.

The old saying "anybody can be a father, but it takes a decent man to be a dad" comes to mind.

Assuming dd thinks your partner is dad?

Bio dad can be introduced as a friend.
Meet in the park and tell her this is fred. An old friend of mummy's.
And chat with him for a bit. Weather, new school, nice bike... anything "easy".

After a few times, see how things develop

If his parents are just curious and want to know she really does exist... they can walk through the park at the same time dd is playing.

Surely it can only be beneficial to your daughter to know that her Dad wants to see her and be part of her life. It wont go away so you need to communicate with each other as to how often and when they meet.

OP I am adopted and I was about 4 when my mum told me that my own mummy couldn't look after me so she chose me etc., - I just accepted it, never occurred to me it was odd. However if she'd started saying oh and now you must meet your original parent and have new grand-parents then I think that might have been very difficult. This man sounds like a complete arse.

So first of all I'd take his parents out of the equation, its nothing to do with them. If you do agree contact then meeting them would be at the bottom of a long list of things that need to happen.

He's not on the birth certificate on the one hand, but on the other he could use the payments you have been taking as evidence if he wanted to try for contact down the legal route.

Is he proposing that your DD remain a secret from his wife and the other children? If so this would be a non-starter to me. He seems to want to present her as a gift to his parents whilst keeping it all nice and quiet.

I would certainly get advice from a family support charity or Relate, before you make any decisions. Its right that she should know who her father is but any contact should only be by brief messages or letters for the time being. Get proper advice first.

We're a third set of grandparents to my DS's stepchildren. They're not in the least confused by it.

Op I have sent you a PM

It’s much better to explain it in a simple matter of fact way while she’s still young and will just accept it as the way things are. Telling her in some kind of big reveal when she’s older is much more likely to upset her, and much more likely to damage your relationship with her.

he has not played a part since she was born, why now why not wait until she can understand.

Because he sounds like the type of man who does what he wants and gets what he wants?

I am sorry you are in such a messy and complicated situation - your daughter must come first.

I agree with the others that sooner than later is likely best as his wife will probably find out one day (one way or the other) secrets tend to have a way of coming out.

The last thing you want is for your daughter finding out about her father being a nasty shock for her.

Good luck🌺

I absolutely agree that children should know who their parents are. I watched my brother raise a child as his own, and his spiteful ex when they broke up told their then 13 year old daughter that she couldn't ever see him again as he wasn't her real dad, they'd just lied to her all that time. Although she has a loving step dad, she should be made aware at the right time that he isn't her dad.

However I also feel really strongly about parents that don't engage with their child for years, then re-appear. I wrote something similar on another post recently. You cant underestimate the damage it does to a child to have their stability rocked by the sudden appearance of another parent - this child is 4 years old! There will be people who say he should be given a chance, what if he's now willing to be a dad etc etc. But what would we say to a resident parent who suddenly said they wanted to take 4 years off and then come back banging on about their rights. I can only imagine the kicking they'd take on here and rightly so.....

If he's suddenly decided he wants to play dad then he should be explaining to you what his life position is now, how he envisages all of this working and then agreeing to work to your very slow paced timetable in relation to being a part of her life because you'll need to know that he is committed to this. What if he disappears again in 6 months?

I really feel for your little girl in all of this.

I agree with everyone else.
You can't make this about you.

Even if he'd never wanted contact, your dd still had the right to know.
Whilst she is little, it won't be odd at all - she will grow up knowing it as a fact, without all the emotions that would come with it if you tell her wen she is 11, or 16, or 21 or whenever you think you might tell her. At that point, it raises all sorts of issues about why you and your dp, and all of your family and all of his family and all of your friends have lied to them all those years. Out in the open, from when a child is very little, is a far better way to go.

However, I would want to have all sorts of conversations with him in terms of what has changed. I presume he must have now split from his wife as there is no way he could potentially have grandparents involved if his wife doesn't know. Also about what his thinking is in terms of involvement in the future. It would be quite odd to have his parents involved if he wasn't.
However, it is in no way unusual for dc to have 3 sets of Grandparents, through all sorts of different reasons. That, in itself isn't an issue.

I would suggest some form of mediation initially you and him to agree all the stuff above and establish where he is coming from - I would also insist in everything being open and above board and being about her siblings and grandparents as well as just him having some say in her life. He does not have any parental rights if he is not on the birth certificate however it would be possible for him to pursue this being granted by court

Children often have more than two sets of grandparents e.g. grandparents who are divorced and remarried so there is a step grandmother/grandfather, or, like yourselves have a biological father and a stepfather.

OP, I know you feel she's too young to understand, but actually it's generally considered helpful, when children have complex aspects of their identity to navigate, for them to be told about their situation early and often, so it's not some great revelation that they later have to process and instead is just something they've always known and not really a big deal. That's certainly the case for donor conception or adoption, and I'd imagine it's a good approach here, too. She's hopefully young enough to be able to benefit from that approach. Be positive about the situation, be clear in an age-appropriate way, and she'll likely manage really well. Best of luck!

Thank you everyone, you all make good points. My heart is breaking at the thought of our lives being disrupted. I weep for my daughter who is a happy child, has 2 parents who love her and will now have to meet another parent she doesn't know. Im sad for my DP who has done nothing wrong other than bring up a daughter as his but will now be delegated to step parent.

Aryastark I don't know why now, I asked him but there is no satisfactory response just that he spoke to parents...
Beautiful3 in my heart I know you are right but I still don't want him involved now.
Barbed no I don't want to lie to my daughter just delay, she is too young to make sense of it.
Heymacorner I feel sorry for daughter and DP who have done nothing wrong.

Disfordark do you have any suggestions of books I could buy,

Nancy good questions , what will daughter call him? what about his wife? not forgetting his other children

Dishing he does what suits him, he was the one who said no to daughter using his name when I asked about birth certificate, he said he would pay money so I don't contact his wife blah blah. After this he asked me not to contact him and we went our separate ways. The few times I ran into him none of us acknowledged each other.

Sunny thank you
Serendipity that's my fear daughter has stability and now everything will change.

Sorry i couldn't reply everyone but all of you make sense.

It would break his heart if this man started taking his place

It’s actually your partner that has taken the father’s place, the father should have taken his own place to begin with, but he didn’t, however that doesn’t mean he has lost the right to raise his child.

Another thing is if grandparents / family are involved then initially I would prefer to be there as well as I don't know them. Im sure they are good people but daughter would not know anyone there.

She's not too young, you're just not ready.

You haven't said again if she calls your dp dad.

She needs to start small, he needs to show commitment by sending her notes for a while. She needs to meet him with you for support for a while

She’s not too young, better now and easier to manage.

He is supporting her so has a right t see her, ask to meet his parents and if his wife knows. Better to do it now on nicer terms than through court.

Dear dd, before you were born I had a different boyfriend to 'dad' he's called bob, and he's your dad. He wasn't with us when you were a baby, it was just you and me for a while, until I met dp. He fell in love with both of us and we became a new family. Your biological dad has messaged me to say he'd like to meet you. You'll always have me a dp, and now you'll have another person in your life who'll love you. He's sent you this 'photo book' so you can see all about him. He'd like to say hi at the park sometime, when you've got used to it.

Why can't your Daughter call him Dad? Does she call your DP Dad?

Three sets of Grandparents is just three sets of people who'll love and cherish her. Giving them access doesn't become instant - you can go steadily and allow incremental access, but your DD has a right to know the truth and a right to know where she comes from.

Your fears are all valid, but you're going to have to deal with this; it's happening and it's real and you need to work out what is in the best interests of your DD. Sit your DP down (if you haven't already) and explain what's going on and work out together how you feel you should proceed. As pp's have mentioned, photos, letters, phone calls, trips to the park together are all non-confrontational ways to begin.

As difficult as it may be to trust this, you are going to have to start somewhere at some point, and the longer you delay the harder it will be to ever tell the truth.

Im sad for my DP who has done nothing wrong other than bring up a daughter as his but will now be delegated to step parent.

In fairness he always was a step parent.

I think you need to work out what this will look like.

The best thing for your daughter is a gradual introduction, and only over time will grandparents etc get involved.

So you could start with books about different kinds of families, so she's comfortable with that idea before introducing someone new. Tell her how you met DP, that you knew her before you knew him. It's really important that she understands that first. Think about adoption stories, how children learn about that.

Then photos and letters from her birth father.
Then meeting in person.
Then spending time with him, without you.
Then his extended family.

That's all going to take time, so you'll have time to get used to it.

Your DP still gets to be who he is- the man who raised her, 'dad' if that's his name. Her biological father can be 'mummy's old friend, who is your birth father, because mummy didn't know dad then'.

This is all about what's best for her. He effectively gave her up, he needs to understand that contact needs to be gradual.

It may help if you can reassure him you know it's good for her to know her birth father, but you want to do it right.