Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Am I second best in his eyes?

91 replies

JaffaCake70 · 13/09/2020 10:33

My boyfriend is best friends with one of his ex's from a few years ago. Not a problem. The thing that is a problem is that a couple of weeks ago she rang him early in the morning while we were in bed (we were just chatting and lazing about, about to get up and make breakfast) and asked him to go and view a house with her. He got up out of bed and went. When he got back he told me that on the way back she had pulled into the pub car park and asked him to go for 'a beer'. It was 11.15 in the morning by this time, and she knew that I was back at his place and that I only see him for one weekend per fortnight. He didn't go for the beer and he did tell me about the situation (good as he was honest? Or bad, did he want some sort of reaction?). I didn't react at all but it's bugged me ever since. It's too late to say anything now as I always think issues such as this should be dealt with as and when they happen.

What do you think? As it's still eating at me should I say something or is it best left alone? They had 10 full girlfriend (me) free days to schedule this viewing, why did it have to be done on one of the mornings that I was there? Especially as we spend so little time together (long distance relationship). They are both currently furloughed and have plenty of time during the week to sort these things.

This woman has a partner and lives very close to my partner. She and my partner talk on the phone and text every day. Their relationship has never been a problem for me but am I right to be pissed off at this situation? Would you be? Should I have packed up my stuff and left whilst he was gone? I really feel that he should have told her to schedule the viewing for another time and not whilst I was visiting.

I'm so annoyed with myself now for keeping my mouth shut and not being true to my own feelings. I feel like I've given them the green light now to behave like this in the future. For me it's unacceptable. Do I tell him or wait until the next time something similar happens?

Don't get me wrong, I get on well with this woman, we have always got along and have socialised together, but I do think I need to have a personal boundary here. It doesn't feel ok. I'm just interested to get other's opinions on the matter. WTIA :-)

OP posts:

GoldfishParade · 13/09/2020 10:36

I wouldn't like it

Timestoodstilll · 13/09/2020 10:40

It would annoy me too that he got up and went. Not so much because she's an ex but because you have little time together. Did he ask you how you felt about him going? That would be the minimum consideration I'd expect from anybody I'd travelled to to see.

Original poster

JaffaCake70 · 13/09/2020 10:45

@Timestoodstilll No, he didn't consult (for want of a better word) with my about it at all, he just told me where he was going and left. I didn't really think about it much at the time, but the fact that she tried to get him in the pub on the way back made me see the whole scenario in a different light.

OP posts:

bigchris · 13/09/2020 10:46

This woman has a partner and lives very close to my partner. She and my partner talk on the phone and text every day

It doesn't sound appropriate, wonder what her partner thinks

MuckyPlucky · 13/09/2020 10:46

I’d have felt crestfallen too OP if on one of only two special mornings together per fortnight my boyfriend leapt out of bed and left the house to go & do another activity, especially as I’d probably have been looking forward so highly to that special weekend morning feeling together for two weeks prior.

At best, his timing was insensitive and a bit selfish imo. At worst, he is still prioritising her and seeing her (knowingly or unwittingly) as filling the “girlfriend role” in terms of emotional connectivity/frequency of daily comms/involvement in her daily life etc.

You sound incredibly well adjusted and secure OP because long-distance relationships can provoke mistrust in the best of us, and with yours there’s another woman on the ‘scene’ as it were, having daily contact with your partner, and who happens to be his ex. Those factors alone would be enough to make even the best of us feels insecure and worried.

Original poster

JaffaCake70 · 13/09/2020 10:46

@Timestoodstilll me not my doh!! :-D

OP posts:

LilOldMe · 13/09/2020 10:49

Should I have packed up my stuff and left whilst he was gone?

I’d have done that. Not huffily or angrily, but more in the spirit of not hanging around for someone who’s not prioritising our rare time together.

Original poster

JaffaCake70 · 13/09/2020 10:52

@LilOldMe I really wish I had now, hindsight is a bloody annoying thing! He deserved to come home to an empty flat in my opinion. I don't know whether I should bring up the situation or whether that ship has sailed now and to wait until 'next time'?

OP posts:

MuckyPlucky · 13/09/2020 10:53

I pressed ‘send’ too soon above...

I meant to add: It seems like your boyfriend is having his cake and eating it here.

He gets to maintain all the daily emotional intimacy/contact with his ex that he pleases, with you on tap every other weekend to fulfil the sex bit that is lacking from their relationship due to her having a partner.

I’m so sorry OP. My heart would be hurting if it were me, and my heart is hurting for you also.

How long have you been together? Has he engaged actively in talk of the future together? Does he seem as committed as you’d like or do you sense he’s happy with the current LDR situation as it allows him to still be heavily involved with ex?
Depending on the answers to the above I’d either:

A) discuss honestly my feelings of dejection/expectations for his future behaviour towards you.

Or...

B) Tell him you’re not prepared to be second fiddle so this r’ship is not working for you, dump him with head held high, block and look forward to one day meeting someone who’ll prioritise you.

💐

Inaseagull · 13/09/2020 10:53

I wonder why her own partner didn't do the viewing with her.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/09/2020 10:54

I would be seriously reconsidering the entire relationship, honestly. You barely ever see him, and yet he runs off with a friend for absolutely no good reason for hours on the day you're visiting? Nope. Wouldn't be having that. Who the friend is and their past relationship is irrelevant.

He doesn't seem that into you and you deserve far better than this.

Timestoodstilll · 13/09/2020 10:56

That would mean to me that he doesn't consider me and my feelings in his decisions at all. The mature thing would be to tell him how you felt disregarded. My petty reaction would probably be to get up and go out by myself the moment he's phoned with an invitation again. If he gets my point and is suitably apologetic I would lay out my considerations and have a discussion about how he prioritizes your time in the future (and I would see that as the issue at this point, not so much whether it's her over you). If he gets all defensive and makes you out to be the problem, I'd say he's not for me.

CatSmith · 13/09/2020 11:06

If you’re not his best friend I think that’s the start of your problem. My husband is my best friend and vice versa!
If my husband was best friends with his ex, I wouldn’t be his wife. Wake up and smell the coffee live, you’re a back burner lover.

Original poster

JaffaCake70 · 13/09/2020 11:16

@Inaseagull Her partner was home looking after their children.... she apparently needed by bf's building expertise.....

OP posts:

MuckyPlucky · 13/09/2020 11:16

Also forgot to say in my post earlier:

DP and I have a v similar set up in terms of seeing eachother every other weekend (due to both having kids). Our r’ship definitely has its issues and problems but the one thing that is really solid is the fact that we both prioritise those weekends over every other invite/hobby/obligation. He’s very good (as am I) at arranging the other stuff around our weekends together, and if something were to “clash” he always checks with me in advance, explains why it has clashed, asks me along etc. I really appreciate this and think it’d be a deal-breaker if he didn’t. This way, I know I’m important to him and the time we spend together is his priority.

Aerial2020 · 13/09/2020 11:23

Yes you're second best.

He could have said to her he was busy and it wasn't a good time. You would say that to any friend.
The fact he went with no word shows he is expecting you to expect this in your relationship
Don't.
I would get busy with other plans and have think if this is what you want

LilOldMe · 13/09/2020 11:25

I wouldn’t bring it up again as it’ll look like you’ve been stewing on it. I’d file it away under “Cons” for now.

If it happens again, I’d act then, at the time.

LindaEllen · 13/09/2020 11:32

There are so many problems when ex partners choose to remain friends, and I think often it just doesn't work. He might want to help her as a friend, but why did she ask him to go? Why not ask her partner to view the house with her?

If she calls/texts every day I'd say that overstepped a boundary as well. My partner is still on good terms with a few of his ex partners, but he wouldn't go for a drink with them (I know your partner didn't, but it's weird that she asked, I think) or drop everything for them when I was there.

Perhaps she still relies on him a little too much. Was it him who ended their relationship? Maybe she hasn't quite moved on to the extent that she should have?

I'd have a serious discussion with him and say that you feel his relationship with this woman is a little bit full-on. That you like her, but that she can't have him at her beck and call ALL the time.

I'm not an insecure person, as I said, my partner is friends with some exes too, but this would drive me up the wall.

Original poster

JaffaCake70 · 13/09/2020 11:55

@LindaEllen The other issue, that I didn't mention in this post because I felt it would make my post too long, is that yes, they do go out drinking together. They often spend an evening in the pub getting p*ssed together, just the two of them. Her partner stays at home watching the kids (don't know how he feels about it all). One evening they even went back to a mutual friend's house and carried on drinking together there. Correct me in saying that I've been either an absolute saint or an absolute idiot and that it's time for me to exit stage left with what's left of my self respect intact?!

OP posts:

Original poster

JaffaCake70 · 13/09/2020 11:57

@LindaEllen And yes, it was him that ended the relationship to start a new relationship with another woman. This was around 18 years ago.

OP posts:

MiddlesexGirl · 13/09/2020 12:43

Calls or texts every day for 18 years?

It's at best an emotional affair and at worst, rather more than that.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 13/09/2020 13:05

Are they both regular/heavy drinkers? Sometimes drinkers just want to drink with other drinkers. Not in a good way.

Original poster

JaffaCake70 · 13/09/2020 13:46

@NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1He is a heavy drinker. They live in a small village where it seems that virtually everyone is a heavey drinker, I think perhaps because there's not much else to do than go to the pub. It's another reason why I'm very strongly veering towards ending this. His priorities seem to be 1) Pub. 2) his dog (also his excuse to never come to my town, I always have to go to his as he won't leave the dog). 3) Ex. Not quite sure where I come in the pecking order but anything less than No1 isn't really good enough is it? He doesn't have kids, if he did I would expect him to put them first before anything else.

OP posts:

Windmillwhirl · 13/09/2020 13:52

In a nutshell, he prioritised her above you. Yes, I would be hurt.

I'd have probably said it to him when he came back... or maybe I would have left. Either way I would not have been happy and would have not been able to contain it.

FizzyGreenWater · 13/09/2020 13:53

Yes, I'd end it.

You should look at it the other way around.

Not - is it bad enough to leave

but... is he good enough, does he make the cut to make it worthwhile me putting myself out for him?

The answer seems to be no!

Flip

1 2 3 4