Am I second best in his eyes?

[JaffaCake70]

My boyfriend is best friends with one of his ex's from a few years ago. Not a problem. The thing that is a problem is that a couple of weeks ago she rang him early in the morning while we were in bed (we were just chatting and lazing about, about to get up and make breakfast) and asked him to go and view a house with her. He got up out of bed and went. When he got back he told me that on the way back she had pulled into the pub car park and asked him to go for 'a beer'. It was 11.15 in the morning by this time, and she knew that I was back at his place and that I only see him for one weekend per fortnight. He didn't go for the beer and he did tell me about the situation (good as he was honest? Or bad, did he want some sort of reaction?). I didn't react at all but it's bugged me ever since. It's too late to say anything now as I always think issues such as this should be dealt with as and when they happen.

What do you think? As it's still eating at me should I say something or is it best left alone? They had 10 full girlfriend (me) free days to schedule this viewing, why did it have to be done on one of the mornings that I was there? Especially as we spend so little time together (long distance relationship). They are both currently furloughed and have plenty of time during the week to sort these things.

This woman has a partner and lives very close to my partner. She and my partner talk on the phone and text every day. Their relationship has never been a problem for me but am I right to be pissed off at this situation? Would you be? Should I have packed up my stuff and left whilst he was gone? I really feel that he should have told her to schedule the viewing for another time and not whilst I was visiting.

I'm so annoyed with myself now for keeping my mouth shut and not being true to my own feelings. I feel like I've given them the green light now to behave like this in the future. For me it's unacceptable. Do I tell him or wait until the next time something similar happens?

Don't get me wrong, I get on well with this woman, we have always got along and have socialised together, but I do think I need to have a personal boundary here. It doesn't feel ok. I'm just interested to get other's opinions on the matter. WTIA :-)

I hope your feeling okay OP, enjoy your evening 🌺

@BlueThistles thank you, I'm ok. I'm driving my Mum, Brother and best friend mad I'm sure, but they've all been fantastic and listened to me go on with myself. They all think all the same things as everyone here does, and they have seen me become progressively more sad and insecure as the months have gone by.

I'm now resolved to not taking this relationship any further. He's shown how little he cares by barely contacting me, he could have driven to my house if he cared enough, but he doesn't. He obviously cares more for his friendship with his ex and his little comfort zone where he lives.

Thank you so much for your support. To know that a complete stranger cares enough to think about me and ask after me restores my faith in humanity :-) xxx

Sending strength - you’ve done the right thing. You deserve so much more than him

It's too late to say anything now as I always think issues such as this should be dealt with as and when they happen.

Really, you think this because your posts are one laundry list of unsatisfactory things that have happened, that you keep your mouth shut about. When you outsource the management of your boundaries (“she knew that we this was one of the few moments we see each other”) to someone else, then you rarely get what you want.

The question isn’t ‘why isn’t he/ she respecting me’ but rather ‘why am I not respecting myself enough to speak up about my needs not being met’?

Add all his non prioritisation of you to his heavy drinking and I have to ask, why the hell do you insist on repeatedly shooting your self in the foot by prioritising him at your own expense?

Family's the best place for you, Im glad you're not alone
OP 🌺

As his partner you should take priority over her especially as you only see him once a fortnight. I think, as somebody else said, park this now and if The situation arises again tell him exactly how it makes you feel. I also think that if you are planning a long term future with this guy and are planning to move closer, then you have a potential big problem looming!!! You have serious competition there and you need to weigh up if you are wasting your time on this relationshipxx

Have RTFT

Everything added up with his behavior and attitude is a LTB.
It seems you have given a lot and him not so much.

He couldn't be arsed to have the "friend" or other friends to check in on his dog so he could come to yours sometimes.

He's an alcoholic and yes, it catches up with them at some point and he is already 50. Expensive habit and I can't imagine being around someone who reeks of booze all the time. ED from drinking is probably why he doesn't have sex anymore.

His idea of being together would be for you to give up your job, home, pets to move to his country village. Hell to the no.

He shows no empathy or caring for what goes on in your life.
So yes, time to bin him off. I'm sure are are lovely gents much closer to you who would like to have an equal relationship. It's good you've taken a look at this and yes, you deserve much better.

The fact she did this, and he went, on one of the few days you spend together tells you everything you need to know I'm afraid. She's no friend to you, she's keeping her options open and your OH is letting her. If I were to continue in this relationship she would have to go!

Thank you all for your input. The relationship is over. I told him exactly how I feel about everything to which his response was to become defensive (which I knew he would) and state that 'she is just a friend' and 'nothing has ever happened with her since we broke up'. All of which completely misses the point of my initial complaint, which was how rude and disrespectful I feel they both are of my time and feelings.

After telling him how I feel (on the telephone) he went silent for a few days, and then started texting some really stupid texts, making jokes about inane stuff, as if nothing has happened. This has done nothing more than strengthen my resolve, this manchild is not the one for me.

Thanks again everyone for your replies and advice, all very much appreciated. It's onwards and upwards for me. YOLO!!!

Good call not to acknowledge the lame texts. You deserve better.

He could have said to her he was busy and it wasn't a good time

This. 100% this. And this is what he needs to say in the future.

However, he didn’t go for the drink with her which is positive. I’d take heart from that.

If this happens again I don’t think it is unreasonable to say that you find it quite hurtful given you only see each other for a limited time. Or, as another poster said, go out and have a nice time and when he calls you wondering where you are, say airily ‘I’m out having a lovely time / lunch / coffee...wasn’t sure what time you were coming back and didn’t want to waste my weekend off!’

Do not be taken for granted. Chances are he doesn’t even realise the impact of his actions because he is keen to support his best friend so thinks what he is doing makes him a good guy...

Crumbs. Missed your last update OP. YOLO indeed!

💐 for you!

Great stuff OP 🌺

I think you've done the right thing @JaffaCake70 I too ended my relationship yesterday, different reasons but there were definitely similarities, I didn'tfeel special or particularly important to him anymore.

It's now the pain of dropping the routine of messaging and seeing each other and instead looking towards winter and potential lockdown and loneliness...But then I know I'll wake up tomorrow with a much more positive outlook on the separation.

Im glad you have people and pets around you, they'll help you through the sad times, spring is around the corner

@BlueThistles @Tisahardlife @Apple222 @ButteryPuffin Thank you all for your responses. I do feel a little sad, I had a lot of hope for the relationship in the beginning, he put on a really good show, taking me places and throwing money around (I know in the grand scheme this isn't important, but I'd never had that before and it felt good).

It took time for me to realise how little effort he was putting in and how sad I was feeling each time I returned home from another visit with no affection and constant texts and calls from his ex.

I think I put up with bad behaviour because growing up my Father was manic depressive, he was prone to violent outbursts and ultimately took his own life when I was 22. I loved my Dad, when he was well he was an amazing Father, when he was ill he was either absent or frightening.

I've had a record for getting with unsuitable men. When I was in my mid 30's I encountered real physical and mental abuse at the hands of a clearly sociopathic man. I was vulnerable at the time and spent four years of hell whist in a relationship with this monster. I get upset sometimes, wondering who he is tormenting now. I've had a couple more relationships since then with men who were not really worth my time. One was an ex heroin user (I didn't find out until waaaay into the relationship) who was still taking subutex and was a pathalogical liar who would go missing for weeks on end. The other had a violent temper and was jealous and obsessive. I was with him for 8 years, in which time I only went out without him once a year for my works Christmas meal. I could tell you storys about him but we'd be here forever!

The point I'm trying to make is that I think I tolerate bad behaviour because I was brought up by a man who often behaved badly, and I saw my Mum turn a blind eye to it. I'm being my own psychologist here, but it makes sense doesn't it?

My plan for now is to concentrate on myself. I've set myself a few goals and I'm working on becoming a less anxious, more spiritual person. I need some calm in my life. Relax and Reset is the order of the day! I'm going out shopping later, I'm going to treat myself to new pj's, a candle, and a bottle of something nice. Then I'm going to come home, soak in a bubble bath, read a book and later I'll watch a film with my Sons, both of whom are here with me today.

Thank you all for helping me through this tough time, I really believe that you helped prevent me from going back. To hear you all say that his relationship with his ex is too much and that I'm not being paranoid was such a relief. I do believe that I deserve better treatment than this. I believe life sends certain situations to teach us lessons. I've learnt a big one with this relationship. I'll not tolerate this inappropriate behaviour again.

Life is too short to feel like you're second best in the eyes of the one person who should be trying their best to make you feel like you're special 

Ah...bless you @JaffaCake70. Your plan for today sounds perfect and exactly what you need...looking after yourself, creating a peaceful space and setting some personal goals that don’t involve anyone else.

Don’t blame yourself for tolerating ‘bad’ behaviour from a partner. A lot of people are friends with their ex partners. The point is whether it is something you want in your relationship. I had an ex-partner who was always supporting their friends (male and female) to an extent that I didn’t feel I was a priority. They would be late when we arranged to meet, I didn’t feel included in their friendships...they wanted to be seen as ‘the good guy’ by all their friends but didn’t seem to realise that while they maintained these close friendships, they weren’t really investing in our relationship. I felt as though I was just a good friend...nothing more...someone who they could come home to once they had supported their friends and spent time with their friends. Some people might be happy with that. I wasn’t.

I would be cautious of any man or woman who maintains such a close friendship with an ex to the exclusion of their current partner. Might be different if they invite you out with them, always include you in their plans and clearly prioritise you but otherwise it’s a no from me. Most of my ex partners are good people, really good people, with whom I had a good connection but I chose not to maintain a friendship with them because it would possibly prevent me from moving on cleanly. I wouldn’t expect any future partner of mine to necessarily put up with my ex-partners being in my life and I wouldn’t expect their partners to welcome it either. Texts early in the morning, invitations for a drink at a weekend when they are with you? No way.

You have your head screwed on. You know what you want and what you need. Cut the cords and move on.

Wishing you well.