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Relationships

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Original poster

Am I second best in his eyes?

91 replies

JaffaCake70 · 13/09/2020 10:33

My boyfriend is best friends with one of his ex's from a few years ago. Not a problem. The thing that is a problem is that a couple of weeks ago she rang him early in the morning while we were in bed (we were just chatting and lazing about, about to get up and make breakfast) and asked him to go and view a house with her. He got up out of bed and went. When he got back he told me that on the way back she had pulled into the pub car park and asked him to go for 'a beer'. It was 11.15 in the morning by this time, and she knew that I was back at his place and that I only see him for one weekend per fortnight. He didn't go for the beer and he did tell me about the situation (good as he was honest? Or bad, did he want some sort of reaction?). I didn't react at all but it's bugged me ever since. It's too late to say anything now as I always think issues such as this should be dealt with as and when they happen.

What do you think? As it's still eating at me should I say something or is it best left alone? They had 10 full girlfriend (me) free days to schedule this viewing, why did it have to be done on one of the mornings that I was there? Especially as we spend so little time together (long distance relationship). They are both currently furloughed and have plenty of time during the week to sort these things.

This woman has a partner and lives very close to my partner. She and my partner talk on the phone and text every day. Their relationship has never been a problem for me but am I right to be pissed off at this situation? Would you be? Should I have packed up my stuff and left whilst he was gone? I really feel that he should have told her to schedule the viewing for another time and not whilst I was visiting.

I'm so annoyed with myself now for keeping my mouth shut and not being true to my own feelings. I feel like I've given them the green light now to behave like this in the future. For me it's unacceptable. Do I tell him or wait until the next time something similar happens?

Don't get me wrong, I get on well with this woman, we have always got along and have socialised together, but I do think I need to have a personal boundary here. It doesn't feel ok. I'm just interested to get other's opinions on the matter. WTIA :-)

OP posts:

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 13/09/2020 13:53

I think you've got your head screwed on good. Yes, if he had kids then obviously they come first but YOU'RE NEXT! Not his friends, ex-girlfriend golf, football, work, extended family. YOU.

Otherwise, if you're not his priority then really whats the point.

Regardless of that alkies don't make good long term partners. I grew up around them and they are either drunk or they're sober, crabby and irritible coz they're waiting to have a drink.

Opentooffers · 13/09/2020 13:57

How would you feel about him bringing the dog to yours? You could suggest this and see if he still refuses as a hen you have your answer and you are just a convenience to him as he doesn't have to lift a finger, do any travel, and the cost and time that it incurres is all falling on you.

Original poster

JaffaCake70 · 13/09/2020 14:18

@Opentooffers He can't bring the dog, it's a big, temperamental dog and I have 2 very nervous house cats. I do see your reason for suggesting this though. Thank you.

OP posts:

ChristmasFluff · 13/09/2020 16:01

He's too enmeshed with her still. He prioritises her over you, even when access to her is easy and access to you is rare.

That's a dealbreaker IMO

Yeahnahmum · 13/09/2020 16:07

Bye bye bf 🤗
You deserve better op!!!

Natureotter · 13/09/2020 16:14

I just couldn’t be arsed having a partner who is heavily involved with his ex. He blatantly chose her over you in that situation with the viewing, I would be raging.
You barely get to see him and he’s seeing her and having phone conversations every day with someone he’s been with in the past.

You could be with someone who makes you a priority without all that hassle. You clearly aren’t comfortable with it and you never will be, listen to your boundaries. You will be happier without him.

BlueThistles · 13/09/2020 16:22

She might as well have pissed up his leg, claiming territorial rights over this guy, and look a good little boy he goes running. Fuck that 🌺

Anydreamwilldo12 · 13/09/2020 16:23

Awful situation OP. She will always be there in the background taking up his time. He was absolutely horrible for just leaving you like that. Dump.

user1481840227 · 13/09/2020 16:28

You're not necessarily second best, but by the sounds of it he probably still has a soft spot for her and personally I wouldn't like that.

I don't think it's too late to bring this up at all. I would just ask to speak to him and say that that morning bothered you.....

and then obviously his reaction will set the tone for the rest of the discussion. Maybe he will take it on board, apologise and say he didn't realise it would bother you....or maybe he'll get very defensive about which will be telling.

sitckmansladylove · 13/09/2020 16:30

So he is out of work. Drinks too much with an ex. You hardly see him and he would rather spend a (rare) weekend morning with her. Doesn't ask. He doesn't sound like the world's greatest boyfriend.

Original poster

JaffaCake70 · 13/09/2020 16:39

@BlueThistles That's exactly how I feel about the situation. I feel she tested him that morning to see if he would go. She then further tested him to see if he would leave me for even longer and go for a drink with her. It makes no odds to me that he didn't go to the pub (on this occasion) he still prioritised her over me. I'm done with this, I'm so much better than this. The comments here have helped me so much, I really thought I'd get the odd comment calling me an idiot or saying that I'm over reacting.. no one has done this. My mind is made up. I hope country boy will find a way to untangle himself from this woman's clutches, he's in for a very lonely old age if he doesn't. P.S. He's 50 yrs old now, not exactly love's young dream!

OP posts:

BlueThistles · 13/09/2020 16:47

OP you are doing the right thing. He has given her carte blanch over his free time, and in doing so, he is disrespecting you and your precious time together. I agree, he's really not worth it. 🌺

JudyGemstone · 13/09/2020 16:52

I think your feelings about this are absolutely valid and you could explain it exactly like this to him and see what he says.

Good boundaries and clear communication about what you expect from the relationship.

His reaction to this will be telling.

Iloveme30 · 13/09/2020 16:59

Ah that's an awful situation for you to be in , life really is too short. She seems like a priority to him there's 3 in your relationship. Not acceptable. I'd have a word tell him see if it changes but if not I'd be gone double quick . Hugs I feel so bad for you 🥺

blisstwins · 13/09/2020 19:00

I think it is an awful situation and I would not go for it, but it sounds like you have not voiced upset about the friend before and I don’t know about the real estate market where you are but you have to jump in things by me. If he knows about building and if it was supposed to be something quick....I am with you and think you should say something at a minimum. It does sound like 0-60 to me though if you have been ok about this stuff. I think he knew he had done wrong or it took longer than he thought hence his telling you he turned down the pub extension. If you do like him I would talk to him, but between the distance, the dog, the drinking, etc. you may be done and that is totally legitimate.

LindaEllen · 14/09/2020 11:37

[quote JaffaCake70]@LindaEllen And yes, it was him that ended the relationship to start a new relationship with another woman. This was around 18 years ago.[/quote]
18 years is a long time ago .. but at the same time, it doesn't really matter who he's going out with instead of you, if you're feeling like you're second best, and he won't fix that, that's a big problem.

Original poster

JaffaCake70 · 14/09/2020 13:27

@LindaEllen there are other issues too which I haven't gone into in my original post because I know it makes me sound like a low value idiot.

We don't really have an intimate relationship anymore, we've only had sex a couple of times this year and he never kisses me, cuddles me, holds my hand etc. A few weeks ago I sat next to him on the settee crying because of an issue with my Son, he just completely ignored me and carried on watching tv, I was so hurt and felt so unimportant. I think he is emotionally stunted and doesn't know how to behave in a mature, grown up relationship.

I don't know what his issue is with the sexual side of the relationship. Whenever I've tried to broach the subject he either says he's always tired and has been drinking too much, or that 'we rush around that much at the weekend that we just don't seem to get time'. This is a load of b*llox, if you love someone and are attracted to them, you make time to make that intimate connection.

I think the issue with the ex girlfriend has been intensified by our lack of closeness, it didn't used to bother me as much as it has of late, maybe I'm just feeling especially vulnerable and insecure at the moment. I'm just finding it so hard to sever the final tie, I know I deserve better treatment than this, I know this situation will never make me happy as it stands.

OP posts:

TwentyViginti · 14/09/2020 13:33

1) Pub. 2) his dog (also his excuse to never come to my town, I always have to go to his as he won't leave the dog). 3) Ex.

Oh FFS end this. You're a fornightly shag to him, with no effort made on his part. His shag comes to him.

TwentyViginti · 14/09/2020 13:36

Sorry just seen your update. No sex. I don't know what you are to him then. I still say end it, and find a proper relationship.

Sakurami · 14/09/2020 13:37

Definitely leave him. He doesn't have sex with you, you come after the dog and his ex gf who he doesn't even have kids with and isn't affectionate wont come to you....the answer is obvious

Gilda152 · 14/09/2020 13:59

I suspect he quite likes the quiet life with his dog and that's why his companionship with his ex holds more weight than a relationship with another woman. He has female company when he wants it without the bother of sex.

seensome · 14/09/2020 14:01

No I wouldn't like this, she asked him to do a house viewing and you weren't invited, knowing you were there, it's taking the piss, they are emotionally still bonded and I would think she's trying to win him back, not a situation to trust and he kinda knew not to go for a drink didn't he.
It's your life to take control of, never be afraid to voice your concerns, not saying anything is only going to eat away at you.

katysan · 14/09/2020 15:41

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Happynow001 · 14/09/2020 18:55

@JaffaCake70

He didn't go for the beer and he did tell me about the situation (good as he was honest? Or bad, did he want some sort of reaction?).
I think he wanted a positive reaction from you, and a virtual pat in the back that he actually remembered you and so returned to you without the drink(s) with his friend first.

It sounds like he's using you as some kind of convenient filler in his life but rather far down his list of priorities. I thought, when reading your posts, that he was treating you as a FWB so was surprised even that wasn't the case.

You really do deserve more than than to waste your time on someone "emotionally stunted", so I'm glad you are making the decision to go your separate ways. He really doesn't deserve you, does he? 🌹

LilyWater · 14/09/2020 19:48

Sorry, just dont understand women who put up with partners being best friends with exes. Men are very rarely fine if the roles are reversed. Therefore why should women have to put up with it? Just end the drama, leave him and move on.

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